Sharon Steed - Empathetic communication: why vulnerability is the key to collaboration

In business as well as in life, few things are more important to your success than building relationships. But so often, relationships fail before they get solid footing because we as humans sometimes have a difficult time connecting. That connection begins with empathy. And the key to empathy? Vulnerability. Sharon is a stutterer, and she knows how valuable one’s voice is. She also knows how it feels to attempt to share an idea only to fail miserably as a result of a communications breakdown. After years of struggling to join the conversation, she finally learned how communicate her ideas in a way that forced people to listen. And that’s what she’s going to discuss with you. The takeaways from this talk will be learning how to value the listener, improved collaboration at the office and becoming a master at building a relationship quickly and effectively.

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Hi, everyone.

This talk is about communication.

First thing, I stutter.

I've stuttered since I was 3 years old,

around this age. I know, I'm adorable.

It's okay. You can tell me. [Laughter]

Stuttering has shaped how I communicate

since I was that person right there.

I began stuttering when I was 3 years old.

I was talking to my parents about it

and they said they weren't that concerned

because many kids stutter at that age and

they grow out of there when they're 5, 6.

I had cousins who stuttered, my brother,

my parents, they grew out of theirs when

they were 17. People thought, it's a thing

that happens, but it'll go away on its own

and that will be the end of that.

Well, I'm 32, and it's still here.

I guess it's just here to stay.

Those who stutters develop coping tools.

I did many things that were kind of odd.

I would try to conceal it

I'd say things that... Sorry.

I would try to stay away from situations

where I knew that I'd have to talk

because I was so terrified of stuttering.

I'd change words because when you stutter,

you are keenly aware of of the words

that are going to give you some trouble.

Before saying the word, I'd quickly

think about a different word to say,

so I wouldn't stutter.

I came to know that stuttering and

the ways I was coping were taking over

both my personal and professional life,

so I decided to try to face this fear

by pursuing smaller opportunities to speak

in front of people. It sounds insane

but I'm the type of person who,

if I'm afraid to swim, I'm going to jump

in the deepe end and see what happens.

Hopefully, I don't drown. [Laughter]

When I began pursuing public speaking,

the views that I had of communication

drastically changed. Communication

is supposed to be an act of empathy.

The problem is that it definitely isn't.

To talk about communication,

we have to talk about conversations.

The way that we approach conversations is bad.

That's you and you come up with thing

that you want to tell people.

you have an idea. That's you.

That's the thing you want to tell people

and you get pumped about this idea.

You don't want to brag, but you think that

it could have legs. You're excited

about what you want to share.

You think about the thing,

about the words you want to use,

about how you want others to feel,

about how you want to feel while

you're explaining it. You tell it and

you expect them to be "wow", that was

the best idea I will ever hear in my life,

and they don't act like that.

They're like, "okay, great.

I have to go to lunch now."

You're confused as to why this person

isn't as excited as you are about the idea

that you think is so great.

The problem is you don't care about them.

You don't want to have a two-way

conversation. You want them to love

your idea the way Kanye loves Kanye.

[Laughter]

This self-focused approach

to communication is a breeding ground for

lackluster conversations and it can even

cause problems on teams.

What do you need to do,

and how do you fix the problem?

You need to think about the other person.

You need to be empathetic.

The reason why is because empathy

fuels connection, and if this is true,

then empathetic communication is going to

drive collaboration. When building teams,

or products, something that has to be

positive is the way you collaborate

as a collective. This presents a problem.

In 2016, the way we collaborate

is almost exclusively via

glowing screens, software and text.

Which is fine, there are benefits

to communicating in this way.

Teams have said that being able to talk

to each other via slack or twitter helps

sharing. It helps people feel connected

and to build a common ground.

The problem there is that,

when you are communicating exclusive

via text the empathy that you must

have to connect is oftentimes lost.

Technology is extremely helpful

but it can't replace the social aspect

of face-to-face communication.

Here is another truth.

