Pachelbel Rant

A comedian rants about how much it sucks to play Pachelbel's Canon in D on a cello. Recorded live at Penn State, this piece by comedian/musician Rob Paravonian has been a favorite on the Dr. Demento Show.

You guys know this piece? Pachelbel's "Canon".

Hey, do you remember if I do the melody right?

(hums melody)

You hear it a lot at weddings - and everywhere else.

It's--it's a big hit in the classical world.

The reason I know this is because, well... I was a geek and...

Well, I know what you're thinking--

"Rob, you can't be a geek. You play guitar, you're so cool."

Okay, you weren't thinking that, but I was.

Well, I didn't always play guitar; I used to play the cello.

You can't be cool walking to school with a cello.

"Hey, that guitar is bigger than you!" "I know what to do."

But I--I played it all through high school and grade school, you know why?

'Cause I love the music.

I loved every piece that we played except this one.

I hated this piece because I only got to play eight notes.

The cello part to Pachelbel’s "Canon" is the most boring part ever written;

it’s eight quarter notes repeated and they are as follows:

D, A, B, F#, G, D, G, A

That's all we got to play.

We played that 54 times.

I counted because I had nothing else to do.

And the cello section would always fall asleep.

If you ever see Pachelbel’s "Canon" performed live,

watch the cello section because they never know when it’s gonna be over.

If there's a conductor, she has to do a big one of these at the end

(holds chord)

just to wake them up, you know?

And if it’s a quartet, maybe the viola will just, you know,

kneel over to the cellos and say, "Hey! Wake up! It's over!"

I hated this piece.

The violins got lovely melodies, the second violins got lovely melodies,

and the violas got lovely melodies which should have never happened.

The cellists, we got eight notes.

And at the end I wonder why and I figured it out.

I think Pachelbel must have dated a cellist and she dissed him really bad.

And so he gave the cellists the worst part you can ever think of.

And I wouldn't - you know, I wouldn't be bitter about it except the man is following you.

He's been dead for like 300 years but he’s popping up everywhere.

I know it's hard to believe and it may sound paranoid,

but I was watching the movie "The Legend of Billy Jack".

I didn't hear the theme song but I heard "Pachelbel".

"Listen children to my story
It was written long ago
Of (ba da-da-da da-da-da-da-da…)"

So I turned off the television and listened to some Aerosmith.

"There was a time when I was so brokenhearted
(La da-da-da da…)"

So I turned that off and turned on some cheesy dance music.

"All together now
All together now…"

It’s this cheesy dance band from England called The Farm

"…All together now"

They do "Pachelbel" just like everybody does "Pachelbel" just to torment me.

I don’t even go to Taco Bell anymore because it sounds too close.

I hate this man and I don't even know his first name.

It's probably Johann or something.

And when you think about it, the man is the original one hit wonder.

He had one hit 300 years ago and it’s been my cross-demerit my entire life.

I hate Pachelbel with the passion and I wish I could get away from him but I can't

because he infiltrates music that I like.

He's sneaking up on me.

I went to the Horn Fest to listen to some Blues Traveler.

I didn't hear Blues Traveler.

"Suck it in suck it in suck it in
When you're Anne Boleyn or Rin Tin Tin
Then they're gonna start movin' and you're in
(Da da-da-da…)"

So I decided to listen to only punk rock music

figuring Pachelbel wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot pole…

"Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
A (ba-da-da-da da-da-da-da…)

I know I’m getting really bored
'Cause all songs have the same damn chords

Punk music is a joke
It's really just baroque

Am I just paranoid?
La da da-da da-da da-da da-da
Da-da da-da da-da da-da"

I want to push you around
Well I will, I will
I want to push you around
I will...

Wow It's been good livin' with you
Wow Good when I come around
When I come around

In my machine head, it's better than the rest
My machine head, it's better than the rest...

See the stone set in her eyes
See the thorns...

It's all original, yeah yeah yeah
I've at least been rid of original, oh no no...

When I find myself in times of trouble
Pachelbel's always following me

I'll see you in hell, Pachelbel
Pachelbel, Pachelbel

I'll see your * in hell
I'll see you in hell, Pachelbel!

(Captions based on the transcript by Sonic SBL in http://www.madmusic.com/song_details.aspx?SongID=989