WEBVTT

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But you weren't really
that funny or snappy in reality,

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you only thought
of comebacks on the way home,

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but she doesn't need to know that.

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She's on her third martini,
she's ready to go.

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Good afternoon, everything all good?

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(Audience) Yeah!

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Lovely.

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We're all storytellers
at different points in our lives.

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We've all told stories in different ways
in different scenarios.

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Whether you've been a parent
telling a child a bed time story

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in a desperate bid
to make them go to sleep,

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whether you've been
a friend telling a friend

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about another friend's
drunken antic at the weekend

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to make yourself seem
slightly less embarrassed.

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Or whether you've been
at a party telling a story

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to try and impress
the red-head in the corner

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and you regale a tale about this time
you were very witty and snappy,

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and this verbal encounter
you had with another person.

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We all tell stories
in different ways as well.

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When my dad tells stories
he's straight to the point.

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It's all the facts, no frills.

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This happened, this happened
then this happened,

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therefore this happened.

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Moral of this story is:

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Don't drink tequila with your mother
otherwise you happen.

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(Laughter)

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When my mum tells a story,
she likes to have all the extra details,

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all the back stories,
all the character biographies

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and by the end, it's been like
a nine-hour version of Inception.

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You're not sure what's happened

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you just know apparently someone
your mum works with is a bit of a cow.

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(Laughter)

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When my grandparents tell stories

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they tell stories
the way old people tell stories.

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They're very humble, don't like to brag.

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It's always stuff like: "Oh,
and then I got my medal

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from Winston Churchill

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for saving all those orphans,
but enough about me, how's school?

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Children are the opposite.


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When my brothers tell stories,
they do the thing all children do

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which is they have so much
enthusiasm and excitement

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that they promise a story that's never
going to live up to your expectations.

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"And then what happened?"
"And then we went outside."

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"And then what happened?"
"Then Matthew was here."

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"Then what happened?"
"Then he farted."

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"Great."

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90% of stories
my brothers have told me

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has always ended with
an unpleasant bodily function.

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Everyone is a storyteller,
even in the media:

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television, newspapers, tabloids,
podcasts, music, artists.

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Everything's a different way
of telling a story.

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I tell stories differently as well.

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I'm a comedian.

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I tell stories that are punchy, jokey,
all the way through in order to keep

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an audiences ever-shortening
attention span solely focus on me.

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I tell true stories,
I tell exaggerated stories,

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I tell stories that are completely
and utterly made up. Total lies.

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Like, I'll have been sitting
with my friends, having a drink,

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and one of them'll say something like:

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"Ah, wouldn't it be funny
if this happened?"

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And I'll think to myself:

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"Yeah, that would be funny."

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And then I shamelessly
take it down in my iPhone.

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Take it home. Write out. And somehow
integrate myself into this story

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so I'd become a hero,

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so I can then go out on stage

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in front of a room full of strangers,

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in a desperate bid to get them to like me.

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(Laughter)

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Because that's all a comedian is.

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We're desperate storytellers.

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All we do is go out to a room
full of people we've never met

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and beg them to like us.

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So if at any point you're wondering
why I agreed to do this talk,

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that's why.

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(Laughter)

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And also because my mum told me

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that if I turn down
the opportunity to do a TEDTalk,

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she'd put me up for adoption.

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I'm 22 years old,
I don't know how she'd go about that,

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but it's best not to argue with her
when she's been drinking.

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You see that?

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That was a perfect example.
I made that entirely up,

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just so half of you went: "Ha"

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(Laughter)

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I was willing to fabricate
a story about my mother

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being an alcoholic
with an emotional problem

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who was willing to disown me
as a human being

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(Laughter)

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just so 50 of you went: "Very good."

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That's what I mean by
"desperate storyteller".

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And the thing is we're
the only storytellers, though,

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that really get in trouble
for our stories.

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Every few weeks there is
something in the newspaper

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about this comedian
that said something awful or offensive

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that's offended one member of the audience

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who, by the way,
nine times out of ten, is an idiot.

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And then they talk about it
on the news and everything.

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They get scientists and doctors
to come on and analyse the joke,

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interview the traumatized audience member,
and then they all sit down

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and discuss, at length, a joke

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which lasted one minute
in an hour-long set

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and we all sit patiently

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and wait for the officials to tell us
whether we were offended or not.

