The story of a parent's transition and a son's redemption
-
0:01 - 0:06Paula Stone Williams: So, I was the CEO
of a large, religious nonprofit, -
0:06 - 0:10spoke at some of the largest
churches in America, -
0:10 - 0:14was on television in 70 different markets,
-
0:14 - 0:16but more than anything else,
-
0:16 - 0:19I just wanted to be a good parent.
-
0:20 - 0:21I told all three of my children,
-
0:21 - 0:23"When the going gets tough,
-
0:23 - 0:26you have to choose the road less traveled,
-
0:26 - 0:28the narrow path."
-
0:28 - 0:33I had no idea how difficult
that was going to become. -
0:33 - 0:36I knew from the time I was three
or four years of age -
0:36 - 0:38that I was transgender.
-
0:38 - 0:42I knew if I came out,
I would lose everything. -
0:42 - 0:46But the call toward authenticity is sacred
-
0:46 - 0:48and for the greater good,
-
0:48 - 0:53and it asks you to trust that the truth
not only sets you free, -
0:53 - 0:56it will set everyone free.
-
0:56 - 0:58I decided to stake my life on it.
-
0:59 - 1:00So I came out.
-
1:01 - 1:03Turns out, if you spend most of your life
-
1:03 - 1:05working in the conservative
religious world, -
1:05 - 1:09coming out as transgender
is not all that great for your career. -
1:09 - 1:11(Laughter)
-
1:12 - 1:13Who knew?
-
1:13 - 1:15(Laughter)
-
1:16 - 1:21Within seven days, I lost
every single one of my jobs. -
1:22 - 1:25My family was supportive but struggling.
-
1:25 - 1:27Most of my friends
and coworkers had rejected me; -
1:27 - 1:29the rest were confused.
-
1:29 - 1:33One friend said,
"You really messed with me." -
1:34 - 1:36I said, "Yeah, well, get in line."
-
1:36 - 1:42They said, "You were my only example
of an alpha male who was gentle." -
1:42 - 1:45And I thought, "Oh. You're right."
-
1:45 - 1:47I was an alpha male.
-
1:47 - 1:49And I was gentle.
-
1:50 - 1:52And if it was hard for him,
-
1:52 - 1:56how much more difficult
was it for my own son? -
1:57 - 2:00Jonathan Williams: Estrangement
was not an option. -
2:00 - 2:03It was Father's Day and my girls
brought me craft beer -
2:03 - 2:05and a homemade jar of pickles,
which, in my estimation, -
2:05 - 2:07is the perfect Father's Day gift.
-
2:07 - 2:08(Laughter)
-
2:08 - 2:10But the question remained:
-
2:10 - 2:12Do I call my own father?
-
2:12 - 2:15To call him, and I continue down
this spiral of denial, -
2:15 - 2:17pretending that my dad was still --
-
2:17 - 2:19well, my dad.
-
2:19 - 2:23To not call was to acknowledge
that everything had changed. -
2:23 - 2:28It meant that I was in for years of pain
and mourning and sadness, -
2:28 - 2:31but ultimately, hope for reconciliation.
-
2:32 - 2:36There's no playbook for when one's father
of 30 plus years decides to transition -
2:36 - 2:38to the female gender.
-
2:38 - 2:40But my dad did teach me one thing.
-
2:40 - 2:44He said the road to redemption always
comes from choosing the narrow path. -
2:45 - 2:47And so I decided not to call that day,
-
2:47 - 2:51and a few months later, Paula flew
out and met me at a hotel in New York, -
2:51 - 2:52my wife and I.
-
2:52 - 2:55I knocked on the door,
and this woman answered. -
2:55 - 2:57It definitely wasn't my dad.
-
2:58 - 2:59"It's good to see you," she said.
-
3:00 - 3:02It didn't sound like my dad, either.
-
3:02 - 3:05We went to lunch, and the waiter
came to take our order. -
3:05 - 3:07He said, "Let's start with the ladies,"
-
3:07 - 3:10but there was only one lady
at the table and it was my wife, -
3:10 - 3:12and -- oh my God, there are two
women at the table. -
3:12 - 3:14And my dad ordered something like lettuce,
-
3:14 - 3:16and I was like, I have fries on my plate.
-
3:16 - 3:19Did my dad like fries? I don't remember.
-
3:19 - 3:22I think he liked them.
-
3:22 - 3:23But she wasn't eating them.
