0:00:00.876,0:00:03.811
We're going to share[br]a lot of secrets today, you and I,

0:00:03.835,0:00:06.291
and in doing so, I hope that we can lift

0:00:06.315,0:00:08.915
some of the shame[br]many of us feel about sex.

0:00:10.915,0:00:14.395
How many here have ever been[br]catcalled by a stranger?

0:00:16.075,0:00:17.635
Lots of women.

0:00:18.521,0:00:21.178
For me, the time I remember best

0:00:21.202,0:00:24.562
is when that stranger[br]was a student of mine.

0:00:25.595,0:00:28.531
He came up to me after class that night

0:00:28.555,0:00:31.411
and his words confirmed[br]what I already knew:

0:00:31.435,0:00:33.211
"I am so sorry, professor.

0:00:33.235,0:00:37.131
If I had known it was you,[br]I would never have said those things."

0:00:37.155,0:00:39.451
(Laughter)

0:00:39.475,0:00:43.555
I wasn't a person to him[br]until I was his professor.

0:00:44.515,0:00:47.091
This concept, called objectification,

0:00:47.115,0:00:49.171
is the foundation of sexism,

0:00:49.195,0:00:52.715
and we see it reinforced[br]through every aspect of our lives.

0:00:55.635,0:00:57.851
We see it in the government

0:00:57.875,0:01:01.291
that refuses to punish men

0:01:01.315,0:01:03.051
for raping women.

0:01:03.075,0:01:05.371
We see it in advertisements.

0:01:05.395,0:01:07.403
How many of you have seen an advertisement

0:01:07.427,0:01:12.795
that uses a woman's breast[br]to sell and entirely unrelated product?

0:01:14.515,0:01:18.291
Or movie after movie after movie

0:01:18.315,0:01:21.195
that portrays women[br]as only love interests?

0:01:22.195,0:01:25.811
These examples might seem[br]inconsequential and harmless,

0:01:25.835,0:01:27.091
but they're insidious,

0:01:27.115,0:01:31.395
slowly building into a culture[br]that refuses to see women as people.

0:01:31.955,0:01:36.145
We see this in the school[br]that sends home a 10-year-old girl

0:01:36.169,0:01:39.811
because her clothes were[br]a distraction to boys trying to learn,

0:01:39.835,0:01:45.011
or the government that refuses[br]to punish men for raping women

0:01:45.035,0:01:46.611
over and over,

0:01:46.635,0:01:48.091
or the woman who is killed

0:01:48.115,0:01:52.195
because she asked a man to stop[br]grinding on her on the dance floor.

0:01:55.515,0:02:00.275
Media plays a large role in perpetuating[br]the objectification of women.

0:02:01.395,0:02:04.211
Let's consider[br]the classic romantic comedy.

0:02:04.235,0:02:08.131
We're typically introduced[br]to two kinds of women in these movies,

0:02:08.155,0:02:10.891
two kinds of desirable women, anyway.

0:02:10.915,0:02:13.331
The first is the sexy bombshell.

0:02:13.355,0:02:17.011
This is the unbelievably gorgeous woman[br]with the perfect body.

0:02:17.035,0:02:19.651
Our leading man[br]has no trouble identifying her

0:02:19.675,0:02:22.035
and even less trouble having sex with her.

0:02:22.755,0:02:24.611
The second is our leading lady,

0:02:24.635,0:02:28.491
the beautiful but demure woman[br]our leading man falls in love with

0:02:28.515,0:02:30.651
despite not noticing her at first

0:02:30.675,0:02:33.275
or not liking her if he did.

0:02:33.835,0:02:35.851
The first is the slut.

0:02:35.875,0:02:37.891
She is to be consumed and forgotten.

0:02:37.915,0:02:39.195
She is much too available.

0:02:39.795,0:02:43.451
The second is desirable but modest,

0:02:43.475,0:02:46.931
and therefore worthy[br]of our leading man's future babies.

0:02:46.955,0:02:48.155
Marriage material.

0:02:48.755,0:02:51.691
We're actually told[br]that women have two roles,

0:02:51.715,0:02:55.955
but these two roles have a difficult time[br]existing within the same woman.

0:02:56.555,0:03:00.211
On the rare occasion[br]that I share with a new acquaintance

0:03:00.235,0:03:01.971
that I study sex,

0:03:01.995,0:03:04.371
if they don't end[br]the conversation right then,

0:03:04.395,0:03:06.395
they're usually pretty intrigued.

0:03:07.315,0:03:09.091
"Oh. Tell me more."

0:03:09.115,0:03:10.315
So I do.

0:03:12.195,0:03:14.811
"I'm really interested[br]in studying the sexual behaviors

0:03:14.835,0:03:16.611
of pregnant and postpartum couples."

0:03:16.635,0:03:20.171
At this point I get[br]a different kind of response.

0:03:20.195,0:03:22.171
(Laughter)

0:03:22.195,0:03:23.995
"Oh. Huh.

