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Cynicism Decoded (How Cynicism Helps You and Hurts You)

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    ~
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    We all know a person,
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    maybe that person is you,
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    who opposes, denies and doubts.
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    Who has no faith in human goodness,
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    who is so pessimistic and so skeptical
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    that it seems like they
    either have no belief in
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    or maybe even an animosity towards
    or contempt for pleasure,
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    hope,
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    faith and positivity.
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    Society calls this a cynic.
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    I'm not here today to sell you
    on the concept of positivity.
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    It's a really outdated concept.
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    Especially just fighting against
    pessimism with optimism.
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    What i'm here to do today
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    is to make the argument that
    cynicism is not a character trait.
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    It's a coping mechanism.
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    To cope is to make a specific alteration
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    mentally, emotionally or physically
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    so that you can manage or adapt
    to something that's causing you stress.
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    A coping mechanism is a specific
    procedure, process or technique
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    which manages or creates
    adaptation to stress.
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    And therefore it is
    the opposite of change.
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    Because it is to adapt to a stressor,
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    rather than to change a situation
    so that there is no longer a stressor.
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    To understand this more in depth,
    watch my video titled:
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    How to Let Go of A Coping Mechanism
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    Cynicism is a coping mechanism
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    that most likely saved your life
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    at one time.
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    It's also a coping mechanism
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    that can destroy your life.
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    And it makes other people
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    end up in so much pain
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    that it actually creates a vicious spiral
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    of self-fulfilling prophecy.
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    To understand this pattern of cynicism,
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    we have to go back to the onset
    of this coping mechanism
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    to begin with.
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    Because people are not born
    cynics and skeptics.
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    When was the last time you met
    a cynical or skeptical, baby?
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    If you are cynical
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    at some point in your life or many,
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    most likely many,
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    you experienced catastrophic letdown.
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    Catastrophic sudden shocks
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    or disappointments relative
    to the positive elements of your life.
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    For example, a situation or many
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    that caused a catastrophic
    blow to your belief in others,
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    hopes, dreams, goals, trust,
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    faith, desires or expectations.
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    This experience was so psychologically,
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    so emotionally
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    and maybe even so physically
    traumatizing to you,
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    that you decided
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    that at all costs you had to avoid
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    the vulnerability of positivity.
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    Essentially you got into
    that situation and decided that
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    positivity, state of positivity
    puts you in such a vulnerable state,
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    that you had to buffer yourself
    against that for all time and eternity.
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    No matter the cost.
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    As a result,
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    you started to use negativity
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    as this way of buffering yourself
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    against the vulnerability
    and the positive states.
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    But this negativity,
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    other people on the outside
    perceive to be so painful
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    that it causes them to go into defense
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    and to start to act hostile.
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    That's what defense mode does,
    causes you to be hostile, right?
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    And that hostility
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    further reinforced your belief
    that you had to buffer yourself,
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    which makes them even more hostile,
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    which reinforces your cynical behavior,
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    which makes them more hostile,
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    which reinforces your cynicism.
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    And this is the spiral
    that just keeps on going
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    and we could consider
    self-fulfilling prophecy.
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    It is ultimately your right
    to remain cynical towards the world.
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    In fact, you have every excuse to be.
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    The reality is,
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    There's no reason,
    given your life experience,
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    for you to feel optimistic.
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    There is no reason
    given your life experience
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    to be trusting.
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    So you have all the reason
    you want in the world to stay cynical.
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    that's completely your choice
    and actually your right.
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    The thing is, is that this state of being
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    may just be preventing you
    from the very life of well-being
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    that you are meant to come here to live.
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    Living in a constant state
    of pessimism and letdown
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    is not really living.
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    It's also a coping mechanism,
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    much like positive bypassing,
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    smoking, cutting, gambling or suppression.
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    For example.
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    For this reason
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    if you are interested in letting go
    of the coping mechanism of cynicism
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    I've got some suggestions.
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    #1:
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    Be brave enough to see
    what you're getting out of cynicism.
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    I don't mean this
    in this obnoxious self-help way
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    or like: "What are you getting
    out of this horrible behavior?"
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    No, I mean like really look at:
    "How does it keep you safe?"
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    How is it benefiting you?
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    Because it definitely is,
    otherwise you wouldn't be doing it.
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    Is it true that it's causing you pain?
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    Is it true is ruining your life? Yes!
