Green Wing Series 1 Episode 1 (Caroline's First Day)

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Hello. It's Caroline Todd again.
It's now 7:09am.

That's 8˝ hours since you claimed you were
on your way home from the Pink Lagoon

and I'd have the keys
to my brother's house before midnight.

He said you were an unreliable neighbour,

but the man from number 37
has a big heart and a ladder.

So, as I was saying, the fuel consumption
on both models is fairly similar,

but the variable valve timing on the XK8
really helps acceleration at low speeds.

Gives you that extra bit of wallop.

In terms of litres, you can really do
what you want - 3.8, 3.9, it's your call.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but...

which one's gonna make me look young?

Well, neither.
They are both just cars.

I am starting a new job at 8:30
in a hospital.

I am dirty and exhausted.

People will possibly die as a result,
and you will be responsible.

You know I could damage you quite badly
for wasting my time?

Yeah.

Listen, thanks, anyway.
It was really kind of you for trying.

And you'll be paying for a locksmith.
All right?

Oh! Oh!
Erm... sorry.

Don't try and move your neck.
You'll be fine, I'm a doctor.

Uh-uh-uh!
I said don't move.

I don't know if you ever go to the Winners
Gym, but I'm there most Thursdays after six.

Right.

Morning.

- What happened...
- Don't say anything.

I got sperm in my eye.

Time to be off.

Get out of my way,
you great big piece of white shit!

I'm sorry, you can't.
We've gone over this many, many times.

- You cannot go through.
- Open the barrier.

Can you raise the barrier?
This is my first day...

I'm sorry.

Sorry to hear about your shower breaking.

Maybe you'd like me
to come and test it sometime.

- I didn't know you could plumb.
- Yes.

I know what you're doing, Rachel.

- Good morning.
- Hello.

- So, new doctor arriving today.
- So?

- Worried?
- Why?

- Female, apparently.
- It was a 50-50 chance.

- She might be very good.
- Let's hope so.

She might be stunningly attractive.

She could be tall,
incredibly tall, willowy.

She may be intelligent, but humble.

Men, women and small children
will fall in love with her instantly.

She might be Latin.
Olive skin, husky voice.

That'll be nice for everyone.

Put all these elements together,
what have we got?

We've got potentially,
today in this hospital,

a very tall, genius,
woman-of-the-people,

Überbabe, Latino chick
coming to work here.

- Will she be too tall to get through doors?
- No. She'll be the perfect height.

Good.
Well, that's all tickety-boo by me.

- So, not even a flicker?
- No.

- Not even the tiniest bit?
- No, no, no.

Cos jealousy is an ugly emotion
and only for the weak.

What I want you to do for me,
just once - try it. Pretend.

- Why? Because it turns you on?
- Yes. Please. For me.

If you see the new bitch, snap off her fingers,
burn her hair and pluck out her nipples!

Yes! Fanta...
How did you feel?

Dangerous? Liberating, yeah?
Orgasmic?

Exhilarating, in a dirty sort of way.

- Are you all right?
- Oh, yeah.

There's a new female doctor
coming today, so... That's all.

- Do you want to sign Kerry's birthday card?
- No, not really.

- Do you want to contribute to the present?
- No. Not really.

- Do you want to sign Kerry's birthday card?
- Yeah, all right.

- Do you want to contribute to the present?
- Who is Kerry?

No.

Kim, Kim, Kimmy,
Kim, Kim, Kim.

Wednesday's admissions list,
sooner rather than later.

- I'd like an updated meetings diary.
- Oh...

Still talking, Kim. Inform me
when the new surgical registrar arrives.

I'd like a chicken bhuna for one.
Book the car in for wheel alignment.

Can you call the Aztec Centre and tell them it
does not reduce puffiness? And coffee, please.

- Have you gone blind?
- It's conjunctivitis.

I am so sorry I'm late. The traffic was
awful and I left in bags of time as well.

Oh, don't worry. If I had to do a school run,
I'd never get to work on time.

Come on, back in the car.
Off to school.

Here we come.
No time to chase you.

