0:00:00.992,0:00:03.742
(birds chirping)

0:00:09.480,0:00:13.860
- I think for me and a lot of[br]other trans girls that I know,

0:00:13.860,0:00:16.953
the bedroom starts to[br]feel like a sanctuary.

0:00:17.970,0:00:19.980
It's a space to feel safe

0:00:19.980,0:00:23.763
and maybe not have to deal[br]with what exists in the world.

0:00:24.606,0:00:27.210
(soothing tones)

0:00:27.210,0:00:30.030
We created a replica of my bedroom

0:00:30.030,0:00:32.175
in the actual gallery space.

0:00:32.175,0:00:34.925
(soothing tones)

0:00:35.820,0:00:38.310
It really feels like a full universe

0:00:38.310,0:00:40.200
that I'm trying to convey

0:00:40.200,0:00:42.600
of trans women in their bedroom

0:00:42.600,0:00:46.590
dreaming up their future and possibilities

0:00:46.590,0:00:48.090
and maybe even possibilities

0:00:48.090,0:00:50.343
if the world wasn't the way that it was.

0:00:51.531,0:00:54.281
(soothing music)

0:01:01.773,0:01:04.523
(people talking)

0:01:12.810,0:01:14.550
Places from my past

0:01:14.550,0:01:16.800
and places that I dream of for the future,

0:01:16.800,0:01:20.141
both kind of act as gardens to the room.

0:01:20.141,0:01:22.770
(soothing music)

0:01:22.770,0:01:25.680
When I had a brain tumor,[br]I really treated CBD

0:01:25.680,0:01:29.130
as a sacred medicine, which[br]is in Japanese history

0:01:29.130,0:01:31.885
and is in indigenous histories.

0:01:31.885,0:01:35.448
(soothing music)

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I dream of having a farm in the future,

0:01:38.760,0:01:40.262
but then it's hard

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'cause it's pretty[br]hostile in rural places.

0:01:45.515,0:01:49.044
And then Torii gates are[br]always this symbol in Shintoism

0:01:49.044,0:01:50.578
of a sacred spot.

0:01:52.680,0:01:54.870
So I think it all comes[br]together in this way

0:01:54.870,0:01:59.403
that it does form a memory[br]scape and a kind of longing.

0:02:02.107,0:02:04.857
(people talking)

0:02:14.370,0:02:17.370
A big part of existing as a trans person

0:02:17.370,0:02:21.060
is the fear that underlies everything.

0:02:21.060,0:02:23.160
But art is the realm where I feel like

0:02:23.160,0:02:25.830
I get to dictate things,[br]and I get to, you know,

0:02:25.830,0:02:28.435
have some sort of say in things.

0:02:28.435,0:02:31.185
(soothing music)

0:02:33.990,0:02:37.410
I worked in a nonprofit[br]called Trans Latina.

0:02:37.410,0:02:40.770
Art opportunities were coming[br]around more, so I was like

0:02:40.770,0:02:44.660
maybe I can incorporate[br]social work into this.

0:02:44.660,0:02:47.946
That started off by doing HIV[br]testing inside the museum.

0:02:51.420,0:02:54.060
I used to be like, this[br]is activism or this is art

0:02:54.060,0:02:55.560
or this is escapism.

0:02:55.560,0:02:58.503
But in reality a lot starts to intertwine.

0:02:58.503,0:03:00.928
(soothing music)

0:03:07.260,0:03:09.210
We were just starting to date

0:03:09.210,0:03:10.530
right before the exhibition,

0:03:10.530,0:03:13.890
and so I remember even[br]feeling bad like, okay,

0:03:13.890,0:03:15.390
how am I gonna tell him?

0:03:15.390,0:03:17.250
- I didn't know what to think of it

0:03:17.250,0:03:18.400
because I never really,

0:03:19.743,0:03:22.467
I never really met a person[br]that like does like art art,

0:03:22.467,0:03:23.634
like real art.

0:03:26.160,0:03:28.210
I thought it was a little crazy at first.

0:03:29.130,0:03:31.620
I was a little nervous to be on display

0:03:31.620,0:03:33.030
because I am a private person.

0:03:33.030,0:03:35.160
But like when she like[br]showed me everything,

0:03:35.160,0:03:37.290
and I was like, oh, I understand now.

0:03:37.290,0:03:39.673
It was just great. It was genius.

0:03:49.790,0:03:51.778
- I was grateful you were there with me

0:03:51.778,0:03:54.673
so that I didn't have to[br]feel alone in the fishbowl.

0:03:57.990,0:04:00.990
It isn't always in the[br]front of my consciousness

0:04:00.990,0:04:02.040
that I'm being filmed,

0:04:02.040,0:04:05.013
but the feeling of it doesn't go away.

0:04:06.330,0:04:08.250
I grew up in Texas.

0:04:08.250,0:04:11.010
Everyone in my school had guns on display,

0:04:11.010,0:04:13.230
and I felt like I had[br]to hide all the time.

0:04:13.230,0:04:17.490
So I made friends online and[br]lived under a screen name.

