What I learned from 100 days of rejection

When I was six years old,

I received my gifts.

My first grade teacher
had this brilliant idea.

She wanted us to experience
receiving gifts,

but also learning the virtue
of complimenting each other.

So she had all of us come
to the front of the classroom,

and she bought all of us gifts,

and stacked them in the corner.

And she said,

"Why don't we just stand here
and compliment each other?

If you hear your name called,

go and pick up your gift and sit down."

What a wonderful idea, right?

What could go wrong?

(Laughter)

Well, there were 40 of us to start with,

and every time I heard
someone's name called,

I would give out the heartiest cheer.

And then there were 20 people left,

and 10 people left,

and five left ...

and three left.

And I was one of them.

And the compliments stopped.

Well, at that moment, I was crying.

And the teacher was freaking out.

She was like, "Hey, would anyone say
anything nice about these people?"

(Laughter)

"No one?

OK, why don't you go
get your gift and sit down.

So behave next year --

someone might say
something nice about you."

(Laughter)

Well, as I'm describing this you,

you probably know
I remember this really well.

(Laughter)

But I don't know who felt worse that day.

Was it me, or the teacher?

She must have realized
that she turned a team-leading event

into a public [roast]
for three six-year-olds.

And without the humor.

You know, when you see people
get [roasted] on TV,

it was funny.

There was nothing funny about that day.

So that was one version of me,

and I would die to avoid
being in that situation again --

to get rejected in public again.

That's one version.

Then fast-forward eight years.

Bill Gates came to my hometown --

Beijing, China --

to speak,

and I saw his message.

I fell in love with that guy.

I thought, wow, I know
what I want to do now.

That night I wrote a letter to my family

telling them by age 25,

I will build the biggest
company in the world,

and that company will buy Microsoft.

(Laugther)

I totally embraced this idea
of conquering the world --

domination, right?

And I didn't make this up,

I did write that letter.

And hear it is --

(Laughter)

You don't have to read this through --

(Laughter)

This is also bad handwriting,

but I did highlight some key words.

You get the idea.

(Laughter)

So, that was another version of me:

one who will conquer the world.

Well, then two years later,

I was presented with the opportunity
to come to the United States.

I jumped on it,

because that was where
Bill Gates lived, right?

(Laughter)

I thought that was the start
of my entrepreneur journey.

Then, fast-forward another 14 years.

I was 30.

Nope, I didn't build that company.

I didn't even start.

I was actually a marketing manager
for a Fortune 500 company.

And I felt I was stuck;

I was stagnant.

Why is that?

Where is that 14-year-old
who wrote that letter?

It's not because he didn't try.

It's because every time I had a new idea,

every time I wanted to try something new,

even at work --

I wanted to make a proposal,

I wanted to speak up
in front of people in a group --

I felt there was this constant battle

between the 14-year-old
and the six-year-old.

One wanted to conquer the world --

make a difference --

another was afraid of rejection.

And every time that six-year-old won.

And this fear even persisted
after I started my own company.

I mean, I started my own
company when I was 30 --

if you want to be Bill Gates,

you've got to start
sooner or later, right?

(Laughter)

When I was an entrepreneur,

I was presented with
an investment opportunity,

and then I was turned down.

And that rejection hurt me.

It hurt me so bad that I wanted
to quit right there.

But then I thought,

hey, would Bill Gates quit
after a simple investment rejection?

Would any successful
entrepreneur quit like that?

No way.

And this is where it clicked for me.

OK, I can build a better company.

I can build a better
team or better product,

but one thing for sure:

I've got to be a better leader.

I've got to be a better person.

I cannot let that six-year-old
keep dictating my life anymore.

I have to put him back to his place.

So this is where I went online
and looked for help.

Google was my friend.

(Laughter)

I searched, "How do I overcome
the fear of rejection?"

I came up with a bunch
of psychology articles

about where the fear
and pain are coming from.

Then I came up with a bunch of "Ra-ra"
inspirational articles

about "Don't take it personally,
just overcome it."

Who doesn't know that?

(Laughter)

But why was I still so scared?

Then I found this website by luck.

It's called rejectiontherapy.com.

(Laughter)

Rejection Therapy was this game
invented by this Canadian entrepreneur.

His name is Jason Comely.

And basically the idea is for 30 days
you go out and look for rejection,

and every day get rejected at something,

and then by the end,

you desensitize yourself from the pain.

And I loved that idea.