Ouch!

What can I do for you this time,
Dr Statham?

- I'd like a new badge, please.
- What happened to the old one?

I've still got it. I'm sorry to report
it's been vandalised by some bloody bastards!

- In what way?
- Rather not talk about it.

If you don't,
I can't order you a new one.

And wh-where does it say that
in the regulations?

There.

All right. Erm...

Somebody has used a marker pen
to make some alterations.

The badge should read "Dr Alan Statham",
next line "Consultant Radiologist".

On "consultant", they've blacked out
the letters "o-n-s" and "l-t-a".

I see. So that would in fact leave...

... a C, a U, an N and an...

- Yes, yes, exactly.
- Oh, I see.

So your badge now reads: Alan Statham,

- Cun...
- Yes. That's what it's been changed to.

- Again?
- Yes, again.

Well, all right, I'll see what I can do.

It's gonna take a couple of weeks
to order a new one.

What am I going to do in the meantime?

I suggest you black out
the bits you don't want.

Well, th-that...
Right, I will.

I'd lose the second line
rather than the first.

- What?
- Just trying to help!

Is that for me?

Thanks very much there.
Thank you.

Sweet.

Mmm.

Oh, that's, erm...

That's quite interesting.
What is that?

- You don't know?
- I found it in my bed.

Would you say you're Asian?
It would really help my end-of-year quotas.

It's a bit hard to tell in this light,
but I think we might get away with it.

Come on, come on, come on.

Staff Liaison ought to be here
to sort out your bits and bobs.

Talking of bits and bobs, I do have
a bit of an accommodation problem...

A curious smell.
Sort of, erm, toiletty.

- Have you been to a festival?
- I had to spend the night in my car, so...

Ah, walk and talk.

This is the same gall bladder,

and here we can see
the small object has become dislodged

and is now down here.

This is what I like to call the...
Mick Jagger effect,

because it is essentially
a rolling stone.

- Which is a joke. You may laugh.

You're not laughing, Mr Boyce.

- That's because it wasn't funny.
- Yes, it was.

Not really.

- I'll be the judge of that.
- You can't be the judge.

You don't find it funny because you know
very little about imaging techniques.

When you've had as much experience
as I have, you will find it funny.

- I doubt it.
- Hm?

Hm?

You can't make me laugh by poking me.

Well, just...

heed me. Hm?

..and Radiology.

Sorry to interrupt you, I wanted to introduce
the new surgical registrar, Doctor Caroline...

- Caroline Todd.
- Dr Alan Statham, consultant radiologist.

Welcome to the lunatic asylum.

You don't have to be mad to work here
but it helps.

Well, no, come on. Hang on, now.
The doctors aren't mad here.

I mean, that certainly wouldn't be allowed,
not at my level.

But we are an equal opportunities employer,
so there might be some ancillary workers,

or even some clerical staff,
who might be considered a bit...

Dear God! We'll have to be moving along.

So sorry to have disturbed... you!

- I'm like a loaded catapult.
- I can't talk right now.

Have you seen them? The juniors,
the students, Martin, Boyce, all of them?

- Yeah, what about them?
- Well, a new woman turns up.

A frankly pretty ordinary woman,
and they're all like bees round a honeypot.

- No. No, bees make honey, don't they?
- Yeah. So?

Yeah, so why are bees bothering
with a pot of honey? Yeah?

Why not stay back at the hive, where
there's as much honey as they could have?

Why flap all the way down to
the supermarket, or somebody else's house,

or wherever this honeypot is,
when there's plenty of honey at home?

- Well, flies round a honeypot.
- Flies prefer shit.

Well, wasps. The fact is, it makes men
look like a sad, desperate species.

So you probably think that it would be better
if everybody was a little bit more like you.

- Well, yeah.
- Yeah. Well, no.

Because then, of course,
there would be a great surge in lesbianism.

Bet you can't head-butt that sign.

Yeah, well, that was actually
quite an easy one.

Nice.

No, no, no, but it is funny.
You do see that, don't you?

