What you don't know about marriage
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0:00 - 0:03Every year in the United States alone,
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0:03 - 0:102,077,000 couples make
a legal and spiritual decision -
0:10 - 0:13to spend the rest
of their lives together -- -
0:14 - 0:15(Laughter)
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0:15 - 0:18And not to have sex with anyone else.
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0:20 - 0:21Ever.
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0:21 - 0:24He buys a ring, she buys a dress.
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0:25 - 0:28They go shopping for all sorts of things.
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0:28 - 0:33She takes him to Arthur Murray
for ballroom-dancing lessons. -
0:34 - 0:35And the big day comes.
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0:35 - 0:38And they'll stand before God and family
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0:38 - 0:41and some guy her dad
once did business with, -
0:41 - 0:44and they'll vow that nothing --
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0:44 - 0:46not abject poverty,
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0:46 - 0:48not life-threatening illness,
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0:48 - 0:52not complete and utter misery --
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0:52 - 0:57will ever put the tiniest damper
on their eternal love and devotion. -
0:57 - 0:59(Laughter)
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0:59 - 1:03These optimistic young bastards
promise to honor and cherish each other -
1:03 - 1:07through hot flashes and midlife crises
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1:07 - 1:10and a cumulative 50-pound weight gain,
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1:10 - 1:17until that far-off day, when one of them
is finally able to rest in peace. -
1:17 - 1:19(Laughter)
-
1:19 - 1:21You know, because they can't hear
the snoring anymore. -
1:22 - 1:23And then they'll get stupid drunk
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1:23 - 1:26and smash cake in each other's faces
and do the Macarena. -
1:26 - 1:28And we'll be there,
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1:28 - 1:33showering them with towels and toasters
and drinking their free booze -
1:33 - 1:36and throwing birdseed at them
every single time ... -
1:37 - 1:40even though we know, statistically,
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1:40 - 1:44half of them will be divorced
within a decade. -
1:44 - 1:45(Laughter)
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1:46 - 1:49Of course, the other half won't, right?
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1:49 - 1:52They'll keep forgetting anniversaries
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1:52 - 1:54and arguing about where to spend holidays
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1:54 - 1:56and debating --
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1:56 - 1:57(Laughter)
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1:57 - 2:00Which way the toilet paper
should come off of the roll. -
2:01 - 2:06And some of them will even still
be enjoying each other's company -
2:06 - 2:09when neither of them can chew
solid food anymore. -
2:10 - 2:13And researchers want to know why.
-
2:13 - 2:16I mean, look -- it doesn't take
a double-blind, placebo-controlled study -
2:16 - 2:19to figure out what makes
a marriage not work: -
2:19 - 2:22disrespect, boredom,
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2:22 - 2:24too much time on Facebook,
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2:24 - 2:26having sex with other people.
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2:26 - 2:30But you can have the exact
opposite of all of those things -- -
2:30 - 2:32respect, excitement,
-
2:32 - 2:35a broken Internet connection,
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2:35 - 2:38mind-numbing monogamy --
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2:39 - 2:41and the thing still can go
to hell in a handbasket. -
2:42 - 2:44So, what's going on when it doesn't?
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2:45 - 2:49What do the folks who make it all the way
to side-by-side burial plots -
2:49 - 2:51have in common?
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2:51 - 2:53What are they doing right?
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2:53 - 2:55What can we learn from them?
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2:55 - 2:59And if you're still happily sleeping solo,
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2:59 - 3:04why should you stop what you're doing
and make it your life's work -
3:04 - 3:06to find that one special person
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3:06 - 3:09that you can annoy
for the rest of your life? -
3:10 - 3:13Well, researchers spend
billions of your tax dollars -
3:13 - 3:15trying to figure that out.
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3:15 - 3:17They stalk blissful couples
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3:17 - 3:20and study their every move and mannerism.
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3:20 - 3:24And they try to pinpoint
what it is that sets them apart -
3:24 - 3:26from their miserable
neighbors and friends. -
3:26 - 3:32And it turns out, the success stories
share a few similarities, -
3:32 - 3:34beyond that they don't have sex
with other people. -
3:35 - 3:38For instance, in the happiest marriages,
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3:38 - 3:40the wife is thinner and better-looking
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3:40 - 3:41than the husband.
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3:41 - 3:42(Laughter)
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3:42 - 3:44Obvious. Right?