-
3:25 - 3:28Here's this woman who knew
everything about me, -
3:28 - 3:30and I knew nothing about her.
-
3:31 - 3:33I don't even remember saying goodbye.
-
3:35 - 3:37PSW: All I could think about that day
-
3:37 - 3:39was that it was late
September in New York, -
3:39 - 3:41and I was wearing white jeans.
-
3:41 - 3:42(Laughter)
-
3:43 - 3:46You don't wear white
after Labor Day in New York. -
3:47 - 3:48There was a knock at the door,
-
3:48 - 3:52and all I could think about was,
here I stand in my wrong jeans. -
3:52 - 3:54And then I saw these big,
blue eyes I love so much, -
3:54 - 3:57and they were staring
back at me in disbelief. -
3:57 - 4:01And I thought, "Oh, this is not
going to be easy." -
4:02 - 4:05When one person in a family transitions,
-
4:05 - 4:08the entire family transitions
whether they want to or not. -
4:09 - 4:11Now, for those on the fringes it was easy.
-
4:12 - 4:14The liberals said, "Oh, wonderful!
-
4:14 - 4:16She's found her truth, how delightful."
-
4:16 - 4:19And the conservatives said,
"That's messed up, I'm out of here." -
4:19 - 4:20(Laughter)
-
4:20 - 4:24But for my family, neither extreme
was going to work. -
4:24 - 4:27Their anger, their hurt,
-
4:27 - 4:30their love and loyalty --
-
4:30 - 4:34all of it had to be brought
on to the road of trials. -
4:35 - 4:37JW: Was it all a lie?
-
4:37 - 4:40Every game of catch in the front yard,
the Mets season tickets -- -
4:40 - 4:43was that with my dad or was that with her?
-
4:45 - 4:46I remember this one time,
-
4:46 - 4:49my dad took me on a bike ride
through Heckscher Park -
4:49 - 4:50to teach me about sex.
-
4:50 - 4:55He explained the parts of the body
that I now know he wished weren't hers. -
4:56 - 4:59Had my father ever even existed?
-
5:00 - 5:01Now, grief --
-
5:01 - 5:02grief is without rules.
-
5:03 - 5:05Grief borrows your car without asking,
-
5:05 - 5:07wrecks it
-
5:07 - 5:08and then doesn't apologize.
-
5:08 - 5:10And I was a wreck.
-
5:10 - 5:11This was heavy.
-
5:11 - 5:12I retreated into myself.
-
5:12 - 5:14I was angry.
-
5:14 - 5:16I felt betrayed.
-
5:16 - 5:17And I guess I should have known
-
5:17 - 5:20by the fact that you encouraged
me to be a Mets fan -
5:20 - 5:23that you were preparing me
for life's really big disappointments. -
5:23 - 5:24(Laughter)
-
5:24 - 5:25That's true.
-
5:26 - 5:28And yet, there were the games of catch,
-
5:28 - 5:29and there were the season tickets
-
5:29 - 5:32and bacon, egg and cheese
sandwiches every Saturday -
5:32 - 5:34from the best bagel place on Long Island.
-
5:34 - 5:36My father lived this life
he didn't want to live, -
5:36 - 5:40but he lived it so
that I could have a dad. -
5:41 - 5:43I stopped wondering
if my dad had ever existed. -
5:44 - 5:49He had existed -- willfully,
consciously, intentionally -- -
5:49 - 5:51each and every day of my growing up.
-
5:52 - 5:53For that, I was thankful.
-
5:55 - 5:58Paula's body was hers now
and her transformation was complete, -
5:58 - 6:01but my transformation was just beginning.
-
6:01 - 6:05I had another trial, another journey,
another choice to heed my father's advice -
6:05 - 6:07and continue down that narrow path.
-
6:09 - 6:12PSW: So most days
I believe there is a God. -
6:12 - 6:15Tuesdays and Thursdays can be tough,
-
6:15 - 6:17and any day that you're
on the New Jersey Turnpike. -
6:17 - 6:19I mean, really, you know?
-
6:19 - 6:20(Laughter)
-
6:20 - 6:23It's hard to believe in God
when your soul is in the wrong body. -
6:24 - 6:27Still, somehow I ended up in ministry.
-
6:27 - 6:29When I lost all my jobs,
it was nothing personal. -
6:29 - 6:32It's what religious tribes do.
