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[Hassan Ilyas] I begin in the name 
of Allah, most gracious, forever merciful.

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Peace be upon you.

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If you go to the internet,

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and see the questions of people
on different religious websites,

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as we ourselves experience
this day in and day out,

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because people approach us for religious 
guidance in various matters,

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then most of those issues and questions
are related to family and marital affairs.

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Issues like a husband who has 
divorced his wife in anger,

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a dispute between husband and wife on 
whether or not the wife can have a job?

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Or a question like, should husband and
wife live in a joint family with parents,

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since the wife is demanding 
for a separate living?

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Or disagreements that have arisen 
over the birth of children.

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Or the issue that a husband wants to go 
abroad to study but the wife doesn't

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want to leave her parents
in their home country.

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There are dozens of such issues of the 
young Muslim married couples

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that are received day and night.

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And these are the issues and
disputes, because of which

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the institution of a family is ultimately
led to ruin and destruction.

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I usually interact with young people,

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and I directly hear and 
understand these issues,

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so during this time period, 
an idea developed in my mind.

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And I think that if that idea is 
further scrutinized and reformed,

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then perhaps that could lead to
some improvement in the future.

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And that idea is that when a Muslim 
man and woman wants to get married,

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then at the time of a marriage, 
there happens to be a

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marriage certificate which you sign.

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Even though a box happens to be drawn
on that marriage certificate so that

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any conditions, or obligations or any 
compulsory duties that you want to set,

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could be written in that box.

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But in our culture, that box is cut out
with slanting lines because it is thought

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that if you demand something on
that occasion, then it is seen as

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an attempt to create a kind of rift at the
very beginning of a relationship.

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In my opinion, this is a very 
wrong attitude and tradition.

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This tradition should be revived.

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And even if this revision may not happen
in the marriage certificate,

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as that has now become a cultural
identity and a cultural status,

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but every man and woman should
together sign a mutual agreement.

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That is, before marriage, there 
should be an agreement,

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which could be a legal document in which
you make some people as witnesses,

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but that agreement should be signed
between a boy and a girl.

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There are some basic things in that
agreement that need to be agreed upon.

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For example, a husband should write 
in the agreement that if he ever, having

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been overcome by an emotional state or 
as a reaction, or if under any depression,

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says the word "divorce" to his wife, then
that must not be considered as divorce,

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until he consciously divorces his wife in 
a written format and by making the

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family members from both 
the sides as witnesses.

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That is, in our culture, you know that the
word 'divorce'

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is a placeholder for using expletives.

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When a man gets angry, he even utters the
word "Divorce" along with the verbal abuse

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and then he would regret and say, "No, I 
didn't mean to divorce my wife,

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I just said that in anger, in order 
to teach her a lesson that

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I can divorce her as well.

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So for God's sake, nullify my divorce as 
I don't want to divorce my wife."

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So that's why it is important that 
a man should first clarify this that

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if he ever uttered this nonsensical word
to his wife, then his saying and statement

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is that his divorce should not be 
considered until he divorces his wife

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in normal circumstances and 
in a normal state of mind,

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by making his wife's parents and his own 
parents as witnesses to his divorce.

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So till then every utterance of divorce 
from him should be null and void.

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This kind of an agreement should be
there.

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And when someone in anger or as a 
reactionary response utters this word,

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then he should retreat from this, rather
this should be written in that agreement

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that if one ever did such a mistake, 
then one would pay the fine for it.

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It should also be written in the agreement
that one is making it incumbent upon

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oneself and promising it that one will 
either fast for these many days

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or will pay this much of ransom 
or will pay the fine to one's wife,

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if one utters such a word.

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You see, if this is imposed then the man
will have this in mind that it's of no use

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to utter the word "divorce" in place 
of some verbal abuse in anger and

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on the contrary, it will be harmful.

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And thus, because of it, that immediate 
reaction which shatter families,

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will come to an end and it will also 
become the means to save such families.

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Likewise, the issue of where will 
the wife live after the marriage

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should also be decided.

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This should be decided before the
marriage not after the marriage.

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And that's because you already 
know things like your income,

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the condition of your parents, whether 
they are old, alone or helpless.

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Or are you the only person 
to support them?

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If yes, then tell this to your
spouse before marriage,

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write it in that agreement that
you will be living in a joint family.

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Now, as far as this issue is concerned
that conditions don't remain the same,

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then such exceptions are everywhere.

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But it should be clear what the overall 
orientation before the marriage was.