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3:44 - 3:47It's obvious that this leads
to marital bliss, -
3:47 - 3:51because women -- we care a great deal
about being thin and good-looking, -
3:51 - 3:53whereas men mostly care about sex,
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3:54 - 3:58ideally, with women who are thinner
and better looking than they are. -
3:58 - 4:00The beauty of this research, though,
-
4:00 - 4:03is that no one is suggesting
that women have to be thin to be happy. -
4:04 - 4:07We just have to be thinner
than our partners. -
4:07 - 4:11So instead of all that laborious
dieting and exercising, -
4:11 - 4:13we just need to wait
for them to get fat -- -
4:13 - 4:15(Laughter)
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4:15 - 4:17Maybe bake a few pies.
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4:17 - 4:20This is good information to have,
and it's not that complicated. -
4:20 - 4:21(Laughter)
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4:21 - 4:23Research also suggests
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4:23 - 4:28that the happiest couples are the ones
that focus on the positives. -
4:28 - 4:30For example: the happy wife.
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4:30 - 4:32Instead of pointing out
her husband's growing gut -
4:32 - 4:35or suggesting he go for a run,
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4:35 - 4:36she might say,
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4:36 - 4:40"Wow, honey, thank you
for going out of your way -
4:40 - 4:42to make me relatively thinner."
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4:42 - 4:43(Laughter)
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4:43 - 4:46These are couples
who can find good in any situation. -
4:46 - 4:50"Yeah, it was devastating
when we lost everything in that fire. -
4:51 - 4:54But it's kind of nice sleeping
out here under the stars. -
4:54 - 4:57And it's a good thing you've got
all that body fat to keep us warm." -
4:57 - 4:58(Laughter)
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4:58 - 5:00One of my favorite studies found
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5:00 - 5:03that the more willing
a husband is to do housework, -
5:03 - 5:06the more attractive
his wife will find him. -
5:07 - 5:09Because we needed a study to tell us this.
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5:09 - 5:11(Laughter)
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5:11 - 5:12But here's what's going on here.
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5:12 - 5:15The more attractive she finds him,
the more sex they have; -
5:15 - 5:18the more sex they have,
the nicer he is to her; -
5:18 - 5:20the nicer he is to her,
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5:20 - 5:22the less she nags him
about leaving wet towels on the bed, -
5:22 - 5:25and ultimately,
they live happily ever after. -
5:26 - 5:29In other words, men,
you might want to pick it up a notch -
5:29 - 5:30in the domestic department.
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5:32 - 5:33Here's an interesting one.
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5:33 - 5:38One study found that people
who smile in childhood photographs -
5:38 - 5:40are less likely to get a divorce.
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5:42 - 5:44This is an actual study,
and let me clarify: -
5:44 - 5:48the researchers were not looking
at documented self-reports -
5:48 - 5:49of childhood happiness,
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5:49 - 5:51or even studying old journals.
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5:51 - 5:56The data were based entirely
on whether people looked happy -
5:56 - 5:57in these early pictures.
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5:58 - 6:02Now, I don't know how old all of you are,
but when I was a kid, -
6:02 - 6:05your parents took pictures
with a special kind of camera -
6:05 - 6:07that held something called "film."
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6:08 - 6:10And, by God, film was expensive.
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6:12 - 6:16They didn't take 300 shots of you
in that rapid-fire digital video mode -
6:16 - 6:20and then pick out the nicest,
smiliest one for the Christmas card. -
6:21 - 6:22Oh, no.
-
6:23 - 6:25They dressed you up, they lined you up,
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6:25 - 6:28and you smiled for the fucking camera
like they told you to -
6:28 - 6:30or you could kiss
your birthday party goodbye. -
6:30 - 6:34But still, I have a huge pile
of fake happy childhood pictures -
6:34 - 6:38and I'm glad they make me less likely
than some people to get a divorce. -
6:38 - 6:42So, what else can you do
to safeguard your marriage? -
6:43 - 6:46Do not win an Oscar for best actress.
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6:46 - 6:48(Laughter)
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6:48 - 6:49I'm serious.
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6:49 - 6:52Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford,
Halle Berry, Hilary Swank, -
6:52 - 6:54Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon --
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6:54 - 6:58all of them single,
soon after taking home that statue. -
6:58 - 7:00They actually call it the Oscar curse.
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7:00 - 7:04It is the marriage kiss of death
and something that should be avoided. -
7:05 - 7:09And it's not just successfully
starring in films that's dangerous. -
7:09 - 7:13It turns out, merely watching
a romantic comedy -
7:13 - 7:16causes relationship
satisfaction to plummet. -
7:16 - 7:17(Laughter)
-
7:17 - 7:23Apparently, the bitter realization
that maybe it could happen to us, -
7:23 - 7:26but it obviously hasn't
and it probably never will, -
7:26 - 7:29makes our lives seem
unbearably grim in comparison. -
7:30 - 7:31And theoretically,
-
7:31 - 7:35I suppose if we opt for a film
where someone gets brutally murdered -
7:35 - 7:37or dies in a fiery car crash,
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7:37 - 7:39we are more likely to walk out
of that theater -
7:39 - 7:41feeling like we've got it pretty good.
