To raise brave girls, encourage adventure
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0:01 - 0:05When I was a kid, I was obsessed
with the Guinness Book of World Records, -
0:05 - 0:09and I really wanted
to set a world record myself. -
0:09 - 0:11But there was just one small problem:
-
0:12 - 0:14I had absolutely no talent.
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0:15 - 0:18So I decided to set
a world record in something -
0:18 - 0:21that demanded absolutely no skill at all.
-
0:22 - 0:25I decided to set a world record
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0:25 - 0:26in crawling.
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0:28 - 0:31(Laughter)
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0:31 - 0:34Now, the record at the time
was 12 and a half miles, -
0:36 - 0:39and for some reason,
this seemed totally manageable. -
0:39 - 0:41(Laughter)
-
0:43 - 0:44I recruited my friend Anne,
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0:44 - 0:48and together we decided,
we didn't even need to train. -
0:48 - 0:51(Laughter)
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0:51 - 0:53And on the day of our record attempt,
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0:53 - 0:57we put furniture pads
on the outside of our good luck jeans -
0:57 - 0:58and we set off,
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0:59 - 1:02and right away, we were in trouble,
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1:02 - 1:04because the denim was against our skin
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1:04 - 1:05and it began to chafe,
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1:06 - 1:08and soon our knees were being chewed up.
-
1:09 - 1:10Hours in,
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1:11 - 1:12it began to rain.
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1:14 - 1:16Then, Anne dropped out.
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1:17 - 1:19Then, it got dark.
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1:21 - 1:23Now, by now, my knees
were bleeding through my jeans, -
1:24 - 1:26and I was hallucinating from the cold
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1:26 - 1:28and the pain and the monotony.
-
1:28 - 1:32And to give you an idea
of the suffer-fest that I was undergoing, -
1:33 - 1:37the first lap around
the high school track took 10 minutes. -
1:38 - 1:41The last lap took almost 30.
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1:42 - 1:46After 12 hours of crawling,
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1:46 - 1:48I stopped,
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1:48 - 1:51and I had gone eight and a half miles.
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1:52 - 1:56So I was short of
the 12-and-a-half-mile record. -
1:56 - 2:00Now, for many years, I thought
this was a story of abject failure, -
2:00 - 2:03but today I see it differently,
-
2:03 - 2:05because when I was
attempting the world record, -
2:06 - 2:07I was doing three things.
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2:07 - 2:09I was getting outside my comfort zone,
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2:09 - 2:12I was calling upon my resilience,
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2:12 - 2:14and I was finding confidence in myself
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2:14 - 2:16and my own decisions.
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2:16 - 2:18I didn't know it then,
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2:18 - 2:21but those are not
the attributes of failure. -
2:21 - 2:24Those are the attributes of bravery.
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2:25 - 2:28Now, in 1989, at the age of 26,
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2:28 - 2:30I became a San Francisco firefighter,
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2:31 - 2:35and I was the 15th woman
in a department of 1,500 men. -
2:35 - 2:39(Applause)
-
2:41 - 2:43And as you can imagine, when I arrived
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2:43 - 2:46there were many doubts
about whether we could do the job. -
2:46 - 2:51So even though I was a 5'10",
150-pound collegiate rower, -
2:51 - 2:56and someone who could endure
12 hours of searing knee pain -- -
2:56 - 2:57(Laughter)
-
2:57 - 3:00I knew I still had to prove
my strength and fitness. -
3:00 - 3:02So one day a call came in for a fire,
-
3:02 - 3:04and sure enough,
when my engine group pulled up, -
3:04 - 3:08there was black smoke billowing
from a building off an alleyway. -
3:08 - 3:11And I was with a big guy named Skip,
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3:11 - 3:13and he was on the nozzle,
and I was right behind, -
3:13 - 3:15and it was a typical sort of fire.
