Everyone is terrible | Jo Firestone | TEDxNewYork

Comedian Jo Firestone breaks down who’s terrible, who’s truly evil, who is genuinely good, and why it’s all okay.

Jo Firestone is a comedian and the host of events around New York like the monthly pun competition Punderdome 3000.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

OK. I want to talk to you guys
about how everyone is terrible,

and that's OK.

Hear me out. Listen. Everyone is terrible.

I don't know if you guys are on board yet,

but basically, all of you
are terrible people.

(Laughter)

So, basically - here we go -
everyone is terrible.

You.

(Laughter)

You.

You.

Me. We are all very terrible.

I mean, if you think - maybe,
maybe you're not convinced yet.

That's OK. I'll get to that later.

But maybe you're like, "No, wait!
I have a child in my life.

I have a grandma. She's wonderful.
She is not terrible."

OK. I want you to take a moment.
I want you to think about that person.

I want you to think -

OK, maybe they're good,
but now, let's start to think,

"Well, what about that one time?"

What about that one time that they lied?

And then they cheated, you know.

And then they took that piece of fruit
right out of your hand.

(Laughter)

Look, that's a banana.

I'll help you with a visual.

Look! Look how happy they are,
eating that banana!

You think they're so good now?

Maybe the fruit didn't happen,
but the other stuff, right?

It's all true.

My point is that almost
everybody is terrible.

To help me out, here's a graph.

This is a graph.

It has been scientifically researched.

This is who's terrible,
and who isn't terrible.

What you see right now is,

this five percent represents
the good ones, okay?

That's a rounded-up figure,

(Laughter)

because approximately,

there's only about seven or eight
genuinely good people in the whole world:

seven of them are hospice nurses,

and the other one is Michelle Obama.

(Cheering) (Laughter) (Applause)

These people are all heaven-bound,
but this talk is not about them, okay?

This ten percent is the truly
evil amongst us, all right?

We are talking about the Hitlers,
the Ryan Lochtes, okay?

(Laughter)

These people are just demons in human skin
they've borrowed from graves,

and they don't serve much of a purpose,
but you know who they are, all right?

And most of their purpose is
to distinguish them from you, right?

This 85% is everyone
in this room, I think.

Most of us are terrible.

We try to be good at times,

but yes, for the most part,
we are really bad people.

I know this is a little
off-putting to hear,

so I like to make the analogy of, like,
maybe we're like puppies, right?

Think about puppies.

Like, "Puppies, look, they're so cute!

Oh, my gosh! Look!

They're so fun at playing.
They're so cute. They're so good.

But look! Oh, shoot."

Don't you think that puppies spend
most of their time taking dumps?

You know.

So it's like, we're pretty good.

Sometimes we're cute,

but we spend most of our time
spreading shit all over the place.

(Laughter)

So just think about that.

So this might be a lot to throw at you,
might be a little confusing,

so let's start with a base knowledge
of who we are not, okay?

This is the 10%,

the terrible demon people
you know to be terrible, all right?

Let's start with rapists, murderers,
anyone who wears a fedora.

(Laughter)

All right? Then, we have got,
most likely, your boss.

(Laughter)

Live bug collectors.

Yes, I know.

Don-nald T-rump - okay?

Anyone who says the following words
to you at any time, day or night,

"You - look - tired."

(Laughter)

You shouldn't tell people that. It's rude.

(Laughter) (Sighs)

So, now that we have
a base understanding of that 10%,

let's move on to our people,
the semi-terribles, okay?

I was going to show you
some slides of the 5%,

but I know you just get jealous and judgy,

and then it'd just be -
you know - that's the point.

OK. So, let's move on to the 85%.

This is terrible people you might not
expect to be terrible at first,

but they are, okay?

People who use golf umbrellas in
metropolitan areas during rain storms.

(Laughter) (Applause)

These people are bad people.

(Laughter)

This is only going to get
in people's eyes and faces.

Nobody needs to be that dry.

(Laughter)

Next.

Anyone who asks you to cat-sit for them.

Cats are not loved
by anyone but their owner -

I hate to break it to you.

I know this might divide up the crowd,

but cats are terrible creatures,
and they should be turned into meat.

(Laughter)

It would be part of a balanced diet.
Think of the hungry children.

(Laughter)

OK. Babies - speaking of children.

I get it. Everyone loves babies.
This one's very cute.

But honestly, if adults acted like that,
they'd be banished from society.

(Laughter)

Next, unicyclists.

(Laughter)

Unicyclists always get skilled,
and then they do it everywhere,

and I'll tell you what,
we don't need that kind of -

We don't need it! Okay?

(Laughter)

Moving on - celebrities.

I know some of you like celebrities -
they're fun, they're famous,

they're very beautiful,
and they entertain us -

but like this guy from "Dharma & Greg,"

he just got fired from "Criminal Minds"
for kicking somebody.

You can't kick somebody, friend.

It's 2016.

