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This episode of It's the End of the World as We Know it and I Feel Fine
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was made possible by contributions from slaves like you. Spank you very much.
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Here at Exxon, we hate the world.
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We've crunched the numbers, and know the hotter the earth gets, the more money we make.
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Wind and solar? Nice try, hippie.
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Climate chaos? Not a problem... for us.
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We're designing elevated mansions, deep-water boarding schools, and dome shopping malls... on the moon.
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Wanna stop us? We'd like to see you try.
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Gooooooooooood morning slaves
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and welcome to another sedition of It's the End of the World as we Know it and I Feel Fine....
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the show that’s powered by cops' tears.
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At least 41 police officers have died, and several more have been injured.
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The border police were travelling in a bus that plunged into a ravine in north-western Argentina.
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Don't cry for me Argentina.
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I am your host the Stimulator, and if you're like me
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you've gotta be relieved that the motherfuckin' COP21 climate negotiations in Paris are finally fucking over.
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"It's about fucking time!"
"What the fuck took so long?!"
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Far from producing any meaningful action on curbing greenhouse gas emissions
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the past two weeks of marathon luncheons between climate negotiators and industry lobbyists,
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self-aggrandizing speeches from gangsta-capitalist politicians,
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and hours of mainstream media interviews with corporate environmentalists
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have only released shit-tons of more hot air into the atmosphere.
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In the end, the outcome was always a foregone fucking conclusion.
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Loads of hype and feel-good rhetoric
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culminating in a non-binding agreement,
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with billions of dollars earmarked for investment in so-called “Green Energy” technologies...
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which is essentially just a giant fucking scam to subsidize green-washed corporate giants
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from the energy and extractive industries.
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"I think we can make off-shore drilling safe."
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Climate science OG James Hansen was quick to pour some cold water
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on peeps celebrating the significance of the so-called “historic agreement”.
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"This is half-assed, and it's half baked.
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"It's half-assed because there's no way to make it global.
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"You have to beg each nation... and it's half-baked
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because there's no enforcement mechanism."
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But, as always, corporate NGOs like 350.org
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are trying to put a positive spin on things,
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to justify their strategic focus on mass climate mobilizations and lobbying,
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and to help ensure that peeps keep those monthly tax-deductible donations rolling in.
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"Uhhh... well, this didn't save the planet
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"but it may have saved the chance of saving the planet."
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350.org closed out COP21 by mobilizing their supporters
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to form a giant line of peeps holding red banners,
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meant to symbolize imaginary red lines that industry can't cross if climate change is to be averted.
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This feel-good action was no doubt intended as a face-saving measure,
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after organizers received widespread criticism for their condemnation of militants
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who bravely took to the streets on November 29th,
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in defiance of the French government's imposed state of emergency.
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After 350.org and other corporate NGOs had bowed to government pressure,
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and meekly canceled their own protests,
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they had the chutzpah to criticize those who dared to resist…
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declaring that they were, quote, “not part of the movement.”
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Well… no shit.
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Not yours, anyway.
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Woop! Woop! It's the sound of the police...
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Bonjour everyone!
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We stopped the terrorists.
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Meanwhile in Greece,
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anarchists mourned the 7th anniversary of the pigs' murder of Alexis Grigoropoulos on December 6th
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in what has become a globally anticipated tradition
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of intense fucking rioting.
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And true to form, the comrades in Greece didn't disappoint.
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Check this shit out.
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This year, these riots had a special significance
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owing to an international call to action made last month
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by two imprisoned Greek anarchists:
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Conspiracy of Cells of Fire member, Panagiotis Argirou,
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and Alexis' best friend and comrade, Nikos Romanos,
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who challenged militants to a month of increased insurrectionary attacks
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and solidarity actions with anarchist prisoners,
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to be carried out under the banner of "Black December."
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So far, this call has been answered loud and clear,
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with a wave of incendiary attacks carried out
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in Greece, Chile, Germany, Spain, Mexico and Peru,
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a flurry of solidarity statements,
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banner drops, actions and events
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taking place in countless cities around the world.
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And Black December is not over yet….
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so if you’ve missed out on the fun so far...
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what the fuck are you waiting for?
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For the past 21 years,
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big environmental groups have been jet setting all over the world,
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to try to persuade governments to make binding agreements
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to stop corporations from fuckin up the planet.
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Basically... this translates to stopping the muthafuckin oil industry.
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It’s simple math really.
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Stop Exxon from sucking oil out of the ground,
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then there’s no oil to burn,
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therefore no C02 emissions, right?
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"We'd like to see you try!"
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Every time one these aptly named COP meetings comes up,
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millions of dollars are spent to fly, lodge, and feed
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high profile NGO superstars and their entourages.
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"They're the physical embodiment of everything that's wrong
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"culturally, and politically with this world. You know?
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"Maybe they'll see something other than the Mona Lisa.
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"They'll get involved with a riot or something....
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"jog their political consciousness a little bit."
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Not to mention the broke ass peeps
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who save their hard earned slave wages
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because they got suckered by a Greenpeace ad
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telling them to go to this year's massive circle jerk.
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"I'd like to speak about a special day
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"during my recent trip to Paris.
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"All my life, I've dreamed of going there.
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"That's why I studied French.
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"And attended adult classes for two years."
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Not to be a total hater....
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I have to say that these have been impressive mobilizations
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with beautifully crafted banners
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and loads of creative actions
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that have caused such beautiful trouble.
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"Peru says the activists associated with Green Peace
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"damaged the world-renowned Nazca Lines
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"during a publicity stunt."
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And the results have been outstanding!
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For the past 21 years the COP moblizations have cost the oil industry...
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drum roll please....
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Muthafuckin FUCK ALL!