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3:15 - 3:18It was smoky, it was hot,
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3:19 - 3:20and all of a sudden,
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3:20 - 3:22there was an explosion,
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3:22 - 3:24and Skip and I were blown backwards,
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3:24 - 3:27my mask was knocked sideways,
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3:27 - 3:29and there was this moment of confusion.
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3:29 - 3:32And then I picked myself up,
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3:32 - 3:34I groped for the nozzle,
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3:34 - 3:37and I did what a firefighter
was supposed to do: -
3:37 - 3:38I lunged forward,
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3:38 - 3:40opened up the water
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3:40 - 3:42and I tackled the fire myself.
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3:43 - 3:45The explosion had been caused
by a water heater, -
3:45 - 3:48so nobody was hurt,
and ultimately it was not a big deal, -
3:48 - 3:51but later Skip came up to me and said,
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3:51 - 3:53"Nice job, Caroline,"
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3:53 - 3:55in this surprised sort of voice.
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3:55 - 3:57(Laughter)
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3:58 - 4:01And I was confused, because
the fire hadn't been difficult physically, -
4:01 - 4:06so why was he looking at me
with something like astonishment? -
4:06 - 4:08And then it became clear:
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4:08 - 4:11Skip, who was by the way a really nice guy
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4:11 - 4:14and an excellent firefighter,
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4:14 - 4:17not only thought
that women could not be strong, -
4:17 - 4:20he thought that they
could not be brave either. -
4:21 - 4:22And he wasn't the only one.
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4:24 - 4:26Friends, acquaintances and strangers,
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4:26 - 4:28men and women throughout my career
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4:28 - 4:29ask me over and over,
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4:29 - 4:33"Caroline, all that fire, all that danger,
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4:33 - 4:35aren't you scared?"
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4:35 - 4:38Honestly, I never heard
a male firefighter asked this. -
4:39 - 4:40And I became curious.
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4:41 - 4:44Why wasn't bravery expected of women?
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4:46 - 4:48Now, the answer began to come
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4:48 - 4:49when a friend of mine lamented to me
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4:49 - 4:52that her young daughter
was a big scaredy-cat, -
4:52 - 4:54and so I began to notice,
-
4:54 - 4:56and yes, the daughter was anxious,
-
4:56 - 4:59but more than that,
the parents were anxious. -
5:00 - 5:03Most of what they said to her
when she was outside began with, -
5:03 - 5:07"Be careful," "Watch out," or "No."
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5:09 - 5:12Now, my friends were not bad parents.
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5:12 - 5:14They were just doing what most parents do,
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5:14 - 5:18which is cautioning their daughters
much more than they caution their sons. -
5:19 - 5:24There was a study involving
a playground fire pole, ironically, -
5:24 - 5:29in which researchers saw that little girls
were very likely to be warned -
5:29 - 5:32by both their moms and dads
about the fire pole's risk, -
5:32 - 5:36and if the little girls
still wanted to play on the fire pole, -
5:36 - 5:39a parent was very likely to assist her.
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5:39 - 5:41But the little boys?
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5:41 - 5:44They were encouraged
to play on the fire pole -
5:44 - 5:47despite any trepidations
that they might have, -
5:47 - 5:52and often the parents offered
guidance on how to use it on their own. -
5:53 - 5:57So what message does this send
to both boys and girls? -
5:58 - 6:02Well, that girls are fragile
and more in need of help, -
6:02 - 6:06and that boys can and should
master difficult tasks by themselves. -
6:07 - 6:09It says that girls should be fearful
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6:09 - 6:12and boys should be gutsy.
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6:13 - 6:16Now, the irony is that at this young age,
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6:16 - 6:18girls and boys are actually
very alike physically. -
6:18 - 6:21In fact, girls are often
stronger until puberty, -
6:21 - 6:22and more mature.
-
6:22 - 6:24And yet we adults act
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6:24 - 6:27as if girls are more fragile
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6:27 - 6:29and more in need of help,
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6:29 - 6:30and they can't handle as much.
