How to tell if someone truly loves you | Femi Ogunjinmi | TEDxXavierUniversity

Is proclaiming your love for someone truly enough? Femi Ogunjinmi brings to light what fully constitutes an enduring, fulfilling relationship through his engaging experiences. Femi Ogunjinmi, mostly known as Gfem is a certified life coach, international relationship coach, award winning motivational speaker, and a radio talk show host who has been improving the lives of singles and couples for over ten years. He has authored two edition books titled, "Revelations of Relationship: What you don't know about finding true love and sustaining relationship." Femi earned his Bachelor of Science degree in Biology from Morgan State University and a Master’s Degree in Business Administration from Benedictine University with a Certificate in Financial Management.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but is independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

By show of hands,

How many of you have ever
gotten in a relationship

because you felt that you were in love?

Very good!

How many have ever broken up
and said to the person,

"You don't deserve me."

Ah-ha!

"As a matter of fact,

I don't even know how I fell in love
with you in the first place."

Oh, I know.

You were drunk in love, right?

In my line of field,
as a relationship coach,

clients come to me
with their love problems.

One client wants me
to evaluate her relationship.

She's been with her boyfriend
for over four years.

There is no promise ring,
no engagement ring,

no conversation about wedding.

And on top of it,

he is cheating on her.

She wants to know

if she should continue
with the relationship

or kick the guy to the curb.

So, I ask her, "How many times
has he cheated on you?"

She says, "At least four times."

When a lady says "at least four times,"

multiply that by two.

It's eight times.

"Do you love him?"

"Yes," she replies.

"Does he love you?"

"He says he does,

but his action does not show it."

"What action specifically?"

"The cheating."

"If you loved someone,

would you cheat on them?

If you truly loved someone,

would you cheat on them

at least four times

multiplied by two?"

She says, "No."

Well, if your answer is "no,"
then you know what to do.

True love that is not
backed up by the right action

is not true love.

Another client says

he is happy in his relationship,

he loves his girl,

but he is cheating on the side
with a married woman,

and they are both in love together.

And he does not know
how he got himself in this situation.

I say, "You know how
you got yourself in this mess.

You shifted your focus
from your girl to someone else.

You divided your
attention and your emotions.

Someone who used to hold
the first priority on your heart

no longer holds that position.

That's how you got yourself in this mess.

So what do you want to do?"

He says he would like the married woman
to be able to manage the situation.

"What do you mean by this?"

Well, every time the woman
is with her husband,

she always thinks about him,

and he does not want
the husband to get suspicious

so that he does not stop the affair.

I'm like, "Wait a minute!

So you want to continue having
this affair with this woman?"

He says, "Yes."

I say, "Really?

How would your girlfriend
feel about this?

Put yourself in her shoes.

You have a boyfriend who says
he is happy with you,

he is in love with you,

but at the same time,

he is cheating with someone else
that he is falling in love with.

Can you actually love two people
at the same time?"

He says,

"I don't want any changes.

I just want the situation
to remain the same.

I want to keep both women in my life."

I say, "Wow!

You are just like McDonald's slogan:

you are lovin' it.

Aren't you?"

Love is powerful.

According to a survey,

about 9 out of 10 Americans

cited love as an important
factor to get married.

Past statistics show
that 50% of first marriages,

67% of second marriages

and a stagering high
of 73% of third marriages

end in divorce.

The question is,

If love is an important factor

that influences people to get married,

how come it does not hold the marriage?

How come it does not hold
the relationship together?

When we examine love in a break up,

I believe one of three
things has happened.

It's either: one,

there was no love at the beginning
of the relationship to start with;

two,

there was something bigger than the love
that broke the relationship;

or three,

the love declined.

I can understand when you feel
like your love is depreciating

and you tell your partner,
"I just don't love you right now,"

especially, when you are
having a meal together

and your partner becomes
inquisitive to ask why

because he just ate
the last piece of the pie -

"If you loved me,
you would let me have it."

That's what you say. Right, ladies?