Well, it makes sense,
a rolling stone.

Yes, thank you. I thought
I was going mad for a minute.

You see, Dr Macartney,
some people do have a sense of humour.

Sorry, I'm with Boycie on this one.
Angela was being polite.

Yes, well, who asked you, anyway?

I think you did,
about two minutes ago.

Ooh! Erm...

Any news on the other thing?

- What other thing?
- Whether moustaches are back in fashion.

No? No news? You'll keep me posted?

I'll let you know when they find a blonde with
more than two brain cells to rub together.

Not you.

Or you. Obviously you've got lots.
Well done.

But you, Dr Macartney,
are about as intelligent

as a gracilis myocutaneous flap
on a perineal hernia repair.

- Banter.
- Sorry, sorry.

Was that a comeback? I didn't hear it,
I was about 20 yards down the corridor,

but Emma said something about
you were talking to a lightbox?

- Shall I report that earring?
- If I can report the moustache.

Most women find
male body-piercing repugnant.

I, thankfully, am completely intact.

Even I draw the line
at piercing arseholes.

Exactly.

Ju...

- Banter?
- Yes.

When you're ready, Martin.

Well, erm...

the patients don't like me.

Really? Anything else?

- No.
- Good.

Well, don't hesitate to pop in again
if there are any other worries.

What, is that it?

- Will you go out with me?
- No. Get out.

Oh, I love the smell of formaldehyde.

I must say, you're not as young
as I thought you'd be.

Oh, my sainted lord in heaven,
what is this bollocks?

Val two.

I thought I said
no more fucking rainbows!

Yeah, over my rotting cadaver. I'd rather
stick pins in my eyes. Can you deal with it?

Sit!

- Walkie-talkies aren't allowed in hospitals.
- It's a talking pager.

It's a walkie-talkie. They're dangerous.
They could interfere with vital equipment.

Dangerous? And I suppose a flood,
or a patient on fire,

or an outbreak of AIDS
isn't dangerous, hm?

Just seeing how you deal with stress.

Yeah. Give him some Calpol.

Calpol.

Yeah, it's in the cupboard
next to the Bob the Builder pasta.

OK.

Paola, put him on to me.

Hello, little man.

Hello! Have you got a hurty tummy?
Have you?

Where does it hurt?
Oh, poor little poops...

Na-na na na-na!
Me-me-me-me-me-me.

Oh, just grow up!

Paola?

Can you send someone
to fix the printer?

It's jammed.

It is quite urgent.

Yeah. Thanks.

Bye.

Ow.

Is this right for, erm... ID tags?

Oh, one sec. I'll do it myself.
Security always chops heads off.

Any chance you brought a photo?

- Er, no. Should I have?
- No, no. No problem. I can work with this.

Just pop yourself up against
the white wall for me, would you?

Gosh! Aren't we a pale Janet?

And smile.

Wait. No, wait.
No, sorry.

I haven't got the right face on.

No, wait. Hold on.
Erm, sorry... Er...

Can we do a kind of
three-quarter profile?

My hair's not really enjoying
a full-frontal approach.

Three, two, one.

I think that's a winner.

- I bet you can't eat the coffee.
- Why should I want to eat it?

- Eat the coffee!
- No!

- You can't.
- I probably could.

- So eat it.
- No. You eat the coffee.

- All right, I'll eat it.
- Go on, then.

- I will.
- Go on, eat the coffee.

- All right. I'm going to eat the coffee.
- Let's see you, then.

Jesus!

- I'm eating the coffee.
- You are, aren't you?

- Mm, I'm eating the coffee.
- You are eating the coffee.

- You ate the expensive coffee.
- I have.

Yeah, well done.

- Do you know what all of that means?
- Uh-uh.

That means that you won.

Hmm... Ugh!

I mean, I look like a moose in that one.

So, I mean...
Well, that's a security risk.

Do you think
we could just have one more go?

Right. Tea.

Tea is horrible.

Please, please, please.

Well, I may not
be in the mood tonight.

Perhaps if your girlfriend
hadn't cocked up the mural.

