-
There's an African proverb that goes,
-
"The lion's story will never be known
-
as long as the hunter
is the one to tell it."
-
More than a racial conversation,
we need a racial literacy
-
to decode the politics
of racial threat in America.
-
Key to this literacy is a forgotten truth,
-
that the more we understand
-
that our cultural differences
represent the power
-
to heal the centuries
-
of racial discrimination,
-
dehumanization and illness.
-
Both of my parents were African-American.
-
My father was born in Southern Delaware,
-
my mother, North Philadelphia,
-
and these two places are as different
from each other as east is from west,
-
as New York City is
from Montgomery, Alabama.
-
My father's way of dealing
with racial conflict
-
was to have my brother Bryan,
my sister Christy and I in church
-
what seemed like 24 hours a day,
seven days a week.
-
(Laughter)
-
If anybody bothered us
because of the color of our skin,
-
he believed that you should pray for them,
-
knowing that God
would get them back in the end.
-
(Laughter)
-
You could say that his racial-coping
approach was spiritual --
-
for later on, one day,
-
like Martin Luther King.
-
My mother's coping approach
was a little different.
-
She was, uh, you could say,
more relational --
-
right now, like, in your face,
-
right now.
-
More like Malcolm X.
-
(Laughter)
-
She was raised from neighborhoods
-
in which there was racial
violence and segregation,
-
where she was chased out of neighborhoods,
-
and she exacted violence
to chase others out of hers.
-
When she came to Southern Delaware,
-
she thought she had come
to a foreign country.
-
She didn't understand anybody,
-
particularly the few black and brown folks
-
who were physically deferential
and verbally deferential
-
in the presence of whites.
-
Not my mother.
-
When she wanted to go
somewhere, she walked.
-
She didn't care what you thought.
-
And she pissed a lot of people off
with her cultural style.
-
Before we get into the supermarket,
-
she would give us the talk:
-
"Don't ask for nothin',
-
don't touch nothin'.
-
Do you understand what I'm saying to you?
-
I don't care if all the other children
are climbing the walls.
-
They're not my children.
-
Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"
-
In three-part harmony:
-
"Yes, Mom."
-
Before we'd get into the supermarket,
-
that talk was all we needed.
-
Now, how many of you ever got that talk?
-
How many of you ever give that talk?
-
(Laughter)
-
How many of you ever give that talk today?
-
My mother didn't give us the talk
because she was worried about money
-
or reputation
-
or us misbehaving.
-
We never misbehaved.
-
We were too scared.
-
We were in church 24 hours a day,
-
seven days a week.
-
(Laughter)
-
She gave us that talk to remind us
-
that some people in the world
would interpret us as misbehaving
-
just by being black.
-
Not every parent has to worry
about their children being misjudged
-
because of the color of their skin,
-
just by breathing.
-
So we get into the supermarket,
-
and people look at us --
-
stare at us as if we just stole something.
-
Every now and then, a salesperson
would do something or say something
-
because they were pissed
with our cultural style,
-
and it would usually happen
at the conveyor belt.
-
And the worst thing they could do
was to throw our food into the bag.
-
And when that happened, it was on.
-
(Laughter)
-
My mother began
to tell them who they were,
-
who their family was,
-
where to go,
-
how fast to get there.
-
(Laughter)
-
If you haven't been cursed out
by my mother, you haven't lived.
-
(Laughter)
-
The person would be on the floor,
-
writhing in utter decay and decomposition,
-
whimpering in a pool of racial shame.
-
(Laughter)
-
Now, both my parents were Christians.
-
The difference is my father prayed
before a racial conflict
-
and my mother prayed after.
-
(Laughter)
-
There is a time, if you use
both of their strategies,
-
if you use them in the right time
and the right way.
-
But it's never a time --
-
there's a time for conciliation,
-
there's a time for confrontation,
-
but it's never a time to freeze up
like a deer in the headlights,
-
and it's never a time to lash out
in heedless, thoughtless anger.
-
The lesson in this is
-
that when it comes to race relations,
-
sometimes, we've got to know how to pray,
-
think through, process, prepare.
-
And other times,
we've got to know how to push,
-
how to do something.
-
And I'm afraid that neither
of these two skills --
-
preparing,
-
pushing --
-
are prevalent in our society today.
-
If you look at the neuroscience research
-
which says that when
we are racially threatened,
-
our brains go on lockdown,
-
and we dehumanize black and brown people.
-
Our brains imagine that children
and adults are older than they really are,
-
larger than they really are
-
and closer than they really are.
-
When we're at our worst,
we convince ourselves
-
that they don't deserve
affection or protection.
-
At the Racial Empowerment Collaborative,
-
we know that some of the scariest
moments are racial encounters,
-
some of the scariest moments
that people will ever face.
-
If you look at the police encounters
that have led to some wrongful deaths
-
of mostly Native Americans
and African-Americans in this country,
-
they've lasted about two minutes.
-
Within 60 seconds,
-
our brains go on lockdown.
-
And when we're unprepared,
-
we overreact.
-
At best, we shut down.
