How to speak up for yourself
-
0:01 - 0:04Speaking up is hard to do.
-
0:05 - 0:10I understood the true meaning
of this phrase exactly one month ago, -
0:10 - 0:12when my wife and I became new parents.
-
0:13 - 0:15It was an amazing moment.
-
0:15 - 0:17It was exhilarating and elating,
-
0:17 - 0:20but it was also scary and terrifying.
-
0:20 - 0:25And it got particularly terrifying
when we got home from the hospital, -
0:25 - 0:26and we were unsure
-
0:26 - 0:30whether our little baby boy was getting
enough nutrients from breastfeeding. -
0:31 - 0:34And we wanted to call our pediatrician,
-
0:34 - 0:37but we also didn't want
to make a bad first impression -
0:37 - 0:39or come across as a crazy,
neurotic parent. -
0:39 - 0:41So we worried.
-
0:41 - 0:42And we waited.
-
0:42 - 0:44When we got to the doctor's office
the next day, -
0:44 - 0:49she immediately gave him formula
because he was pretty dehydrated. -
0:49 - 0:51Our son is fine now,
-
0:51 - 0:54and our doctor has reassured us
we can always contact her. -
0:54 - 0:56But in that moment,
-
0:56 - 0:58I should've spoken up, but I didn't.
-
0:59 - 1:02But sometimes we speak up
when we shouldn't, -
1:02 - 1:06and I learned that over 10 years ago
when I let my twin brother down. -
1:07 - 1:09My twin brother
is a documentary filmmaker, -
1:09 - 1:11and for one of his first films,
-
1:11 - 1:13he got an offer
from a distribution company. -
1:13 - 1:15He was excited,
-
1:15 - 1:17and he was inclined to accept the offer.
-
1:17 - 1:20But as a negotiations researcher,
-
1:20 - 1:23I insisted he make a counteroffer,
-
1:23 - 1:26and I helped him craft the perfect one.
-
1:26 - 1:28And it was perfect --
-
1:28 - 1:30it was perfectly insulting.
-
1:30 - 1:32The company was so offended,
-
1:32 - 1:34they literally withdrew the offer
-
1:34 - 1:36and my brother was left with nothing.
-
1:36 - 1:40And I've asked people all over the world
about this dilemma of speaking up: -
1:40 - 1:42when they can assert themselves,
-
1:42 - 1:44when they can push their interests,
-
1:44 - 1:46when they can express an opinion,
-
1:46 - 1:48when they can make an ambitious ask.
-
1:49 - 1:53And the range of stories
are varied and diverse, -
1:53 - 1:56but they also make up
a universal tapestry. -
1:56 - 1:59Can I correct my boss
when they make a mistake? -
1:59 - 2:03Can I confront my coworker
who keeps stepping on my toes? -
2:03 - 2:06Can I challenge my friend's
insensitive joke? -
2:06 - 2:10Can I tell the person I love the most
my deepest insecurities? -
2:11 - 2:14And through these experiences,
I've come to recognize -
2:14 - 2:18that each of us have something called
a range of acceptable behavior. -
2:18 - 2:23Now, sometimes we're too strong;
we push ourselves too much. -
2:23 - 2:25That's what happened with my brother.
-
2:25 - 2:29Even making an offer was outside
his range of acceptable behavior. -
2:30 - 2:31But sometimes we're too weak.
-
2:31 - 2:33That's what happened with my wife and I.
-
2:33 - 2:36And this range of acceptable behaviors --
-
2:36 - 2:39when we stay within our range,
we're rewarded. -
2:39 - 2:43When we step outside that range,
we get punished in a variety of ways. -
2:43 - 2:46We get dismissed or demeaned
or even ostracized. -
2:46 - 2:49Or we lose that raise
or that promotion or that deal. -
2:50 - 2:53Now, the first thing we need to know is:
-
2:53 - 2:54What is my range?
-
2:55 - 2:59But the key thing is,
our range isn't fixed; -
2:59 - 3:01it's actually pretty dynamic.
-
3:01 - 3:05It expands and it narrows
based on the context. -
3:05 - 3:09And there's one thing that determines
that range more than anything else, -
3:10 - 3:11and that's your power.