But I'm a firework.
I'm primed and ready to go off.

Then I shall retire to a safe distance
and possibly wear protective clothing.

I'm not wearing any pants...
So there it is, when...

No! Thank you, sir.
Yes. Goodbye to you.

It's 41 feet of freedom.
I guarantee it will change your life.

It gives you the chance to breathe.

It's moored on the Hamble.

I get travel-sick. Sorry.

- Ugly.
- What? She was gorgeous.

Ugly. Deep down inside, ugly.

I've never really even touched
anyone that attractive.

- I don't mind you touching my arm.
- It's not quite the same, is it?

Ohh! Path Lab alert!

Rachel, where's the handout
for the meeting?

- I haven't photocopied it yet.
- Why not?

Oliver's using the photocopier. He's doing
500 fliers for some party he's organised.

He's using office equipment
for his own personal use?

Yeah.

Go and kick him.

OK, I'll pretend I'm a woman and you come
up to me, give me your best line.

Right, OK. Best line.

- Hi, what's your name?
- Rubbish!

Right. No.
More adventurous. Right.

- Do you... do you like swimming?
- Pathetic. Get over there.

Look, two things women want, OK?
Money and protection.

- I've got a helmet and a credit card, so...
- Right. Why don't you shut up for a second?

You be the woman and I'm...
OK, ready?

Yeah, I'll see you in Zurich.

I've seen you and I'm so astonished
by your beauty, I can't speak. Try it.

- Why Zurich?
- Because it sounds jet-setty.

Because I've actually been to Katwijk.
It's in Holland.

Get on with it.

Yeah, hello, Mum.
I'm in Zurich...

You're not in Zurich.

- What... what is that?
- I'm looking. You're beautiful.

- You've caught me.
- I caught that you've got a coated tongue.

- What are you doing now?
- I'm just trying some looks.

Well, that's a look. You look like you've had
your head beaten against a rock 15 times.

- Now, please.
- What?

Kick him, kick him, kick him.

Argh!

Fuck! That really hurt!
What did you do that for?

- Joanna told me to. Sorry.
- It's all right.

I guess you're just
following orders. Erm...

I just... erm... wondered if you'd like
to come out for a drink with me sometime?

Erm... OK.

Oh! And just so you know,
I always fuck on the first date.

OK.

You're a doctor, for God's sake! You don't
have to be good-looking or charismatic.

- Women love it, especially foreign girls.
- Foreign ladies.

Especially Eastern Europeans. They always
look sad, which gives it a certain something.

Next you'll be telling me
they're queuing up for threesomes.

- Threesomes are totally overrated.
- Yeah, sure!

They are! When you've done the deed, it's just
one more hairy Mary prattling on in your ear.

Who can be arsed with that?
Not me, for one.

Go and have a wank in the cupboard.
I won't tell anyone. Have a hand-shandy.

- Martin's having a wank in the cupboard!
- I'm not. I'm not.

Sorry, it's just chocolate.
Chocolaty fingers.

Ah, Dr Macartney!
Sorry to intrude, I know you're busy,

but this is Henry's new
surgical registrar, Caroline Todd.

- This is Doctor Macartney.
- Hi, Mac. Call me Mac. Hi.

- Hi. Any relation to... ?
- Ringo Starr? No.

Impeccable timing. We're a pair of hands
down on a routine hernia operation.

Whoa! She hasn't had her pager yet.

Then she won't be paged
during the operation.

- What about her ID tags?
- Yeah, I can vouch for her ID.

You definitely look like a doctor.

Yeah, dilated pupils, no sense of humour
and... What do you smell of?

Is that minicabs?

- He's terrible!
- OK, let's go.

- Go on, go on.
- Come on.

OK, let's sew this mother up.

Sorry if I seem a bit stressed out.
I didn't sleep very well last night.

Mind you, I did have
a rather disturbing lesbian dream.

Bingo.

- Would you like to talk about that?
- I don't really remember it.

- Well, make it up.
- Positions, numbers?

- Were they shaved?
- Yeah, were they shaved?

