A better way to talk about love
-
0:01 - 0:05OK, so today I want to talk
about how we talk about love. -
0:05 - 0:06And specifically,
-
0:06 - 0:10I want to talk about what's wrong
with how we talk about love. -
0:11 - 0:14Most of us will probably
fall in love a few times -
0:14 - 0:16over the course of our lives,
-
0:16 - 0:20and in the English language,
this metaphor, falling, -
0:20 - 0:23is really the main way that we
talk about that experience. -
0:24 - 0:25I don't know about you,
-
0:25 - 0:27but when I conceptualize this metaphor,
-
0:27 - 0:30what I picture is straight
out of a cartoon -- -
0:30 - 0:31like there's a man,
-
0:31 - 0:33he's walking down the sidewalk,
-
0:33 - 0:36without realizing it, he crosses
over an open manhole, -
0:36 - 0:40and he just plummets into the sewer below.
-
0:40 - 0:44And I picture it this way
because falling is not jumping. -
0:45 - 0:47Falling is accidental,
-
0:47 - 0:49it's uncontrollable.
-
0:49 - 0:52It's something that happens to us
without our consent. -
0:52 - 0:53And this --
-
0:54 - 0:57this is the main way we talk
about starting a new relationship. -
0:58 - 1:02I am a writer and I'm also
an English teacher, -
1:02 - 1:04which means I think
about words for a living. -
1:04 - 1:09You could say that I get paid
to argue that the language we use matters, -
1:09 - 1:13and I would like to argue
that many of the metaphors we use -
1:13 - 1:14to talk about love --
-
1:14 - 1:16maybe even most of them --
-
1:16 - 1:18are a problem.
-
1:19 - 1:21So, in love, we fall.
-
1:22 - 1:23We're struck.
-
1:23 - 1:25We are crushed.
-
1:25 - 1:27We swoon.
-
1:27 - 1:29We burn with passion.
-
1:30 - 1:32Love makes us crazy,
-
1:32 - 1:33and it makes us sick.
-
1:34 - 1:35Our hearts ache,
-
1:35 - 1:37and then they break.
-
1:38 - 1:41So our metaphors equate
the experience of loving someone -
1:41 - 1:44to extreme violence or illness.
-
1:44 - 1:46(Laughter)
-
1:47 - 1:48They do.
-
1:48 - 1:50And they position us as the victims
-
1:50 - 1:54of unforeseen and totally
unavoidable circumstances. -
1:55 - 1:57My favorite one of these is "smitten,"
-
1:57 - 2:00which is the past participle
of the word "smite." -
2:00 - 2:03And if you look this word up
in the dictionary -- -
2:03 - 2:04(Laughter)
-
2:04 - 2:09you will see that it can be defined
as both "grievous affliction," -
2:09 - 2:12and, "to be very much in love."
-
2:14 - 2:17I tend to associate the word "smite"
with a very particular context, -
2:17 - 2:19which is the Old Testament.
-
2:20 - 2:24In the Book of Exodus alone,
there are 16 references to smiting, -
2:24 - 2:28which is the word that the Bible uses
for the vengeance of an angry God. -
2:28 - 2:30(Laughter)
-
2:30 - 2:33Here we are using the same word
to talk about love -
2:33 - 2:35that we use to explain
a plague of locusts. -
2:35 - 2:36(Laughter)
-
2:36 - 2:37Right?
-
2:37 - 2:39So, how did this happen?
-
2:40 - 2:43How have we come to associate love
with great pain and suffering? -
2:44 - 2:48And why do we talk about
this ostensibly good experience -
2:48 - 2:50as if we are victims?
-
2:51 - 2:52These are difficult questions,
-
2:52 - 2:54but I have some theories.
-
2:54 - 2:55And to think this through,
-
2:55 - 2:58I want to focus on one
metaphor in particular, -
2:58 - 3:00which is the idea of love as madness.
-
3:01 - 3:04When I first started
researching romantic love, -
3:04 - 3:07I found these madness
metaphors everywhere. -
3:07 - 3:09The history of Western culture
-
3:09 - 3:13is full of language that equates
love to mental illness. -
3:13 - 3:15These are just a few examples.
-
3:15 - 3:17William Shakespeare:
-
3:17 - 3:18"Love is merely a madness,"
-
3:18 - 3:20from "As You Like It."
-
3:20 - 3:21Friedrich Nietzsche:
-
3:21 - 3:24"There is always some madness in love."