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"Nice try hippy."
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This year,
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while NGO sellouts were munching on croissants
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and jerking each other off in Paris,
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peeps in so-called Quebec got up really fuckin early,
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went to an Embridge pipeline valve site
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and with 47 turns,
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shut down the flow of muthafuckin Tar Sands oil
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to the entire eastern seaboard of North America
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"Shit it's going hard."
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After that,
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these astute petrol saboteurs
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chained themselves to the valve and the gate
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with bycicle locks.
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"These are U-Locks.
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"Kryptonite, high-quality bike locks.
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"They are made with metal
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"and heavy-duty glue, and other things
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"that would make it very difficult,
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"or next to impossible to cut.
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"So we're here until here we choose to - of our own volition - leave."
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They managed to stop the flow of dirty Alberta crude
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for ten fuckin hours
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costing the company upwards of 5 million bucks!
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Now I don’t want to treat y’all like a bunch of dumbasses,
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but let’s just do some rough calculations, shall we?
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A round trip ticket to Paris from the United Snakes is about a grand.
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A hotel room for two weeks is about 1,400 bucks.
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Your croissant, souffle and cigarette budget is about 700 bucks.
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That comes to 3,100 duckets
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Multiply that by... let’s say
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10,000 peeps who want to march on the streets with Kumi,
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and you come up with 31 million bucks
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to persuade.... not a single muthafucka at the UN.
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Now... the cost of three Kryptonite New York Locks
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is about 300 bones.
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Throw in a few egg salad sandwiches,
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and some bottles of Gatorade,
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and you are roughly spending 317 greenbacks
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to inflict severe financial losses to a greedy muthafuckin oil company.
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So imagine the damage peeps could do
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if they had 31 millions smackers
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to spend on u-locks and sandwiches?
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Just sayin..
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Anywho, I asked these brave anti-oil technicians
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why the fuck they did this.
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"I'm locking myself down here
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"for many reasons.
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"One of my reasons recently
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"is that I'm soon to be a father.
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"I had concerns for the environment
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"for myself and everyone before.
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"But now it's also for my kid.
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"So I'm here to block because this is endangering
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"the water we're drinking,
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"and the earth I'm making my food grow out of.
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"So they're basically endangering
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"my basic needs."
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This summer we reported on Canada’s anti-terror law called Bill C51,
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that further criminalizes exactly what y’all are doing
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and equating it to terrorism.
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Aren’t y’all scared of what’s gonna happen to y’all?
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"That sort of legislation is designed to scare people off
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"from taking action.
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"And people need to do what they need to do
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"for their own reasons, and focus on
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"their motivations for doing so,
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"and not be deterred by fears of consequences
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"because those are unknown.
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"These laws are untested,
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"and if we allow ourselves to be paralyzed
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"by them, then they've won without ever having
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"to enforce that law."
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Recently it came out in the media
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that five major NGO’s made a deal with tar sands oil companies
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and the Alberta government.
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It is alleged that these NGO’s agreed to stop opposing pipelines
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if the oil companies put a limit to their carbon emissions.
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What are your thoughts on that deal?
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"We don't agree with those things,
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"because we are not NGO groups,
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"we are citizens groups, and we live near-by
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"to where the pipelines pass.
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"The opposite to those groups,
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"that are living far away from the pipeline
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"and we are more concerned, I think,
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"with what's going on in our country,
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"with what's going on in our community,
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"and that's why we don't have the same agenda."
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And finally,
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is it worth getting arrested and spending time in jail
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to do this action?
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"It's worth the risk, because this is my conviction
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"and people have gone through so many other steps,
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"so many other processes to stop [Line-9]
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"and is had done nothing.
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"So I think we need to go to this step,
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"and yes, I'm willing to take the charges
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"and face the consequences."
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Thanks y’all!
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And that about does it for this sedition
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of It’s the End of the World as we Know it and I Feel Fine.
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Remember if you have story ideas,
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would like to know the names of the tracks we played,
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want to get our podcast,
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subscribe to our email list
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or just send me dirty Christmas carols,
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just visit my fuckin website: stimulator.tv
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This week, the following slaves chose anarchist news
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over christmas consumerism
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and kicked down to fund this disastrous diatribe.
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So big fuckin ups to:
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Gregory, Smantha, Premadasi, Sarah, Thomas, Elizabeth, Tim, Freda, Helgi, Joshua, Nicolas, Naomi, T, Kevin. Zerotec, Yifan, Andrew, Ricky, Ross, Alexandra, Ben, Gretchen, Victor, Renzo,
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Alejandro, Jessica, Alex, Audrey, Hal, Jeremy, Lady Rott, Sandy, Gummo, Ajay, Lindsey, Gilbert, Keah, Jerad, Willie, Amit, Kirk, Kart, Michael, Aidrian, Joseph, Marisol, Andrew, Lauren, Andrew,
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Gregory, Joaquin, Gavin, Stephen, Jason, Samantha, Sebastien, Justin, Joshua, Daniel, William, Bear, Flyn, Per, Jan, Tundra Punks, Jonathan, Steve, Blade, Karlis, Jan, Raul, Deda and Hansen!
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Chilaquiles!
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I also would like to welcome the newest members of the taconspiracy:
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Michael, Anonymous, The Wedge, Ta mere, Reto and Hippo-Monkey
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Micheladas!
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With that said, I hope you fuckers had a kick-ass 2015.
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I know I did.
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Next year we’ll be back with more inspiration
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to exhale a gargantuan breath
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to fan the flames of the muthafuckin revolutionary fire in all of us,
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and make 2016 the year in which we dance
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upon the ashes of our dead capitalist overlords.
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Feliz Año Nuevo muthafuckas!