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    But it's also benefiting you somehow.
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    What is that way?
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    When you feel hurt
    and afraid and disappointed
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    but you can't face
    those emotions directly,
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    you turn against the world
    and begin to push things away.
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    We use cynicism to make sure
    we never ever get our hopes up,
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    only to be let down again.
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    Essentially we disappoint ourselves
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    before the world can ever do it for us.
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    But cynicism paints the lens
    you see the world through dark
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    and it also separates you
    from genuine awareness.
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    Whenever you have an antagonistic
    perspective about something
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    that someone else feels positive about
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    or whenever you want to deny
    or doubt or feel pessimism creeping in,
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    stop caring about whether
    you're right or wrong.
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    Guess what?
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    You might be either.
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    You might be very right.
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    You also might be wrong.
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    It doesn't matter.
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    Whether you're right or wrong
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    shouldn't stop you from being able
    to step back and ask yourself:
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    "All right...
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    In this situation,
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    how is this pessimism...
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    How is my:
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    "Yeah, right, that's not going to happen"
    actually serving me?
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    What is it protecting me from?
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    How is it keeping me safe
    in this specific situation?"
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    For example,
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    let's say that you sit down
    to dinner with a friend and they're like:
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    "You know, what?
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    I feel like this next year
    is gonna be great."
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    And you can feel yourself going:
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    "This person is an optimistic idiot".
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    Notice yourself having that reaction.
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    And really think about it.
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    "All right,
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    what does believing
    that this person is an idiot
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    and believing that next year
    is going to be crappy,
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    do for me?
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    What is it preventing me
    from experiencing?
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    How is this keeping me safe?"
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    #2:
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    You're gonna have to
    see yourself as a scapegoater.
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    Now, this should be
    extremely painful for you.
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    Why? Because most people
    who turn into skeptics
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    were actually scapegoats
    in their family dynamics.
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    And you know how painful that was
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    to always be made the problem
    even when you weren't the problem.
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    Why do I say that you're a scapegoater?
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    Because instead of making the person
    who let you down the problem,
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    You made the fact that you got
    your hopes up, the problem.
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    You scapegoated positivity.
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    Many cynics do this
    scapegoating of the positive
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    so as to preserve their relationships
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    with the very people who cause
    them the trauma in the first place.
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    In other words, it isn't
    dad that's the problem,
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    it's that I got my hopes up,
    that's the problem.
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    That way I can control
    not getting hurt again.
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    Not having the solution be in dad's hands
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    and still hang out and be close to dad,
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    without there being
    a problem between us
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    and still feel a sense of belonging.
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    Moving beyond cynicism
    is about getting really real.
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    I mean deeply into reality
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    about what the real problem was and is,
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    instead of the scapegoat
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    of the hope or the faith or the optimism
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    or whatever else it is
    you've been scapegoating.
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    Getting into reality about what
    the real problem was and is
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    so that you can create
    real solutions to it.
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    So...
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    What was the real problem
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    relative to things not coming to fruition?
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    Hopes and our expectations
    not being fulfilled,
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    disappointments and negative trends.
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    You gotta do this rather than
    scapegoat the optimism,
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    scapegoat the positivity,
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    scapegoat the hope
    or the positive expectations
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    #3:
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    Recognize that you set out
    to prove everything wrong
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    so as to not feel so wrong yourself.
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    If you prove everything else wrong,
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    you're not wrong, right?
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    Many skeptics feel like in life
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    other people either made or
    tend to make everything their fault.
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    So if they prove that
    the fault lies with other things
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    and people in the external,
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    they don't have to feel
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    that deep down fear
    that everything is their fault.
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    This is the insecurity
    that you can't face.
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    Anything outside facing
    this insecurity is avoidance.
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    And this is the real reason
    why it doesn't work
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    to argue with a cynic or a skeptic.
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    And if you're a cynic or a skeptic,
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    it doesn't work for you
    to argue with people
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    and for people to argue with you.
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    Why? Because when you do this
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    it simply reinforces
    this original wound of:
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    "You're wrong!"
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    #4:
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    If you are a cynic,
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    you're going to have to accept
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    a very vulnerable truth about yourself...
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    And that truth about yourself
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    is deeply hidden
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    under all the ways
    you act towards other people.
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    I mean all the ways you act
    are basically used to disguise
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    the truth of you.
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    Which is that deep down
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    your ultimate need is kindness.
