Pizza Place - SNL

[ DOORBELL ]
>> DID SOMEBODY ORDER AN EXTRA

LARGE SAUSAGE?
>> YEAH, WE SURE DID.

>> IS IT NICE AND HOT?
>> IT SURE IS.

BUT THAT WILL BE TEN BUCKS,
LADIES.

>> AW, BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANY
MONEY.

>> YEAH, IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY
WE CAN PAY FOR ALL THAT SAUSAGE?

>> YEAH, WE'LL DO ANYTHING.
>> WELL, I MEAN, I GUESS THERE

IS ONE THING YOU COULD DO.
>> OH.

♪♪♪
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE'RE

NOT MAKING NO MONEY.
IT DON'T MAKE NO DAMN SENSE.

I MEAN, WE GETTING ORDERS.
>> HEY, AND WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

>> SORRY, SIR, I'M BEAT.
I DON'T THINK I CAN DO ANY

DELIVERIES TODAY.
>> I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LET YOU

GO.
>> WHAT?

YOU'RE FIRING ME?
BUT WHY?

>> 'CAUSE YOU ARE TERRIBLE.
EVERY DELIVERY TAKES YOU, LIKE,

AN HOUR.
AND THEN YOU NEED A NAP.

AND THEN, MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU
HAVEN'T BROUGHT BACK A DIME YET.

>> THAT'S NOT MY FAULT, SIR.
I GOT A LOT OF CUSTOMERS THAT

DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
>> THIS AIN'T NO CHARITY.

THIS IS A BUSINESS, ALL RIGHT?
DID YOU BRING THE PIZZA BACK?

>> WELL, NO, THE LAST TIME I
BROUGHT IT BACK YOU GOT MAD AT

ME, MAN.
>> BUT THAT'S BECAUSE IT HAD A

GIANT HOLE CUT OUT THE MIDDLE OF
IT.

IT LOOKED LIKE SOMEBODY STUCK
THEIR WHOLE ARM IN THE DAMN

THING.
I CAN'T RESALE THAT.

>> WHERE'S THE PIZZA?
>> WHY, I JUST ATE IT MYSELF.

>> NO, SIR.
OH, GOD, SIR, TELL ME YOU DIDN'T

EAT THAT PIE.
>> I CAN'T AFFORD TO WASTE NO

FOOD.
I'M BROKE THANKS TO YOU.

AND THERE WEREN'T NO SAUSAGE ON
IT.

>> WELL, THERE WAS.
[ PHONE RINGING ]

>> OH, HEY, OKAY.
>> YEAH, BIG WILLIE PIZZA, HOME

OF THE GREAT BIG WILLIES.
CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

>> OKAY, MA'AM, YOU WANT ANOTHER
EXTRA LARGE SAUSAGE FOR YOU AND

YOUR SISTER TO SHARE.
OKAY, ANYTHING ELSE?

OH, WELL ACTUALLY, HE'S BEING
FIRED RIGHT NOW.

BUT -- HELLO?
HELLO?

THAT'S YOU AT THAT BUS STATION
BATHROOM.

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU WOULD DO
ANYTHING TO MAKE SOME QUICK

CASH.
SO I GAVE YOU THIS JOB.

BUT IT JUST AIN'T WORKING OUT.
>> YOU GOT TO GIVE ME ANOTHER

CHANCE, MAN.
I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOVE

THIS JOB.
>> OH, DO YOU?

BECAUSE YOU DON'T ACT LIKE IT.
I MEAN, DID YOU EVEN SHOWER

TODAY?
>> WELL, YEAH, WHY?

>> 'CAUSE YOU SMELL LIKE
SHELLFISH AND KARATE CLASS?

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
BUT YOU ARE RIPE.

[ PHONE RINGING ]
HANG ON A SECOND.

BIG WILLIE PIZZA.
WE COME WHERE YOU ASK.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?
YOU WANT A NICE BIG MEATY SUB

FOR YOUR BACHELORETTE PARTY?
OKAY, WE CAN DO THAT.

IN FACT, I WILL PERSONALLY BRING
IT MYSELF.

HELLO?
HELLO?

MAN, WE ARE LOSING BUSINESS
BECAUSE OF THESE DAMN PHONES.

>> SIR, THERE'S GOT TO BE
SOMETHING I CAN DO TO KEEP THIS

JOB.
I'LL DO ANYTHING.

>> ANYTHING?
>> HUH?

>> DID YOU JUST SAY YOU'D DO
ANYTHING TO KEEP THIS JOB?

>> YEAH, I MEAN, I GUESS.
♪♪♪

>> WELL, THERE IS ONE THING YOU
CAN DO FOR ME?

>> WAIT A SECOND, SIR, IF YOU
WANT TO HAVE SEX, I'M GOING TO

NEED LIKE AN HOUR AND A NAP.
>> HAVE SEX?

WHAT THE HELL YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE PLACE

WHERE I TRADE SEX FOR PIZZA,
MAN.

>> WHAT?
>> MAN, I JUST WANTED YOU TO

SHOOT MY FATHER-IN-LAW FOR ME.
>> THANK GOD.

>> SO IS THAT WHY YOU NEVER HAVE
MY MONEY?

>> WELL, YEAH, BUT I CAN
EXPLAIN, MAN.

>> MAN, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY
OFFICE.

NOW, YOU DAMN SICKO.
[ PHONE RINGING ]

HELLO, BIG WILLIE'S PIZZA LOOK,
LADY, WE AIN'T GOT NO MORE FOOT

LONG SALAMI, ALL RIGHT?
HE'S BEEN FIRED.

BUT CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A
RESPECTABLE MIDDLE SIZED --

HELLO?
HELLO?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS DAMN
PHONE?