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Shadi Say Pehlay Chand Aham Faislay - Muhammad Hassan Ilyas

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    [Hassan Ilyas] I begin in the name
    of Allah, most gracious, forever merciful.
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    Peace be upon you.
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    If you go to the internet,
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    and see the questions of people
    on different religious websites,
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    as we ourselves experience
    this day in and day out,
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    because people approach us for religious
    guidance in various matters,
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    then most of those issues and questions
    are related to family and marital affairs.
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    Issues like a husband who has
    divorced his wife in anger,
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    a dispute between husband and wife on
    whether or not the wife can have a job?
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    Or a question like, should husband and
    wife live in a joint family with parents,
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    since the wife is demanding
    for a separate living?
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    Or disagreements that have arisen
    over the birth of children.
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    Or the issue that a husband wants to go
    abroad to study but the wife doesn't
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    want to leave her parents
    in their home country.
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    There are dozens of such issues of the
    young Muslim married couples
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    that are received day and night.
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    And these are the issues and
    disputes, because of which
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    the institution of a family is ultimately
    led to ruin and destruction.
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    I usually interact with young people,
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    and I directly hear and
    understand these issues,
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    so during this time period,
    an idea developed in my mind.
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    And I think that if that idea is
    further scrutinized and reformed,
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    then perhaps that could lead to
    some improvement in the future.
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    And that idea is that when a Muslim
    man and woman wants to get married,
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    then at the time of a marriage,
    there happens to be a
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    marriage certificate which you sign.
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    Even though a box happens to be drawn
    on that marriage certificate so that
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    any conditions, or obligations or any
    compulsory duties that you want to set,
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    could be written in that box.
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    But in our culture, that box is cut out
    with slanting lines because it is thought
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    that if you demand something on
    that occasion, then it is seen as
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    an attempt to create a kind of rift at the
    very beginning of a relationship.
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    In my opinion, this is a very
    wrong attitude and tradition.
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    This tradition should be revived.
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    And even if this revision may not happen
    in the marriage certificate,
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    as that has now become a cultural
    identity and a cultural status,
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    but every man and woman should
    together sign a mutual agreement.
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    That is, before marriage, there
    should be an agreement,
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    which could be a legal document in which
    you make some people as witnesses,
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    but that agreement should be signed
    between a boy and a girl.
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    There are some basic things in that
    agreement that need to be agreed upon.
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    For example, a husband should write
    in the agreement that if he ever, having
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    been overcome by an emotional state or
    as a reaction, or if under any depression,
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    says the word "divorce" to his wife, then
    that must not be considered as divorce,
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    until he consciously divorces his wife in
    a written format and by making the
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    family members from both
    the sides as witnesses.
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    That is, in our culture, you know that the
    word 'divorce'
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    is a placeholder for using expletives.
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    When a man gets angry, he even utters the
    word "Divorce" along with the verbal abuse
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    and then he would regret and say, "No, I
    didn't mean to divorce my wife,
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    I just said that in anger, in order
    to teach her a lesson that
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    I can divorce her as well.
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    So for God's sake, nullify my divorce as
    I don't want to divorce my wife."
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    So that's why it is important that
    a man should first clarify this that
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    if he ever uttered this nonsensical word
    to his wife, then his saying and statement
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    is that his divorce should not be
    considered until he divorces his wife
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    in normal circumstances and
    in a normal state of mind,
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    by making his wife's parents and his own
    parents as witnesses to his divorce.
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    So till then every utterance of divorce
    from him should be null and void.
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    This kind of an agreement should be
    there.
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    And when someone in anger or as a
    reactionary response utters this word,
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    then he should retreat from this, rather
    this should be written in that agreement
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    that if one ever did such a mistake,
    then one would pay the fine for it.
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    It should also be written in the agreement
    that one is making it incumbent upon
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    oneself and promising it that one will
    either fast for these many days
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    or will pay this much of ransom
    or will pay the fine to one's wife,
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    if one utters such a word.
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    You see, if this is imposed then the man
    will have this in mind that it's of no use
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    to utter the word "divorce" in place
    of some verbal abuse in anger and
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    on the contrary, it will be harmful.
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    And thus, because of it, that immediate
    reaction which shatter families,
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    will come to an end and it will also
    become the means to save such families.
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    Likewise, the issue of where will
    the wife live after the marriage
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    should also be decided.
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    This should be decided before the
    marriage not after the marriage.
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    And that's because you already
    know things like your income,
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    the condition of your parents, whether
    they are old, alone or helpless.
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    Or are you the only person
    to support them?
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    If yes, then tell this to your
    spouse before marriage,
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    write it in that agreement that
    you will be living in a joint family.
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    Now, as far as this issue is concerned
    that conditions don't remain the same,
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    then such exceptions are everywhere.
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    But it should be clear what the overall
    orientation before the marriage was.
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    This is fine if you may have had separate
    living quarters before marriage,
