Sharon Steed - Empathetic communication: why vulnerability is the key to collaboration

In business as well as in life, few things are more important to your success than building relationships. But so often, relationships fail before they get solid footing because we as humans sometimes have a difficult time connecting. That connection begins with empathy. And the key to empathy? Vulnerability. Sharon is a stutterer, and she knows how valuable one’s voice is. She also knows how it feels to attempt to share an idea only to fail miserably as a result of a communications breakdown. After years of struggling to join the conversation, she finally learned how communicate her ideas in a way that forced people to listen. And that’s what she’s going to discuss with you. The takeaways from this talk will be learning how to value the listener, improved collaboration at the office and becoming a master at building a relationship quickly and effectively.

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Hi, everyone.

This talk is about communication.

The first thing I'm going to tell you

is that I stutter.

I've stuttered since I was 3 years old,

around this age. I know, I'm adorable.

It's okay. You can tell me. [Laughter]

Stuttering has shaped how I communicate

since I was that person right there.

I began stuttering when I was 3.

I was talking to my parents about it

and they said they weren't that concerned

because many kids stutter at that age and

they grow out of it when they're 5 or 6.

I had cousins who stuttered, my brother,

my parents; they all grew out of theirs

by the time they were around 17.

People thought, it's a thing

that is happening right now,

but it'll go away on its own

and that will be the end of that.

Well, I'm 32, and it's still here.

I guess it's just here to stay.

Those who stutters develop coping tools.

I did... So many things that I did

that were kind of odd

were because of my stuttering.

I would try to conceal it

by saying things... Sorry.

I would try to stay away from situations

where I knew that I'd have to talk

because I was so terrified of stuttering.

I'd change words because when you stutter,

you are keenly aware of the words

that are going to give you some trouble.

Before saying the word, I'd quickly

think about a different word to say

so I wouldn't stutter.

I came to know that stuttering and

the ways I was coping were taking over

both my personal and professional life

so I decided to try to face this fear

by pursuing smaller opportunities to speak

in front of people.

It know it sounds insane

but I'm the type of person who,

if I'm afraid to swim, I'm going to jump

in the deep end and see what happens.

Hopefully, I don't drown. [Laughter]

When I began pursuing public speaking,

the views that I had had of communication

drastically changed.

Communication is supposed to be

an act of incredible empathy.

The problem is that it definitely isn't.

To talk about communication,

we have to talk about conversations.

The way we approach conversations is bad.

That's you, and you come up with

this thing that you want to tell people.

You have an idea. That's you.

That's the thing you want to tell people

and you get pumped about this idea.

You don't want to brag, but you think that

this thing could have legs.

You're pretty excited about

what you want to share.

You think about the idea,

about the words you want to use,

about how you want others to feel,

about how you want to feel as

you're explaining the idea.

You say it, you're excited, and

you expect them to be "wow",

that was the best idea

that I think I will ever hear in my life,

and they don't act like that.

They're like, "okay, great.

I have to go to lunch now."

You're confused as to why this person

isn't as excited as you about this idea

that you think is so great.

The problem is you don't care about them.

You don't want to have

a two-way conversation.

You just want them to love

your idea the way that Kanye loves Kanye.

[Laughter]

This self-focused approach

to communication is a breeding ground for

lackluster conversations, and it can even

cause problems on teams.

What do you need to do,

and how do you fix the problem?

You need to think about the other person.

You need to be empathetic.

The reason why is because empathy

fuels connection, and if this is true,

then empathetic communication is going to

drive collaboration.

When building teams or products,

one of the most important things

that has to be positive

is the way you collaborate

as a collective.

This presents a problem.

In 2016, the way we collaborate

is almost exclusively via

glowing screens, software and text;

which is fine, there are benefits

to communicating in this way.

Teams have said that being able to talk

to each other via Slack and Twitter

helps sharing.

It helps people feel connected

and to build a common ground.

The problem there is that,

when you are communicating exclusively

via text,

the empathy that you must have

to connect is oftentimes lost.

Technology is extremely helpful

but it can't replace the social aspect

of face-to-face communication.

Here is another truth.