-
At worst, we shoot first
and ask no questions.
-
Imagine if we could reduce
the intensity of threat
-
within those 60 seconds
-
and keep our brains
from going on lockdown.
-
Imagine how many children
would get to come home from school
-
or 7-Eleven
-
without getting expelled or shot.
-
Imagine how many mothers
and fathers wouldn't have to cry.
-
Racial socialization can help young people
negotiate 60-second encounters,
-
but it's going to take more than a chat.
-
It requires a racial literacy.
-
Now, how do parents
have these conversations,
-
and what is a racial literacy?
-
Thank you for asking.
-
(Laughter)
-
A racial literacy involves
the ability to read,
-
recast and resolve
a racially stressful encounter.
-
Reading involves recognizing
when a racial moment happens
-
and noticing our stress reactions to it.
-
Recasting involves
-
taking mindfulness and reducing
my tsunami interpretation of this moment
-
and reducing it
to a mountain-climbing experience,
-
one that is --
-
from impossible situation
to one that is much more doable
-
and challenging.
-
Resolving a racially stressful
encounter involves
-
being able to make a healthy decision
-
that is not an underreaction,
where I pretend, "That didn't bother me,"
-
or an overreaction,
where I exaggerate the moment.
-
Now, we can teach parents and children
how to read, recast and resolve
-
using a mindfulness strategy
we call: "Calculate, locate, communicate,
-
breathe and exhale."
-
Stay with me.
-
"Calculate" asks,
-
"What feeling am I having right now,
-
and how intense is it
on a scale of one to 10?"
-
"Locate" asks, "Where
in my body do I feel it?"
-
And be specific,
-
like the Native American girl at a Chicago
fifth-grade school said to me,
-
"I feel angry at a nine
because I'm the only Native American.
-
And I can feel it in my stomach,
-
like a bunch of butterflies
are fighting with each other,
-
so much so that they fly up
into my throat and choke me."
-
The more detailed you can be,
-
the easier it is to reduce that spot.
-
"Communicate" asks,
-
"What self-talk and what images
are coming in my mind?"
-
And if you really want help,
try breathing in
-
and exhaling slowly.
-
With the help of my many colleagues
at the Racial Empowerment Collaborative,
-
we use in-the-moment stress-reduction
-
in several research and therapy projects.
-
One project is where we use basketball
to help youth manage their emotions
-
during 60-second eruptions on the court.
-
Another project, with the help
of my colleagues Loretta and John Jemmott,
-
we leverage the cultural style
of African-American barbershops,
-
where we train black barbers
to be health educators in two areas:
-
one, to safely reduce the sexual risk
in their partner relationships;
-
and the other,
-
to stop retaliation violence.
-
The cool part is the barbers use
their cultural style
-
to deliver this health education
to 18- to 24-year-old men
-
while they're cutting their hair.
-
Another project is where we teach teachers
-
how to read, recast and resolve
stressful moments in the classroom.
-
And a final project, in which we teach
parents and their children separately
-
to understand their racial traumas
-
before we bring them together
to problem-solve daily microaggressions.
-
Now, racially literate conversations
with our children can be healing,
-
but it takes practice.
-
And I know some of you
are saying, "Practice?
-
Practice?
-
We're talking about practice?"
-
Yes, we are talking about practice.
-
I have two sons.
-
My oldest, Bryan, is 26,
-
and my youngest, Julian, is 12.
-
And we do not have time
to talk about how that happened.
-
(Laughter)
-
But,
-
when I think of them,
-
they are still babies to me,
-
and I worry every day
that the world will misjudge them.
-
In August of 2013,
-
Julian, who was eight at the time,
and I were folding laundry,
-
which in and of itself
is such a rare occurrence,
-
I should have known something
strange was going to happen.
-
On the TV were Trayvon Martin's parents,
-
and they were crying
-
because of the acquittal
of George Zimmerman.
-
And Julian was glued to the TV.
-
He had a thousand questions,
and I was not prepared.
-
He wanted to know why:
-
Why would a grown man stalk
and hunt down and kill
-
an unarmed 17-year-old boy?
-
And I did not know what to say.
-
The best thing that could
come out of my mouth was,
-
"Julian, sometimes in this world,
there are people
-
who look down on black and brown people
-
and do not treat them --
and children, too --
-
do not treat them as human."
-
He interpreted the whole situation as sad.
-
(Voice-over) Julian Stevenson: That's sad.
-
"We don't care. You're not our kind."
-
HS: Yes.
-
JS: It's like, "We're better than you."
-
HS: Yes.
-
JS: "And there's nothing
you can do about that.
-
And if you scare me,
or something like that,
-
I will shoot you
because I'm scared of you."
-
HS: Exactly.
-
But if somebody's stalking you --
-
JS: It's not the same for everyone else.
-
HS: It's not always the same, no.
You've got to be careful.
-
JS: Yeah, because people
can disrespect you.
-
HS: Exactly.
-
JS: And think that you're,
-
"You don't look --
you don't look like you're ..."
-
It's like they're saying
that "You don't look right,
-
so I guess I have the right
to disrespect you."