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And then at the end of it,
they decide that we're offended.

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Perhaps the comedian
shouldn't talk about rape or murder,

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those sort of things on stage,

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that they shouldn't be
broadcast in a household

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and we all feel
quite good about ourselves.

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Then switch over
to Eastenders or True Blood

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where there are scenes of murder,
sexual audacity, drug abuse,

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racially invoked crimes
and we all go: "This is amazing!"

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Why is it different?

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How come when a comedian
says something as a joke,

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it's offensive?

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But when it's acted out in front of you,

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it's intriguing, it's a twist.

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Actors are never criticized
or abused for their roles in films.

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Nobody came out
of "Inglorious Bastards" going:

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"Oh, I can't believe Christopher Waltz
killed all those Jewish people.

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What an awful man!"

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Nobody came out Harry Potter 
thinking: "You know what?

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I never trusted Snape.

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Not since he had that awful German accent
and tried to kill John McClane.

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(Laughter)

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There you go.

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People don't get upset because
they know it's fake.

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They know the actors on stage
are just portraying characters.

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So are comedians.

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That's our job,

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We're storytellers but we're also so vain

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that we like to put ourselves
in the stories.

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We're the writers, directors,
and stars of our own show

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where we're just playing
an exaggerated parody of ourselves.

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Because we're not going
to be ourselves onstage.

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We might play a version of ourselves.
But we can't be our true selves.

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If we were to come on stage
and talk to you about our real opinions

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with balanced, thought-through points,
we wouldn't be comedians,

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we would be politicians
and you'd hate us even more.

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Right?

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When we come on stage, we have to
find ways to make you laugh

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and our way of doing that is to come out

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and say something
completely stupid and ludicrous

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to make you laugh.

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Another method of doing it
is to take a completely, utterly,

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point that no one would agree with,

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something very obscure and blatantly wrong

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and find a way to twist it round

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and make it seem valid just for a second.

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For example, if I were
to make the statement:

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"I don't think children should smoke."

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Everyone in this room
would agree with it, yeah?

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But if i were to
come out on stage and say:

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"I think every child under the age of 13

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should be forced to smoke
four packs of cigarettes a day

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because as my brothers are getting older,

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it turns out they're very close
to being able to beat me in a foot race.

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That's a way of turning it around.

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You're not laughing at the fact
that I'm trying to kill my brothers.

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You're laughing at me for being an idiot
for thinking that's a good idea. OK?

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And that's what we do with our comedy.

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We're playing stupid versions 
of ourselves. For example,

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if Ricky Gervais, Frankie Boyle,
or Jimmy Carr

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were actually as big as

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the bigoted, racist, fascist,
homophobic, sexists

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that the Daily Mail made them out to be,

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they would probably end up
working for the Daily Mail.

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(Laughter)

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They're making the stuff up
to get that reaction from you.

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The reason I mentioned those names -
Frankie Boyle, Ricky Gervais, Jimmy Carr -

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is they're the names commonly
associated with "offensive comedy."

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The reason I put offensive comedy
in inverted commas there

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isn't because I'm young and hip,

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it's because, basically, I don't really
get the term "offensive comedy."

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No comedian wants to offend you,
that's not our job.

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Our job is to make you laugh,

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make you think,

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make you smile,
make you want to sleep with us

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so that our night in that hotel room
is slightly less depressing.

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(Laughter)

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Not to upset you in any way, shape, form.

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Because, the thing about it is
when comedians are telling these stories,

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it's to get any form
of a reaction out of you.

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And Jimmy Carr, famously,
was in trouble recently.

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He made a joke about the Paralympics.

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He made a joke that our troops
in Iraq were getting injured

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but at least that would make us have
a good Paralympic team.

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And people went mental.

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People were so upset.

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If you were to believe the tabloids,
trains stopped on the track

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so that people could get off
in order to vomit

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at how disgusted they were by this joke.

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People killed themselves,
they were so disgusted by what he said.

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Alright? That's not the case.

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The only people who were not
offended by that joke?

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The war veterans,

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who found it hysterical.

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They thought it was great.
They repeated to each other.