(Laughter)

I said, "You know what?

I'm going to do this.

And I'll feel myself
getting rejected 100 days."

And I came up with my own rejection ideas,

and I will make a video blog out of it.

And so here's what I did.

This is what the blog looked like.

Day One ...

(Laughter)

Borrow $100 from a Stanger.

So this is where I went
to where I was working.

I came downstairs

and I saw this big guy
sitting behind a desk,

he looked like a security guard.

So I just approach him.

And I was just walking in --

that was the longest walk of my life --

just hair on the back
of my neck standing up,

I was sweating and my heart was pounding,

and I got there and said,

"Hey, sir, can I borrow $100 from you?"

(Laughter)

And he looked up,

he's like, "No."

(Laughter)

"Why?"

And I just said, "No?

I'm sorry."

Then I turned around and I just ran.

(Laughter)

I felt so embarrassed.

But because I filmed myself --

so that night I was watching
myself getting rejected,

I just saw how scared I was.

I looked like this kid
in "The Sixth Sense."

I saw dead people.

(Laughter)

But then I saw this guy.

You know, he wasn't that menacing.

He was a chubby, loveable guy,

and he even asked me, "Why?"

In fact he invited me to explain myself.

I could've said many things.

I could've explained,

I could've negotiated.

I didn't do any of that.

All I did was run.

I felt, wow, this is like
the microcosm of my life."

Every time I felt the slightest rejection,

I would just run as fast as I could.

And you know what?

The next day,

no matter what happens,

I'm not going to run.

I'll stay engaged.

Day Two: Request a "Burger Refill."

(Laughter)

It's when I went to burger joint,

I finished lunch,

and I went to the cashier and said,

"Hi, can I get a burger refill?"

(Laughter)

And he was all confused,

like, "What's a burger refill?"

(Laughter)

I said, "Well, it's just like a drink
refill but with a burger."

(Laughter)

And he said, "Sorry, we don't
do burger refill, man."

(Laughter)

So this is where rejection happened
and I could have run,

but I stayed.

I said, "Well, I love your burgers,

I love your joint,

and if you guys do a burger refill,

I will love you guys more."

(Laughter)

And he said, "Well, ok, I'll tell
my manager about it,

and maybe we'll do it,

but sorry we can't do this today."

Then I left.

And by the way,

I don't think they've
ever done burger refill.

(Laughter)

I think they're still there.

But, the life and death feeling

I was feeling the first time
was no longer there,

just because I stayed engaged --

because I didn't run.

I said, "Wow, great,

I'm already learning things.

Great."

And then Day Three:
Getting Olympic Doughnuts.

This is where my life
was turned upside down.

I went to a Krispy Kreme.

It's a doughnut shop in mainly the
Southeastern part of the United States.

I'm sure they have some here, too.

And I went in,

I said, "Can you make me doughnuts
that look like Olympic symbols?

Basically, you interlink
five doughnuts together ... "

(Laughter)

I mean there's no way
they could say yes, right?

The doughnut maker took me so seriously.

(Laughter)

So she put out paper,

started jotting down
the colors and the rings,

and is like, "How can I make this?"

And then 15 minutes later,

she came out with a box
that looked like Olympic rings.

(Laughter)

And I was so touched.

I just couldn't believe it.

And that video got over five
million views on Youtube.

The world couldn't believe that either.

(Laughter)

And because of that I was in newspapers,

in talk shows,

in everything.

And I became famous.

A lot of people started
writing emails to me,

and saying, "What you're
doing is awesome."

But you know, fame and notoriety
did not do anything to me.

What I really wanted to do was learn,

and to change myself,

so I turned the rest
of my 100 days of rejection

into this playground --

into this research project.

I wanted to see what I could learn.

And then I learned a lot of things.

I discovered so many secrets.

For example,

I found if I just don't run,

if I got rejected,

I could actually turn a no into a yes,

and the magic word is, "why."

So one day I went to a stranger's house,

I had this flower in my hand,

and I said --

knock on the door and said, "Hey,
can I plant this flower in your backyard?"

(Laughther)

And he said, "No."

But before he could leave I said,

"Hey, can I know why?"

And he said, "Well, I have this dog

that would dig up anything
I put in the backyard.

I don't want to waste your flower.

If you want to do this,

go across the street and talk to Connie.

She loves flowers."

(Laughter)

So that's what I did.

I went across and knocked
on Connie's door.

And she was so happy to see me.

