A Talent Show Gone Wrong | Foil, Arms and Hog

Well, well, well your all very welcome along

to the Ballinclough community centre for this

The Annual Feis Ceol Talent Contest

Folks its a wonderful talent contest we have in store

for all of you wonderful people here

tonight

First up on the bill is an act that I'm

very much looking forward to seeing

Well they're a brother and sister

dance and rap duo

He'd prefer to be known as

the 'Ballinclough Badger'

What a ferocious beast!

and his adorable little sister

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Clara

Ah now.

Well isn't she delightful

whenever you're ready, you take it away

Here we go Clara

*Beat Boxing*

Ye can call me the Ballinclough Badger

I had to change my name anyways

Cause all the girls in the town call me Padraig

But all the lads in the town call me Virgin

Well, I should hope so

I say Ballinclough, ye say Badger

Ballinclough!

Audience: Badger

Ballinclough

Audience: Badger!

I say 'Badger', ye say 'Not a Virgin'

'Badger'

Audience: 'Not a Virgin'

Badger!

Audience: Not a Virgin

I'm definitely not a virgin okay so there

*Beatboxing*

Nobody tells me what to do

except mammy and granny

and uncle Seamus, who's back drinking

He is Clara

Oh no.

Ah that's very upsetting

How long was he off the drink Padraig?

Four days

Four days?

Oh that's atrocious

I know it's very sad

He's a powerful man all the same

I know he is yeah

And mam has Alopecia

Ohhhhhhhh

Oh, that's a nasty one

To be honest it was the last thing this family

at this moment in time

*Beatboxes*

The Gardaí, come up to me and say:

Hey Badger

Yeah?

I've forgotten

Clara! The denim jacket line

The Gardaí, come up to me and say:

Hey Badger

Yeah?!

It's gone again

Clara! 'Where'd you get the denim jacket'

denim jacket..

The Gardaí, come up to me and say:

WHERE'D YOU GET THE DENIM JACKET!

I look em up and down and say:

'Up Yours'.... in brackets

Oh no!!

Oh no, no, no

Stop that Clara!

That's very rude

That's a rude symbol to make

Padraig!

Padraig, you leave the mayor alone!

I'm sorry Seamus.

Stop that!

I wasn't doin it!

You WERE doin it

Padraig, you're still doin it now quit it

Come on, stop that

That's very rude

Ah Padraig now.

Padraig!

Padraig!

I'm ten

You're a messer, that's what you are alright?

Are you gonna stop that?

I'm gonna stop yeah

I won't do it again, scout's honour

In that case, we might to a quick interview

with you alright

So if you just step over here

and just look staight into that

television camera just there

we're just going to do a quick interview

Alright?

You can relax Padraig it's okay

Well not that much

Padraig you're...

em

No, no it's...

We're joined now with the

Ballinclough Badger

and Padraig, that was an absolutely

beautiful tune you had for us at the start

Yeah, thanks, that one's dedicated to all

the w***s and b*****s in Ballinclough

EXCUSE YOU!!

Excuse you for using that language

on this television programme

I'm a professional rapper!

You're a professional eejit Padraig

Now you're to cut that out

I've had it up to here with you alright?

Yeah, right

Right, now we're going to move on to your

beautiful sister's interview alright

So Clara please join

me over here yes?

N...n...no....

Oh folks, I think she's shy

Are ye shy pet are ye?

Stop...n...no

I will not stop!

Will I come over and get ya will I?

No, ye won't

Will I come over there and get ye?

Oooh I'm coming te get ye!

Here i come to get ya!

F**K OFF!!

WHAT!!

How dare you use that appalling language

That is an absolute disgrace

Now you're to come over this instant

young lady

Right this instant right now

I don't want to talk about this,

take my hand and come on

Clara.

Now, Clara, come on

Audience: Ahhhhhh

Oh no! well, i eh...

Ah there ya go, would ya look at ye

You're as pretty as a princess

Aren't ya?

Now come over here

We're going to do a little interview

with ya Clara

Isn't she gorgeous

Look at ye, don't you look absolutely

gorgeous

I'm a princess!

Oh, you are a princess

Who's your favourite Disney princess?

My little mermaid

My little mermaid?

Yeah

I think that's wrong

but that's okay

Now look darling

I should stay on script for Vicar Street

Yeah...don't..

Clara's on ritalin.

She is

Helps her think straight

Ah....yeah

Well you look absolutely gorgeous

Doesn't she look absolutely gorgeous folks?

*Audience cheer*

Oh look at that, they think you're a stunner

Now, we're all wonderin

Where in the name of Whizz Boppers

did you get such a beautiful

little bow in your hair there now

My mammy made the bow

Your mammy made the bow?

She must be a very talented mammy

There's mammy there

Is that? That's not your mammy

Mammy wants a hug!

Yeah!

Mammy wants a hug look

There it is!

Look at that

Ah yeah

Ah, well done mammy

You're very talented

and you wouln't notice the Alopecia at all

Not a bit of it!

Now, I believe you've one more tune

in store for us do ye?

YES

That's very exciting

and what's this one about?

This one's dedicated about my trip

to Dublin

Your trip to Dublin

Alright, well I'm very excited

you take it away

Whenever you are ready

Okay?

Right so.

*Beatboxing*

Will I do the dancing?

Yeah you do the ff'ing dancing

Sorry yeah

*Beatboxing*

I had to leave Ballinclough

or I'd be dead by twelve

so I went to Dublin to the capital

but it's not rapital!

No, Dublin is s***e here's why

What?

The Spire is s***e

The LUAS is s***e

Croke Park is s***e

Molly Malone is s***e

The Viking splash is s***e

The Book of Kells is s***e

Vicar Street's alright,

only jokin it's s***e.....

Whaa oohhh!!

Oh no!

No, no, no, no, no

That's not true

Now, stop that

Now, stop that guys

Stop that its not fair

It took us so long to get here!

Why would ya say that!

Finish up!

The ghost tour was s***e

I didn't go to the Guinness Storehouse

But Clara did

And she saaaaaaaaid

iiiiiitttttttt

was?

Where'd you get the denim jacket!

Ah Clara!