What I learned from 100 days of rejection | Jia Jiang | TEDxMtHood
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0:15 - 0:16Gifts.
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0:16 - 0:18What a wonderful thing.
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0:18 - 0:20Who can say "no"to them, right?
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0:22 - 0:23When I was six years old,
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0:23 - 0:25I received my gifts.
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0:25 - 0:29My first grade teacher
had this brilliant idea. -
0:29 - 0:32She wanted us to experience
receiving gifts -
0:32 - 0:36but also learning the virtue
of complimenting each other. -
0:37 - 0:40So she had all of us
come to the front of the classroom, -
0:40 - 0:43and she bought all of us gifts
and stacked them in the corner. -
0:43 - 0:44And she said,
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0:44 - 0:46"Why don't we just stand here
and compliment each other? -
0:46 - 0:48If you hear your name called,
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0:48 - 0:50go and pick up your gift and sit down."
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0:52 - 0:53What a wonderful idea, right?
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0:54 - 0:55What could go wrong?
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0:55 - 0:57(Laughter)
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0:57 - 0:59Well, there were 40 of us to start with,
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0:59 - 1:02and every time I heard
someone's name called, -
1:02 - 1:04I would give out the heartiest cheer.
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1:04 - 1:07And then there were 20 people left,
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1:07 - 1:09and 10 people left,
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1:09 - 1:10and five left ...
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1:11 - 1:12and three left.
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1:12 - 1:13And I was one of them.
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1:14 - 1:15And the compliments stopped.
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1:17 - 1:19Well, at that moment, I was crying.
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1:20 - 1:23And I didn't want to hear "gifts"anymore.
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1:24 - 1:25I didn't want compliments anymore,
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1:25 - 1:28I just wanted to get out of there
and sit down. -
1:28 - 1:31And the teacher was freaking out.
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1:31 - 1:34She was like, "Hey, would anyone
say anything nice about these people?" -
1:34 - 1:35(Laughter)
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1:35 - 1:38"No one? OK, why don't you
go get your gift and sit down. -
1:38 - 1:40So behave next year --
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1:40 - 1:42someone might say
something nice about you." -
1:42 - 1:44(Laughter)
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1:44 - 1:46Well, as I'm describing this you,
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1:46 - 1:48you probably know
I remember this really well. -
1:48 - 1:50(Laughter)
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1:51 - 1:53But I don't know who felt worse that day.
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1:53 - 1:55Was it me or the teacher?
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1:55 - 1:58She must have realized
that she turned a team-building event -
1:58 - 2:01into a public roast
for three six-year-olds. -
2:02 - 2:03And without the humor.
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2:03 - 2:05You know, when you see
people get roasted on TV, -
2:05 - 2:07it was funny.
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2:07 - 2:08There was nothing funny about that day.
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2:09 - 2:12So that was one version of me,
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2:12 - 2:16and I would die to avoid
being in that situation again -- -
2:16 - 2:18to get rejected in public again.
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2:18 - 2:20That's one version.
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2:20 - 2:22Then fast-forward eight years.
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2:22 - 2:24Bill Gates came to my hometown --
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2:24 - 2:26Beijing, China --
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2:26 - 2:27to speak,
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2:27 - 2:29and I saw his message.
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2:29 - 2:31I fell in love with that guy.
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2:31 - 2:34I thought, wow,
I know what I want to do now. -
2:34 - 2:36That night I wrote a letter to my family
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2:36 - 2:38telling them: "By age 25,
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2:38 - 2:41I will build the biggest
company in the world, -
2:41 - 2:43and that company will buy Microsoft."
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2:43 - 2:45(Laughter)
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2:45 - 2:47I totally embraced this idea
of conquering the world -- -
2:47 - 2:49domination, right?
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2:49 - 2:52And I didn't make this up,
I did write that letter. -
2:52 - 2:53And here it is --
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2:53 - 2:55(Laughter)
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2:55 - 2:57You don't have to read this through --
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2:57 - 2:59(Laughter)
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2:59 - 3:02This is also bad handwriting,
but I did highlight some key words. -
3:04 - 3:05You get the idea.