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6:31 - 6:34This is the message
that we absorb as kids, -
6:34 - 6:37and this is the message
that fully permeates as we grow up. -
6:37 - 6:40We women believe it, men believe it,
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6:40 - 6:41and guess what?
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6:42 - 6:45As we become parents,
we pass it on to our children, -
6:45 - 6:46and so it goes.
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6:47 - 6:49Well, so now I had my answer.
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6:49 - 6:52This is why women, even firewomen,
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6:52 - 6:54were expected to be scared.
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6:54 - 6:57This is why women often are scared.
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6:58 - 7:01Now, I know some of you
won't believe me when I tell you this, -
7:01 - 7:04but I am not against fear.
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7:04 - 7:08I know it's an important emotion,
and it's there to keep us safe. -
7:08 - 7:11But the problem is
when fear is the primary reaction -
7:11 - 7:14that we teach and encourage in girls
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7:14 - 7:16whenever they face something
outside their comfort zone. -
7:18 - 7:20So I was a paraglider pilot
for many years -- -
7:22 - 7:24(Applause)
-
7:24 - 7:26and a paraglider is a parachute-like wing,
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7:26 - 7:30and it does fly very well,
-
7:30 - 7:33but to many people I realize
it looks just like a bedsheet -
7:33 - 7:34with strings attached.
-
7:34 - 7:36(Laughter)
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7:36 - 7:38And I spent a lot of time on mountaintops
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7:38 - 7:40inflating this bedsheet,
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7:40 - 7:41running off and flying.
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7:43 - 7:44And I know what you're thinking.
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7:44 - 7:47You're like, Caroline,
a little fear would make sense here. -
7:49 - 7:51And you're right, it does.
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7:51 - 7:53I assure you, I did feel fear.
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7:53 - 7:54But on that mountaintop,
-
7:54 - 7:57waiting for the wind
to come in just right, -
7:57 - 7:59I felt so many other things, too:
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7:59 - 8:01exhilaration, confidence.
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8:02 - 8:04I knew I was a good pilot.
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8:04 - 8:07I knew the conditions were good,
or I wouldn't be there. -
8:07 - 8:10I knew how great it was going to be
a thousand feet in the air. -
8:10 - 8:13So yes, fear was there,
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8:13 - 8:15but I would take a good hard look at it,
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8:15 - 8:18assess just how relevant it was
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8:18 - 8:20and then put it where it belonged,
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8:20 - 8:22which was more often than not
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8:22 - 8:26behind my exhilaration, my anticipation
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8:26 - 8:27and my confidence.
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8:27 - 8:29So I'm not against fear.
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8:29 - 8:32I'm just pro-bravery.
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8:35 - 8:38Now, I'm not saying
your girls must be firefighters -
8:38 - 8:40or that they should be paragliders,
-
8:40 - 8:45but I am saying that we are raising
our girls to be timid, even helpless, -
8:46 - 8:49and it begins when we caution them
against physical risk. -
8:49 - 8:52The fear we learn
and the experiences we don't -
8:52 - 8:54stay with us as we become women
-
8:54 - 8:58and morphs into all those things
that we face and try to shed: -
8:58 - 9:00our hesitation in speaking out,
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9:00 - 9:03our deference so that we can be liked
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9:03 - 9:06and our lack of confidence
in our own decisions. -
9:07 - 9:09So how do we become brave?
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9:10 - 9:12Well, here's the good news.
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9:12 - 9:14Bravery is learned,
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9:14 - 9:16and like anything learned,
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9:16 - 9:18it just needs to be practiced.
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9:18 - 9:20So first,
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9:20 - 9:21we have to take a deep breath
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9:21 - 9:23and encourage our girls
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9:23 - 9:26to skateboard, climb trees
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9:26 - 9:29and clamber around
on that playground fire pole. -
9:29 - 9:32This is what my own mother did.
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9:32 - 9:33She didn't know it then,
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9:33 - 9:36but researchers have a name for this.