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    What you really want is kindness,
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    but you would never
    dare reveal this vulnerability
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    or set yourself up to have
    your hopes dashed again,
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    and so you would never admit to it
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    or ask for kindness directly.
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    If you're a skeptic,
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    you tend to isolate yourself.
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    You tend to push people away
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    and give the impression that you
    don't really need or want other people.
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    This isn't true.
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    As a cynic
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    you don't want to be alone
    anymore than anyone else does.
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    It's just that you associate
    people with pain.
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    You want a relationship that feels good
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    and feels like ease
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    with people who are kind and
    considerate and who really value you
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    and don't let you down.
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    Here's the thing;
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    Your cynicism which is this
    coping mechanism that you've developed,
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    it hurts other people.
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    They associate you with pain.
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    Right now to be
    in a relationship with you,
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    they have to be willing to be hurt,
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    they have to be willing to be kicked,
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    they have to be willing to be pricked.
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    You're perpetuating the very cycle
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    that hurt you in the first place.
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    So what are people going to do
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    when they're so wounded by you?
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    Because this behavior hurts people,
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    that's what it does.
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    They don't want to be around it.
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    If you want society to change,
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    you can't be sitting there
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    waiting for them to change first,
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    so that you can change.
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    If you want to have people
    in your life who are kind
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    and who are considerate,
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    and who value you
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    and who don't let you down,
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    those are going to be the qualities
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    that you've got to offer other people.
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    Currently all people feel is stupid
    and wrong and unvalued by you.
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    This means they can't
    really share themselves.
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    This means they can't
    really develop intimacy with you.
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    I want you to sit with this for a minute.
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    Sit with the truth of this
    and sit with how sucky it may be.
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    What I mean by that is:
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    Sit with the idea of:
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    "How can I make myself
    safer and more pleasant
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    for other people to be around?"
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    Ultimately, do you want
    them to feel good around you
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    or do you want them
    to feel like crap around you?
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    If you want them to
    feel like crap around you,
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    you can continue doing
    what you're doing.
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    But most likely when you sit with this
    you're going to be like:
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    "Yeah, I would like
    if people feel safe around me,
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    I would like if they feel like
    i'm kind and considerate."
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    Okay, so how might you act in a way
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    that gives them that feeling around you?
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    And also sit with
    the side of you that's like:
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    "This sucks!
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    I don't want to have to be the first
    person to give this crap to people
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    when they're not giving
    the same thing to me."
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    I want you to sit with
    your resistance to doing this.
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    And also the part that
    may be interested in doing this.
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    The thing you're going to have to swallow
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    regardless of what you do
    relative to this point,
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    is that you're going to have to accept
    that the impression you give off
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    is that you don't want and need
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    exactly what it is that you want and need.
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    And that's not a recipe for getting
    what you want and need.
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    #5:
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    Most cynics come from families
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    where there's already a problem
    with happiness to begin with,
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    regardless of what is said.
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    Now, why do I mention this?
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    Because it's quite common
    in dysfunctional families
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    for a parent to say something like:
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    "All I ever cared about
    was your happiness."
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    When in reality,
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    any time the kid got happy,
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    the parent turned it against them.
  • 12:06 - 12:08
    The parent got frustrated.
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    The parent called them selfish.
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    Whenever the kid got its hopes up,
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    the kid got shamed
    for getting its hopes up.
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    So even though the narrative
    in a household may be:
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    "I cared about your happiness",
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    really there was an in general issue
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    with positive emotional states in general.
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    If you're a cynic
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    the vulnerability of positivity
    is what you're trying to avoid.
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    For this reason,
    it's critical to understand
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    your negative association
    with positivity and happiness.
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    And see that positive emotion
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    could in and of itself
    be a trigger for you.
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    Negating anything positive
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    is how many cynics control
    their rather wounded
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    and therefore fragile emotional system
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    by maintaining a predictable feeling
    of negative or monotone
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    so as to create predictability.
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    It's a "no real dramatic ups and downs
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    if I keep myself at a predictably
    low emotional altitude" thing.
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    But this is not the life
    you came here to live.
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    It is also not a recipe for fulfillment.
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    To understand this dynamic fully,
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    watch my video titled:
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    When Happiness Is A Bad Thing
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    #6:
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    Be brave enough
    to look at the wounding
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    that is hiding underneath
    this coping mechanism.