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So if they weren't offended by that joke,

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who's got the right to be offended?

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People have developed
an amazing new ability recently.

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People can be offended
on behalf of other people.

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You can't be offended
on behalf of someone.

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Feelings are non-transferable.

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You can't be a husband
standing beside a wife giving birth going:

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"Don't worry, honey.
I'm feeling pain on behalf of you."

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She would beat you to death.

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(Laughter)

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Nobody asked these people
to be offended on behalf of them.

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They just did it themselves.

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They jumped in front of a bullet
that was heading towards a tree.

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It's amazing.

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One of the other topics, one of the most
controversial ones last year,

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Alright? It was a blatantly stupid
sacrifice they never needed to make.

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was that Frankie Boyle

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made his comment
about Katie Price and her family.

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Regardless of your opinions on the joke,
which everyone will be divided on,

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don't pay that in context,
you have to understand

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that Frankie Boyle made those jokes

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about Katie Price.

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Not to her.

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About her.

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He made that joke onstage
in front of a room full of people

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who were fully expecting him
to make that sort of comment.

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It wasn't until the newspapers
phoned up Katie Price

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and repeated that joke to her
several times

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in order to get a reaction.

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That's when she knew about it.

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I am fully aware

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that there are many people
out there in the world

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who don't like me,

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who say mean things about me everyday,

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but I'd rather not know.

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OK?

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If you came up to me and you told me that
there was a man I'd never met before

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who was saying horrible things about me

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and you then listed the awful things
he said about me to my face,

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you're the bad guy.

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That person has the right to say
whatever he wants about me.

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I've never met him but he can say
what he wants, that's his right.

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It wasn't until you told me
that I knew it was going on.

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You've turned it into a personal attack.

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Mostly when comedians
are making jokes about

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these celebrities and celebrity culture,

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it's no different from stuff
you hear from friends.

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The banter we have
every day with our mates

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about some celebrity on television
that we don't particularly like.

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Are you trying to suggest
that celebrities

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don't know they're ridiculed
by the general public?

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That Katie Price thinks
that Frankie Boyle

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is the only comedian that
doesn't respect her life choices?

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No, of course.

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We're just individuals,
willing to risk going onstage, saying

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what everyone else down
the pub is saying on a Friday night.

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It seems the general public can say
whatever they want about celebrities

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but comedians can't, and that's hypocrisy.

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That's not fair.

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There is a market for shock comedy.

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A huge market, OK?

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But there's also a market for
legging sadomasochism and Justin Bieber.

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All arguably more offensive
than anything anyone's ever said.

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I'm not trying to say that you
shouldn't be offended or upset by things.

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I'm in no position to tell you
what should or shouldn't upset you.

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That is your right
to react however you want

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But,

00:11:09.895 --> 00:11:11.755
we comedians also have a right;

00:11:11.755 --> 00:11:14.525
a right to say whatever we want
to make our audience laugh

00:11:14.525 --> 00:11:16.455
and get the reaction that we want.

00:11:16.455 --> 00:11:18.455
We're fortunate enough
to live in a society

00:11:18.455 --> 00:11:20.364
where there is loads of comedy nowadays.

00:11:20.364 --> 00:11:22.104
Comedy's bigger than it's ever been.

00:11:22.104 --> 00:11:25.494
So if you don't like one style of comedy,
you can go see another one.

00:11:25.524 --> 00:11:26.744
Everything's catered for.

00:11:26.836 --> 00:11:30.576
But we should be allowed to do
whatever makes our audience laugh.

00:11:30.576 --> 00:11:32.006
Not people that weren't there,

00:11:32.006 --> 00:11:35.245
the audience that paid to come see us,
that traveled around the world

00:11:35.245 --> 00:11:38.074
and countries sometimes to come
and see us do what we do

00:11:38.074 --> 00:11:40.884
without having to worry that
there's someone in the audience

00:11:40.884 --> 00:11:44.494
who might take one of our jokes
out of context and then repeat it.

00:11:44.644 --> 00:11:47.474
Because most of the time
the jokes are taken out of context.

00:11:47.474 --> 00:11:50.374
You know, you're only given
the brutal punchline.