-
3:11 - 3:14Your power determines your range.
-
3:14 - 3:15What is power?
-
3:15 - 3:17Power comes in lots of forms.
-
3:17 - 3:20In negotiations, it comes
in the form of alternatives. -
3:20 - 3:22So my brother had no alternatives;
-
3:22 - 3:23he lacked power.
-
3:23 - 3:25The company had lots of alternatives;
-
3:25 - 3:26they had power.
-
3:26 - 3:29Sometimes it's being new
to a country, like an immigrant, -
3:29 - 3:31or new to an organization
-
3:31 - 3:32or new to an experience,
-
3:32 - 3:34like my wife and I as new parents.
-
3:34 - 3:36Sometimes it's at work,
-
3:36 - 3:39where someone's the boss
and someone's the subordinate. -
3:39 - 3:40Sometimes it's in relationships,
-
3:40 - 3:43where one person's more invested
than the other person. -
3:43 - 3:47And the key thing is that when
we have lots of power, -
3:47 - 3:49our range is very wide.
-
3:49 - 3:51We have a lot of leeway in how to behave.
-
3:52 - 3:54But when we lack power, our range narrows.
-
3:55 - 3:56We have very little leeway.
-
3:57 - 4:00The problem is that when
our range narrows, -
4:00 - 4:04that produces something called
the low-power double bind. -
4:04 - 4:07The low-power double bind happens
-
4:07 - 4:10when, if we don't speak up,
we go unnoticed, -
4:11 - 4:13but if we do speak up, we get punished.
-
4:13 - 4:16Now, many of you have heard
the phrase the "double bind" -
4:16 - 4:19and connected it with one thing,
and that's gender. -
4:19 - 4:23The gender double bind is women
who don't speak up go unnoticed, -
4:23 - 4:26and women who do speak up get punished.
-
4:26 - 4:31And the key thing is that women have
the same need as men to speak up, -
4:31 - 4:33but they have barriers to doing so.
-
4:34 - 4:37But what my research has shown
over the last two decades -
4:37 - 4:41is that what looks
like a gender difference -
4:41 - 4:43is not really a gender double bind,
-
4:43 - 4:46it's a really a low-power double bind.
-
4:46 - 4:48And what looks like a gender difference
-
4:48 - 4:51are really often just power
differences in disguise. -
4:51 - 4:54Oftentimes we see a difference
between a man and a woman -
4:54 - 4:55or men and women,
-
4:55 - 4:59and think, "Biological cause.
There's something fundamentally different -
4:59 - 5:00about the sexes."
-
5:00 - 5:02But in study after study,
-
5:02 - 5:06I've found that a better explanation
for many sex differences -
5:07 - 5:08is really power.
-
5:08 - 5:11And so it's the low-power double bind.
-
5:12 - 5:17And the low-power double bind
means that we have a narrow range, -
5:17 - 5:19and we lack power.
-
5:19 - 5:20We have a narrow range,
-
5:20 - 5:22and our double bind is very large.
-
5:22 - 5:25So we need to find ways
to expand our range. -
5:25 - 5:26And over the last couple decades,
-
5:26 - 5:29my colleagues and I have found
two things really matter. -
5:30 - 5:34The first: you seem powerful
in your own eyes. -
5:34 - 5:38The second: you seem powerful
in the eyes of others. -
5:38 - 5:39When I feel powerful,
-
5:40 - 5:42I feel confident, not fearful;
-
5:42 - 5:44I expand my own range.
-
5:44 - 5:46When other people see me as powerful,
-
5:47 - 5:49they grant me a wider range.
-
5:49 - 5:54So we need tools to expand
our range of acceptable behavior. -
5:54 - 5:56And I'm going to give you
a set of tools today. -
5:56 - 5:58Speaking up is risky,
-
5:59 - 6:02but these tools will lower
your risk of speaking up. -
6:03 - 6:09The first tool I'm going to give you
got discovered in negotiations -
6:09 - 6:10in an important finding.
-
6:10 - 6:14On average, women make
less ambitions offers -
6:14 - 6:18and get worse outcomes than men
at the bargaining table. -
6:18 - 6:21But Hannah Riley Bowles
and Emily Amanatullah have discovered -
6:21 - 6:25there's one situation
where women get the same outcomes as men -
6:25 - 6:27and are just as ambitious.