-
3:25 - 3:27"Got me looking, got me looking
so crazy in love -- " -
3:27 - 3:30(Laughter)
-
3:30 - 3:32from the great philosopher,
Beyoncé Knowles. -
3:32 - 3:34(Laughter)
-
3:35 - 3:38I fell in love for the first
time when I was 20, -
3:38 - 3:41and it was a pretty turbulent
relationship right from the start. -
3:41 - 3:45And it was long distance
for the first couple of years, -
3:45 - 3:49so for me that meant very high highs
and very low lows. -
3:50 - 3:52I can remember one moment in particular.
-
3:53 - 3:56I was sitting on a bed
in a hostel in South America, -
3:56 - 4:00and I was watching the person
I love walk out the door. -
4:00 - 4:02And it was late,
-
4:02 - 4:03it was nearly midnight,
-
4:03 - 4:05we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,
-
4:05 - 4:07and when we got back to our room,
-
4:07 - 4:10he threw his things in the bag
and stormed out. -
4:11 - 4:14While I can no longer remember
what that argument was about, -
4:14 - 4:18I very clearly remember
how I felt watching him leave. -
4:19 - 4:23I was 22, it was my first time
in the developing world, -
4:23 - 4:26and I was totally alone.
-
4:26 - 4:30I had another week until my flight home,
-
4:30 - 4:32and I knew the name
of the town that I was in, -
4:32 - 4:36and the name of the city
that I needed to get to to fly out, -
4:36 - 4:39but I had no idea how to get around.
-
4:40 - 4:43I had no guidebook and very little money,
-
4:43 - 4:45and I spoke no Spanish.
-
4:46 - 4:48Someone more adventurous than me
-
4:48 - 4:50might have seen this as
a moment of opportunity, -
4:50 - 4:52but I just froze.
-
4:52 - 4:54I just sat there.
-
4:55 - 4:57And then I burst into tears.
-
4:57 - 5:00But despite my panic,
-
5:00 - 5:02some small voice in my head thought,
-
5:02 - 5:05"Wow. That was dramatic.
-
5:05 - 5:07I must really be doing
this love thing right." -
5:07 - 5:09(Laughter)
-
5:09 - 5:14Because some part of me
wanted to feel miserable in love. -
5:14 - 5:18And it sounds so strange
to me now, but at 22, -
5:18 - 5:21I longed to have dramatic experiences,
-
5:21 - 5:26and in that moment, I was irrational
and furious and devastated, -
5:26 - 5:27and weirdly enough,
-
5:27 - 5:31I thought that this somehow
legitimized the feelings I had -
5:31 - 5:33for the guy who had just left me.
-
5:34 - 5:39I think on some level I wanted
to feel a little bit crazy, -
5:39 - 5:42because I thought that
that was how loved worked. -
5:43 - 5:45This really should not be surprising,
-
5:45 - 5:47considering that according to Wikipedia,
-
5:47 - 5:50there are eight films,
-
5:50 - 5:5214 songs,
-
5:52 - 5:55two albums and one novel
with the title "Crazy Love." -
5:56 - 5:59About half an hour later,
he came back to our room. -
5:59 - 6:00We made up.
-
6:00 - 6:03We spent another mostly
happy week traveling together. -
6:03 - 6:04And then, when I got home,
-
6:04 - 6:09I thought, "That was so
terrible and so great. -
6:10 - 6:12This must be a real romance."
-
6:13 - 6:16I expected my first love
to feel like madness, -
6:16 - 6:20and of course, it met
that expectation very well. -
6:20 - 6:22But loving someone like that --
-
6:22 - 6:26as if my entire well-being depended
on him loving me back -- -
6:26 - 6:28was not very good for me
-
6:28 - 6:29or for him.
-
6:30 - 6:34But I suspect this experience of love
is not that unusual. -
6:34 - 6:38Most of us do feel a bit mad
in the early stages of romantic love. -
6:39 - 6:43In fact, there is research to confirm
that this is somewhat normal, -
6:43 - 6:45because, neurochemically speaking,
-
6:45 - 6:50romantic love and mental illness
are not that easily distinguished. -
6:51 - 6:52This is true.
-
6:52 - 6:57This study from 1999 used blood tests
-
6:57 - 7:00to confirm that the serotonin
levels of the newly in love -
7:00 - 7:03very closely resembled
the serotonin levels -
7:03 - 7:06of people who had been diagnosed
with obsessive-compulsive disorder. -
7:06 - 7:07(Laughter)
-
7:07 - 7:10Yes, and low levels of serotonin
-
7:10 - 7:13are also associated
with seasonal affective disorder -
7:13 - 7:15and depression.
-
7:16 - 7:18So there is some evidence
-
7:18 - 7:22that love is associated with changes
to our moods and our behaviors. -
7:22 - 7:26And there are other studies to confirm
-
7:26 - 7:30that most relationships begin this way.