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3:05 - 3:07(Laughter)
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3:07 - 3:08So ...
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3:09 - 3:11that was another version of me:
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3:11 - 3:13one who will conquer the world.
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3:14 - 3:15Well, then two years later,
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3:15 - 3:19I was presented with the opportunity
to come to the United States. -
3:19 - 3:21I jumped on it,
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3:21 - 3:23because that was
where Bill Gates lived, right? -
3:23 - 3:24(Laughter)
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3:24 - 3:27I thought that was the start
of my entrepreneur journey. -
3:28 - 3:30Then, fast-forward another 14 years.
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3:30 - 3:31I was 30.
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3:31 - 3:34Nope, I didn't build that company.
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3:34 - 3:35I didn't even start.
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3:35 - 3:39I was actually a marketing manager
for a Fortune 500 company. -
3:39 - 3:41And I felt I was stuck;
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3:41 - 3:42I was stagnant.
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3:43 - 3:44Why is that?
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3:44 - 3:46Where is that 14-year-old
who wrote that letter? -
3:47 - 3:49It's not because he didn't try.
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3:49 - 3:52It's because every time I had a new idea,
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3:52 - 3:54every time I wanted to try something new,
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3:54 - 3:56even at work --
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3:56 - 3:58I wanted to make a proposal,
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3:58 - 4:01I wanted to speak up
in front of people in a group -- -
4:02 - 4:03I felt there was this constant battle
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4:03 - 4:06between the 14-year-old
and the six-year-old. -
4:06 - 4:08One wanted to conquer the world --
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4:09 - 4:10make a difference --
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4:10 - 4:12another was afraid of rejection.
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4:13 - 4:15And every time that six-year-old won.
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4:17 - 4:21And this fear even persisted
after I started my own company. -
4:21 - 4:24I mean, I started
my own company when I was 30 -- -
4:24 - 4:26if you want to be Bill Gates,
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4:26 - 4:28you've got to start
sooner or later, right? -
4:28 - 4:31When I was an entrepreneur,
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4:31 - 4:34I was presented
with an investment opportunity, -
4:34 - 4:36and then I was turned down.
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4:36 - 4:38And that rejection hurt me.
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4:38 - 4:42It hurt me so bad
that I wanted to quit right there. -
4:42 - 4:44But then I thought,
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4:44 - 4:48hey, would Bill Gates quit
after a simple investment rejection? -
4:48 - 4:51Would any successful
entrepreneur quit like that? -
4:51 - 4:52No way.
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4:52 - 4:54And this is where it clicked for me.
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4:54 - 4:56OK, I can build a better company.
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4:56 - 4:58I can build a better
team or better product, -
4:58 - 5:00but one thing for sure:
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5:00 - 5:02I've got to be a better leader.
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5:02 - 5:03I've got to be a better person.
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5:04 - 5:07I cannot let that six-year-old
keep dictating my life anymore. -
5:07 - 5:09I have to put him back in his place.
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5:10 - 5:13So this is where I went online
and looked for help. -
5:13 - 5:14Google was my friend.
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5:14 - 5:15(Laughter)
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5:15 - 5:18I searched, "How do I overcome
the fear of rejection?" -
5:18 - 5:21I came up with a bunch
of psychology articles -
5:21 - 5:24about where the fear
and pain are coming from. -
5:24 - 5:27Then I came up with a bunch
of "rah-rah" inspirational articles -
5:27 - 5:30about "Don't take it personally,
just overcome it." -
5:30 - 5:32Who doesn't know that?
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5:32 - 5:34(Laughter)
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5:34 - 5:36But why was I still so scared?
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5:36 - 5:38Then I found this website by luck.
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5:38 - 5:40It's called rejectiontherapy.com.
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5:40 - 5:43(Laughter)
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5:43 - 5:47"Rejection Therapy" was this game
invented by this Canadian entrepreneur. -
5:47 - 5:48His name is Jason Comely.