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7:41 - 7:43(Laughter)
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7:43 - 7:47Drinking alcohol, it seems,
is bad for your marriage. -
7:48 - 7:50Yeah.
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7:50 - 7:52I can't tell you anymore about that one
-
7:52 - 7:54because I stopped reading it
at the headline. -
7:54 - 7:58But here's a scary one:
divorce is contagious. -
7:59 - 8:01That's right, when you have
a close couple friend split up, -
8:02 - 8:06it increases your chances
of getting a divorce by 75 percent. -
8:07 - 8:10Now, I have to say,
I don't get this one at all. -
8:10 - 8:15My husband and I have watched
quite a few friends divide their assets -
8:15 - 8:20and then struggle
with being our age and single -
8:20 - 8:24in an age of sexting
and Viagra and eHarmony. -
8:24 - 8:27And I'm thinking they've done
more for my marriage -
8:27 - 8:29than a lifetime of therapy ever could.
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8:30 - 8:34So now you may be wondering:
Why does anyone get married ever? -
8:35 - 8:41Well, the US federal government
counts more than a thousand legal benefits -
8:41 - 8:42to being someone's spouse.
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8:43 - 8:45A list that includes
visitation rights in jail, -
8:45 - 8:47but hopefully, you'll never need that one.
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8:48 - 8:51But beyond the profound federal perks,
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8:52 - 8:54married people make more money.
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8:54 - 8:58We're healthier,
physically and emotionally. -
8:58 - 9:03We produce happier, more stable
and more successful kids. -
9:04 - 9:08We have more sex than our supposedly
swinging single friends, -
9:08 - 9:09believe it or not.
-
9:10 - 9:11We even live longer,
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9:11 - 9:16which is a pretty compelling argument
for marrying someone you like a lot -
9:16 - 9:17in the first place.
-
9:17 - 9:18(Laughter)
-
9:18 - 9:24Now, if you're not currently experiencing
the joy of the joint tax return, -
9:24 - 9:28I can't tell you how to find
a chore-loving person -
9:28 - 9:30of the approximately ideal size
and attractiveness, -
9:30 - 9:32who prefers horror movies
-
9:32 - 9:35and doesn't have a lot of friends
hovering on the brink of divorce, -
9:35 - 9:37but I can only encourage you to try,
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9:37 - 9:40because the benefits, as I've pointed out,
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9:40 - 9:41are significant.
-
9:42 - 9:45The bottom line is: whether you're in it
or you're searching for it, -
9:45 - 9:50I believe marriage is an institution
worth pursuing and protecting. -
9:50 - 9:53So I hope you'll use the information
I've given you today -
9:53 - 9:56to weigh your personal strengths
against your own risk factors. -
9:57 - 10:00For instance, in my marriage,
I'd say I'm doing OK. -
10:01 - 10:03One the one hand,
-
10:03 - 10:07I have a husband who's annoyingly lean
and incredibly handsome. -
10:07 - 10:10So I'm obviously going
to need fatten him up. -
10:10 - 10:13And like I said, we have
those divorced friends -
10:13 - 10:16who may secretly or subconsciously
be trying to break us up. -
10:17 - 10:19So we have to keep an eye on that.
-
10:20 - 10:22And we do like a cocktail or two.
-
10:23 - 10:24On the other hand,
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10:24 - 10:27I have the fake happy picture thing.
-
10:27 - 10:30And also, my husband does
a lot around the house, -
10:30 - 10:34and would happily never see
another romantic comedy -
10:34 - 10:35as long as he lives.
-
10:35 - 10:37So I've got all those things going for me.
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10:38 - 10:39But just in case,
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10:39 - 10:44I plan to work extra hard
to not win an Oscar anytime soon. -
10:45 - 10:47And for the good of your relationships,
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10:47 - 10:49I would encourage you to do the same.
-
10:50 - 10:51I'll see you at the bar.
-
10:51 - 10:52(Laughter)
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10:52 - 10:55(Applause)
- Title:
- What you don't know about marriage
- Speaker:
- Jenna McCarthy
- Description:
-
In this funny, casual talk from TEDx, writer Jenna McCarthy shares surprising research on how marriages (especially happy marriages) really work. One tip: Do not try to win an Oscar for best actress.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 10:57
Krystian Aparta commented on English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | ||
TED edited English subtitles for What you don't know about marriage | ||
TED added a translation |
Krystian Aparta
The English transcript was updated on 1/24/2017.