(Laughter)

And then half an hour later,

there was this flower
in Connie's backyard.

I'm sure it looks better now.

(Laughter)

But had I left after
the initial rejection,

I would've thought,

well it's because the guy didn't trust me,

it's because I was crazy,

because I didn't dress up well --

I didn't look good.

It was none of those.

It was because what I offered
did not fit what he wanted.

And he trusted me enough
to offer me a referral --

using a sales term --

(Laughter)

I converted a referral.

Then one day --

and I also learned that I can
actually say certain things

and maximize my chance to get a yes.

So for example,

one day I went to a Starbucks,

and asked the manager,

"Hey, can I be a Starbucks greeter?"

He was like, "What's a Starbucks greeter?"

(Laughter)

I said, "Do you know
those Walmart greeters?

You know those people who say
"hi" to you before you walk in the store,

and make sure you
don't steal stuff, basically?

I want to give a Walmart experience
to Starbucks customers."

(Laughter)

Well, I'm not sure
that's a good thing, actually --

(Laughter)

Actually, I'm pretty sure
it's a bad thing.

(Laughter)

And he was like, "Oh" --

yeah, this is how he looked,

his name is Eric --

and he was like, "I'm not sure."

This is how he was hearing me.

"Not sure."

Then I ask him, "Is that weird?"

He's like, "Yeah, it's really weird, man."

(Laughter)

But as soon as he said that his
whole demeanor changed.

It's as if he's putting
all the doubt on the floor.

And he said, "Yeah, you can do this,

just don't get too weird."

(Laughter)

So for the next hour
I was the Starbucks greeter.

I said "hi" to every
customer that walked in,

and gave them holiday cheers.

By the way,

I don't know what
your career trajectory is,

don't be a greeter.

(Laughter)

It was really boring.

But then I found I could do this
because I mentioned,

"Is that weird?"

I mentioned the doubt that he was having.

And because I mentioned, "Is that weird?"
that means I wasn't weird.

That means I was actually
thinking just like him,

seeing this as a weird thing.

And again, and again,

I learned that if I mention
some doubt people might have

before I ask the question,

I gained their trust.

People were more likely to say yes to me.

And then I learned I could
fulfill my life dream ...

by asking.

I came from four generations of teachers,

and my grandma has always told me,

"Hey Jia, you can do anything you want,

but you'd be great if you
become a teacher."

(Laughter)

But I wanted to be an entrepreneur,

so I didn't.

But it has always been my dream
to actually teach something.

So I said, "What if I just ask,

and teach a college class?"

I lived in Austin at the time,

so I went to University
of Texas in Austin,

and knocked on professor's doors

and said, "Can I teach your class?"

Well, I didn't get anywhere
the first couple times.

But because I didn't run --

I kept doing it --

and on the third try,

the professor was very impressed.

He was like, "No one
has done this before."

And I came in prepared
with powerpoints and my lesson.

He said, "Wow, I can use this.

Why don't you come back in two months,

I'll fit you in my curriculum."

And two months later
I was teaching a class.

This is me --

you probably can't see,

this is a bad picture.

You know sometimes you get
rejected by lighting, you know?

(Laughter)

But wow --

when I finished teaching that class,

I walked out crying,

because --

I thought --

I could just fulfill my life dream
just by simply asking.

I used to think I have to accomplish
all these things --

have to be a great entrepreneur,

or get a PhD to teach --

but no, I just asked,

and I could teach.

And in that picture --

which you can't see --

I quoted Martin Luther King, Jr.

Why?

Because in my research I found
that people who really change the world,

who change the way we live
and the way we think,

are the people who were met
with initial and often violent rejections.

People like Martin Luther King, Jr.,

like Mahatma Ghandi,

Nelson Mandela,

or even Jesus Christ.

These people did not
let rejection define them.

They let their own reaction
after rejection define themselves.

And they embraced rejection.

And we don't have to be those people
to learn about rejection,

but in my case,

rejection was my curse --

was my boogeyman.

It has bothered me my whole life
because I was running away from it.

Then I started embracing it.

It turned out into the biggest
gift in my life.

I started teaching people how
to turn rejections into opportunities.

I use my blog,

I use my talk,

I use the book I just published,

and I'm even using technology to help
people overcome their fear of rejection.

When you get rejected in life,

when you are facing the next obstacle,

or next failure,

consider the possiblities.

Don't run.

If you just embrace them,

they might become your gifts as well.

Thank you.

(Applause)