Failures of communication can't just be

automated away. You have to confront

things face-to-face.

If you take away the technology,

cellphones, computers, software,

then what do you have left?

You have people. There's a second problem

People hate talking to each other

because talking is hard,

conversations are difficult, and

collaboration is extremely hard.

That's why collaboration does fail,

it's hard to talk to people sometimes.

Let's figure out why collaboration fail.

The biggest reasons are that people

are afraid of being wrong and

concerned they aren't going to be able

to communicate their thoughts and

opinions in a clear way.

The fear of being wrong

is the fear of being judged.

I can't tell you the times when I've had

an idea and wanted to share it,

but I was so consumed with the thought of

being judged, that I just remained silent.

Being misunderstood happens almost daily.

You are all highly technical people

and you work with nontechnical people.

Having to explain things can often end up

in frustration and irritation,

so it's just easier not to collaborate.

So how do we fix this?

First thing, you have to speak up,

and encourage people to do the same

because silence kills collaboration.

Hearing what another person has to say

doesn't make your thoughts.

and opinions any less valid.

All it does is enhance conversations.

Next thing is to think about the person

that you were talking to.

All of us are on didn't planes,

intellectually, emotionally, that's okay.

Speaking to people on their level

doesn't compromise your level.

Next thing is to think about the speaker.

When you're having a conversation where

the speaker is struggling while talking,

think back to hearing me speak now.

I know that it can be incredibly difficult

to completely understand what I try to say

and you have to be patient.

You have to really pay attention.

When you discuss your ideas

from a place of great empathy,

and you pay attention to others' ideas

from that same place,

you are going to create something

that is bigger and better than the things

you could have created by yourself,

that takes vulnerability.

It's the vulnerability to embrace silence

or to discuss the things that are going to be

an uncomfortable conversation,

and that also takes courage.

It takes the courage to listen to people

when they are struggling to communicate

the things that they're trying to say,

and the courage to embrace them

being vulnerable to you.

To be empathetic communicator,

you need to be courageous.

You need to be vulnerable and patient.

And that's going to be the foundation of a positive and effective team collaboration.
Thank you.

[Applause].

RYAN: Thank you for sharing your story with us.
We do have time for questions as well.

So if anybody have any questions they would like to pose.

>> AUDIENCE MEMBER: So I was really struck early on, you made the point about how people are often afraid to speak up because of either a fear of being wrong or they fear being misunderstood.
I wondered, which one of those two things Do I fear most.
I'm still wondering about that.
But when I was reflecting on that further, I realized, some of the biggest jerks that I've known, we're talking about geniuses, but quite often, jerks, who do feel of being wrong, but they don't care at all.
They deliberately choose their words to ensure they can't be wrong they have representations and they don't care about being misunderstood, they're leaving it up to the audience to misunderstand them.
Maybe they have legitimate reasons for behaving that way, but I'm source of curious.
I don't know what you think about this in terms of the kind of personalities that stops caring about whether their audience misunderstands them or not.

>> SHARON STEED: I'm pretty sure we call those people sociopaths.
Like, they don't feel.
They just don't care so they can live their lives in a way that doesn't like, yeah, like it doesn't matter if I hurt your feelings because I don't have feelings any way.
So, I mean, in terms of the personalities for, you know, people who do have feelings, I think those people are a lot more thoughtful, like, they think about the things that they are going to say.
And then they make sure the way they communicate them is going to both be positive, effective and it's probably not going to harm, you know, the other person.
Because it's that's also really important, too.
The way that we talk about things, and the way that we say things, has, you know, has a very large impact on the way that things are perceived.
And so yeah, I think those people that care, talk to people in the way that the person has to be spoken to.
Everybody else who's on the ends, you know, you probably don't really want to be talking to them any way, because they just don't care about your feelings.
Unless you have to go to work with them.
And then, you know, yeah.
I don't know.

>> RYANN.
Anyone have anymore questions?
Thank you very much.

>> SHARON STEED: Thank you.