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    but if the situation arises such that
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    you have to make your wife
    to live with her in-laws,
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    then at that time, you will talk to her,
    convince her by saying,
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    "Alright, I had made an agreement
    with you to live separately,
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    so now I am leaving this thing to your
    discretion, if you want to support me,
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    then that's a great thing.
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    This should also be written
    in that agreement.
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    It should be decided in advance that
    whether the wife will live with you
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    independently or with her in-laws.
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    Similarly, the third thing is that it
    should also be decided that
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    they both will plan for the birth
    of a child with mutual consent,
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    and the life orientation of both
    of them for that should be clear.
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    Does the boy immediately wants a child?
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    If yes, then let him clear
    this before marriage
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    that he wants a child as soon as possible.
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    And if the girl wants to say that
    "No, I am not mentally ready for it yet,
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    as I want to enjoy life and to
    experience the situation for now.
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    I will plan for it in near future",
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    then let her express her wish
    before the marriage.
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    And if you don't do this,
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    then this conflict will take place in
    a few days after the marriage.
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    Your in-laws will start expressing their
    wish for the birth of their grandchild,
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    in order to fulfill their desire
    to play with the baby.
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    And you on the other hand, will have
    quarrels at the beginning
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    of your marriage and life will become
    complicated and troublesome.
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    So this must be decided in advance.
    Similarly, a man and woman should
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    also decide what their overall educational
    and social background is?
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    Have they moved forward since childhood
    with this passion to make a name for
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    themselves in some field,
    to move forward and to work?
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    For example, a woman worked hard right
    from her childhood and then got an
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    admission in a medical college on merit
    and finally became a doctor.
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    And now that she is married, her husband
    is not allowing her to do her job.
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    So this must be decided in advance because
    one is educated before the marriage.
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    So it must be written in advance that
    "I am a doctor and I want to do my job,
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    and there can arise this and this
    complication because of my job,
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    so I am only marrying on the condition
    that you'll adjust or manage this thing."
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    So these are few things that
    I have mentioned very briefly.
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    So everyone depending on their
    circumstances, their background,
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    and their economic condition, can mutually
    share such conditions with their spouse.
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    And the thing is that words are left in
    the air. Only the written words matter.
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    The guidance from Allah in this regard is
    also to write down such things in order.
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    This is because when the conflict arises,
    at that time, things like understanding,
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    mutual respect, etc. become
    meaningless. They don't work.
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    On such occasions, it is a written
    document that works.
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    So I will advice this thing
    particularly to women,
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    because a man still has a privilege
    to marry to a second wife.
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    But if the woman has delivered a child,
    and if a conflict arose after that,
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    then where will she go?
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    Hence, she must have the privilege to draw
    her husband's attention to the agreement
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    that they had agreed upon.
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    And as far as the issue of divorce goes,
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    then that should be declared
    as null and void by men.
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    That is, the divorce from a man
    should not be considered,
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    even if he keeps uttering
    this word everyday.
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    And if he says it in anger or in a state
    of intoxication or when overcome,
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    or as a reactionary response
    or in any depression,
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    then no divorce will take place,
    until he makes his wife's father,
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    and his own father as witnesses to
    his saying that he is divorcing her.
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    We all know this that a familial life is
    formed by living with friendship, love,
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    affection, trust, loving relationships
    and by supporting each other.
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    It is also a given fact that life comes
    with situations of ups and downs.
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    And the marriage is not any business
    deal whose pros and cons,
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    and nitty-gritty you will decide.
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    However, you should have clarity
    regarding those basic issues,
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    that may arise the next day
    after the marriage.
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    And let me say that if there happened to
    be this clarity of issues between couples,
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    then you will resolve those disputes
    and conflicts which may arise,
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    in this light and this spirit, saying that
    we are not for creating conflicts,
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    rather we are for resolving conflicts.
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    So I will advocate for having a proforma
    or a document to be signed by
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    every Muslim boy and Muslim girl
    before getting married,
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    and to make witnesses
    on it and say that,
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    "We are deciding this thing by consensus
    in such and such matter,
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    and if there is ever any
    disagreement in them,
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    then we will revise this document again
    under the guidance of these same elders.
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    For example, if the situation
    of the boy worsened,
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    and if he needed to shift
    to his parent's home,
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    then he should make a request to
    his wife, he should talk to her.
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    He should not intimidate her,
    or threaten her of the divorce,
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    and say that "I had agreed on these terms
    in those circumstances, so then come on,
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    we will be with parents and will revise
    the document by your permission,
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    otherwise I have no
    other option left."
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    So this is the thing due to which I think
    big conflicts can be reduced.
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    "Aqoolu qawli haaza wa astagfirullah li wa
    lakum walisairil muslimin."
Title:
Shadi Say Pehlay Chand Aham Faislay - Muhammad Hassan Ilyas
Description:

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Video Language:
Urdu
Duration:
10:45

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