-
(organ music)
-
Let's hear it for my internal organs!
-
(laughter and applause)
-
This bloke said to me, he said, I'm gonna
dress up as a small island off the coast
-
of Italy. I said don't be sosilly.
-
(laughter)
-
I think a parachute jump is the scariest
thing that I have ever, ever refused to do.
-
(laughter)
-
Actually I did want to do a parachute jump,
and of course they attach you to the
-
instructor an they jump together. So I was
in this airplane and they attach me to this
-
bloke and we jumped out, and it was really
frightening because half way down he
-
said, "How long have you been an instructor?"
-
(laughter)
-
But we've all heard the theory that people
look like their pets, well tonight I'm gonna
-
test that theory out. You sir, have you got
a llama?
-
(laughter)
-
Just so you know, whoever sits there, I
always say: "Have you got a llama."
-
I just got lucky tonight.
-
(laughter)
-
So I went to BBQ and I had a sweep-steak.
-
(laughter)
-
And I met the man who invented windowsills.
What a ledge.
-
(laughter)
-
And this antique dealer came up to me,
he said, what do you think of the Chinese
-
Dynasty? I said, it was very badly dubbed.
-
(laughter)
-
I said I'm going to open a shop in Saudi
Arabia. He said, Dubai? I said, yes, and sell.
-
(laughter)
-
My grandfather was a very controversial
artist, he designed the lions in Trafalgar Square.
-
It doesn't sound very cutting-edge, but at the
time that really put the cat amongst the pigeons.
-
(laughter)
-
So I said to this New Zealand bloke, I said
that I am going to a Swedish furniture shop.
-
He said does it look like "I care"?
-
(laughter)
-
I said well I'm going to buy some furniture
polish. He said, pledge? I said, I give you my word.
-
(laughter)
-
Well you're probably all thinking to yourself
this is all very well but when do we get to
-
sing with you, Tim? Well the answer is
now, I'm actually totally deaf. I never
-
thought he was going to say that!
-
(laughter)
-
This song is called Subtraction, take
it away!
-
(laughter)
-
Hit the music please!
-
(music)
-
I only know the one dance.
-
(singing)
It's easy.
-
(crowd)
It's easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy, easy, easy.
-
It's easy, easy, easy.
-
It's easy, easy, easy.
-
It's easy, easy, easy.
-
It's easy, easy, easy.
-
It's easy, easy, easy.
-
It's easy, easy, easy.
-
It's easy, easy, easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy.
-
It's easy. Blimey that was hard wasn't it?
-
(laughter)
-
Bnag! That's bang out of order.
-
(laughter)
-
I don't know why I put myself through this.
-
(laughter)
-
(high-pitched voice)
Hello, my name is Bruce Willis, and I was in
-
a Die Hard film and used to shoot at
people and people would shoot back
-
at me, yes, I'm Bruce Willis, I was in
Sixth Sense, I'm a film star, I'm Bruce Willis.
-
(regular voice)
Sorry, I may have given you the wrong impression.
-
(laughter)
-
So I went to the binoculars shop, I'll tell
you what, they saw me coming.
-
(laughter)
-
Of course binoculars is plural, the
singular is: telescope.
-
(laughter)
-
But I love language, this bloke said to me,
does every sentence have to contain a
-
vegetable? I said not necessa-celary.
-
(laughter)
-
And then there's words. The word "mortar"
has two different meanings. As I discovered
-
when the house I built blew itself up.
-
(laughter)
-
So I went down to a local pub. Do you like
local jokes? Yeah, me too, they're right
-
up my street.
-
(laughter)
-
I walked in to a very drunk man slumped
in a chair. He looked at me he said, what
-
do you do for a living? I said I'm a comedian,
he said I admire anyone who can stand up...
-
(laughter)
-
I said, bet you can't name a single subject
I don't have a joke about. He said, beavers.
-
I said, damn.
-
(laughter)
-
I did a gig the other day, it went really
badly.
-
Cheers.
-
And I walked off stage all I could hear
was the sound of one person clapping.
-
Then I remembered I was wearing flip-flops.
-
(laughter)
-
Didn't make sense. The night before did a
gig to a whole lot of reindeers.
-
Slayed them!
-
(laughter)
-
That move improves the joke.
-
Doesn't work with all of them.
-
You know, the first job I had in this business
I was playing the back half of a pantomime wasp.
-
And I thought I was the bee's knees.
-
(laughter)
-
I got lost in the jungle. Luckily I had a
compass with me, so I was able to
-
draw perfect circles with a pencil.
-
(laughter)
-
A small blue garden bird made of
mahogany. Be great if I had a related
-
joke. Wouldn't it?
-
(laughter and applause)
-
Hit the music please!
-
(music)
-
(singing)
Waiting...
-
Can sometimes be...
-
Lots of fun!
-
(laughter)
-
But not always.
(music ends)
-
(laughter and applause)
-
This is really creepy, watch this.
(laughs)
-
(still laughing)
-
(laughter)
-
I have a friend who is always taking a
nipping at me for having a pay as you go
-
phone. He's always going: (singsong)
You got a pay as you go phone, you got
-
a pay as you go phone. So eventually
I took out a contract, and I had him killed.
-
(laughter)
-
So I said me and some friends have just
been talking about you. He said, you
-
disgust me. I said yes, we did.
-
(laughter)
-
He said, next time you're asleep I'm
gonna wake you up. I said, that's disturbing.
-
(laughter)
-
I've nearly finished filling in my CV.
I just got a little bit there.
-
(laughter and applause)
-
I think perhaps my worst invention
was this rubber band wind chime.
-
(laughter)
-
Alright, pipe down.
-
(laughter)
-
I'm going to attempt something for
you now. It's called, Pen Behind the Ear.
-
(cheers and applause)
-
Hit the music please!
-
(music)
-
(laughter)
-
(music increasing intensity)
-
(music abruptly ends)
-
(awws)
-
(laughter)
-
(music starts up again)
-
(cheers and applause)
-
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the other ear!
-
(laughter)
-
Ladies and gentlemen I'll leave you this,
because to be honest with you, it doesn't
-
belong to me, I didn't bring it with me.
-
(laughter)
-
I was standing on the beach, I walked into
the waves holding a tub of taramasalata.
-
Bloke said to me, what are you doing?
I said, I'm taking a dip in the sea.
-
(laughter)
-
So I was steering a yacht with my stomach
muscles. Ab sailing.
-
(laughter)
-
And this farmer came up to me, he said
I've got 68 sheep, can you round them up
-
for me. I said sure, 70.
-
(laughter and applause)
-
I've got to be honest with you ladies and
gentlemen, I don't think I'm going to be
-
doing this job much longer.
-
(awws)
-
Ok, not enough of you and too long
a pause, but um-
-
(laughter)
-
What concerns me is that one day,
I'll wind up an old man.
-
And he'll attack me.
-
(laughter)
-
Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a
sensational audience, thanks for coming
-
along tonight. Good night!
-
(cheers and applause)