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    This means you're going to
    have to be attuned
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    to the subtle negative
    emotional trigger you have,
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    as a result of positive things.
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    Like people telling you good news,
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    or feeling hope creep up in you
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    towards what might happen
    in this new relationship,
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    or, you know... Anything that stirs
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    any kind of positive expectation in you.
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    You can use this discomfort that arises
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    as well as any accompanying thoughts like:
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    "This person's only doing this
    for their own self gratification".
  • 13:45 - 13:49
    or: "That's never going to work out"
    or: "The world's going to shit anyways"
  • 13:49 - 13:52
    as a doorway to this original experience.
  • 13:52 - 13:53
    And this way,
  • 13:54 - 13:57
    you can create resolve
    with that original experience
  • 13:57 - 13:59
    which changes your world today.
  • 14:00 - 14:01
    To do this,
  • 14:01 - 14:03
    I want you to use
    The Completion Process
  • 14:04 - 14:06
    Doing this process will help you
    to answer the question:
  • 14:06 - 14:08
    "When did I experience a trauma
  • 14:08 - 14:10
    in which my faith in people
    or my positive goals
  • 14:10 - 14:13
    or hopes or expectations
    or faith was dashed?"
  • 14:13 - 14:15
    When did I feel totally blindsided?
  • 14:15 - 14:17
    When did I become disillusioned?
  • 14:17 - 14:20
    What painful disappointment
    was too much for me to resolve?
  • 14:20 - 14:21
    To learn how to do this process
  • 14:21 - 14:24
    you can pick up a copy
    of my book titled quite literally:
  • 14:24 - 14:25
    The Completion Process o
  • 14:25 - 14:28
    r visit:
    thecompletionprocess.com
  • 14:28 - 14:30
    And select a practitioner
    to lead you through it.
  • 14:30 - 14:32
    You can also watch my video titled:
  • 14:32 - 14:34
    How To Heal The Emotional Body
  • 14:34 - 14:38
    And because disappointment is so often
    the deep wound beneath cynicism,
  • 14:38 - 14:40
    it would benefit you
    to watch my video titled:
  • 14:40 - 14:42
    Disappointment
    (How To Get Over Disappointment)
  • 14:42 - 14:43
    as well.
  • 14:43 - 14:44
    #7:
  • 14:44 - 14:46
    Like so many of
    the best coping mechanisms,
  • 14:46 - 14:48
    by this point
  • 14:48 - 14:51
    it has wound itself
    into your self-concept
  • 14:51 - 14:54
    so as to make it a part
    of your self-esteem
  • 14:54 - 14:55
    and therefore ego.
  • 14:56 - 14:58
    Your self-esteem and self-concept
  • 14:58 - 15:00
    is dependent upon cynicism now.
  • 15:00 - 15:01
    If you're a cynic
  • 15:01 - 15:03
    you maintain the coping mechanism
  • 15:03 - 15:06
    partly because you tell yourself
    that being cynical or skeptical
  • 15:06 - 15:08
    makes you more intelligent,
  • 15:08 - 15:10
    more experienced and worldly,
  • 15:10 - 15:11
    i.e. better.
  • 15:11 - 15:14
    Your sense of superiority is derived
  • 15:14 - 15:15
    from seeing what you call
  • 15:15 - 15:17
    the harsh reality of others in the world.
  • 15:17 - 15:19
    You tend to drive self-esteem
    through how dumb
  • 15:19 - 15:21
    and innocent and naive and inexperienced
  • 15:21 - 15:24
    you think others are
    when they're positive.
  • 15:24 - 15:28
    The reality is when you experience
    this original letdown
  • 15:29 - 15:32
    you didn't just turn against
    and scapegoat positivity,
  • 15:32 - 15:34
    you also turned against yourself.
  • 15:34 - 15:36
    Instead of making the real problem,
  • 15:36 - 15:39
    the problem which was the person
    who let you down, for example,
  • 15:39 - 15:41
    you made yourself the problem.
  • 15:41 - 15:43
    "I'm such a freaking idiot
  • 15:43 - 15:45
    for getting my hopes up
    in the first place."
  • 15:45 - 15:48
    Now whenever you see anyone else
  • 15:48 - 15:50
    who mirrors that original
    way that you were
  • 15:50 - 15:52
    when you had your hopes up
    at that moment,
  • 15:52 - 15:54
    it triggers you to respond to that person
  • 15:54 - 15:56
    the same way you responded to yourself:
  • 15:56 - 15:58
    "You're a naive freaking idiot."
