How to figure out what you really want | Ashley Stahl | TEDxLeidenUniversity

Have you ever wondered what you actually want? Then join Ashley Stahl -career coach, author, former counter-terrorism and podcast host - as she shares her three key steps to help you connect to your life's purpose, discover your ideal career path, and make what she likes to call a "you-turn," the decision to get out of fear and tap into to what you actually want out of life. She hosts inspirational guests each week on her show, "The You Turn Podcast," with the intention of helping her listeners upgrade their mindset both in work and love, and land a new job they love.

Ashley’s been named a “Top 99 Foreign Policy Leader Under 33” by Diplomatic Courier Magazine and Young Professionals in Foreign Policy. She’s a columnist for Forbes, and her work has been featured on the Wall Street Journal, CBS, SELF, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune and more.

Ashley earned her Master’s degree in IR from King’s College London, and another Master’s in Spiritual Psychology at the University of Santa Monica. She holds a BA from University of Redlands in government, history and French.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

It was 2:45 PM

on a rainy Friday in Los Angeles.

My dad was just brewing
a cup of coffee in the kitchen

when he answered a call
from an unknown number.

He froze as he heard a woman
violently crying and screaming

on the other side of the line.

Next, a strong masculine voice came on.

And he said to my dad,

"We have your daughter,

and if you don't listen
to every single word that we say,

we're going to kill her."

My dad paused,

he lost his breath for a moment,

and he managed to ask,

"Can I talk to her?"

"Do you want us to break her arm?"

They taunted him.

Now, you have to understand
I am one of two daughters.

And sadly,

just six months
before this phone call came in,

we took my big sister off of life support.

I'll never forget the day that she died.

My dad looked at me with this grief,
with this heartbreak,

bigger than the entire sky,

and he kept repeating to me, saying,

"Now I only have one daughter left."

So, as anyone would when they're in fear,
he gave his power away,

and he desperately said to the kidnappers,

"This is my only daughter;
I'll do whatever you want."

"Are you alone?"
the kidnappers asked him.

And in that moment, he locked eyes
with my mom across the kitchen,

pressed his fingers to his lips,
silently begging her to remain quiet.

And he said to them, "Yep, I'm alone,"
as he scribbled on a napkin.

He wrote,

"Go outside, quiet, call 911.
Ashley's been kidnapped"

My sweet mom, she hurried outside
with her hands trembling,

and she managed to call 911.

Meanwhile,

my dad was being commanded
by the kidnappers.

"Get in your car," they said to him.

"You're going to the bank,

you're keeping us on the phone,

and you're going to pay a ransom.

And if you don't cooperate,

we'll be sending you
her body parts in the mail."

My mom let the police know
to meet her at the bank,

and she tiptoed in the car
so that they wouldn't hear her.

The conversation in the car to the bank
was all over the place.

In one minute, they were asking
my dad how his day was.

In the next minute,
they were threatening to rape me.

They pulled up at the bank,

and my mom went to meet
the police officer,

and meanwhile, my dad
stiffly walked into the bank

with his phone on
in his pocket as promised

so that the kidnapper
could hear him wiring the funds.

Meanwhile, as all of this was unfolding,

I was actually sitting
in my quaint, little Beverly Hills office,

conducting a podcast interview.

I remember throughout
the conversation with my guest

kind of seeing my phone
light up across my desk

and not thinking much of it.

No, it wasn't until my guest left
that I saw a slew of missed calls.

And most importantly,

I saw one text message
that I'll never forget.

It said, "This is the police.

I'm with your family. Please call."

Now, in my early 20s,

I worked in counter-terrorism
at the Pentagon, in Washington, D.C.,

so believe me when I tell you
that my imagination of what could go wrong

is so colorful.

But in that moment -
I've never gotten a message like that,

thinking that maybe whatever
was on the other side of that text message

was going to ruin my life.

So I sat there, and I mustered
the courage to finally call.

He said, "This is Officer Johnson.
Is this Ashley?" "Yes"

He said, "Please confirm your name."

I said, "This is Ashley Michelle Stahl.
Is my family okay?"

Next thing I knew, I heard commotion.

He yelled across the bank to my dad,

"Mister Stahl, hang up the phone!

She's on the line; it's a scam!"

I heard a ton of commotion,

and then my dad grabbed the phone
from the police officer.

And he came onto the phone with me

with a voice sounding more fragile
than I've ever heard him before.

And all he said to me was "Is it you?"

I said, "Yeah, it's me."

And for the first time ever,
I heard my dad break down and sob.

He didn't sob like that
when I was a little girl.

I remember one
of his businesses went under,

and our family went
through an incredibly hard time,

and he didn't sob like that.

When I was in middle school,
I came home one day,

and he told me he had stage III cancer.