Failures of communication can't just be

automated away.

You have to confront things

face-to-face.

If you take away the technology,

cellphones, computers, software,

then what do you have left?

You have people.

There's a second problem.

People hate talking to each other

because talking is hard,

conversations are difficult, and

collaboration is extremely hard.

That's why collaboration does fail,

it's hard to talk to people sometimes.

Let's figure out why collaboration fail.

The biggest reasons are that people

are afraid of being wrong and

concerned they aren't going to be able

to communicate their thoughts and

opinions in a clear way.

The fear of being wrong

is the fear of being judged.

I can't tell you the times when I've had

an idea and wanted to share it,

but I was so consumed with the thought of

being judged,

that I just remained silent.

Being misunderstood happens almost daily.

You are all highly technical people

and you work with nontechnical people.

Having to explain things can often end up

in frustration and irritation,

so it's just easier not to collaborate.

So how do we fix this?

The first thing is

that you have to speak up,

and encourage the people around you

to do the same

because silence kills collaboration.

Hearing what another person has to say

doesn't make your thoughts

and opinions any less valid.

All it does is enhance conversations.

The next thing that you have to do is

to think about the person

that you were talking to.

All of us are on different planes.

intellectually, emotionally. That's okay.

Speaking to people on their level

doesn't compromise your level.

Next thing, to think about the speaker.

When you're having a conversation where

the speaker is struggling while talking,

think back to hearing me speak now.

I know that it can be incredibly difficult

to completely understand what I'm trying

to say, and that you have to be patient.

You have to really pay attention.

When you discuss your ideas

from a place of great empathy,

and you pay attention to

others' ideas

from that same place,

you are going to create something

that is bigger and better than the things

you could have created by yourself.

That takes vulnerability.

It's the vulnerability to embrace silence

or discuss the things that are going to be

an uncomfortable conversation,

and that also takes courage.

It takes the courage to listen to people

when they are struggling to communicate

the things that they're trying to say,

and the courage to embrace them

being vulnerable to you.

To be an empathetic communicator,

you need to be courageous,

you need to be vulnerable and patient.

That's going to be the foundation

of a positive and effective

team collaboration.

Thank you.

[Applause]

RYAN: Would you like to take questions?

SHARON: Sure.

RYAN: Thank you very much

for sharing your story with us.

RYAN: It's a very powerful talk.

We do have time for questions as well

if anybody have any questions that

would like to pose...

AUDIENCE MEMBER: I was really struck when

you made the point about how people

are often afraid to speak up

because they fear either

of being wrong or they fear

being misunderstood.

I really reflected on that.

I started to wonder which one

of those two things I fear most.

I'm still wondering about that,

but when I was reflecting on that further,

I realized that some of the biggest jerks

that I've ever known, we're talking

about real geniuses but quite often jerks,

who do fear being wrong

but that don't care at all

about being missunderstood.

Oftentimes, they deliberately choose

their words to ensure they can't be wrong

because they're ambiguous,

they have many interpretations.

They don't care about being misunderstood

because they leave it up to the audience

to misunderstand them.

Maybe I'm being unfair to those people, or

maybe they have legitimate reasons for

behaving that way, but I'm curious about

what you think about this in terms of

the kind of personality that stops caring

about whether their audience

misunderstands them or not.

SHARON: I'm sure we call them sociopaths.

[Laughter]

They just don't feel, they don't care,

so they can live their lives in a way that

it doesn't matter if I hurt your feelings

because I don't have feelings anyway.

In terms of the personality for

people who do have feelings,

I think they are a lot more thoughtful,

and think about what they're going to say.

They make sure that the way

they communicate is going to be

both positive and effective, and

it's not going to harm others

because that's also really important, too.

The way we talk about things,

and the way that we say things

has an impact on how things are perceived.

I think that people who care

talk to people in the way that

they have to be spoken to.

Everybody else who's on the ends,

you probably don't want to be talking

to them anyway, because they don't care

about your feelings.

Unless you have to go to work with them.

and then...I don't know.

RYAN: Anyone have any more questions?

Thank you very much.

SHARON: Thank you.

[Applause]