Perhaps I could have another one,
take a few notes, and bring them in for you.

- Can you draw?

Your shoes are ringing.

- It might be a lesbian.

- Or the mothership.
- Mum, stop phoning me at work.

For a tenner,
name me five famous lesbians.

- Joan of Arc, Boadicea...
- Boudicca.

Boudicca and
the Brontë sisters.

- You can't have the Brontë sisters.
- OK. Martina Navratilova, kd lang and...

Yes, I'll have him put down.

- The queen of Lesbos.
- A name would be good.

- Cassandra. Cassandra, yeah.
- Cassandra?

Yeah.

- Top-up time. How long do you need?
- Five minutes, thank you very much.

Bet you can't do it in three.

- God, how much do you need for lunch?
- I'm food-combining.

Crispy duck, shredded lettuce,
rich plum sauce wrap and banana milkshake.

- How can you eat duck? That's so mean.
- I spent half my childhood feeding them.

- What you got, Karen?
- Luncheon meat.

- Oh, God!
- My friend made them.

Friend? Male or female?

Male.

So you're saying
a man made your sandwiches this morning?

- Yep.
- Well, what's his name?

- Tim.
- Tim? God!

- So is he your boyfriend?
- Don't know.

- Don't know? Well, have you slept with him?
- Slept, yes.

- God! Karen and sex.
- Not sex.

- Not sex.
- No.

He thinks we're not sexually compatible.

We just lie together naked.

I am starving.

- They never give you decent portions here.
- No, they do. You just have to be nice.

If you flatter them, you'll have more food
on your plate that you can ever deal with.

How do you flatter a woman like that?

'Nice overall".
"Ooh, what an alluring scent of fat".

- "I've always admired career women".
- Yeah, that'll do.

- What can I get you, love?
- Hello. Hello.

Well... Oh, crikey,
the chilli looks fantastic, as ever.

The steak and kidney pie also looks
tremendous. You're spoiling us today.

- I can do you a bit of both.
- Could you? That would be brilliant.

- Chips and peas?
- Yes, please. Brilliant.

These are the best chips in the whole country.
Superb chips.

Always nice to have a little bit
of glamour while you're dining.

- There you go.
- Thank you very much.

- You have a fantastic day, now.
- I will. Same to you, my love. Ta-ta.

I'll have the same as him,
please... my darling.

- We're out of chilli.
- You're joking!

You only started serving 20 minutes ago.
That is unbelievable!

Never mind, I'll have
some of that scrumptious-looking pie

and some chips and peas... please.

Great chips, he said,
and, er, I love chips.

Mmm.

You're looking very...

... fit.

Is that it?

Pikey! The earrings
are a dead giveaway.

I was going to say, "See you around",
but I don't hang out in gutters.

And when I said you were looking fit,
I meant "fat".

I think you should...
bring packed lunches from now on.

- Oh, yes!
- What?

- Thank you.
- What?

Mark Burgess sells fridges. Yes!

- Who? Who's Mark Burgess?
- Mark Burgess?

Mark Burgess was school captain
of everything, and now he sells fridges.

It says, "I'm a regional deputy director
of a leading refrigerator manufacturer".

"I still have time for Sunday football
and the occasional round of golf".

Tosser! I win that one.

You win. How do you win, exactly?

I think doctors are better
than regional deputy directors.

"Hello, Mark, what do you do?"
"I sell fridges. What do you do, Martin?"

"I'm a doctor".
Thank you. "Captain that, you flidoid".

I think you've got a few
unresolved conflict issues there.

- Oh, you're joking!
- What?

- Adam Ross is a pilot.
- Bastard! Who's Adam Ross?

- He was my best friend. Now he's a pilot.
- Shit!

- Pilots are better than doctors, aren't they?
- Yeah.

No, they're not.
Anyway, for all you know, people exaggerate.

He could be a lonely alcoholic with diseases.
People exaggerate, don't they?

That's true, yeah.
Yeah, he could, he could.

Nobody buys a jet ski.
You hire them, you tosser.