  • 15:58 - 16:01
    This probably means that
    some work needs to be done
  • 16:01 - 16:03
    about that little part of you
    that got its hopes up,
  • 16:03 - 16:05
    that had faith and optimism
  • 16:05 - 16:07
    and positive expectations for the future.
  • 16:08 - 16:09
    #8:
  • 16:09 - 16:11
    Start the practice of 'And Consciousness.
  • 16:11 - 16:14
    And Consciousness is by far a better idea
  • 16:14 - 16:16
    to include as your self-concept
  • 16:16 - 16:18
    or part of your self-concept,
  • 16:18 - 16:19
    than cynicism.
  • 16:19 - 16:20
    Because it's far deeper in reality.
  • 16:20 - 16:21
    In fact.
  • 16:21 - 16:25
    Reality is comprised of polarities.
  • 16:25 - 16:27
    And Consciousness is a state of mind
  • 16:27 - 16:30
    where you develop the ability
    to hold space for extremes.
  • 16:30 - 16:33
    This is an extremely important part
    of the development
  • 16:33 - 16:35
    of both mental and emotional maturity.
  • 16:36 - 16:39
    In the moment we acknowledge
    a contradictory truth or state of being
  • 16:39 - 16:41
    and expand wide enough
    to be able to hold both
  • 16:41 - 16:43
    as if holding both is okay,
  • 16:43 - 16:46
    we have disidentified
    from both extremes.
  • 16:46 - 16:48
    We've ceased to become either or
  • 16:48 - 16:51
    and instead have become
    the thing that is holding both.
  • 16:51 - 16:55
    Reality includes both
    positive and negative.
  • 16:55 - 16:57
    Both faith and doubt.
  • 16:57 - 16:59
    The most conscious person in the world
  • 16:59 - 17:02
    is not a person who uses
    one to negate the other.
  • 17:03 - 17:06
    Or who recognizes one
    and not the other.
  • 17:06 - 17:08
    It's a person who is able to hold both
  • 17:09 - 17:11
    as a picture of the reality.
  • 17:11 - 17:12
    In other words,
  • 17:12 - 17:15
    it's not any more aware of a person
  • 17:15 - 17:17
    to be only aware of the negative,
  • 17:17 - 17:21
    than it is aware of a person
    to be only aware of the positive.
  • 17:22 - 17:23
    #9:
  • 17:23 - 17:26
    If you're a cynic, you're going to
    have to swallow the fact
  • 17:26 - 17:28
    that you are relationally traumatized.
  • 17:29 - 17:31
    What is relational trauma?
  • 17:31 - 17:33
    It is trauma that occurs
    within the context
  • 17:33 - 17:35
    of interpersonal relationships.
  • 17:35 - 17:36
    And that's you.
  • 17:36 - 17:39
    Whenever trauma happens
    in interpersonal relationships
  • 17:39 - 17:42
    a person loses their
    sense of trust in others.
  • 17:42 - 17:43
    Guess what?
  • 17:43 - 17:46
    You're a deeply distrustful person
    for a very good reason
  • 17:46 - 17:49
    and anybody who tells you:
    "You just need to start trusting people"
  • 17:49 - 17:50
    is not in reality.
  • 17:50 - 17:54
    Because to just decide
    with your free will to trust someone,
  • 17:54 - 17:56
    isn't actually possible.
  • 17:56 - 17:57
    But...
  • 17:57 - 18:01
    Trust in relationships is a key
    component of relationship success
  • 18:01 - 18:03
    and also personal happiness.
  • 18:03 - 18:06
    This means it's time to master trust.
  • 18:07 - 18:09
    To understand how to do this
  • 18:10 - 18:11
    or to take your first two steps,
  • 18:11 - 18:13
    watch two of my videos.
  • 18:13 - 18:14
    The first is:
  • 18:14 - 18:17
    Trust (What is Trust & How to
    Build Trust In Relationships)
  • 18:17 - 18:18
    The second is:
  • 18:18 - 18:20
    How to Create A Safe Relationship
  • 18:20 - 18:21
    #10:
  • 18:21 - 18:22
    As a cynic
  • 18:22 - 18:24
    you are trying harder to buffer yourself
  • 18:24 - 18:25
    from suffering and pain,
  • 18:25 - 18:28
    than you are trying to really see truth
  • 18:28 - 18:30
    or see reality as it is.