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5:49 - 5:54And basically the idea is for 30 days
you go out and look for rejection, -
5:54 - 5:56and every day get rejected at something,
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5:56 - 5:59and then by the end,
you desensitize yourself from the pain. -
6:00 - 6:02And I loved that idea.
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6:02 - 6:04(Laughter)
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6:04 - 6:06I said, "You know what?
I'm going to do this. -
6:06 - 6:09And I'll feel myself
getting rejected 100 days." -
6:09 - 6:11And I came up with my own rejection ideas,
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6:11 - 6:14and I made a video blog out of it.
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6:15 - 6:17And so here's what I did.
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6:17 - 6:20This is what the blog looked like.
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6:21 - 6:22Day One ...
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6:22 - 6:24(Laughter)
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6:24 - 6:27Borrow 100 dollars from a stranger.
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6:28 - 6:31So this is where I went
to where I was working. -
6:31 - 6:33I came downstairs
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6:33 - 6:35and I saw this big guy
sitting behind a desk. -
6:35 - 6:37He looked like a security guard.
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6:37 - 6:38So I just approached him.
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6:38 - 6:40And I was just walking
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6:40 - 6:42and that was the longest
walk of my life -- -
6:42 - 6:45hair on the back
of my neck standing up, -
6:45 - 6:47I was sweating and my heart was pounding.
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6:47 - 6:48And I got there and said,
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6:48 - 6:51"Hey, sir, can I borrow
100 dollars from you?" -
6:51 - 6:52(Laughter)
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6:52 - 6:54And he looked up, he's like, "No."
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6:55 - 6:56"Why?"
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6:57 - 6:59And I just said, "No? I'm sorry."
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6:59 - 7:01Then I turned around,
and I just ran. -
7:01 - 7:02(Laughter)
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7:03 - 7:05I felt so embarrassed.
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7:05 - 7:07But because I filmed myself --
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7:07 - 7:10so that night I was watching
myself getting rejected, -
7:10 - 7:12I just saw how scared I was.
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7:12 - 7:14I looked like this kid
in "The Sixth Sense." -
7:14 - 7:16I saw dead people.
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7:16 - 7:18(Laughter)
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7:18 - 7:19But then I saw this guy.
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7:19 - 7:21You know, he wasn't that menacing.
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7:21 - 7:23He was a chubby, loveable guy,
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7:23 - 7:27and he even asked me, "Why?"
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7:27 - 7:29In fact, he invited me to explain myself.
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7:29 - 7:31And I could've said many things.
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7:31 - 7:33I could've explained,
I could've negotiated. -
7:33 - 7:35I didn't do any of that.
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7:35 - 7:37All I did was run.
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7:38 - 7:41I felt, wow, this is like
a microcosm of my life. -
7:41 - 7:44Every time I felt the slightest rejection,
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7:44 - 7:46I would just run as fast as I could.
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7:46 - 7:47And you know what?
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7:47 - 7:49The next day, no matter what happens,
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7:49 - 7:51I'm not going to run.
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7:51 - 7:52I'll stay engaged.
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7:53 - 7:55Day Two: Request a "burger refill."
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7:55 - 7:57(Laughter)
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7:57 - 7:59It's when I went to a burger joint,
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7:59 - 8:01I finished lunch,
and I went to the cashier and said, -
8:02 - 8:03"Hi, can I get a burger refill?"
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8:03 - 8:05(Laughter)
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8:05 - 8:08He was all confused,
like, "What's a burger refill?" -
8:08 - 8:09(Laughter)
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8:09 - 8:13I said, "Well, it's just like
a drink refill but with a burger." -
8:13 - 8:15And he said, "Sorry,
we don't do burger refill, man." -
8:15 - 8:17(Laughter)
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8:17 - 8:21So this is where rejection happened
and I could have run, but I stayed. -
8:21 - 8:23I said, "Well, I love your burgers,
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8:23 - 8:24I love your joint,
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8:24 - 8:26and if you guys do a burger refill,
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8:26 - 8:28I will love you guys more."