And he didn't sob like that
the day my big sister passed away.

Never.

He kept asking me if it was me,

as in I felt like
I had to prove that it was,

so I said, "Yeah, Dad, it's me.

We dressed up as hotdogs
together for Halloween.

You love cheesecake.

I just signed my book deal.

It's me, Dad."

And he met me with one question.

He said, "Can you please just come home?"

So I was on my way.

I remember walking in the front door
of my parents' house,

my dad rushed over to me,
and we hugged heart to heart,

and I felt his pain in a way
that I've never felt on another person.

It was in that moment
that I also realized

that parents aren't superhumans,

that they're just people -
like you, like me -

doing the best that they can.

He walked me through the phone call
from start to finish,

and I couldn't believe

that for two entire hours
he was living one reality

while I was living
a completely separate one.

But knowing that the truth
always leaves clues,

I couldn't help but wonder,

how did my supersmart dad get so duped?

And did the crying woman
even sound like me?

And how did he manage
to give his power away so quickly

to a bunch of strangers?

So, eventually, I managed to ask him,

"Did you ever doubt that this was real?"

And he gave an answer
that we all tend to give

when life corners us and we buy into fear.

He said to me,

"I didn't think
that there was another option."

Thinking about that, he went on,

about how we get so scared,

and how somebody
was screaming on the line,

and you don't have time
to think about that.

And that totally made sense to me.

But throughout the rest of the night,

I sat there in so much sadness
and some anger,

looking at how traumatized -

I'd never seen my 75-year old dad

so traumatized -

wondering how could somebody
do this to another person?

And it was in that moment

that something completely
unexpected washed over me.

And it was compassion.

Not just for my dad,
but for the fake kidnappers.

I wondered,

why would somebody choose a career path
of scaring people like that

and robbing them of their life savings?

The only answer I could come up with

was maybe they didn't think
they had a better option,

or, you know, maybe this
is what their parents taught them,

just like my parents taught me
what was possible for me in my career,

or maybe they don't have the awareness
that there's another way.

Put simply, maybe this was the best
that they thought they could do

to get by, survive,
and meet their needs in the world,

and pay their bills.

Often, we kidnap ourselves
from the lives that we actually want

because we think a different path

is going to help us survive,
get by, pay our bills,

or meet our needs in the world.

I pulled out my journal,
and I wrote at the top of it,

"I'm my own kidnapper."

I listed all of the ways over the years

that I silenced the truth
of what I actually want,

all of the times
that I took myself captive

on soul-crushing journeys
that I didn't even want to be on.

I thought about how so many of us
choose majors in college or career paths

that we don't even want to be on,

because we think it will help us

survive, get by,
or meet our needs in the world.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

I encourage you to ask yourself,

"Where am I kidnapping myself
from the life that I really want?"

"How am I giving away my power,
getting into fear,

just to meet my needs in the world?"

When we go into fear,
we give away our power

and we disconnect from who we really are
and what we really want.

But as a career coach, I've learned

that there are three key steps
that you can take right now

to make what I love to call a "you-turn,"

which is the decision to get out of fear
and come home to yourself.

So the first step is to do a self audit.

Really ask yourself,

"Where am I holding myself captive?"

This means being honest with yourself

about where you are,
what's working for you, and what isn't.

If you think about it,
we come into the world,

our natural state
is with so much love, creativity -

think about kids; they have inspiration -

and yet over time we're taught to fear.

And fear is a necessary
inner alarm system

that we all need to survive
in the physical world.

Think about it.

We learn to look both ways
before we cross the street.

We learn not to touch
the stove when it's hot.

We learn not to talk to strangers.

But over time, we get hurt.

Life throws us curveballs.

We learn to stop taking risks
and start being afraid.

We get afraid to put ourselves out there.

We start calling ourselves
"practical" or "realistic"

for making choices
that seem "responsible"

when really we're just
so scared of criticism.

And if we're being
really honest with ourselves,

people who call themselves realists
are often just dreamers

who got their hearts broken
somewhere along the way.

So how do you make a you-turn?

You do a self audit.

You come home to yourself.

And that's why one of my favorite
questions to ask people is

"What do you know
that you wish you didn't know?"

What do you know
that you wish you didn't know?

Maybe some of you know
that you're hiding from the truth.

Deep down, you know
you're hiding from the truth.

Maybe you're hiding from the fact
that you hate your job,

but you won't admit it
because you're scared

and you don't know where to go next.

Or maybe you're hiding from the fact
that you married the wrong person,

but you're scared to admit it
because it's going to unravel your life

to get a divorce.

Or maybe you know that something
is going on with your health,

but you're scared to go to the doctor

because you don't want
to hear the diagnosis.

Whatever it is, tap into
what's deeply true for you,

seeing things as they are -

not worse than they are,
not better than they are,

but as they actually are.