  • 18:30 - 18:31
    That being said,
  • 18:31 - 18:34
    I think one of the very best
    things about you
  • 18:34 - 18:36
    is that unlike a lot of people
  • 18:36 - 18:40
    you actually genuinely
    do have a desire for reality.
  • 18:41 - 18:43
    You want to be in reality.
  • 18:44 - 18:46
    I consider this
  • 18:46 - 18:48
    a crazy awesome trait.
  • 18:48 - 18:52
    You may be currently
    leaving the picture of positivity
  • 18:52 - 18:53
    out of the picture of reality,
  • 18:54 - 18:56
    but you want reality nonetheless.
  • 18:56 - 18:58
    And you're more brave than most
  • 18:58 - 19:02
    when it comes to seeing those
    unsavory elements of reality.
  • 19:02 - 19:06
    The opposite polarity from the one
    that most people want to look at.
  • 19:06 - 19:09
    You have broken out of many
    patterns of ignorance and falsehood
  • 19:09 - 19:11
    and discovered more of what is real
  • 19:11 - 19:14
    and you have seen the genuine
    problems in this world.
  • 19:14 - 19:16
    This knowledge can give you power in fact.
  • 19:16 - 19:19
    After all, your only access
    of power is to be in reality.
  • 19:20 - 19:21
    So I want you to ask yourself:
  • 19:21 - 19:25
    What have you become
    disillusioned with and why?
  • 19:26 - 19:28
    What is that disillusionment showing you
  • 19:28 - 19:30
    that you do want?
  • 19:30 - 19:33
    And how might you take steps
  • 19:33 - 19:36
    in the direction of creating
    what you do want?
  • 19:37 - 19:39
    Once you have that answer,
    do those things.
  • 19:40 - 19:41
    For example,
  • 19:41 - 19:44
    if the issue with the world
    is that people aren't kind,
  • 19:44 - 19:46
    and if you had to be the one
    to show people by example
  • 19:46 - 19:48
    what it looked like to be kind,
  • 19:48 - 19:50
    what would you think say and do?
  • 19:50 - 19:54
    As a skeptic your negative assessments
    are a defense against suffering.
  • 19:54 - 19:57
    You are deeply afraid
    of expecting anything
  • 19:57 - 19:59
    that turns out to be less
    than what you want or expect.
  • 19:59 - 20:01
    You spend your life disappointing yourself
  • 20:01 - 20:04
    and letting yourself down
    and countering hope and faith
  • 20:04 - 20:05
    before the world can do it for you.
  • 20:05 - 20:07
    This was a brilliant strategy,
  • 20:07 - 20:08
    but all brilliant strategies
  • 20:08 - 20:11
    can wind up being
    the very thing that harms you.
  • 20:11 - 20:14
    In your case, the very thing
    committing you to a painful life.
  • 20:14 - 20:16
    I'm not here today
    to make a case for positivity.
  • 20:16 - 20:19
    I'm not here today to convince you
    that the world is good
  • 20:19 - 20:22
    or the people are good,
    because let's face it...
  • 20:22 - 20:25
    You have so much proof
    to the opposite, it's almost ridiculous.
  • 20:25 - 20:27
    What i'm here today to do
    is to make a case
  • 20:27 - 20:29
    that you're living in a coping mechanism.
  • 20:29 - 20:31
    Not in reality.
  • 20:31 - 20:34
    And it just so happens
    to be a coping mechanism
  • 20:34 - 20:38
    that is preventing you from living
    the life you actually came here to live.
  • 20:39 - 20:40
    Have a good week.
  • 20:41 - 20:42
    If you liked this video,
  • 20:42 - 20:46
    be sure to share it, like it,
    and also subscribe to my channel
  • 20:46 - 20:48
    so you can see more content like this.
  • 20:48 - 20:51
    But I want to personally thank you
    for taking the initiative
  • 20:51 - 20:54
    and having the bravery
    to step into the space of awareness
  • 20:54 - 20:58
    not only for yourself,
    but for the benefit of those around you.
  • 21:16 - 21:19
    Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte
Title:
Cynicism Decoded (How Cynicism Helps You and Hurts You)
Description:

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Video Language:
English
Duration:
21:19

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