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8:28 - 8:29(Laughter)
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8:29 - 8:32And he said, "Well, OK,
I'll tell my manager about it, -
8:32 - 8:35and maybe we'll do it,
but sorry, we can't do this today." -
8:35 - 8:36Then I left.
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8:36 - 8:38And by the way,
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8:38 - 8:40I don't think they've
ever done burger refill. -
8:40 - 8:42(Laughter)
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8:42 - 8:43I think they're still there.
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8:44 - 8:47But the life and death feeling
I was feeling the first time -
8:47 - 8:48was no longer there,
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8:48 - 8:50just because I stayed engaged --
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8:50 - 8:52because I didn't run.
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8:52 - 8:54I said, "Wow, great,
I'm already learning things. -
8:55 - 8:56Great."
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8:56 - 8:58And then Day Three:
Getting Olympic Doughnuts. -
8:59 - 9:02This is where my life
was turned upside down. -
9:03 - 9:04I went to a Krispy Kreme.
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9:04 - 9:05It's a doughnut shop
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9:06 - 9:08in mainly the Southeastern part
of the United States. -
9:08 - 9:10I'm sure they have some here, too.
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9:10 - 9:11And I went in,
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9:11 - 9:14I said, "Can you make me doughnuts
that look like Olympic symbols? -
9:14 - 9:17Basically, you interlink
five doughnuts together ... " -
9:17 - 9:20I mean there's no way
they could say yes, right? -
9:20 - 9:23The doughnut maker took me so seriously.
-
9:23 - 9:24(Laughter)
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9:24 - 9:25So she put out paper,
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9:25 - 9:27started jotting down
the colors and the rings, -
9:27 - 9:29and is like, "How can I make this?"
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9:29 - 9:31And then 15 minutes later,
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9:31 - 9:35she came out with a box
that looked like Olympic rings. -
9:35 - 9:36And I was so touched.
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9:36 - 9:38I just couldn't believe it.
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9:38 - 9:42And that video got
over five million views on Youtube. -
9:43 - 9:45The world couldn't believe that either.
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9:45 - 9:48(Laughter)
-
9:48 - 9:51You know, because of that
I was in newspapers, -
9:51 - 9:53in talk shows, in everything.
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9:53 - 9:54And I became famous.
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9:54 - 9:56A lot of people
started writing emails to me -
9:56 - 9:59and saying, "What you're
doing is awesome." -
9:59 - 10:02But you know, fame and notoriety
did not do anything to me. -
10:02 - 10:04What I really wanted to do was learn,
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10:04 - 10:05and to change myself.
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10:06 - 10:08So I turned the rest
of my 100 days of rejection -
10:08 - 10:10into this playground --
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10:10 - 10:12into this research project.
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10:12 - 10:14I wanted to see what I could learn.
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10:15 - 10:17And then I learned a lot of things.
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10:17 - 10:18I discovered so many secrets.
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10:18 - 10:21For example, I found if I just don't run,
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10:21 - 10:22if I got rejected,
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10:22 - 10:24I could actually turn a "no" into a "yes,"
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10:24 - 10:26and the magic word is, "why."
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10:26 - 10:30So one day I went to a stranger's house,
I had this flower in my hand, -
10:30 - 10:32knocked on the door and said,
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10:32 - 10:34"Hey, can I plant this flower
in your backyard?" -
10:34 - 10:35(Laughter)
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10:35 - 10:37And he said, "No."
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10:38 - 10:40But before he could leave I said,
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10:40 - 10:42"Hey, can I know why?"
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10:42 - 10:45And he said, "Well, I have this dog
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10:45 - 10:47that would dig up
anything I put in the backyard. -
10:48 - 10:49I don't want to waste your flower.
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10:49 - 10:52If you want to do this,
go across the street and talk to Connie. -
10:52 - 10:54She loves flowers."
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10:54 - 10:55So that's what I did.
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10:55 - 10:57I went across and knocked
on Connie's door. -
10:57 - 10:59And she was so happy to see me.
