Enmeshment and Family Dynamics | Kati Morton

- Hey everybody, happy Thursday.

Now today we're gonna talk about,

enmeshment and family dynamics.

But first, I know we have a lot
of new people here, welcome.

And if you have a question or concern,

or if you're wondering if
I've talked about it before,

just hop into the search bar on YouTube

and put in my name, Kati Morton,

and then some key words
for your search, like,

toxic relationships,
family issues, depression.

Eating disorders, whatever it is.

I have over 12 hundred
videos, so chances are

I've talked about it already.

Okay, now today's question is,

how do you as an adult, not
let your parents dictate

who you are as a person?

For example, my dad just
told me that I'm worthless.

Now it triggers back to my past.

And I really like this
question because I think

a lot of us can easily get
pulled back into old ways

of thinking and acting.

For example, even a
personal example of mine,

I remember when I used to
go home for the holidays

after being at school all
year when I was in college

and I would slide right back
into old high school aged Kati.

My parents would try and
tell me when I could leave

and what time I had to be back home,

and I would fight them, just
like I did back in high school.

It was really crazy,
and I remember thinking

after being home for a week
that, wow, I'm doing exactly

what I used to do as a kid, why is that?

It's so uncomfortable.

And I used to fight with my mom and say

"But I've been doing this
on my own for so long,

"I'm still alive, I'm still
fine and you weren't there

"to look out for me when I was at school"

you know, the average stuff
but I didn't for a second

take the time to consider
that they were just worried.

And they didn't want me
waking them up at 2.00am,

you know when I got back home.

And I need to be respectful
of their home and space.

As an adult now, I totally see
their point and I understand.

But childhood me, just couldn't see that

and it was easy even
though I was getting older,

to slide right back in to
like 16, 17, 18 year old Kati.

One of the reasons that I
think this happens so often

and it's such a common thing,
is that we can get stuck

in old stories or patterns.

I've been talking more
and more about stories

and if you don't know what I mean by that,

it's kind like the story
that we tell ourselves.

So what is it that
being home, means to me,

and what is it I tell myself about that?

Does it mean that I am not independent?

Does it mean that I have
to listen to my parents?

Does it mean that I wanna fight them?

I'm a certain type of
myself, does that make sense?

I get stuck in these old narratives

and if a person says
something, like the person

who answers questions
that my dad just told me

that I'm worthless.

That certain scenario, that
certain statement that was made

can fit right in to this old unhealthy,

maybe negative, story that
I've been telling myself.

Maybe I agree, maybe I
remember being a child

and not feeling like I
was important enough.

And I go right back into that story

because it's comfortable, I know it well.

I know all the words, I know
how I'm suppose to feel.

Do you see what I mean?

And it's so easy to get stuck in those.

And part of healing is often
just recognizing the stories.

And knowing that we're the
authors of our own stories

and we can change them.

A random thing I learned from Alexa,

who's a colleague of mine and
she's a trauma specialist,

is that when we're going
back to process a trauma,

we can often do it from a
perspective of watching a movie.

And you can tell yourself
that I'm the writer

and the director of this
film and I have the ability

to change the outcome, so
maybe in the story of our abuse

we felt completely helpless or hopeless.

But because now we're the
author and the director

we can go in and be like,
no, she's super strong,

she's been like working out.

Has this bat and she beats
the shit out of the person

who's trying to abuse her and runs away.

We can totally change that.

Because the reason that
we're continuing to struggle

with the trauma or continue to get stuck

in these old stories, is
cause we're telling them

just the way we remember them.

We're not giving ourselves the opportunity

to change the narrative, and
change our perspective on it.

And I know that can
seem kinda like woo woo

but just trust me, it's
really really healing.

And so just start to notice what stories

you might be telling yourself

that aren't serving you anymore.

Or you feel like it's holding you back.

Like that example when I
went home for Christmas

of for the summer,

the story I was telling myself
was my parents are my enemies

and I'm annoyed with them

and I want to do what I want to do.

It's that teen dynamic.