How are you going to get it there?

No, trust me. No airline in the world
will let you take a jet ski.

Look, I'm going to call you back.
See you in Zurich.

- Are you all right there?
- I'm just getting a change of clothing.

- Need a hand?
- I can manage to get dressed by myself.

- I meant with the bike. Brrrm.
- Yeah, I know you did.

- Impulse buy, was it?
- I will use it...

- Do you always carry so much stuff around?
- I can't get into my house until tomorrow!

My life is in this car.

I haven't got anything to "honk" with.

- What?
- Your sticker. "Honk me to bonk me".

Oh, God, no. That's not my sticker.

It's not my car. I borrowed it
from a friend cos it takes more stuff.

- I'm Caroline, by the way.
- I know.

Oh, God. You weren't there, were you?

- Anaesthetist?
- Guy Secretan. It's Swiss.

Ah!
Cuckoo clocks, no beaches.

Theft of Jewish gold
after the fall of Nazi Germany.

- Sorry, I expect everyone says that.
- No. So, where will you sleep tonight?

- Between the wine rack and the lava lamp?
- I'm working on it. There'll be a hotel.

You own a hotel?
Bloody hell!

No, it's a flat.
It's my flat. You can stay there.

- At your flat?
- Don't worry, I'm on nights. I won't be there.

- It's a spare room, clean sheets.
- No, I can't...

- I use Bounce. Toblerone in the fridge.
- I couldn't...

- Barry White.
- In the fridge?

He's very sweaty otherwise.

- Yes?
- I am quite tempted.

- How tempted out of ten? Out of 12?
- I said...

You've got a lovely smile
when you do that.

- When I what?
- When you smile.

I've got a lovely smile when I smile?

- Sally Dawson works for Asda. Thank you!
- Yes!

She wouldn't kiss me at school
and now she works for Asda.

- That is poetic justice.
- Yes.

You want a career,
you've got to get with Martin Dear.

But only if you're a lady,
cos I'm not queer. That's a rap.

My name is ooh!
My name is ooh!

My name is Martin!

I've got to go.

"Martin Dear. I'm a senior doctor
at a large teaching hospital

but I still find time to spend with my young
Brazilian wife and two beautiful children,

not to mention my collection
of classic British sports cars". You twat!

I'm going. I just came
to get this bit of paper.

Oi, twat!

What? What's the matter?

I haven't had sex since Oscar was born,

then, last night,
Ian touched my boob during Frost

and then his mother phoned
in the middle of it and interrupted.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, don't be.

I had a twinge down there.
It was wonderful!

Fucking Mac gets to
the fucking canteen before me,

takes all the fucking jelly and hides it
because he knows I fucking like it!

What are you going to fucking do about it?

You can have mine.

This doesn't mean that it's over.

- That fucker's gonna get it!
- Get out.

- What?
- Out.

Wanker.

I wasn't prying. I didn't... You were...

I'm not even...
I don't know what you're doing.

- I'm just weighing my breast.
- Right.

That's 1.2kg. So if I was gonna post it
in the UK, that would be Ł4.56,

or to Europe, Ł6.12.

- Have you got anything you want to weigh?
- No, no, no. Just...

- What, you mean my penis?
- You could do, I suppose.

See how much it would be to post.

- I'd say 28p, UK, or 68p, Australia.
- 28p!

- That's light.
- Right.

- But if you want to pop it on the scales...
- No, cos I'm gonna...

I've got scales at home.
I'll weigh it on them.

- What are you doing, anyway?
- I'm lurking about.

I'm not...

Hey, maybe you and your 1.2kg
would like to come out for a drink...

- No.
- No.

Right.

- No! No, no, no!
- She asked me to deal with it.

- If you just wait.
- I haven't got time for this, Dr Statham.

It will free up more of your time
if you just leave it to me to deal with it.

I was only following
Joanna's instructions.

- Yes, and I am only trying to help!
- Well, let me handle it.

Patient welfare is my responsibility.

- Exactly, and this is a wall, not a patient!
- The wall affects the patient psychologically.

