Lego Darth Vader Canteen Incident - English captions

English captioned version. Credit to Legendado for original clip.

[Eddie Izzard] So there must have been a Death Star canteen yeah?

There must have been a cafeteria downstairs

In between battles where Darth Vader goes to chill.

[Eddie as Darth Vader:] I will have the Penne ala ???

[audience laughs]

[Eddie as canteen server:] You'll need a tray.

[Darth Vader:] Do you know who I am?

[Canteen server:] Do you know who I am?

[audience laughter]

[Darth Vader:] This is not a game of who the fuck are you.

I am Vader. Darth Vader. Lord Vader.

I could kill you with a single thought.

[Canteen server:] Well you'll still need a tray.

[Darth Vader:] No. I do not need a tray to kill you.

I could kill you without a tray

with the power of the Force

which is strong within me.

Even though I could kill you with a tray

if I so wished!

For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit

until the blood flowed across the canteen floor.

[Canteen Server:] No the food is hot.

You'll need a tray to put the food on.

[Darth Vader:] Oh I see, the food is hot.

I'm sorry I did not realise.

[audience applaud, Eddie chuckles]

I thought you were challenging me to a fight to the death!

[Canteen server:] Fight to the death? This is canteen. I work here.

[Darth Vader:] Yes but I am Vader. I am Lord Vader.

Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death.

Lord Va - Darth Vader? I am Darth Vader. Lord - Mr Lord Vader?

The Lord Darth Vader? Lord Darth -

The Lord Vader Extreme? Lord Barron Lord Vaderham?

The Death Star? I run the Death Star.

[Canteen Server:] What's the Death Star?

[Darth Vader:] This is the Death Star! You're in the Death Star!

I run this star.

[Canteen Server:] This is a star?

[Darth Vader:] This is a fucking star! I run it!

I'm your boss!

[Canteen Server:] You're Mr Stevens?

[audience laugh]

[Darth Vader:] No. Who is Mr Stevens?

[Canteen Server:] He's Head of Catering.

[Darth Vader:] I am not Head of Catering!

I am Vader. I could kill Catering with a thought.

I could kill you all. I could kill me with a thought. Just -

I'll get a tray. Fuck it.

[audience laugh]

This one's wet. And this one's wet. And this one's wet.

This one is wet. This one is wet.

????? why

with the power of the Death Star do we not have a tray

that is fucking dry?

No no no. I was here first.

[Jar Jar Binks:] ?????

Ah can I have a penne ???? that'd be very nice.

[Darth Vader:] No no. Do you know who I am?

[Canteen Server:] That's Jeff Vader that is.

[Darth Vader:] I'm not Jeff Vader, I'm Darth Vader.

[Jar Jar Binks:] What Jeff Vader who runs the Death Star?

[Darth Vader:] No Jeff - No I run the Death Star.

[Jar Jar Binks:] Who Jeff Vader?

[Darth Vader:] Darth - Darth Vader!

[Jar Jar Binks:] Are you his brother? Can you get his autograph?

[Darth Vader:] I can't get it - no I'm Jeff. I am Jeff Vader. I'm Jeff Vader!

[Jar Jar Binks:] Can I have your autograph?

[Darth Vader:] No Fuck Off!

I'll kil you with a tray!

Get me penne ??? or you shall die. And you. And everyone in this canteen!

Death by tray it shall be!