Shadi Say Pehlay Chand Aham Faislay - Muhammad Hassan Ilyas

[Hassan Ilyas] I begin in the name
of Allah, most gracious, forever merciful.

Peace be upon you.

If you go to the internet,

and see the questions of people
on different religious websites,

as we ourselves experience
this day in and day out,

because people approach us for religious
guidance in various matters,

then most of those issues and questions
are related to family and marital affairs.

Issues like a husband who has
divorced his wife in anger,

a dispute between husband and wife on
whether or not the wife can have a job?

Or a question like, should husband and
wife live in a joint family with parents,

since the wife is demanding
for a separate living?

Or disagreements that have arisen
over the birth of children.

Or the issue that a husband wants to go
abroad to study but the wife doesn't

want to leave her parents
in their home country.

There are dozens of such issues of the
young Muslim married couples

that are received day and night.

And these are the issues and
disputes, because of which

the institution of a family is ultimately
led to ruin and destruction.

I usually interact with young people,

and I directly hear and
understand these issues,

so during this time period,
an idea developed in my mind.

And I think that if that idea is
further scrutinized and reformed,

then perhaps that could lead to
some improvement in the future.

And that idea is that when a Muslim
man and woman wants to get married,

then at the time of a marriage,
there happens to be a

marriage certificate which you sign.

Even though a box happens to be drawn
on that marriage certificate so that

any conditions, or obligations or any
compulsory duties that you want to set,

could be written in that box.

But in our culture, that box is cut out
with slanting lines because it is thought

that if you demand something on
that occasion, then it is seen as

an attempt to create a kind of rift at the
very beginning of a relationship.

In my opinion, this is a very
wrong attitude and tradition.

This tradition should be revived.

And even if this revision may not happen
in the marriage certificate,

as that has now become a cultural
identity and a cultural status,

but every man and woman should
together sign a mutual agreement.

That is, before marriage, there
should be an agreement,

which could be a legal document in which
you make some people as witnesses,

but that agreement should be signed
between a boy and a girl.

There are some basic things in that
agreement that need to be agreed upon.

For example, a husband should write
in the agreement that if he ever, having

been overcome by an emotional state or
as a reaction, or if under any depression,

says the word "divorce" to his wife, then
that must not be considered as divorce,

until he consciously divorces his wife in
a written format and by making the

family members from both
the sides as witnesses.

That is, in our culture, you know that the
word 'divorce'

is a placeholder for using expletives.

When a man gets angry, he even utters the
word "Divorce" along with the verbal abuse

and then he would regret and say, "No, I
didn't mean to divorce my wife,

I just said that in anger, in order
to teach her a lesson that

I can divorce her as well.

So for God's sake, nullify my divorce as
I don't want to divorce my wife."

So that's why it is important that
a man should first clarify this that

if he ever uttered this nonsensical word
to his wife, then his saying and statement

is that his divorce should not be
considered until he divorces his wife

in normal circumstances and
in a normal state of mind,

by making his wife's parents and his own
parents as witnesses to his divorce.

So till then every utterance of divorce
from him should be null and void.

This kind of an agreement should be
there.

And when someone in anger or as a
reactionary response utters this word,

then he should retreat from this, rather
this should be written in that agreement

that if one ever did such a mistake,
then one would pay the fine for it.

It should also be written in the agreement
that one is making it incumbent upon

oneself and promising it that one will
either fast for these many days

or will pay this much of ransom
or will pay the fine to one's wife,

if one utters such a word.

You see, if this is imposed then the man
will have this in mind that it's of no use

to utter the word "divorce" in place
of some verbal abuse in anger and

on the contrary, it will be harmful.

And thus, because of it, that immediate
reaction which shatter families,

will come to an end and it will also
become the means to save such families.

Likewise, the issue of where will
the wife live after the marriage

should also be decided.

This should be decided before the
marriage not after the marriage.

And that's because you already
know things like your income,

the condition of your parents, whether
they are old, alone or helpless.

Or are you the only person
to support them?

If yes, then tell this to your
spouse before marriage,

write it in that agreement that
you will be living in a joint family.

Now, as far as this issue is concerned
that conditions don't remain the same,

then such exceptions are everywhere.

