[Circus music]
[Applause]
We are organizing a baseball team
here at the Retired Actors' Home.
I am the manager. Now...
You're going to be the manager
of the Retired Actors' baseball team?
Yes.
I would like to join the Retired Actors' baseball team.
Oh, you would?
I would like to know some of the guys' names
on the team, so if I want to play with them, I know them.
If I meet them on the street, I can say "Hello" to them.
Oh. Sure.
But you know, they give baseball players nowadays,
very peculiar names.
Oh? A lot of funny names.
You know, like "Stinky Fields."
"Goofy Dan."
"Boobie Barber."
[Laughs]
On our team, we have:
"Who" is on first,
"What" is on second,
"I don't know" is on third.
That's what I want to find out. The guys' names.
Huh?
That's what I want to find out. The guys' names.
I'm telling you.
"Who" is on first, "What" is on second, "I don't know" is on third.
Abbott, you gonna be the manager of the baseball team?
Yes.
You know the guys' names?
Why, sure.
Well, you tell me the guys' names on the baseball team.
I say: "Who" is on first,
"What" is on second,
"I don't know" is on third.
You ain't said nothing to me yet.
Go ahead and tell me.
I'm telling him. Look.
Tell me.
"Who" Is on first,
"What" is on second.
"I don't know" is on third.
You know the guys' names on the baseball team?
Yes.
Go ahead. Who's on first?
Yes.
I mean, the guy's name.
"Who."
The guy playing first.
"Who."
The guy playing first base.
"Who!"
The guy on first base.
"Who" is on first.
What are you asking me for?! I don't know!
Wait, I'm not...
I'm asking YOU who is on first.
That is his name.
Go ahead and tell me.
"Who."
The guy on first.
That's it.
That's his name!
You ain't said nothing. I ain't asked you nothing.
Yes you did.
You know the guy's name on first base?
Sure.
Tell me the guy's name on first base.
"Who."
The guy playing first base.
"Who" is on first, Lou.
What are ya asking me for?!
Now, don't get excited. I'm saying "Who..."
I'm asking you a simple question: Who is on first?
Yes.
Well go ahead and tell me.
That's it.
That's who?
Yes.
I'm asking you. What is the guy's name on first base?
No, "What" is on second.
I'm not asking you who is on second.
"Who" is on first.
One base at a time, now!
Don't mix up my players.
I'm not mixing up anybody.
Now, what's the guy's name on first base?
No, "What" is on second.
I'm not asking you who is on second!
"Who" is on first.
I don't know.
He is on third.
Wait a minute. Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
How did I get on third base?
You mentioned his name.
I mentioned his name?
Yes.
I don't know anybody's name on the team.
How could I mention the guy's name?
You did. You just mentioned it.
All right. What is the guy's name on third base?
No. "What" is on second.
Who is on second?
"Who" is in first.
I don't know.
He's on third.
I didn't even mention the guy's name on third base!
Yes you did, Lou.
All right. Then, who is playing third base?
No, "Who" is on first.
I'm not asking you what is on first.
"What" is on second.
Who is on second?
"Who" is on first.
I don't know.
[Both] Third base.
I don't know anybody on the baseball team.
You do.
You mentioned their names.
I do?
Sure.
You got an outfield?
Naturally.
The left fielder's name?
"Why."
[Laughter]
I just thought I'd ask.
I thought I'd tell you.
Go ahead. Tell me.
Tell you what?
The left fielder's name.
"Why."
Because I want to know!
Because!
Oh, he's center field.
You know these players.
Who is in center field?
No, "Who" is on first.
What's on first?
"What" is on second.
I don't know.
[Both] Third base.
Do you know the guys' names on the team?
You don't seem to understand.
See, I have a first baseman...
I know. I asked what's the first baseman's name?
No. "What" is the second baseman's name.
I asked you: What is the first baseman's name?
"What" is the second baseman's name.
I don't even get past the first...
All right. Who is on second?
"Who" is on first.
What base do you want to talk about?!
You talk about any one you want.
All right. Now. Who is on first.
Right.
Okay. [Splutters]
Now...stop that.
All right. You got a first baseman.
Yes.
When you pay the first baseman every month,
who gets the money?
Every dollar of it.
Who gets it?
He does.
Sometimes, his wife comes down, and collects it.
Whose wife?
Yes.
Why not, Lou? He's earned it.
Who did?
Yes.
When you pay the first baseman every month,
you get a receipt from the guy?
Sure.
How does he sign his name?
"Who."
The guy you give the money to.
"Who."
The guy you give the money to.
Well, that's how he signs it, Lou.
That's how who signs it?
Yes.
Go on and tell me.
That's it.
Who?
Right.
Look: You go to the first baseman.
Yes.
You tell him: "Here is your money. Sign the receipt."
How does he sign his name?
"Who."
The guy you give the money to.
That's how he signs it.
That's how who signs it?
Yes.
Sure.
He... [Splutters]
You gotta get a receipt, don't you?
I get one, Lou.
How does the guy on first base sign his name?
"WHO."
The guy on first.
That's how he signs it.
I'm asking you: What's the guy's name you give the money to?
No, wait. "What" signs his own.
Who signs his own?
No, "Who" signs his.
What's the guy's name on first...
"What" is on second base.
I'm not asking you who is on second.
"Who" is on first.
I don't know.
[Both] Third base.
[Laughter]
The left fielder's name, the center fielder...
You got a pitcher on the team?
It would be a fine team without a pitcher.
It's a fine team anyway.
What is the pitcher's name?