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9:36 - 9:38They call it risky play,
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9:38 - 9:42and studies show that risky play
is really important for kids, all kids, -
9:42 - 9:45because it teaches hazard assessment,
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9:45 - 9:47it teaches delayed gratification,
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9:47 - 9:49it teaches resilience,
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9:49 - 9:50it teaches confidence.
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9:51 - 9:53In other words,
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9:53 - 9:56when kids get outside
and practice bravery, -
9:56 - 9:59they learn valuable life lessons.
-
10:01 - 10:05Second, we have to stop
cautioning our girls willy-nilly. -
10:05 - 10:08So notice next time you say,
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10:08 - 10:10"Watch out, you're going to get hurt,"
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10:10 - 10:12or, "Don't do that, it's dangerous."
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10:12 - 10:16And remember that often
what you're really telling her -
10:16 - 10:18is that she shouldn't be pushing herself,
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10:19 - 10:21that she's really not good enough,
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10:21 - 10:23that she should be afraid.
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10:24 - 10:26Third,
-
10:26 - 10:29we women have to start
practicing bravery, too. -
10:30 - 10:33We cannot teach our girls
until we teach ourselves. -
10:34 - 10:36So here's another thing:
-
10:36 - 10:39fear and exhilaration
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10:39 - 10:41feel very similar --
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10:42 - 10:44the shaky hands,
the heightened heart rate, -
10:44 - 10:46the nervous tension,
-
10:46 - 10:47and I'm betting that for many of you
-
10:48 - 10:50the last time you thought
you were scared out of your wits, -
10:50 - 10:53you may have been feeling
mostly exhilaration, -
10:53 - 10:55and now you've missed an opportunity.
-
10:56 - 10:57So practice.
-
10:58 - 11:01And while girls should be getting
outside to learn to be gutsy, -
11:01 - 11:07I get that adults don't want
to get on hoverboards or climb trees, -
11:07 - 11:10so we all should be practicing
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11:10 - 11:12at home, in the office
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11:12 - 11:14and even right here getting up the guts
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11:15 - 11:17to talk to someone that you really admire.
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11:18 - 11:22Finally, when your girl is, let's say,
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11:22 - 11:24on her bike on the top of the steep hill
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11:25 - 11:28that she insists
she's too scared to go down, -
11:28 - 11:30guide her to access her bravery.
-
11:31 - 11:35Ultimately, maybe that hill
really is too steep, -
11:35 - 11:39but she'll come to that conclusion
through courage, not fear. -
11:40 - 11:44Because this is not
about the steep hill in front of her. -
11:44 - 11:46This is about the life ahead of her
-
11:46 - 11:48and that she has the tools
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11:48 - 11:50to handle and assess
-
11:50 - 11:54all the dangers
that we cannot protect her from, -
11:54 - 11:57all the challenges that we won't
be there to guide her through, -
11:58 - 12:01everything that our girls here
-
12:01 - 12:02and around the world
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12:02 - 12:04face in their future.
-
12:06 - 12:07So by the way,
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12:08 - 12:11the world record for crawling today --
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12:11 - 12:14(Laughter)
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12:14 - 12:17is 35.18 miles,
-
12:19 - 12:22and I would really love
to see a girl go break that. -
12:22 - 12:28(Applause)
- Title:
- To raise brave girls, encourage adventure
- Speaker:
- Caroline Paul
- Description:
-
Gutsy girls skateboard, climb trees, clamber around, fall down, scrape their knees, get right back up -- and grow up to be brave women. Learn how to spark a little productive risk-taking and raise confident girls with stories and advice from firefighter, paraglider and all-around adventurer Caroline Paul.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 12:41
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for To raise brave girls, encourage adventure | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for To raise brave girls, encourage adventure | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz accepted English subtitles for To raise brave girls, encourage adventure | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for To raise brave girls, encourage adventure | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for To raise brave girls, encourage adventure | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for To raise brave girls, encourage adventure |