On integrating intense personal and professional lifes to thrive | Teresa Taylor | TEDxMileHigh

Teresa Taylor describes how women have been trained to seek balance, when "integration" may be a stronger strategy for the modern world. In this informative talk, Teresa shares her experience integrating life as a mother and successful corporate executive.

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.

Thank you.

I don't believe
there can be work-life balance.

Balance is a myth.

(Laughter)

I experienced this first-hand when
my oldest son Jack was eight years old,

he said those dreaded words to me:

"Mom, why don't you come
to anything at school?"

He was right;
I was not a chaperone on the field trip,

and I was not a volunteer
in the classroom.

So I asked Jack,
"What would you like me to come to?"

and he said, "Lunch."

I thought, "I know how to schedule lunch."

(Laughter)

I put one hour on my calendar

with additional time
to drive back and forth

from downtown Denver to his school.

So the day arrived, I drove
like crazy to his school, rushed in,

got there just in time for the lunch line,

Jack waved me over
to where he was standing,

and he pointed out the food
that I should avoid

and the food that I should take.

So we filled our trays,
and we went to his assigned table.

I sat down in a little tiny chair
where my knees were now hitting my chin.

I picked up my plastic fork,
kind of moved around the chicken nuggets,

and I noticed that all the kids
at the table had their arms raised

and were wiggling their fingers

trying to get the attention
of the teacher, including my son.

I glanced at Jack's tray
and it was completely empty.

The teacher started
dismissing all the kids

and Jack said,
"Thanks Mom, see you later!"

(Laughter)

And I said, "Wait, wait,
where are you going?"

and he said, "Recess."

(Laughter)

Exactly seven minutes had gone by.

(Laughter)

So I faked a smile,
and waved, and off he went.

And then I sat in this little tiny chair,
and the tears began to roll down my eyes,

really big tears.

And I sat there for a minute,
and then I gathered myself up,

got into my car, drove back downtown,
cried the entire way during my drive,

went into my office, and experienced
for the rest of the afternoon

every emotion you can imagine:

frustration, disappointment,
anger, and guilt.

It wasn't a very good day.

And then something interesting happened
when I went home that evening:

I walked into the house,
and Jack ran over to me

and gave me a big hug,
and said, "Thanks for coming to lunch!"

He seemed very happy.

(Laughter)

He was totally satisfied
with the seven minutes.

And I realized that I had created
the unexpected expectations,

I had created the anxiety, I was the one
that created this environment.

How is it that my eight-year-old son
could live in the moment, and I couldn't?

That was the day
that I shattered the balance myth.

More and more we're expected
to do everything that's out there.

Our customers demand
that we immediately respond to an email,

our companies insist that we're available
at any moment for a meeting if they call,

and don't forget on top of that,

try and be a perfect mother,
wife, daughter, and friend.

And somehow we're supposed to
keep all of this balanced?

I never believed the hype
that women could not have

a successful career
and a successful home life.

I refused to believe that I had to choose

between being a mother
and having a career.

I wanted both, I worked really hard
for both, I deserved both,

we all deserved both.

My instincts told me
there had to be a different way;

I did not want to choose
between the two.

My answer was to shatter the balance myth
by integrating, not balancing.

I want to share with you three strategies
of how to integrate in your life.

The first is don't take the mother,
artist, or athlete

out of the career woman.

We can't be two people;
you can't be one person in one place,

and then go home
and be something completely different.

We need to be authentic
at home and the office.

If your job is something
that you really don't like,

and it really is just a job,
it's going to pull on your personal life,

and you're going to feel like
you're always out of balance.

If the place you work is something
that you're passionate about,

then it won't feel like that.

It will feel like you are
being true to yourself

and you are one person and integrating.

Integrating instead of balancing

allows us to take the best person
we are at home to the office

and the best person
we are at the office to the home.

There is nothing to balance; we just live.

Next, combine your personal
and work calendars.

For me, I had two calendars:

one for my home life
and one for my personal life

because I thought I should keep
those two worlds separate.

Well, as my job responsibilities grew
and my family grew,

this caused a lot of conflict.

So I decided to literally put
everything on one calendar.

Now, as you can imagine,
this put a shining light on the fact

that I had three items scheduled
for one hour block,

or that my family had four events
on a Wednesday night

in four different locations.

So once I got over the shock
of looking at my one calendar,

it gave me the opportunity
to look at the bigger picture

and to make conscious choices.

Now if I had two items
that were conflicting,

which is most of the time,

I could choose one and I didn't
have to think about the other.

I decided to be present on that one
and to give it all I had.

If I chose to be at a party
for my girlfriend,

rather than at a large dinner
with a large customer,

I didn't say to myself,
"I should have... I could have...

maybe I should've chosen
something different."

Once I made that choice,
I decided to stay there, to be present,

and to give it all I had.

Now I'm not saying that's always easy,
or that I was always perfect at that.

But I did attack the day
with this in mind:

one life, one calendar.

Third, now that you have
that one calendar,

you're going to have to make time
on that calendar.

How many of us have said,

"Boy, if I just had someone
to help me with the laundry,

and help me do the cooking,

and for someone to clean,
I'm sure I could figure this out."

Or how about this one:
"I just need to learn to sleep less."

(Laughter)

Well, we're not going to get more help,
and we're not going to get more time.

No one's figured out
how to make 24 hours longer

and no one's figured out how to
successfully sleep with only two hours.

But we do have opportunity
to make room on our calendar

for the things that we want to do,
for things that give us energy,

and for things that help us
get through the day.

I'm a list-maker.

I'm sure most of you are too.

My process is to have lots of things
in my head, to categorize them,

and then to make a number
of short lists instead of one long list.

The reason I like short lists
is you can cross things off rather quickly

and you can throw it away.

I also really like hitting
the 'delete' button on my computer.

It feels really good to do that.

But a list is only as good
as the things we can get done on it.

So how do we get all of those things done?

How do we prioritize that list?

Well first, begin by setting a time limit,
and then follow it.

So what I do is I have my list,
and I actually set a time,

and then I stop and walk away.

So for example, if I'm at the office
and I'm working on a presentation,

and I know I have
exactly one hour to do it,

I do the best that I can in that one hour,

and when that one hour is over,
I don't keep working to try to perfect it,

or I don't negotiate
more time with myself,

I stop and walk away,

which is really hard to do.

But it's good to teach yourself

just to stop and walk away
from the whole thing.

The same applies at home.

If I allot one hour
to wrap Christmas presents

and 45 minutes into it I realize
I am not going to get this done,

I either move to those terrific
decorative bags, or I stop

and schedule time
a completely different day.

The point is, I stop and walk away.

This also allows you to take a look
at your calendar for the last month

and ask yourself, "Did I really do
the things that I wanted to do?

Did I spend the time where I wanted to?

Did I spend my time on the things
that give me energy,

and the things that I want to accomplish?"

The world we live in
is not going to change,

but how we respond to it can.

If you have seven minutes,

are you going to choose
to agonize over balance,

or are you going to choose
to live and be present?

Our lives are not an equation
that need to be balanced.

Our lives are a series of interactions,
lessons learned, and just plain living.

I'm not saying that I have
the secret formula or a magic checklist,

but I do know that
the answers are within us.

And the most important thing

that's within us is to not let others
set expectations for you.

To set your own and to set them
the way that you want.

You have the power to do that
and you can set your own expectations.

My wish for you is that when
you have seven minutes,

just like I had with my son,
you will not search for balance.

You will choose to be present
and you will choose to live.

Thank you.

(Applause)