- No, I haven't got time for this, I'm afraid.
- I'll deal with it.

- Did you just push me?
- No. It wasn't a push.

- You did. You pushed me.
- No, it wasn't a push. It was just a...

- Sorry, that...
- Are you all right, Suse?

- He just pushed me.
- No. Dr Hunter, it wasn't a push.

- Did you just push her?
- No, she was trying to squeeze past.

- But did you actually push her?
- No, as I say...

It-it-it wasn't so much a push,
it was... it was actually self-defence.

- Self-defence?
- He pushed me twice.

- He does hit people.
- You can go away!

- Did you just push her twice?
- That was just merely a demonstration...

- Of what?
- Well, of the first p... p... pat.

- "Pat"?
- By "pat", you mean "push".

- No!
- Yes.

When people are bullied,
it often creates a cycle of violence.

Need I remind everybody
that I have seniority?

- So why do you behave like a five year-old?
- I heard that!

- Did you just touch my squirrel?
- No!

The point is...

I am so sorry. I hear
they're keeping you in for mild observation.

It's probably only concussion,
but if there's anything I can do.

Sorry.

Hi. Just so as you're not
out of step with everybody else,

in this hospital very few of us give presents
to the patients at the end of the day.

Obviously, it is your decision, but apart
from anything else, it will cost you a fortune.

God knows, I know,
it's so easy to get involved.

Get off me! I know this man.

He tried to break
into my brother's house.

Right. Thank you.
That makes everything a lot clearer. Thanks.

Martin, Consuela called.
Left a message, urgent.

- Who?
- Consuela. Your young Brazilian wife.

Something about
your 1957 Jaguar being delivered.

- Ow.
- Martin!

- See this? Is that your signature?
- Yeah, it is.

Can't really do smiley faces
on death certificates.

It does look a little bit insensitive, OK?

Do you want to just sort that?
Thanks, mate.

I think we'll have time
to sort that out at the meeting.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I'll fix that. Bye.

Is Aphrodite in for her Apollo?

- I'm up to my neck in vacancy...
- Yes, well, there's the pen.

I do beg your pardon.

So, erm...

- Yeah. Sort it yourself. If you could...
- Good. That's more or less...

- I think you've covered it.
- Yes, I think, and perhaps further...

- Fine.
- As it were.

Erm, well, a friend of mine is having
a relationship with another friend of mine,

and the, er, second friend
doesn't want anybody to know.

And the first friend, erm,
wants to shout from the rooftops:

"I love you! I need you!" ... Her.

Obviously the first friend would, I think,
prefer something a little more reciprocal.

And, erm...
so this leads to...

... a great deal of frustration.

Right.

Well...

Have you discussed it with Joanna?

Is that...
Good heavens, there's a grebe. Is it?

No. No, a tufted duck, I think, perhaps.

Redshank. Erm...

Fuck off!

Oh, yes, that seems
to be working very well.

- Hello, Li-Li.
- Hello, angel.

- Did you have a good day?
- Very good. You?

- Yeah, I had a good day. I missed you.
- I missed you.

- I missed you. I missed you and your nose.
- Yeah, my nose misses you.

- I love your nose. Your little button nose.
- It's not that little.

A little button nose.
A little Ping-Pong ball on the end.

- Look. Boing, boing, boing, boing.
- Yes. Hmm.

Mnaaa!

Ba-na na-naa.

- That's better.
- Lovely little nose.

Yeah, more kisses.

- Sweetie little nose.
- But quite manly as well.

Little nose... You should get
the kink taken out of that.

Then it would be perfect.
Only cost you about a grand.

Come on. Let's go.

No, it's a flat.
It's my flat. You can stay there.

Guy Secretan. It's Swiss.

Clean sheets.

"There's Toblerone in the fridge".

Smack ma bitch up, smack...

Hello?

Hi.

- Hey!
- Hi, Guy.

- Hi.
- You don't often come in here.

Yeah, that's cos it's full of people like you.
I'm killing time.

Can I have my usual, please?