-
6:32 - 6:35They believe an enemy is necessary
for the tribe to survive, -
6:35 - 6:37so where no enemy exists,
-
6:37 - 6:39they create one.
-
6:39 - 6:42Right now, sexual minorities
are the enemy; -
6:42 - 6:44my departure was swift and sure.
-
6:45 - 6:49I was surprised when my son
left his job teaching in West Philadelphia -
6:49 - 6:51to go into the ministry.
-
6:51 - 6:53I did not see that one coming.
-
6:54 - 6:56And now I wondered:
-
6:56 - 6:58What would he do?
-
6:58 - 7:01I didn't have to wait that long
to find an answer. -
7:01 - 7:04Six months after that first visit,
-
7:04 - 7:07he invited me back to New York.
-
7:07 - 7:09JW: The designers of the Brooklyn Bridge,
-
7:09 - 7:11they had their share of bad luck.
-
7:11 - 7:15John Roebling, he died shortly after
the bridge's construction began. -
7:15 - 7:16His son Washington took over,
-
7:16 - 7:19but he suffered
from decompression sickness. -
7:19 - 7:22His wife Emily became the surrogate
executive engineer -
7:22 - 7:24who oversaw the bridge's completion.
-
7:24 - 7:26Father and son,
-
7:26 - 7:27John and Washington,
-
7:27 - 7:29done in by their work.
-
7:30 - 7:31It was this sunny day in May
-
7:31 - 7:34and my father and I sat in the shadow
of that Brooklyn Bridge. -
7:35 - 7:37Would our lives follow the Roeblings' --
-
7:37 - 7:40father and son, done in by our work?
-
7:41 - 7:43My father thought
that her friends in church -
7:43 - 7:45would carry her through her transition,
-
7:45 - 7:47and they did not.
-
7:47 - 7:49They ditched her and they clung to me.
-
7:49 - 7:52I was the pastor
of a new church in Brooklyn. -
7:52 - 7:54This wonderful group
of forward-thinking people, -
7:54 - 7:58and yet, we were financially tied
to really conservative churches. -
7:58 - 8:03To hold space for Paula meant jeopardizing
our own church's livelihood. -
8:03 - 8:07I sort of straddled the line
between these warring worlds. -
8:07 - 8:08So I said to my dad,
-
8:08 - 8:11"Dad, I still live and work
in your old world. -
8:11 - 8:14Is it possible that you might extend
an olive branch for my sake?" -
8:15 - 8:19And her response was impassioned.
-
8:20 - 8:24You said to me, "Do you have
any idea what it feels like -
8:24 - 8:26to finally show yourself
to your true friends -
8:26 - 8:29and have them completely reject you?
-
8:29 - 8:30To ask you to live a lie?
-
8:30 - 8:32Do you know what that feels like?"
-
8:33 - 8:35And I didn't know what that felt like.
-
8:37 - 8:39But I knew I had a decision to make.
-
8:39 - 8:43It was the decision to continue
down that narrow path through nights, -
8:43 - 8:45but for the first time,
-
8:45 - 8:47I caught a glimpse of light.
-
8:48 - 8:52I cannot ask my father to be anything
other than her true self. -
8:54 - 8:58(Applause)
-
9:00 - 9:03PSW: So as we sat by the river that day,
-
9:03 - 9:09Jonathan talked about his pain,
his suffering, his grief, his confusion. -
9:09 - 9:13He brought all of himself
to that conversation, -
9:15 - 9:17and it tore at me
-
9:19 - 9:22to be the cause of such pain.
-
9:25 - 9:28But as he talked, there was something
redemptive going on, -
9:28 - 9:31full of tension but possibility,
-
9:31 - 9:34grounded in that narrow path.
-
9:35 - 9:39He said, "This is always going to be hard.
-
9:39 - 9:41It always will be.
-
9:41 - 9:42But Dad,
-
9:43 - 9:44I love you."
-
9:45 - 9:49My son is the best of me and more.
-
9:49 - 9:52He's bold and strong,
-
9:52 - 9:54sensitive and thoughtful.
-
9:55 - 9:57I guess you could say,
-
9:58 - 10:01he's an alpha male who's gentle.
-
10:03 - 10:06JW: It was time for my daughters
to meet their -- Paula. -
10:06 - 10:07We went back to my apartment,
-
10:07 - 10:10and my daughters were coloring
at the dining room table, -
10:10 - 10:12and there was this awkward silence.