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10:59 - 11:01(Laughter)
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11:01 - 11:02And then half an hour later,
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11:02 - 11:04there was this flower
in Connie's backyard. -
11:04 - 11:05I'm sure it looks better now.
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11:05 - 11:07(Laughter)
-
11:07 - 11:10But had I left
after the initial rejection, -
11:10 - 11:11I would've thought,
-
11:11 - 11:13well, it's because
the guy didn't trust me, -
11:13 - 11:14it's because I was crazy,
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11:14 - 11:17because I didn't dress up well,
I didn't look good. -
11:17 - 11:18It was none of those.
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11:18 - 11:21It was because what I offered
did not fit what he wanted. -
11:21 - 11:23And he trusted me enough
to offer me a referral, -
11:23 - 11:25using a sales term.
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11:25 - 11:26I converted a referral.
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11:27 - 11:28Then one day --
-
11:28 - 11:31and I also learned that I can
actually say certain things -
11:31 - 11:33and maximize my chance to get a yes.
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11:33 - 11:36So for example,
one day I went to a Starbucks, -
11:36 - 11:39and asked the manager,
"Hey, can I be a Starbucks greeter?" -
11:39 - 11:42He was like, "What's a Starbucks greeter?"
-
11:42 - 11:44I said, "Do you know
those Walmart greeters? -
11:44 - 11:47You know, those people who say
'hi' to you before you walk in the store, -
11:47 - 11:49and make sure you
don't steal stuff, basically? -
11:49 - 11:53I want to give a Walmart experience
to Starbucks customers." -
11:53 - 11:54(Laughter)
-
11:54 - 11:57Well, I'm not sure
that's a good thing, actually -- -
11:58 - 12:01Actually, I'm pretty sure
it's a bad thing. -
12:01 - 12:03And he was like, "Oh" --
-
12:03 - 12:05yeah, this is how he looked,
his name is Eric -- -
12:05 - 12:07and he was like, "I'm not sure."
-
12:07 - 12:09This is how he was hearing me. "Not sure."
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12:09 - 12:11Then I ask him, "Is that weird?"
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12:11 - 12:13He's like, "Yeah, it's really weird, man."
-
12:14 - 12:16But as soon as he said that,
his whole demeanor changed. -
12:16 - 12:19It's as if he's putting
all the doubt on the floor. -
12:19 - 12:21And he said, "Yeah, you can do this,
-
12:21 - 12:22just don't get too weird."
-
12:22 - 12:24(Laughter)
-
12:24 - 12:26So for the next hour
I was the Starbucks greeter. -
12:26 - 12:28I said "hi" to every customer
that walked in, -
12:28 - 12:31and gave them holiday cheers.
-
12:31 - 12:33By the way, I don't know
what your career trajectory is, -
12:33 - 12:35don't be a greeter.
-
12:35 - 12:36(Laughter)
-
12:36 - 12:37It was really boring.
-
12:38 - 12:43But then I found I could do this
because I mentioned, "Is that weird?" -
12:43 - 12:45I mentioned the doubt that he was having.
-
12:45 - 12:49And because I mentioned, "Is that weird?",
that means I wasn't weird. -
12:49 - 12:51That means I was actually
thinking just like him, -
12:51 - 12:54seeing this as a weird thing.
-
12:54 - 12:55And again, and again,
-
12:55 - 12:58I learned that if I mention
some doubt people might have -
12:58 - 13:00before I ask the question,
-
13:00 - 13:01I gained their trust.
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13:01 - 13:03People were more likely to say yes to me.
-
13:04 - 13:07And then I learned
I could fulfill my life dream ... -
13:07 - 13:08by asking.
-
13:08 - 13:11You know, I came
from four generations of teachers, -
13:11 - 13:14and my grandma has always told me,
-
13:14 - 13:17"Hey Jia, you can do anything you want,
-
13:17 - 13:19but it'd be great
if you became a teacher." -
13:19 - 13:20(Laughter)
-
13:20 - 13:22But I wanted to be
an entrepreneur, so I didn't. -
13:22 - 13:26But it has always been my dream
to actually teach something. -
13:26 - 13:28So I said, "What if I just ask
-
13:28 - 13:30and teach a college class?"