At the same token,

I believe there is nothing
bigger than love

that can break a relationship -

absolutely nothing -

if the couple truly loves each other.

And that is what I want
to talk to you about today:

true love.

There are different types
of love out there.

You have the philia love,

which is brotherly love.

It is what you share with your family,
friends or colleagues.

Another one is eros.

It is a sexual type of love.

It gives the feelings of arousal.

This is what you feel

when you see a beautiful
sexy person just walking past,

and you are like,
"Oh, oh ma ma ma ma ma."

You cannot stop looking at them.

You cannot hold yourself together.

You begin to fantasise and have all kinds
of imagination about that person.

You are having eros type of love.

The next one is what
Mary J. Blige calls "real love."

You all know the song! "Real love,
oh I’m searching for a real love,

someone to make
my heart feel real love."

And we are still trying to understand
what she meant by "real love."

You see, all these types of love
cannot sustain a relationship.

They cannot hold a relationship together.

But true love,

which the Bible also
describes as agape love,

can hold a relationship together,

can keep a relationship for a long haul.

What is true love?

True love is passionate love.

You have two independent words,
passion and love,

fused together to make
a strong definition.

Passion is the force that drives
the love for something;

it is the flow that keeps love going.

Love without passion is
like a body without a soul.

It is like a car without an engine.

No movement would happen.

And just in case you are wondering

how you can tell
if someone truly loves you

or if you truly love someone:

sacrifice.

Sacrifice for one another would indicate
if you truly loved each other.

And sacrifice is giving up something

for another thing
that is far more important.

Just like giving up that piece of pie
for your girl that is far more important.

Or it is the release
of something in your possession

in an exchange for another
thing that you love.

This is exactly what God did

when he released and sacrificed
his only son, Jesus,

just to have us.

"For God so loved the world
that He gave His only begotten Son,

that whoever believes in Him will not
perish but have everlasting life."

God demostrated true love -

agape love.

Love filled with passion and sacrifice.

I had an opportunity
to demonstrate my true love.

I was in college,

I enjoyed galvanizing
people for networking,

and I did this by throwing parties.

And if you know one thing
about throwing parties,

the more women you have there,
the more men want to come in,

spend money at the bar,
buy drinks, buy bottles.

So my goal, every time,
is to have as many ladies at the party.

This, however, opens the door
to always have women around me.

I remember after throwing a party,

three women that do not know each other

say they want to spend
the night at my house.

They wake up in the morning,

one begins to feed me breakfast.

The second one gets jealous.

She goes into the kitchen. Grabs food.
Comes back. She starts to feed me.

The third one looking like,
"This is crazy.

Should I join the party or what?"

I am thinking to myself,
"It's all a dream."

But no, it's a reality.

I'm like Hugh Hefner
up in my house with the bunnies.

But that reality was short-lived,

as I meet a girl
that I am truly in love with,

and she is truly
in love with me as well.

But she does not like
the lifestyle that I am living.

She does not want to compete
with any other woman.

This is a deal breaker for her,

and, of course, it is
an odd situation for me

because that means that I am going to have
to give up throwing parties

and spending time with other women

so that I can have and keep her.

So I begin to analyse the situation.

What am I going to do?

Who or what should I pick?

Her over them or them over her?

This is my kairos moment.

My moment of decision.

This is where true love
and sacrifice come into play.

So I made a decision and a sacrifice

to give up both throwing parties
and spending time with other women

so that I can have and keep this girl
that I am truly in love with.

A few years later,

we got married and we have two beautiful
amazing children together.

You see, true love
is the only type of love

that can keep and sustain a relationship.

It will help you to make
the ultimate sacrifice,

to give up playing games,
quit destructive habits

and seek counselling when you can
to acquire tools and knowledge

in order for you to have
a healthy relationship.

Because of the love problems
that people are having

is the reason why I wrote my book,

"Revelations of Relationship -

What you don't know about finding true
love and sustaining relationship."

I want to admonish you all

to find and practice true love
in your relationship.

Cheers to your improvement.

(Applause)