00:11:50.374 --> 00:11:52.674
You're only told the joke
by a news presenter

00:11:52.674 --> 00:11:54.654
with her sour face just repeating it.

00:11:54.785 --> 00:11:56.325
That's not how it was delivered.

00:11:56.325 --> 00:11:57.765
You're not given the context,

00:11:57.765 --> 00:11:59.055
you're not given the setup,

00:11:59.055 --> 00:12:00.585
you're not given the atmosphere,

00:12:00.585 --> 00:12:02.635
you're not even given
the audience reaction.

00:12:02.635 --> 00:12:06.345
And that's not fair. You don't take other
storyteller's stories out of context.

00:12:06.345 --> 00:12:08.675
If I were to tell you 
when I was five years old,

00:12:08.675 --> 00:12:11.527
my dad would tell my a story
about a mass murderer

00:12:11.527 --> 00:12:13.997
who would disguise himself
as a close relative

00:12:13.997 --> 00:12:17.617
in order to get close to a young girl
so that he could have his way with her,

00:12:17.617 --> 00:12:20.887
and just before he managed to do that,
he was brutally murdered.

00:12:20.887 --> 00:12:23.257
Everyone would agree that
my dad's a dreadful man.

00:12:23.888 --> 00:12:24.898
But if i point out

00:12:24.898 --> 00:12:28.018
that that's the basic story line
for 'Little Red Riding Hood,'

00:12:28.673 --> 00:12:31.383
a lot less people are phoning
child services. OK?

00:12:31.383 --> 00:12:34.963
You know how it was intended
to be delivered and you expected that way.

00:12:34.963 --> 00:12:35.693
Alright?

00:12:35.952 --> 00:12:39.052
A story is just a story,
and a joke is just a joke.

00:12:39.646 --> 00:12:43.006
You knew the stories that you heard
as a kid weren't true. Right?

00:12:43.006 --> 00:12:46.236
There was no monster under the bed,
no Boogie Man in the corner.

00:12:46.236 --> 00:12:48.526
Your granddad wasn't really
ripping off his thumb

00:12:48.526 --> 00:12:50.806
and taking the pain exceptionally well.

00:12:51.479 --> 00:12:52.479
He was just doing it.

00:12:52.479 --> 00:12:55.429
Please apply the same logic
to our stories.

00:12:55.429 --> 00:12:57.449
We're saying these jokes as jokes.

00:12:57.449 --> 00:13:01.121
There's very rarely
malicious intent behind it.

00:13:01.451 --> 00:13:05.141
There may not be jokes that you like,
but what we're doing is taking a concept

00:13:05.141 --> 00:13:06.441
and we're exaggerating it,

00:13:06.441 --> 00:13:07.551
lying about it,

00:13:07.551 --> 00:13:10.091
turning it in such a way
you weren't expecting it.

00:13:10.091 --> 00:13:12.841
And sometimes, we turn it in a way
that you don't like.

00:13:12.841 --> 00:13:14.331
But that's your problem.

00:13:14.331 --> 00:13:16.151
The world doesn't revolve around you.

00:13:16.151 --> 00:13:16.891
Ignore it.

00:13:16.891 --> 00:13:17.631
Move on.

00:13:17.631 --> 00:13:18.891
Forget about it.

00:13:19.006 --> 00:13:19.766
Alright?

00:13:19.766 --> 00:13:23.016
You seem to assume that comedians
haven't gone through any hardships.

00:13:23.016 --> 00:13:26.946
Whereas most of the time it's a hardship
that's caused us to get into comedy.

00:13:26.946 --> 00:13:29.986
Our reaction to our hardships
was to make light of the situation

00:13:29.986 --> 00:13:32.516
and get over it, as opposed to
going round the country

00:13:32.516 --> 00:13:36.153
making sure that nobody ever mentions
it ever again to hurt my delicate soul.

00:13:36.153 --> 00:13:38.783
So that's my point,
that's the point I'm trying to make.

00:13:38.783 --> 00:13:41.703
If at any point you've [dis]agreed
with anything I've said,

00:13:41.703 --> 00:13:44.082
don't worry, it was just
a story, I made it all up.

00:13:44.082 --> 00:13:45.252
Thank you very much.

00:13:45.252 --> 00:13:48.842
(Applause)