-
HS: Yeah, and that's what we call,
-
we call that racism.
-
And we call that racism, Julian,
-
and yes, some people -- other
people -- can wear a hoodie,
-
and nothing happens to them.
-
But you and Trayvon might,
-
and that's why Daddy wants you to be safe.
-
(Voice-over) HS: And that's why --
-
JS: So you mean like,
when you said "other people,"
-
you mean, like if Trayvon was a white,
-
um, that he wouldn't be
disrespected like that?
-
HS: Yes, Julian, Daddy meant white people
-
when I said, "other people," all right?
-
So there was a way in which
I was so awkward in the beginning,
-
but once I started getting
my rhythm and my groove,
-
I started talking about stereotypes
and issues of discrimination,
-
and just when I was getting my groove on,
-
Julian interrupted me.
-
(Voice-over) HS: ... dangerous,
or you're a criminal because you're black,
-
and you're a child or a boy --
-
That is wrong,
it doesn't matter who does it.
-
JS: Dad, I need to stop you there.
-
HS: What?
-
JS: Remember when we were ...
-
HS: So he interrupts me to tell me a story
-
about when he was racially threatened
at a swimming pool with a friend
-
by two grown white men,
-
which his mother confirmed.
-
And I felt happy
that he was able to talk about it;
-
it felt like he was getting it.
-
We moved from the sadness
of Trayvon's parents
-
and started talking about
George Zimmerman's parents,
-
which, I read in a magazine,
-
condoned the stalking of Trayvon.
-
And Julian's reaction to me was priceless.
-
It made me feel like he was getting it.
-
(Voice-over) JS: What did
they say about him?
-
HS: Well, I think they basically
felt that he was justified
-
to follow and stalk --
-
JS: What the -- ?
-
HS: Yeah, I think that's wrong.
-
JS: That's -- one minute.
-
So they're saying he has the right
to follow a black kid,
-
get in a fight with him and shoot him?
-
HS: As Julian was getting it,
-
I started to lose it.
-
Because in my mind's eye, I was thinking:
-
What if my Julian or Bryan was Trayvon?
-
I calculated my anger at a 10.
-
I found, located, my right
leg was shaking uncontrollably
-
like I was running.
-
And in my mind's eye,
I could see somebody chasing Julian,
-
and I was chasing them.
-
And the only thing
that could come out of my mouth
-
was if anybody tries
to bother my child ...
-
(Voice-over) HS: If anybody tries
to bother my child ...
-
mmm, mmm, mmm.
-
JS: What will happen?
-
HS: Well, they better run.
-
JS: Because what?
HS: I'm gonna get 'em.
-
JS: See? (Laughs)
-
HS: I'm gonna get 'em.
JS: Really?
-
HS: Oh, yeah.
-
JS: Then they're gonna get you
because they might have weapons.
-
HS: Well, you know what, I'm gonna
call police, too, like I should.
-
But I feel like I wanna get 'em.
-
But you can't; you're right,
you can't just go chasing people.
-
JS: They can be armed.
-
HS: Yeah, you right. Yeah, you right.
-
I feel like I wanna chase 'em.
-
JS: Plus they could be
an army or something.
-
HS: I know -- I feel like I wanna
go get 'em, messing with my son.
-
I don't like that.
-
JS: Um ...
-
HS: But you right. You gotta be careful.
-
And um, you gotta be careful.
-
You never know what some crazy people
will think about you.
-
Just as long as you believe
you're beautiful
-
like Daddy believes
you're beautiful and handsome,
-
and Mommy believes you're beautiful
and handsome and smart.
-
And you deserve to be on this planet,
-
just as happy and beautiful
and smart as you want to be.
-
You can do anything you want, baby.
-
HS: Racial socialization is not just
what parents teach their children.
-
It's also how children respond
to what their parents teach.
-
Is my child prepared?
-
Can they recognize when a racial elephant
shows up in a room?
-
Can they reduce
their tsunami interpretation
-
down to a mountain-climbing adventure
-
that they can engage and not run away?
-
Can they make a healthy
and just decision in 60 seconds?
-
Can I?
-
Can you?
-
Yes, we can.
-
We can build healthier
relationships around race
-
if we learn to calculate, locate
communicate, breathe and exhale
-
in the middle of our most
threatening moments,
-
when we come face-to-face
with our lesser selves.
-
If you take the centuries of racial rage
-
that boils up in all of our bodies,
minds and souls --
-
and anything that affects our bodies,
minds and souls affects our health --
-
we could probably use
gun control for our hearts.
-
I just want what all parents
want for their children
-
when we're not around:
-
affection and protection.
-
When police and teachers see my children,
-
I want them to imagine their own,
-
because I believe if you see
our children as your children,
-
you won't shoot them.
-
With racial literacy, and yes, practice,
-
we can decode the racial trauma
from our stories,
-
and our healing will come in the telling.
-
But we must never forget
-
that our cultural differences
are full of affection and protection,
-
and remember always
that the lion's story will never be known
-
as long as the hunter
is the one to tell it.
-
Thank you very much.
-
(Applause)