-
6:27 - 6:31That's when they advocate for others.
-
6:31 - 6:33When they advocate for others,
-
6:33 - 6:38they discover their own range
and expand it in their own mind. -
6:38 - 6:40They become more assertive.
-
6:40 - 6:43This is sometimes called
"the mama bear effect." -
6:43 - 6:46Like a mama bear defending her cubs,
-
6:46 - 6:50when we advocate for others,
we can discover our own voice. -
6:50 - 6:53But sometimes, we have
to advocate for ourselves. -
6:53 - 6:55How do we do that?
-
6:55 - 6:59One of the most important tools
we have to advocate for ourselves -
6:59 - 7:01is something called perspective-taking.
-
7:01 - 7:04And perspective-taking is really simple:
-
7:04 - 7:08it's simply looking at the world
through the eyes of another person. -
7:09 - 7:13It's one of the most important tools
we have to expand our range. -
7:13 - 7:15When I take your perspective,
-
7:15 - 7:17and I think about what you really want,
-
7:17 - 7:20you're more likely to give me
what I really want. -
7:21 - 7:23But here's the problem:
-
7:23 - 7:25perspective-taking is hard to do.
-
7:25 - 7:27So let's do a little experiment.
-
7:27 - 7:30I want you all to hold
your hand just like this: -
7:30 - 7:31your finger -- put it up.
-
7:32 - 7:36And I want you to draw
a capital letter E on your forehead -
7:36 - 7:38as quickly as possible.
-
7:40 - 7:43OK, it turns out that we can
draw this E in one of two ways, -
7:43 - 7:47and this was originally designed
as a test of perspective-taking. -
7:47 - 7:49I'm going to show you two pictures
-
7:49 - 7:51of someone with an E on their forehead --
-
7:51 - 7:53my former student, Erika Hall.
-
7:53 - 7:55And you can see over here,
-
7:55 - 7:57that's the correct E.
-
7:57 - 8:00I drew the E so it looks like
an E to another person. -
8:00 - 8:02That's the perspective-taking E
-
8:02 - 8:05because it looks like an E
from someone else's vantage point. -
8:05 - 8:08But this E over here
is the self-focused E. -
8:09 - 8:11We often get self-focused.
-
8:11 - 8:14And we particularly get
self-focused in a crisis. -
8:14 - 8:16I want to tell you
about a particular crisis. -
8:16 - 8:19A man walks into a bank
in Watsonville, California. -
8:20 - 8:23And he says, "Give me $2,000,
-
8:23 - 8:25or I'm blowing the whole bank
up with a bomb." -
8:26 - 8:28Now, the bank manager
didn't give him the money. -
8:28 - 8:29She took a step back.
-
8:30 - 8:31She took his perspective,
-
8:31 - 8:34and she noticed something
really important. -
8:34 - 8:36He asked for a specific amount of money.
-
8:36 - 8:38So she said,
-
8:39 - 8:41"Why did you ask for $2,000?"
-
8:41 - 8:44And he said, "My friend
is going to be evicted -
8:44 - 8:46unless I get him $2,000 immediately."
-
8:46 - 8:49And she said, "Oh! You don't want
to rob the bank -- -
8:49 - 8:51you want to take out a loan."
-
8:51 - 8:52(Laughter)
-
8:52 - 8:54"Why don't you come back to my office,
-
8:54 - 8:56and we can have you
fill out the paperwork." -
8:56 - 8:57(Laughter)
-
8:57 - 9:02Now, her quick perspective-taking
defused a volatile situation. -
9:02 - 9:04So when we take someone's perspective,
-
9:04 - 9:09it allows us to be ambitious
and assertive, but still be likable. -
9:09 - 9:12Here's another way to be assertive
but still be likable, -
9:12 - 9:15and that is to signal flexibility.
-
9:15 - 9:19Now, imagine you're a car salesperson,
and you want to sell someone a car. -
9:20 - 9:24You're going to more likely make the sale
if you give them two options. -
9:24 - 9:26Let's say option A:
-
9:26 - 9:29$24,000 for this car
and a five-year warranty. -
9:29 - 9:30Or option B:
-
9:31 - 9:33$23,000 and a three-year warranty.
