Tim Vine. One Night Stand

(organ music)

Let's hear it for my internal organs!

(laughter and applause)

This bloke said to me, he said, I'm gonna
dress up as a small island off the coast

of Italy. I said don't be sosilly.

(laughter)

I think a parachute jump is the scariest
thing that I have ever, ever refused to do.

(laughter)

Actually I did want to do a parachute jump,
and of course they attach you to the

instructor an they jump together. So I was
in this airplane and they attach me to this

bloke and we jumped out, and it was really
frightening because half way down he

said, "How long have you been an instructor?"

(laughter)

But we've all heard the theory that people
look like their pets, well tonight I'm gonna

test that theory out. You sir, have you got
a llama?

(laughter)

Just so you know, whoever sits there, I
always say: "Have you got a llama."

I just got lucky tonight.

(laughter)

So I went to BBQ and I had a sweep-steak.

(laughter)

And I met the man who invented windowsills.
What a ledge.

(laughter)

And this antique dealer came up to me,
he said, what do you think of the Chinese

Dynasty? I said, it was very badly dubbed.

(laughter)

I said I'm going to open a shop in Saudi
Arabia. He said, Dubai? I said, yes, and sell.

(laughter)

My grandfather was a very controversial
artist, he designed the lions in Trafalgar Square.

It doesn't sound very cutting-edge, but at the
time that really put the cat amongst the pigeons.

(laughter)

So I said to this New Zealand bloke, I said
that I am going to a Swedish furniture shop.

He said does it look like "I care"?

(laughter)

I said well I'm going to buy some furniture
polish. He said, pledge? I said, I give you my word.

(laughter)

Well you're probably all thinking to yourself
this is all very well but when do we get to

sing with you, Tim? Well the answer is
now, I'm actually totally deaf. I never

thought he was going to say that!

(laughter)

This song is called Subtraction, take
it away!

(laughter)

Hit the music please!

(music)

I only know the one dance.

(singing)
It's easy.

(crowd)
It's easy.

It's easy.

It's easy.

It's easy.

It's easy.

It's easy.

It's easy.

It's easy.

It's easy.

It's easy.

It's easy.

It's easy, easy, easy.

It's easy, easy, easy.

It's easy, easy, easy.

It's easy, easy, easy.

It's easy, easy, easy.

It's easy, easy, easy.

It's easy, easy, easy.

It's easy, easy, easy.

It's easy.

It's easy.

It's easy.

It's easy.

It's easy. Blimey that was hard wasn't it?

(laughter)

Bnag! That's bang out of order.

(laughter)

I don't know why I put myself through this.

(laughter)

(high-pitched voice)
Hello, my name is Bruce Willis, and I was in

a Die Hard film and used to shoot at
people and people would shoot back

at me, yes, I'm Bruce Willis, I was in
Sixth Sense, I'm a film star, I'm Bruce Willis.

(regular voice)
Sorry, I may have given you the wrong impression.

(laughter)

So I went to the binoculars shop, I'll tell
you what, they saw me coming.

(laughter)

Of course binoculars is plural, the
singular is: telescope.

(laughter)

But I love language, this bloke said to me,
does every sentence have to contain a

vegetable? I said not necessa-celary.

(laughter)

And then there's words. The word "mortar"
has two different meanings. As I discovered

when the house I built blew itself up.

(laughter)

So I went down to a local pub. Do you like
local jokes? Yeah, me too, they're right

up my street.

(laughter)

I walked in to a very drunk man slumped
in a chair. He looked at me he said, what

do you do for a living? I said I'm a comedian,
he said I admire anyone who can stand up...

(laughter)

I said, bet you can't name a single subject
I don't have a joke about. He said, beavers.

I said, damn.

(laughter)

I did a gig the other day, it went really
badly.

Cheers.

And I walked off stage all I could hear
was the sound of one person clapping.

Then I remembered I was wearing flip-flops.

(laughter)

Didn't make sense. The night before did a
gig to a whole lot of reindeers.

Slayed them!

(laughter)

That move improves the joke.

Doesn't work with all of them.

You know, the first job I had in this business
I was playing the back half of a pantomime wasp.

And I thought I was the bee's knees.

(laughter)

I got lost in the jungle. Luckily I had a
compass with me, so I was able to

draw perfect circles with a pencil.

(laughter)

A small blue garden bird made of
mahogany. Be great if I had a related

joke. Wouldn't it?

(laughter and applause)

Hit the music please!

(music)

(singing)
Waiting...

Can sometimes be...

Lots of fun!

(laughter)

But not always.
(music ends)

(laughter and applause)

This is really creepy, watch this.
(laughs)

(still laughing)

(laughter)

I have a friend who is always taking a
nipping at me for having a pay as you go

phone. He's always going: (singsong)
You got a pay as you go phone, you got

a pay as you go phone. So eventually
I took out a contract, and I had him killed.

(laughter)

So I said me and some friends have just
been talking about you. He said, you

disgust me. I said yes, we did.

(laughter)

He said, next time you're asleep I'm
gonna wake you up. I said, that's disturbing.

(laughter)

I've nearly finished filling in my CV.
I just got a little bit there.

(laughter and applause)

I think perhaps my worst invention
was this rubber band wind chime.

(laughter)

Alright, pipe down.

(laughter)

I'm going to attempt something for
you now. It's called, Pen Behind the Ear.

(cheers and applause)

Hit the music please!

(music)

(laughter)

(music increasing intensity)

(music abruptly ends)

(awws)

(laughter)

(music starts up again)

(cheers and applause)

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the other ear!

(laughter)

Ladies and gentlemen I'll leave you this,
because to be honest with you, it doesn't

belong to me, I didn't bring it with me.

(laughter)

I was standing on the beach, I walked into
the waves holding a tub of taramasalata.

Bloke said to me, what are you doing?
I said, I'm taking a dip in the sea.

(laughter)

So I was steering a yacht with my stomach
muscles. Ab sailing.

(laughter)

And this farmer came up to me, he said
I've got 68 sheep, can you round them up

for me. I said sure, 70.

(laughter and applause)

I've got to be honest with you ladies and
gentlemen, I don't think I'm going to be

doing this job much longer.

(awws)

Ok, not enough of you and too long
a pause, but um-

(laughter)

What concerns me is that one day,
I'll wind up an old man.

And he'll attack me.

(laughter)

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a
sensational audience, thanks for coming

along tonight. Good night!

(cheers and applause)