But I was getting stuck in that story

instead of realizing, hey,
now that I've lived on my own

I know what it's like to
have someone wake me up

in the middle of the night.

That's not really respectful of my space,

therefore that's not
respectful of their space.

Just seeing things from
a different perspective

and changing the narrative
that I tell myself about it.

And I know that's kind of a silly example,

a lot of us are dealing
with bigger issues,

but just taking the time to consider

which ones we're telling
that are holding us back.

It could even be that we're
always playing the victim,

maybe that's a story we tell ourselves,

that everyone's out to get us.

Or it could be that I don't have any power

or I'm not important.

Just try to think about it.

It's almost like that negative voice

that I talk about all the time.

Tracking those negative thoughts.

Those are all part of
those negative stories,

so don't think these are
two totally different things

they kind of work together.

And another thing that I
just want to talk about

is the fact that we don't have control

over other people, at all.

We can't stop our parents from
saying shitty things to us

or people in our lives from doing things

that we find hurtful.

We can only change
ourselves and how we respond

or react to that.

And this is something
that I've been working on

in my own life for years, and it's hard.

It just takes some time and patience.

I just want to tell you
that so you don't think

that, I'm not getting
this, it's so frustrating,

I'm trying so hard.

I'm doing the same thing
and I still struggle.

But I just do my best to
notice when I'm trying

to control someone else.

And this doesn't come in the
regular form that you think.

I find that the way I do this most

is if they would just do, insert thing,

then I could do insert thing.

For instance, an example would be,

if they would just apologize
then I could move on.

I can't control them.

Whether they apologize or
not, it's not something

that I can actually make happen.

But you know what I can do?

I can choose to forgive them.

I can choose to not engage
in that toxic relationship.

I can choose to keep the
space and the boundaries up

that I feel are healthy, happy for myself.

There are things that I can do,

but I can't make them do anything.

So just trying to recognize
that is really really beneficial

because going back to this question,

how do you let parents
not dictate who you are,

when you're an adult?

They don't have control over you

and you don't have control over them.

You can't make your dad
stop being an asshole

and saying that you're worthless.

That's just not something that
we have the capability to do.

And that's just life,
but we do have the choice

to engage with that person, or not.

Parent or not, it actually doesn't matter,

those are still relationships.

Even though they're our
parents, when we're both adults

it's an adult relationship.

And there has to be
communication, mutual respect.

There are things we need
to have in relationships

in order for them to
continue and be healthy.

So don't think that just
'cause they're a parent

you have to put up with them
being a total garbage person.

You don't.

You can't control them,
they can't control you.

And having those healthy
boundaries is really

what will stop you from
getting pulled back into

childhood you, like I
was saying, teenage Kati.

The only way I can do that,
is through mutual respect

communication and understanding
of where my mom and dad end

and where I begin.

And overall just know that
it's gonna take practice

and patience.

Recognizing those old
stories can honestly be

some of the hardest parts
of this recovery process.

Trust me, like I was
saying, I've been working on

recognizing I don't have
control over other people

for years and it's still difficult.

Also just paying attention
to what we say to ourselves,

can be hard, because we
often don't slow down

and tap in, we're just so
busy going about our lives

that we don't recognize
all the nasty things

that maybe we're telling
ourselves and believing it's fact

even when we don't have
the evidence to support it.

And also know that I
recognize it can be hard

to come up with a new version of a story.

And that's something
you can do in therapy.

It can be something you kind
of bounce around the idea.

Well what could I do that
would be more empowering

in this situation?

I just felt so helpless,
I don't have anything

that I can think of.

That's what a therapist can help you with.

They can help you come
up with different words,

or what if you did this?

And you can say, "No that
doesn't feel authentic to me"

You can talk it out.

It's almost like white
boarding a story line.

Maybe it goes this way?

I don't like that, that
doesn't feel right.

Okay, what if it went this way?

Talk it out because it can be difficult

to come up with an alternative version

of those old unhealthy stories.

But you will get there, the more we try,

the more we recognize and
the more we change slowly.