-
10:12 - 10:16And finally, my youngest asked
a single, confident question. -
10:16 - 10:19"So, Grandpa, do you have a penis?"
-
10:20 - 10:22(Laughter)
-
10:22 - 10:25And after the tension abated
and the laughter subsided, -
10:25 - 10:28my girls took their grandpa
back into their room -
10:28 - 10:29and showed her their new toys,
-
10:29 - 10:31and they christened her with a new name.
-
10:31 - 10:33They called her "GrandPaula."
-
10:33 - 10:36(Laughter)
-
10:38 - 10:42PSW: So this past summer, I had all five
of my granddaughters at my home, -
10:42 - 10:44there in the foothills
of the Rocky Mountains. -
10:44 - 10:46We went swimming
in the cool waters of the river -
10:46 - 10:48that flows through our little town.
-
10:48 - 10:50And one day, one of Jonathan's
girls said to me, -
10:50 - 10:54"GrandPaula, can we go
tubing on the river?" -
10:54 - 10:56And I said, "Well, you know,
-
10:56 - 10:58I'd really wait until your daddy
gets here for that. -
10:58 - 11:01That feels to me like
that ought to be his call." -
11:01 - 11:05And she said, "Oh, but GrandPaula,
-
11:05 - 11:07he'll exactly make the same
decision you would. -
11:07 - 11:10He's a lot like you, you know."
-
11:10 - 11:11(Laughter)
-
11:11 - 11:16And I thought, yeah, he is a lot like me,
-
11:16 - 11:20both of us determined
to find the narrow path -
11:20 - 11:24and follow it through
the long, dark night, -
11:24 - 11:27all the way to the light of dawn.
-
11:28 - 11:30JW: Have you ever noticed
that a child who is secure, -
11:30 - 11:31a child who knows love,
-
11:32 - 11:33that child will dance?
-
11:34 - 11:36They wave their arms,
-
11:36 - 11:38they kick their legs to music
that only they can hear. -
11:38 - 11:42It's the music of a child
who is safe and unharmed -
11:42 - 11:45and wholly loved.
-
11:45 - 11:48The day after my children
met their GrandPaula, -
11:48 - 11:49she took them to go get doughnuts,
-
11:49 - 11:52and I watched as they walked
down the street, -
11:52 - 11:53and my girls took my father's arms,
-
11:53 - 11:55and they danced.
-
11:56 - 11:58My father's arms swung wildly.
-
11:59 - 12:02You bought them one too many doughnuts,
because you always do -- -
12:02 - 12:03(Laughter)
-
12:03 - 12:06I watched my older daughter
take a bite of her doughnut, -
12:06 - 12:08and she unleashed two jumps and a twirl.
-
12:08 - 12:10It was perfect.
-
12:11 - 12:12That narrow path,
-
12:12 - 12:15it always has its share
of burdens and challenges. -
12:16 - 12:20But I was certain that we were going
to see this through to redemption. -
12:21 - 12:22I looked at my dad
-
12:22 - 12:26and I looked at my girls who were dancing
and eating their doughnuts, -
12:26 - 12:28and I said aloud to no one in particular,
-
12:28 - 12:30I said, "This ...
-
12:31 - 12:33this is how God sees my dad."
-
12:34 - 12:36My father was literally born again.
-
12:37 - 12:40And by choosing the narrow
path of redemption, -
12:40 - 12:42I was born again with her.
-
12:42 - 12:43Thank you.
-
12:44 - 12:51(Applause and cheers)
- Title:
- The story of a parent's transition and a son's redemption
- Speaker:
- Paula Stone Williams and Jonathan Williams
- Description:
-
Paula Stone Williams knew from a young age that she was transgender. But as she became a parent and prominent evangelical pastor, she feared that coming out would mean losing everything. In this moving, deeply personal talk, Paula and her son Jonathan Williams share what Paula's transition meant for their family -- and reflect on their path to redemption. As Jonathan says: "I cannot ask my father to be anything other than her true self."
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 13:12
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for The story of a parent's transition and a son's redemption | ||
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for The story of a parent's transition and a son's redemption | ||
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for The story of a parent's transition and a son's redemption | ||
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for The story of a parent's transition and a son's redemption | ||
Camille Martínez accepted English subtitles for The story of a parent's transition and a son's redemption | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for The story of a parent's transition and a son's redemption | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for The story of a parent's transition and a son's redemption | ||
Leslie Gauthier edited English subtitles for The story of a parent's transition and a son's redemption |