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This is fine if you may have had separate
living quarters before marriage,

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but if the situation arises such that

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you have to make your wife 
to live with her in-laws,

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then at that time, you will talk to her, 
convince her by saying,

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"Alright, I had made an agreement
with you to live separately,

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so now I am leaving this thing to your
discretion, if you want to support me,

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then that's a great thing.

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This should also be written
in that agreement.

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It should be decided in advance that 
whether the wife will live with you

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independently or with her in-laws.

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Similarly, the third thing is that it 
should also be decided that

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they both will plan for the birth
of a child with mutual consent,

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and the life orientation of both 
of them for that should be clear.

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Does the boy immediately wants a child?

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If yes, then let him clear 
this before marriage

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that he wants a child as soon as possible.

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And if the girl wants to say that 
"No, I am not mentally ready for it yet,

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as I want to enjoy life and to 
experience the situation for now.

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I will plan for it in near future",

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then let her express her wish
before the marriage.

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And if you don't do this,

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then this conflict will take place in 
a few days after the marriage.

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Your in-laws will start expressing their 
wish for the birth of their grandchild,

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in order to fulfill their desire
to play with the baby.

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And you on the other hand, will have 
quarrels at the beginning

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of your marriage and life will become
complicated and troublesome.

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So this must be decided in advance.
Similarly, a man and woman should

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also decide what their overall educational
and social background is?

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Have they moved forward since childhood 
with this passion to make a name for

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themselves in some field, 
to move forward and to work?

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For example, a woman worked hard right 
from her childhood and then got an

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admission in a medical college on merit
and finally became a doctor.

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And now that she is married, her husband
is not allowing her to do her job.

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So this must be decided in advance because
one is educated before the marriage.

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So it must be written in advance that 
"I am a doctor and I want to do my job,

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and there can arise this and this
complication because of my job,

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so I am only marrying on the condition
that you'll adjust or manage this thing."

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So these are few things that 
I have mentioned very briefly.

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So everyone depending on their 
circumstances, their background,

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and their economic condition, can mutually
share such conditions with their spouse.

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And the thing is that words are left in 
the air. Only the written words matter.

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The guidance from Allah in this regard is
also to write down such things in order.

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This is because when the conflict arises,
at that time, things like understanding,

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mutual respect, etc. become 
meaningless. They don't work.

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On such occasions, it is a written 
document that works.

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So I will advice this thing 
particularly to women,

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because a man still has a privilege
to marry to a second wife.

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But if the woman has delivered a child,
and if a conflict arose after that,

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then where will she go?

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Hence, she must have the privilege to draw
her husband's attention to the agreement

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that they had agreed upon.

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And as far as the issue of divorce goes,

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then that should be declared 
as null and void by men.

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That is, the divorce from a man 
should not be considered,

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even if he keeps uttering 
this word everyday.

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And if he says it in anger or in a state
of intoxication or when overcome,

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or as a reactionary response
or in any depression,

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then no divorce will take place,
until he makes his wife's father,

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and his own father as witnesses to 
his saying that he is divorcing her.

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We all know this that a familial life is
formed by living with friendship, love,

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affection, trust, loving relationships
and by supporting each other.

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It is also a given fact that life comes 
with situations of ups and downs.

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And the marriage is not any business 
deal whose pros and cons,

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and nitty-gritty you will decide.

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However, you should have clarity 
regarding those basic issues,

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that may arise the next day
after the marriage.

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And let me say that if there happened to 
be this clarity of issues between couples,

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then you will resolve those disputes
and conflicts which may arise,

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in this light and this spirit, saying that
we are not for creating conflicts,

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rather we are for resolving conflicts.

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So I will advocate for having a proforma
or a document to be signed by

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every Muslim boy and Muslim girl
before getting married,

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and to make witnesses
on it and say that,

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"We are deciding this thing by consensus
in such and such matter,

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and if there is ever any 
disagreement in them,

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then we will revise this document again
under the guidance of these same elders.

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For example, if the situation 
of the boy worsened,

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and if he needed to shift 
to his parent's home,

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then he should make a request to 
his wife, he should talk to her.

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He should not intimidate her, 
or threaten her of the divorce,

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and say that "I had agreed on these terms
in those circumstances, so then come on,

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we will be with parents and will revise
the document by your permission,

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otherwise I have no 
other option left."

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So this is the thing due to which I think
big conflicts can be reduced.

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"Aqoolu qawli haaza wa astagfirullah li wa
lakum walisairil muslimin."