Maybe it's just a couple
of things at a time,

the better we'll start to feel.

And the healthier of a distance we'll have

between old icky versions of ourselves

and unhealthy relationships
maybe we're still engaged in.

And I just wanna mention
this one last time,

so that you all hear it,
because the boundaries

are so vital to this
process, to this separation

from our parents or our caretakers,

and unhealthy relationships.

They're really important
because we need distance

between us and the people
who potentially trigger

or support those unhealthy stories

we're trying to get away from.

And if we continue to
engage in an enmeshed way

that why so we're gonna
talk about enmeshment

with this whole video, is,
when we don't have boundaries

and we allow people to influence

how we think about ourselves
and our situation, meaning,

when they say something
like, you're worthless,

we accept it, we take it in as fact,

we internalize that, for better for worse.

And if so we're enmeshed
we have no separation

from other people, how they feel, we feel.

How we feel, they feel.

What they say, we believe.

And what we say, they believe.

That's just not healthy.

In any stretch of the imagination,

that's not a healthy relationship.

Because we all need to
have some sense of self,

some boundary.

We need to know, who we are, and be okay

with being ourselves,
even when we're alone.

And so boundaries are
so important to set up.

This can come, I know a lot of people

are like "Well how do I
start with boundaries?

"I don't even know how to create those."

And the truth is, our brain
and body already tell us

when they're being stepped on, or pushed.

Someone's coming up close to a boundary.

We can feel really uncomfortable.

We can feel on edge,
we can feel irritable.

Some people even tell me that
they just wanted to leave

they were like "I don't
want to talk about that.

"I don't like that."

You don't want to engage
in that conversation

or this situation as a
whole, but you do anyway.

But that urge to get away,
like fight, flight or freeze

if we feel any of those
things, I'm angry or irritable

I kinda want to start
a fight, I wanna leave,

I don't like this, or I'm
shutting down, spacing out.

We all do those things right?

Those are signals within
our body and our brain

to tell us that a
boundary has been crossed,

or someone's getting really close to it

and we don't like that.

And that's okay.

It's okay if we're not able
to walk away right away

or we aren't able to say, "you know what?

"I'm gonna go to the
bathroom and I'll be back"

And we take a break, remove ourselves.

We'll get better at being able

to put these boundaries in place.

Sometimes I think the
hardest part is recognizing

where they are.

And knowing that telling
someone, "I'm not interested

"in this conversation"
or, excusing yourself,

"I'm gonna go to the restroom"

"I'm just gonna go sit down,
I'm feeling kinda tired"

any kind of excuse or thing
we can, in this situation

we can make to get ourselves out of that,

is gonna take time to
feel stronger and safer

saying those words.

But it's okay and that
doesn't make you rude,

it doesn't mean that
you're being aggressive.

It means you're being assertive.

You're recognizing where
your boundaries should be

and you're working to place them there.

And it's always, it's like a muscle.

It's like a work in progress,
we're gonna keep trying

but in order to stop
ourselves from absorbing

what other people say
and taking it as fact

and letting it trigger us
and pull us back to our past,

we're gonna have to, lay these down.

We're gonna have to
put boundaries in place

and hold them up and I have a ton of

videos about boundaries.

If you were wanting to watch more,

like I said at the beginning you can put

Kati Morton into the search bar on YouTube

and put boundaries in.

All of the boundary
videos I have will come up

and hopefully that will
help you better understand

and navigate this because trust me,

having healthy boundaries
in place when it comes to

any relationship in our life can be

completely life changing and
give us the space we need

to create new and healthier
stories about ourselves.

Hope you find that helpful.

And I know I can't talk about everything

and think of everyone's
scenario, so I'd love

if in the comments down below, you share

what's helped you get distance from those

in your lives that are unhealthy.

Or how you found yourself,
being able to helpfully

separate from your parents.

'Cause maybe they say things
that just aren't very nice.

Let us know in those comments down below

and I will see you next time.

Bye.

(gentle music)