(Laughter)

You can't. You just can't.

OK. So maybe you're getting
a good sense of what's what, all right?

Or maybe you're thinking,

"Sure, those people are terrible,
but, no, I'm pretty good."

No, this is a lie you tell yourself.

You're most likely in that group, too,

unless you are one of the aforementioned
hospice nurses or Michelle Obama.

Remember that graphic from before?

Yeah. (Sighs) This is the graphic.

I'll tell you because no one else will:
you're all terrible people -

most of us are.

Even if you don't fit
into the previous descriptions,

chances are most likely you have broken
someone's heart at some point.

Even 20 years down the line,
they still think you're terrible.

(Laughter)

You ever had a conversation about an ex?

And you keep hoping to hear
that they ran into a burning fire?

(Laughter)

"I have just run into Melinda.
Have you seen her in a while?"

"Oh, no. Did she run into a burning fire?"

(Laughter)

"Oh, no. I just wanted to tell you
she seemed to be doing pretty good."

"Oh, good, good."

No matter how long it has been,
they always think you are terrible.

And how about car accidents?

You ever get really pissed
when you're driving

because it slows down.

You've got to get somewhere,

but then you find out
someone died in a car!

Yeah, it happens.

I don't care if it's not funny; it's true.

All of you have done it. Okay.

(Laughter)

Maybe you have never broken a heart,

or maybe you have "never"
gotten mad at traffic.

Maybe you have done
some of the following checklist.

I'm going to show you this checklist,

and I'm going to ask you to say "check"
if you have done it, after I read it.

First one:

going through plastic cups
like they're made of leaves.

(Audience) Check.

Thinking about punching
people on the subway.

(Audience) Check.

Getting mad at customer service reps even
though you are just mad at the product.

(Laughter) (Audience) Check.

Buying stuff you don't even need,

like kitchen appliances
that only make pancakes.

(Audience) Check.

(Sigh)

Making plans you know
you're going to cancel on.

(Audience) Check.

Being rude to your good friends and family

because you know
they aren't going anywhere.

(Audience) Check. (Laughter)

Pulling out your phone
at important family functions

to check how many likes you got
on a mediocre Beyonce tweet:

"I'm @ this family wedding,

like where are 'all the single ladies'?
@beyonce #beyonceandme"

(Laughter)

Who said "check"?

(Laughter)

You're honest.

Spending whole days watching Netflix

when you could be doing
anything decent for society.

(Audience) Check.

Running over animals with your car,
even if it's an accident.

(Audience) Check.

(Laughter)

Rollerblading as an adult.

(Laughter)

And toilet seat hovering.

(Audience) Check.

It is a bad, bad behavior.

Now, I want you to repeat after me.

We're going to read
the following slide together.

(With audience) I am a terrible person.

Again.

(Audience) I am a terrible person.

This time with force.

(Audience) I am a terrible person.

Now a little flirty.

(Laughter)

All right. The jig is up. Okay?

You aren't a good person,
and you don't have to be all the time.

Admitting to be terrible
actually doesn't feel so bad. Right?

Honestly, doesn't it feel
a little bit of a relief?

You know, maybe some of you are upset,

and you're still probably thinking,
What can you do about it?

Nothing. (Laughter)

This is not that kind of TED Talk.

(Laughter)

I told you, it's like
eight people at the top.

You know, you don't want to be
part of the 1%, do you?

You know, you are stuck here.
It's like a fun little purgatory.

(Sighs) (Laughter)

But let's give you something to go on:

Why being terrible is okay?

Okay.

Everyone has moments where they are
maybe a little madder than they should be,

or sadder than they should be,

or more irritated, or cheaper,
or dumber, or more annoying,

or lazier, or less tolerant
than they should be.

And let's face it. Right?

We're terrible little monkeys
making terrible little-monkey decisions,

and we're all just little monkeys
going down in a little-monkey ship.

(Laughter)

It's kind of depressing,
but I'm trying to make it sound cute.

(Laughter)

We're all flawed human beings, you know.

We do nasty, awful things to each other.

We're only thinking
of ourselves, you know,

and we totally forget what's important
at any given situation,

but the fact is that we still try
to be good, you know.

You're in the middle section
for a reason, you know.

Yes, you're bad, you know,
but sometimes you're good.

Maybe you hit a car,
and you didn't leave a note,

but you still bring banana bread
to the book club, and we appreciate that.

(Laughter)

You work hard to be
in the middle section, you know.

It's a privilege to be here, you know.

Sure, you'll never be Michelle Obama,

but you're never going to be
Ryan Lochte either.

(Laughter)

Let's hope.

(Laughter)

So, you're doing okay, right?

It's okay to be terrible.

So when you see your monkey friend
do something terrible,

just don't do that thing.

When you see your monkey friend
do something good,

do that thing.

(Laughter)

Monkey see, monkey - do better.

(Laughter)

Go monkeys!

Thank you.

(Cheering) (Applause)