In order to figure out
what you really want,

you need to see the truth
of where you are.

And maybe right now you feel pain
bubbling up inside of you

as you look at what's true for you.

But know this:

pain is often a trampoline

that will launch us
into our next stage of life

if we're willing to let it.

The second step is to follow your freedom.

Follow your freedom.

This means paying attention
to what feels good to you

so that you can finally set yourself free.

So you're probably wondering right now,

"Okay, Ashley,

how do I feel what feels good?"

Very fair question.

We live in a world right now

of Internet trolls and tweets
and text messages,

and the data is officially in:

we are so connected

that we're somehow,
according to research,

more disconnected than ever.

In fact, in the United States alone,
71% of the workforce is on the job hunt.

And I believe, as a career expert,

that that is because people
don't like where they are.

More than 70% of the United States
is taking prescription drugs,

and more than half of marriages
are ending in divorce.

We've heard it all before.

"Do what you love,
and the money will follow."

Or my least favourite piece of advice,

"Follow your passion."

These short expressions
are often a fast track to nowhere.

But when you learn to really follow
what feels good to you,

your purpose is often
either right in front of you

or on the periphery of that.

So maybe you're wondering,

"Well, how do I really connect to my body?

How do I feel what feels good?"

You're still being with this question.

And that totally makes sense to me.

Right now,

scientists are calling our gut
"our second brain,"

and you've probably heard the research

that suggests that there's more
than 200 million neurons in our gut,

which is equivalent to the size
of a cat or dog's brain.

So what does that mean to you?

That means if in your nervous system

you're feeling some sort
of anxiety or disconnect,

some nerves, something feels off,

to trust it because
your body is a messenger

and it is constantly giving you feedback.

In my early 20s,

when I moved to Washington, D.C.,
to work in counter-terrorism,

I didn't know if that was going to be
my ultimate career path.

But something about it felt good to me.

And guess what happened on the periphery?

I succeeded in my career.

I learned how to master the job hunt.

And I became a career expert.

And guess what happened
on the periphery of that?

I became a published author,
my biggest dream.

In a world of climbing
the corporate ladder,

five-year plans, and unnecessary degrees,

we are all striving for something
that is so unrealistic.

And it's perfection.

But who you are at age 25
isn't going to be who you are at age 30,

and it certainly isn't going to be
who you are at age 40.

And that's why I invite you
to see your career as an experiment

that really meets you where you are -

a vehicle for your own self-expression.

You can start with writing down
all of your ideas

and checking in with your body,
seeing how they feel to you.

Do you feel joy? Or do you feel fear?

Do you feel expansion?
Or do you feel contraction?

Do you feel liberation?
Or do you feel suffocation?

That's why one of my favourite tools
to recommend people that they use

is called a "joy journal."

When you're feeling disconnected,

for 30 days, take the time to write down

every single moment -
that moment that lit you up the most -

every single day.

And I don't care

if it's the woman you talk to
in the bathroom line at the club

or the meeting you led at work.

Pay attention.

And at the end of the 30 days,

take note of if there's any patterns
in your inspiration.

Really ask yourself,

"What skill set am I using
when I'm the most inspired?"

Because when you're in your inspiration,

you're not being run
or kidnapped by your fear.

And the third step is to engage.

So needless to say,
your cute little joy journal

isn't going to get you that love interest
that you've been pining over

or that dream job that you really want.

Action will.

But perfectionism is the enemy of action.

And often, I found that perfectionism
is a mask that we all wear

when we're afraid of failure.

So ask yourself, "Am I a perfectionist?"

Because here's the truth of the matter.

Clarity comes from engagement;
it does not come from thought.

Limbo is powerless.

So if you want to be powerful,
look at your list,

pick something that feels good.

Show up, see what feedback
the universe gives you,

make a commitment,

and know that you can course-correct

along the way.

You know, looking back and thinking
about the fake kidnapping incident,

I think a lot about my dad

and all of the trauma
that he experienced that day,

nearly wiring his entire life savings
to some strangers on the phone.

I think about how the truth
always really does leave clues.

How he thought to ask if it was me
or if he could talk to me

because early on
in the kidnapper conversation,

he wanted to talk to me for proof.

Some part of him knew.

I think about how he gave away his power
in desperation and in fear,

as we all do.

And most of all,

I thought about my compassion
for the kidnappers,

and all of the lessons
that I really learned.

We all have the opportunity
to free ourselves.

And it starts with really taking a look

at who you are.

Doing a self audit.

Following what feels good.

And taking action.

No matter where you are
in your life right now,

you have the opportunity
to make a you-turn.

That means connecting to the truth.

Connecting to your body.

Connecting to your joy.

Most of all, that means
making your you-turn.

Thank you.

(Applause)