-
13:30 - 13:32I lived in Austin at the time,
-
13:32 - 13:34so I went to University
of Texas at Austin -
13:34 - 13:37and knocked on professors' doors
and said, "Can I teach your class?" -
13:37 - 13:40I didn't get anywhere
the first couple of times. -
13:40 - 13:42But because I didn't run --
I kept doing it -- -
13:42 - 13:45and on the third try
the professor was very impressed. -
13:45 - 13:48He was like, "No one
has done this before." -
13:48 - 13:52And I came in prepared
with powerpoints and my lesson. -
13:52 - 13:54He said, "Wow, I can use this.
-
13:54 - 13:57Why don't you come back in two months?
I'll fit you in my curriculum." -
13:57 - 13:59And two months later
I was teaching a class. -
14:00 - 14:03This is me -- you probably can't see,
this is a bad picture. -
14:03 - 14:06You know, sometimes you get
rejected by lighting, you know? -
14:06 - 14:07(Laughter)
-
14:08 - 14:10But wow --
-
14:10 - 14:12when I finished teaching that class,
I walked out crying, -
14:12 - 14:14because I thought
-
14:14 - 14:17I could fulfill my life dream
just by simply asking. -
14:18 - 14:20I used to think I have to accomplish
all these things -- -
14:20 - 14:24have to be a great entrepreneur,
or get a PhD to teach -- -
14:24 - 14:25but no, I just asked,
-
14:25 - 14:27and I could teach.
-
14:27 - 14:29And in that picture,
which you can't see, -
14:30 - 14:33I quoted Martin Luther King, Jr.
-
14:33 - 14:37Why? Because in my research I found
that people who really change the world, -
14:37 - 14:40who change the way we live
and the way we think, -
14:40 - 14:44are the people who were met
with initial and often violent rejections. -
14:44 - 14:47People like Martin Luther King, Jr.,
-
14:47 - 14:49like Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela,
-
14:49 - 14:50or even Jesus Christ.
-
14:50 - 14:54These people did not
let rejection define them. -
14:54 - 14:58They let their own reaction
after rejection define themselves. -
14:59 - 15:00And they embraced rejection.
-
15:01 - 15:04And we don't have to be those people
to learn about rejection, -
15:04 - 15:06and in my case,
-
15:06 - 15:08rejection was my curse,
-
15:08 - 15:09was my boogeyman.
-
15:09 - 15:13It has bothered me my whole life
because I was running away from it. -
15:13 - 15:15Then I started embracing it.
-
15:16 - 15:18I turned that into
the biggest gift in my life. -
15:19 - 15:24I started teaching people
how to turn rejections into opportunities. -
15:24 - 15:26I use my blog, I use my talk,
-
15:26 - 15:28I use the book I just published,
-
15:28 - 15:32and I'm even building technology to help
people overcome their fear of rejection. -
15:34 - 15:36When you get rejected in life,
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15:36 - 15:38when you are facing the next obstacle
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15:38 - 15:40or next failure,
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15:40 - 15:42consider the possibilities.
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15:42 - 15:43Don't run.
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15:43 - 15:44If you just embrace them,
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15:44 - 15:46they might become your gifts as well.
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15:47 - 15:48Thank you.
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15:48 - 15:53(Applause)
- Title:
- What I learned from 100 days of rejection | Jia Jiang | TEDxMtHood
- Description:
-
Jia Jiang adventures boldly into a territory so many of us fear: rejection. By seeking out rejection for 100 days -- from asking a stranger to borrow $100 to requesting a "burger refill" at a restaurant -- Jiang desensitized himself to the pain and shame that rejection often brings and, in the process, discovered that simply asking for what you want can open up possibilities where you expect to find dead ends.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 16:00
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for The hidden opportunity behind every rejection | Jia Jiang | TEDxMtHood | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for The hidden opportunity behind every rejection | Jia Jiang | TEDxMtHood |