Er... My usual pint of Guinness
that I usually have, because I love Guinness.

So that's...
Why are you killing time?

If I go back too early,
my prey can make another plan, and escape.

If I go back too late, she'll be asleep.
Timing is crucial.

That's fantastic.
I haven't a clue what you're on about.

- He's got prey.
- Really, has he?

- Fucking great, mate.
- Don't.

Go down, will you?

- So, tell me, why are you wearing a blouse?
- What?

- It's a blouse, isn't it?
- Fuck off! It's designer.

What, Laura Ashley?

- Are those roses?
- No.

- Well?
- It's a blouse.

- Blouse.
- Fuck!

- Blouson.
- You are a... ginger.

I am a fraise blonde.

Ugh! Oh, that's lovely.

- You'll get used to it.
- Yeah. One of my favourite drinks.

Can I have a Britvic chaser
with that, please?

Aaagh!

- You've got a super vagina.
- Thanks.

- So, you're supposed to say something.
- Why?

Well, you know, erm...

It's always me
saying nice things about you.

It might be nice
if you reciprocated.

All right. Erm...

Your, er...

No, sorry. I can't think of anything.

That's a joke.
Yes, I can see the funny side of that.

Seriously, it might be nice
to get a bit of feedback.

The same goes for our physical relationship.

I never get serviced, you know.
It's always me servicing you.

"Servicing"? Oh, God,
you make me sound like a Ford Mondeo.

- Do you think I need my exhaust checking?
- It might be nice

if I had my exhaust pipe
checked every now and again.

That wouldn't take long, would it?
That would be a job for Very Kwik-Fit.

That's... that's a joke,
er... Size, isn't it?

I don't know.
You tell me, you're the joke expert.

Yes, I know. I know.

Though, obviously, I am not concerned.

I have seen many a cock-cocky...

- I am a doctor.
- Yeah, a radiologist.

Well, I've seen quite a few.

What? X-rays?
Sort of pictures of cockies?

- How does it compare?
- To what?

A gherkin? A baseball bat? A Twiglet?

- Other people's.
- Oh, for heaven's sake!

Come on, I'm a grown-up,
I can take the truth.

All right. I'd say you're, erm...

slightly below average.

And you've got shit tits.

Hi, I'm back!
You won't believe the day I've had.

- I thought you were gonna be on nights.
- Spotty chin-skin or Ramadan?

Spotty chin skin.
Fancy a drink? I know I do.

- I thought you were gonna be on nights.
- So did I. It's such a boring story.

A little white wine or some Bollinger?
You look like a Bolly dolly.

- Oh, my ski pole...
- Don't touch that end.

- You're telling me how to hold a ski pole?
- No. I'm just confused.

Because you said you were gonna be
on nights, and you said you had a spare room.

The spare room has gone?

Phone the police. We're looking for a man
with a spare room and a bottle of Bollinger.

Look, you said you had a spare room
and you don't. That was a lie!

No, I've got a spore room.
I collect spores from all over the world.

I keep them in a drawer, actually.
In a spore drawer.

- I'm going.
- No, wait.

I'll tell you what. Let's have something to eat
and then we can talk.

- You've got...
- Get off!

How about some quails' eggs
with a little raspberry jus?

Just stop it! OK?

I have slept in my car,
I don't have a home, I smell.

I have had a traumatic first day at work.

I am in a strange man's flat,
who may be a psychopath,

and I have done the biggest monster
that won't go down!

- It won't go any further.
- I think I'm going to have to kill you.

- I'm going.
- No, no. I'll tell you what. I'll go.

- But-But it's your flat.
- No. No "but-buts". I'll go.

And if you need anything, just yell.

You can actually whisper under the door,
cos I'll just be there.

And is that a good smell
or a bad smell?

Oh, God.

Good night.

Shit!

You may be thinking
I'm comparing my penis to that of a corpse...

Hey, come on, guys. You know
we don't play British Bulldog in theatre.

If you want to mess around,
bugger off back to A&E.

- Can we try and be a bit more professional?
- There's a wasp!

Jesus!