But it should be clear what the overall
orientation before the marriage was.

This is fine if you may have had separate
living quarters before marriage,

but if the situation arises such that

you have to make your wife
to live with her in-laws,

then at that time, you will talk to her,
convince her by saying,

"Alright, I had made an agreement
with you to live separately,

so now I am leaving this thing to your
discretion, if you want to support me,

then that's a great thing.

This should also be written
in that agreement.

It should be decided in advance that
whether the wife will live with you

independently or with her in-laws.

Similarly, the third thing is that it
should also be decided that

they both will plan for the birth
of a child with mutual consent,

and the life orientation of both
of them for that should be clear.

Does the boy immediately wants a child?

If yes, then let him clear
this before marriage

that he wants a child as soon as possible.

And if the girl wants to say that
"No, I am not mentally ready for it yet,

as I want to enjoy life and to
experience the situation for now.

I will plan for it in near future",

then let her express her wish
before the marriage.

And if you don't do this,

then this conflict will take place in
a few days after the marriage.

Your in-laws will start expressing their
wish for the birth of their grandchild,

in order to fulfill their desire
to play with the baby.

And you on the other hand, will have
quarrels at the beginning

of your marriage and life will become
complicated and troublesome.

So this must be decided in advance.
Similarly, a man and woman should

also decide what their overall educational
and social background is?

Have they moved forward since childhood
with this passion to make a name for

themselves in some field,
to move forward and to work?

For example, a woman worked hard right
from her childhood and then got an

admission in a medical college on merit
and finally became a doctor.

And now that she is married, her husband
is not allowing her to do her job.

So this must be decided in advance because
one is educated before the marriage.

So it must be written in advance that
"I am a doctor and I want to do my job,

and there can arise this and this
complication because of my job,

so I am only marrying on the condition
that you'll adjust or manage this thing."

So these are few things that
I have mentioned very briefly.

So everyone depending on their
circumstances, their background,

and their economic condition, can mutually
share such conditions with their spouse.

And the thing is that words are left in
the air. Only the written words matter.

The guidance from Allah in this regard is
also to write down such things in order.

This is because when the conflict arises,
at that time, things like understanding,

mutual respect, etc. become
meaningless. They don't work.

On such occasions, it is a written
document that works.

So I will advice this thing
particularly to women,

because a man still has a privilege
to marry to a second wife.

But if the woman has delivered a child,
and if a conflict arose after that,

then where will she go?

Hence, she must have the privilege to draw
her husband's attention to the agreement

that they had agreed upon.

And as far as the issue of divorce goes,

then that should be declared
as null and void by men.

That is, the divorce from a man
should not be considered,

even if he keeps uttering
this word everyday.

And if he says it in anger or in a state
of intoxication or when overcome,

or as a reactionary response
or in any depression,

then no divorce will take place,
until he makes his wife's father,

and his own father as witnesses to
his saying that he is divorcing her.

We all know this that a familial life is
formed by living with friendship, love,

affection, trust, loving relationships
and by supporting each other.

It is also a given fact that life comes
with situations of ups and downs.

And the marriage is not any business
deal whose pros and cons,

and nitty-gritty you will decide.

However, you should have clarity
regarding those basic issues,

that may arise the next day
after the marriage.

And let me say that if there happened to
be this clarity of issues between couples,

then you will resolve those disputes
and conflicts which may arise,

in this light and this spirit, saying that
we are not for creating conflicts,

rather we are for resolving conflicts.

So I will advocate for having a proforma
or a document to be signed by

every Muslim boy and Muslim girl
before getting married,

and to make witnesses
on it and say that,

"We are deciding this thing by consensus
in such and such matter,

and if there is ever any
disagreement in them,

then we will revise this document again
under the guidance of these same elders.

For example, if the situation
of the boy worsened,

and if he needed to shift
to his parent's home,

then he should make a request to
his wife, he should talk to her.

He should not intimidate her,
or threaten her of the divorce,

and say that "I had agreed on these terms
in those circumstances, so then come on,

we will be with parents and will revise
the document by your permission,

otherwise I have no
other option left."

So this is the thing due to which I think
big conflicts can be reduced.

"Aqoolu qawli haaza wa astagfirullah li wa
lakum walisairil muslimin."