-
9:34 - 9:37My research shows that when you give
people a choice among options, -
9:37 - 9:39it lowers their defenses,
-
9:39 - 9:42and they're more likely
to accept your offer. -
9:42 - 9:44And this doesn't just
work with salespeople; -
9:44 - 9:46it works with parents.
-
9:46 - 9:47When my niece was four,
-
9:47 - 9:50she resisted getting dressed
and rejected everything. -
9:50 - 9:53But then my sister-in-law
had a brilliant idea. -
9:53 - 9:56What if I gave my daughter a choice?
-
9:56 - 9:58This shirt or that shirt? OK, that shirt.
-
9:58 - 10:00This pant or that pant? OK, that pant.
-
10:00 - 10:01And it worked brilliantly.
-
10:01 - 10:05She got dressed quickly
and without resistance. -
10:05 - 10:08When I've asked the question
around the world -
10:08 - 10:10when people feel comfortable speaking up,
-
10:10 - 10:11the number one answer is:
-
10:11 - 10:16"When I have social support
in my audience; when I have allies." -
10:16 - 10:20So we want to get allies on our side.
-
10:20 - 10:21How do we do that?
-
10:22 - 10:24Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear.
-
10:24 - 10:26When we advocate for others,
-
10:26 - 10:29we expand our range in our own eyes
and the eyes of others, -
10:29 - 10:31but we also earn strong allies.
-
10:32 - 10:37Another way we can earn strong allies,
especially in high places, -
10:37 - 10:39is by asking other people for advice.
-
10:39 - 10:45When we ask others for advice,
they like us because we flatter them, -
10:45 - 10:47and we're expressing humility.
-
10:47 - 10:50And this really works to solve
another double bind. -
10:51 - 10:53And that's the self-promotion double bind.
-
10:53 - 10:55The self-promotion double bind
-
10:55 - 10:58is that if we don't advertise
our accomplishments, -
10:58 - 10:59no one notices.
-
10:59 - 11:02And if we do, we're not likable.
-
11:02 - 11:05But if we ask for advice
about one of our accomplishments, -
11:05 - 11:10we are able to be competent
in their eyes but also be likeable. -
11:10 - 11:13And this is so powerful
-
11:13 - 11:15it even works when you see it coming.
-
11:15 - 11:20There have been multiple times in life
when I have been forewarned -
11:20 - 11:24that a low-power person has been given
the advice to come ask me for advice. -
11:24 - 11:27I want you to notice
three things about this: -
11:27 - 11:30First, I knew they were going
to come ask me for advice. -
11:30 - 11:34Two, I've actually done research
on the strategic benefits -
11:34 - 11:35of asking for advice.
-
11:36 - 11:38And three, it still worked!
-
11:39 - 11:40I took their perspective,
-
11:40 - 11:42I became more invested in their cause,
-
11:42 - 11:46I became more committed to them
because they asked for advice. -
11:46 - 11:50Now, another time we feel
more confident speaking up -
11:50 - 11:52is when we have expertise.
-
11:52 - 11:54Expertise gives us credibility.
-
11:55 - 11:58When we have high power,
we already have credibility. -
11:58 - 11:59We only need good evidence.
-
12:00 - 12:03When we lack power,
we don't have the credibility. -
12:03 - 12:05We need excellent evidence.
-
12:05 - 12:09And one of the ways
we can come across as an expert -
12:09 - 12:11is by tapping into our passion.
-
12:12 - 12:16I want everyone in the next few days
to go up to friend of theirs -
12:16 - 12:17and just say to them,
-
12:17 - 12:20"I want you to describe
a passion of yours to me." -
12:21 - 12:23I've had people do this all over the world
-
12:23 - 12:25and I asked them,
-
12:25 - 12:27"What did you notice
about the other person -
12:27 - 12:29when they described their passion?"
-
12:29 - 12:31And the answers are always the same.
-
12:31 - 12:33"Their eyes lit up and got big."
-
12:33 - 12:36"They smiled a big beaming smile."