0:04:17.490,0:04:20.280
So I think that mediation[br]through the screen

0:04:20.280,0:04:23.160
was something that I've[br]always thought about.

0:04:23.160,0:04:24.960
I've always found that kind of blurry,

0:04:24.960,0:04:28.503
that line between what you[br]share and what you don't share.

0:04:31.888,0:04:35.850
I knew that I wanted to use[br]this film that attaches to glass

0:04:35.850,0:04:39.693
and will basically fog with just a switch.

0:04:40.950,0:04:42.570
I think that was a way to be like,

0:04:42.570,0:04:44.880
okay, let me live behind a screen

0:04:44.880,0:04:47.078
that can be online or offline.

0:04:48.145,0:04:50.730
I thought it wasn't enough[br]of a performance for people

0:04:50.730,0:04:54.885
or something, but it was[br]honestly too much for me.

0:04:54.885,0:04:57.468
(gentle music)

0:05:00.780,0:05:04.980
So I invited friends to come to the space

0:05:04.980,0:05:06.753
to perform in the theater.

0:05:08.400,0:05:11.250
Things like that where I[br]could like activate the space

0:05:11.250,0:05:15.513
and like people within my[br]realm could utilize it.

0:05:16.885,0:05:18.476
(dramatic music)

0:05:30.418,0:05:32.409
- His girlfriend obviously didn't know

0:05:32.409,0:05:34.590
that he was sleeping with trans women.

0:05:34.590,0:05:36.180
He was the kind of person[br]where he would be like,

0:05:36.180,0:05:37.560
drop everything.

0:05:37.560,0:05:38.393
But he's the only person

0:05:38.393,0:05:40.052
that I would maybe even[br]think about that for

0:05:40.052,0:05:43.140
'cause he was like, I'll pay whatever.

0:05:43.140,0:05:45.090
It didn't feel safe, honestly,

0:05:45.090,0:05:47.373
but that was like a part of getting paid.

0:05:48.412,0:05:49.704
- I would like to think

0:05:49.704,0:05:51.870
that I've helped some of my clients

0:05:51.870,0:05:56.353
from being unlicensed[br]therapist essentially,

0:05:57.460,0:06:01.348
or making them feel like they're human

0:06:01.348,0:06:05.190
because I would want the same in return.

0:06:07.922,0:06:11.173
- When certified nurses[br]assistants, janitors,

0:06:11.173,0:06:14.040
garbage truck drivers or[br]people in other occupations

0:06:14.040,0:06:16.638
considered undesirable go into work,

0:06:16.638,0:06:19.320
they're not doing it to feel empowered.

0:06:19.320,0:06:21.804
Power, power, power, power.

0:06:21.804,0:06:23.913
- [Lexii] Yeah, it was. (people laughing)

0:06:23.913,0:06:25.470
- Yeah, be honest. You can say whatever.

0:06:25.470,0:06:28.290
- It was very funny like,

0:06:28.290,0:06:30.510
so like she has this remote,

0:06:30.510,0:06:32.370
but there's these slits of glass

0:06:32.370,0:06:33.600
that you can still peek through,

0:06:33.600,0:06:35.970
and some people would[br]still just try to peek.

0:06:35.970,0:06:39.330
So Jade would hit the button[br]and just make it visible again,

0:06:39.330,0:06:41.396
and then they're just like, oh.

0:06:41.396,0:06:44.823
It just like made me laugh every time.

0:06:47.970,0:06:49.140
- But you know what's funny

0:06:49.140,0:06:53.160
is also like that level of[br]curiosity from those spectators.

0:06:53.160,0:06:56.550
Like we experience that[br]just existing, going out.

0:06:56.550,0:06:57.720
- Daily.

0:06:57.720,0:07:00.690
- Yeah, literally the people[br]are always just like staring.

0:07:00.690,0:07:04.110
Like it just feels like, you[br]know I'm a person, right?

0:07:04.110,0:07:06.228
Like you know I'm human.

0:07:06.228,0:07:07.500
- Yeah, just like making[br]a spectacle sometimes

0:07:07.500,0:07:11.190
and like you have this remote in your hand

0:07:11.190,0:07:14.673
is just like, I think it's freedom.

0:07:16.650,0:07:18.183
- I just called it the power.

0:07:21.780,0:07:24.240
It was a way to kind of[br]think about visibility,

0:07:24.240,0:07:27.273
but also resistance and absence.

0:07:28.470,0:07:30.960
It has this push pull effect

0:07:30.960,0:07:34.650
that I think is mirrored[br]in my personality sometimes

0:07:34.650,0:07:37.530
to get intimate and then also pull back

0:07:37.530,0:07:40.443
and conceal or obscure.

0:07:42.330,0:07:45.360
It's this strange thing where[br]I didn't get to be myself.

0:07:45.360,0:07:49.890
I had to be this other person[br]in the south to like survive.

0:07:49.890,0:07:52.680
And now as a performer, I'm trying to be

0:07:52.680,0:07:54.753
as much myself as possible,

0:07:56.130,0:07:58.923
and I'm learning how to[br]perform in a different way.

0:07:59.880,0:08:02.630
(soothing music)