-
7:31 - 7:35Researchers believe
that the low levels of serotonin -
7:35 - 7:39is correlated with obsessive thinking
about the object of love, -
7:39 - 7:43which is like this feeling that someone
has set up camp in your brain. -
7:43 - 7:46And most of us feel this way
when we first fall in love. -
7:46 - 7:49But the good news is,
it doesn't always last that long -- -
7:49 - 7:52usually from a few months
to a couple of years. -
7:53 - 7:56When I got back from my trip
to South America, -
7:56 - 8:00I spent a lot of time alone in my room,
-
8:00 - 8:01checking my email,
-
8:01 - 8:04desperate to hear from the guy I loved.
-
8:05 - 8:10I decided that if my friends could not
understand my grievous affliction, -
8:10 - 8:12then I did not need their friendship.
-
8:12 - 8:14So I stopped hanging out
with most of them. -
8:14 - 8:19And it was probably the most
unhappy year of my life. -
8:19 - 8:23But I think I felt like
it was my job to be miserable, -
8:24 - 8:26because if I could be miserable,
-
8:26 - 8:28then I would prove how much I loved him.
-
8:28 - 8:30And if I could prove it,
-
8:30 - 8:33then we would have to end up
together eventually. -
8:34 - 8:36This is the real madness,
-
8:36 - 8:39because there is no cosmic rule
-
8:39 - 8:42that says that great suffering
equals great reward, -
8:42 - 8:46but we talk about love as if this is true.
-
8:47 - 8:51Our experiences of love
are both biological and cultural. -
8:52 - 8:54Our biology tells us that love is good
-
8:54 - 8:57by activating these reward
circuits in our brain, -
8:57 - 9:02and it tells us that love is painful
when, after a fight or a breakup, -
9:02 - 9:05that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.
-
9:05 - 9:08And in fact -- and maybe
you've heard this -- -
9:08 - 9:09neurochemically speaking,
-
9:09 - 9:13going through a breakup is a lot
like going through cocaine withdrawal, -
9:14 - 9:15which I find reassuring.
-
9:15 - 9:16(Laughter)
-
9:17 - 9:20And then our culture uses language
-
9:20 - 9:23to shape and reinforce
these ideas about love. -
9:23 - 9:25In this case, we're talking
about metaphors about pain -
9:25 - 9:27and addiction and madness.
-
9:28 - 9:30It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.
-
9:30 - 9:34Love is powerful and at times painful,
-
9:34 - 9:37and we express this
in our words and stories, -
9:37 - 9:40but then our words and stories prime us
-
9:40 - 9:43to expect love to be powerful and painful.
-
9:44 - 9:47What's interesting to me
is that all of this happens -
9:47 - 9:50in a culture that values
lifelong monogamy. -
9:51 - 9:53It seems like we want it both ways:
-
9:53 - 9:55we want love to feel like madness,
-
9:56 - 9:59and we want it to last an entire lifetime.
-
10:00 - 10:01That sounds terrible.
-
10:01 - 10:03(Laughter)
-
10:04 - 10:05To reconcile this,
-
10:05 - 10:10we need to either change our culture
or change our expectations. -
10:11 - 10:15So, imagine if we were all
less passive in love. -
10:16 - 10:20If we were more assertive,
more open-minded, more generous -
10:20 - 10:23and instead of falling in love,
-
10:23 - 10:25we stepped into love.
-
10:26 - 10:28I know that this is asking a lot,
-
10:28 - 10:32but I'm not actually
the first person to suggest this. -
10:33 - 10:36In their book, "Metaphors We Live By,"
-
10:36 - 10:41linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff
suggest a really interesting solution -
10:41 - 10:42to this dilemma,
-
10:42 - 10:45which is to change our metaphors.
-
10:46 - 10:50They argue that metaphors really do shape
the way we experience the world, -
10:51 - 10:55and that they can even act
as a guide for future actions, -
10:55 - 10:56like self-fulfilling prophecies.
-
10:57 - 11:01Johnson and Lakoff suggest
a new metaphor for love: -
11:02 - 11:04love as a collaborative work of art.
-
11:05 - 11:08I really like this way
of thinking about love. -
11:09 - 11:13Linguists talk about metaphors
as having entailments, -
11:13 - 11:16which is essentially a way of considering
all the implications of, -
11:16 - 11:19or ideas contained
within, a given metaphor. -
11:19 - 11:22And Johnson and Lakoff
talk about everything -
11:22 - 11:24that collaborating
on a work of art entails: -
11:25 - 11:29effort, compromise,
patience, shared goals. -
11:30 - 11:33These ideas align nicely
with our cultural investment -
11:34 - 11:36in long-term romantic commitment,
-
11:36 - 11:39but they also work well
for other kinds of relationships -- -
11:40 - 11:46short-term, casual, polyamorous,
non-monogamous, asexual -- -
11:46 - 11:50because this metaphor brings
much more complex ideas -
11:50 - 11:52to the experience of loving someone.