-
12:36 - 12:37"They used their hands all over --
-
12:37 - 12:40I had to duck because their
hands were coming at me." -
12:40 - 12:42"They talk quickly
with a little higher pitch." -
12:42 - 12:43(Laughter)
-
12:43 - 12:46"They leaned in
as if telling me a secret." -
12:46 - 12:47And then I said to them,
-
12:47 - 12:50"What happened to you
as you listened to their passion?" -
12:50 - 12:53They said, "My eyes lit up.
-
12:53 - 12:54I smiled.
-
12:54 - 12:55I leaned in."
-
12:55 - 12:57When we tap into our passion,
-
12:57 - 13:01we give ourselves the courage,
in our own eyes, to speak up, -
13:01 - 13:04but we also get the permission
from others to speak up. -
13:05 - 13:10Tapping into our passion even works
when we come across as too weak. -
13:11 - 13:15Both men and women get punished
at work when they shed tears. -
13:15 - 13:22But Lizzie Wolf has shown that when
we frame our strong emotions as passion, -
13:22 - 13:28the condemnation of our crying
disappears for both men and women. -
13:29 - 13:32I want to end with a few words
from my late father -
13:32 - 13:34that he spoke at my twin
brother's wedding. -
13:35 - 13:36Here's a picture of us.
-
13:38 - 13:40My dad was a psychologist like me,
-
13:40 - 13:44but his real love and his real
passion was cinema, -
13:44 - 13:45like my brother.
-
13:45 - 13:47And so he wrote a speech
for my brother's wedding -
13:48 - 13:51about the roles we play
in the human comedy. -
13:51 - 13:53And he said, "The lighter your touch,
-
13:53 - 13:57the better you become at improving
and enriching your performance. -
13:57 - 14:01Those who embrace their roles
and work to improve their performance -
14:02 - 14:05grow, change and expand the self.
-
14:05 - 14:06Play it well,
-
14:06 - 14:08and your days will be mostly joyful."
-
14:09 - 14:11What my dad was saying
-
14:11 - 14:14is that we've all been assigned
ranges and roles in this world. -
14:15 - 14:19But he was also saying
the essence of this talk: -
14:19 - 14:24those roles and ranges are constantly
expanding and evolving. -
14:25 - 14:27So when a scene calls for it,
-
14:27 - 14:29be a ferocious mama bear
-
14:29 - 14:31and a humble advice seeker.
-
14:32 - 14:36Have excellent evidence and strong allies.
-
14:36 - 14:38Be a passionate perspective taker.
-
14:39 - 14:40And if you use those tools --
-
14:41 - 14:44and each and every one of you
can use these tools -- -
14:44 - 14:48you will expand your range
of acceptable behavior, -
14:48 - 14:51and your days will be mostly joyful.
-
14:52 - 14:53Thank you.
-
14:53 - 14:56(Applause)
- Title:
- How to speak up for yourself
- Speaker:
- Adam Galinsky
- Description:
-
Speaking up is hard to do, even when you know you should. Learn how to assert yourself, navigate tricky social situations and expand your personal power with sage guidance from social psychologist Adam Galinsky.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 15:08
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for How to speak up for yourself | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for How to speak up for yourself | ||
Camille Martínez commented on English subtitles for How to speak up for yourself | ||
Maram Almohawes commented on English subtitles for How to speak up for yourself | ||
Laura Al-Jundi commented on English subtitles for How to speak up for yourself | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for How to speak up for yourself | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for How to speak up for yourself | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for How to speak up for yourself |
Laura Al-Jundi
can i translate it to arabic?
Maram Almohawes
Sorry, It's my task.
If you want to translate to Arabic go to tasks on the upside of your browser and look for available Arabic Subtitles.
^^
Camille Martínez
Hi Laura,
Welcome to the OTP and thanks for joining the team!
Please have a look at the TED OTP Main Guide before getting started, so you can be sure to have the basic guidelines down::
http://translations.ted.org/wiki/OTP_Resources:_Main_guide
To address your specific issue and to elaborate on Maram's comment, please see the following:
http://translations.ted.org/wiki/OTP_Resources:_Main_guide#How_to_find_something_to_translate
Best of luck, and feel free to message me if you have any questions.
Camille