-
11:53 - 11:57So if love is a collaborative work of art,
-
11:57 - 12:00then love is an aesthetic experience.
-
12:02 - 12:03Love is unpredictable,
-
12:04 - 12:06love is creative,
-
12:07 - 12:11love requires communication
and discipline, -
12:11 - 12:14it is frustrating
and emotionally demanding. -
12:15 - 12:18And love involves both joy and pain.
-
12:19 - 12:22Ultimately, each experience
of love is different. -
12:24 - 12:25When I was younger,
-
12:25 - 12:30it never occurred to me that I was allowed
to demand more from love, -
12:30 - 12:34that I didn't have to just accept
whatever love offered. -
12:35 - 12:38When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --
-
12:38 - 12:42or, when 14-year-old Juliet
cannot be with Romeo, -
12:42 - 12:45whom she has met four days ago,
-
12:45 - 12:49she does not feel disappointed or angsty.
-
12:49 - 12:50Where is she?
-
12:50 - 12:52She wants to die.
-
12:52 - 12:53Right?
-
12:53 - 12:56And just as a refresher,
at this point in the play, -
12:56 - 12:57act three of five,
-
12:57 - 12:59Romeo is not dead.
-
13:00 - 13:01He's alive,
-
13:01 - 13:02he's healthy,
-
13:02 - 13:05he's just been banished from the city.
-
13:06 - 13:12I understand that 16th-century Verona
is unlike contemporary North America, -
13:12 - 13:15and yet when I first read this play,
-
13:15 - 13:17also at age 14,
-
13:17 - 13:20Juliet's suffering made sense to me.
-
13:21 - 13:27Reframing love as something
I get to create with someone I admire, -
13:27 - 13:29rather than something
that just happens to me -
13:29 - 13:32without my control or consent,
-
13:32 - 13:33is empowering.
-
13:34 - 13:35It's still hard.
-
13:35 - 13:41Love still feels totally maddening
and crushing some days, -
13:41 - 13:43and when I feel really frustrated,
-
13:43 - 13:44I have to remind myself:
-
13:45 - 13:48my job in this relationship
is to talk to my partner -
13:48 - 13:50about what I want to make together.
-
13:52 - 13:54This isn't easy, either.
-
13:55 - 13:58But it's just so much better
than the alternative, -
13:59 - 14:01which is that thing
that feels like madness. -
14:03 - 14:08This version of love is not about winning
or losing someone's affection. -
14:09 - 14:12Instead, it requires
that you trust your partner -
14:12 - 14:15and talk about things
when trusting feels difficult, -
14:15 - 14:18which sounds so simple,
-
14:18 - 14:22but is actually a kind
of revolutionary, radical act. -
14:23 - 14:26This is because you get to stop
thinking about yourself -
14:27 - 14:30and what you're gaining
or losing in your relationship, -
14:30 - 14:34and you get to start thinking
about what you have to offer. -
14:35 - 14:38This version of love
allows us to say things like, -
14:38 - 14:43"Hey, we're not very good collaborators.
Maybe this isn't for us." -
14:44 - 14:48Or, "That relationship
was shorter than I had planned, -
14:48 - 14:50but it was still kind of beautiful."
-
14:51 - 14:54The beautiful thing
about the collaborative work of art -
14:54 - 14:57is that it will not paint
or draw or sculpt itself. -
14:57 - 15:01This version of love allows us
to decide what it looks like. -
15:01 - 15:02Thank you.
-
15:02 - 15:04(Applause)
- Title:
- A better way to talk about love
- Speaker:
- Mandy Len Catron
- Description:
-
In love, we fall. We're struck, we're crushed, we swoon. We burn with passion. Love makes us crazy and makes us sick. Our hearts ache, and then they break. Talking about love in this way fundamentally shapes how we experience it, says writer Mandy Len Catron. In this talk for anyone who's ever felt crazy in love, Catron highlights a different metaphor for love that may help us find more joy -- and less suffering -- in it.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 15:17
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Brian Greene edited English subtitles for A better way to talk about love | |
![]() |
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for A better way to talk about love | |
![]() |
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for A better way to talk about love | |
![]() |
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for A better way to talk about love | |
![]() |
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for A better way to talk about love | |
![]() |
Brian Greene approved English subtitles for A better way to talk about love | |
![]() |
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for A better way to talk about love | |
![]() |
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for A better way to talk about love |