0:03:24.675,0:03:26.875
Do pregnant people even have sex?

0:03:28.075,0:03:32.011
Have you thought[br]about studying sexual desire

0:03:32.035,0:03:33.371
or orgasms?

0:03:33.395,0:03:36.395
That would be interesting, and sexy."

0:03:38.115,0:03:40.651
Tell me. What are the first words[br]that come to mind

0:03:40.675,0:03:42.475
when you picture a pregnant woman?

0:03:43.275,0:03:46.691
I asked this question[br]in a survey of over 500 adults,

0:03:46.715,0:03:50.291
and most responded with "belly" or "round"

0:03:50.315,0:03:52.355
and "cute."

0:03:53.035,0:03:54.651
This didn't surprise me too much.

0:03:54.675,0:03:56.315
What else do we label as cute?

0:03:57.835,0:04:00.331
Babies. Puppies. Kittens.

0:04:00.355,0:04:02.011
The elderly. Right?

0:04:02.035,0:04:03.755
(Laughter)

0:04:05.050,0:04:07.707
When we label an adult as cute, though,

0:04:07.731,0:04:10.211
we take away a lot of their intelligence,

0:04:10.235,0:04:11.435
their complexity.

0:04:12.195,0:04:14.675
We reduce them to childlike qualities.

0:04:15.555,0:04:17.211
I also asked heterosexual men

0:04:17.235,0:04:20.371
to imagine a woman that they're[br]partnered with is pregnant,

0:04:20.395,0:04:23.171
and then asked women[br]to imagine that they are pregnant,

0:04:23.195,0:04:25.811
and then tell me[br]the first words that come to mind

0:04:25.835,0:04:27.875
when they imagine having sex.

0:04:28.955,0:04:31.035
Most of the responses were negative.

0:04:32.242,0:04:33.669
"Gross."

0:04:33.693,0:04:35.066
"Awkward."

0:04:35.090,0:04:37.531
"Not sexy." "Odd."

0:04:37.555,0:04:38.755
"Uncomfortable."

0:04:39.235,0:04:40.491
"How?"

0:04:40.515,0:04:42.515
(Laughter)

0:04:43.315,0:04:46.411
"Not worth the trouble."[br]"Not worth the risk."

0:04:46.435,0:04:48.435
That last one really stuck with me.

0:04:49.715,0:04:54.451
We might think that because we divorce[br]pregnant women and moms from sexuality,

0:04:54.475,0:04:59.491
we are removing the constraints[br]of sexual objectification.

0:04:59.515,0:05:01.555
They experience less sexism. Right?

0:05:02.235,0:05:03.811
Not exactly.

0:05:03.835,0:05:06.955
What happens instead[br]is a different kind of objectification.

0:05:07.755,0:05:10.011
In my efforts to explain this to others,

0:05:10.035,0:05:13.811
one conversation[br]led to the Venus of Willendorf,

0:05:13.835,0:05:18.651
a Paleolithic figurine scholars assumed[br]was a goddess of love and beauty,

0:05:18.675,0:05:20.115
hence the name Venus.

0:05:20.515,0:05:22.651
This theory was later revised, though,

0:05:22.675,0:05:26.371
when scholars noted[br]the sculptor's obvious focus

0:05:26.395,0:05:29.811
on the figurine's reproductive features:

0:05:29.835,0:05:33.091
large breasts,[br]considered ideal for nursing;

0:05:33.115,0:05:35.731
a round, possibly pregnant belly;

0:05:35.755,0:05:39.235
the remnants of red dye,[br]alluding to menstruation or birth.

0:05:40.555,0:05:44.090
They also assumed that she was[br]meant to be held or placed lying down

0:05:44.114,0:05:48.491
because her tiny feet[br]don't allow her to be freestanding.

0:05:48.515,0:05:49.995
She also had no face.

0:05:50.795,0:05:54.891
For this reason, it was assumed[br]that she was a representation of fertility

0:05:54.915,0:05:57.771
and not a portrait of a person.

0:05:57.795,0:05:59.075
She was an object.

0:05:59.675,0:06:01.491
In the history of her interpretation,

0:06:01.515,0:06:04.651
she went from object[br]of ideal beauty and love

0:06:04.675,0:06:06.515
to object of reproduction.

0:06:07.355,0:06:09.811
I think this transition speaks more

0:06:09.835,0:06:13.611
about the scholars[br]who have interpreted her purpose

0:06:13.635,0:06:17.635
than the actual purpose[br]of the figurine herself.

0:06:18.355,0:06:20.451
When a woman becomes pregnant,

0:06:20.475,0:06:24.211
she leaves the realm[br]of men's sexual desire

0:06:24.235,0:06:28.811
and slides into her reproductive[br]and child-rearing role.

0:06:28.835,0:06:31.451
In doing so, she also becomes

0:06:31.475,0:06:33.251
the property of the community,

0:06:33.275,0:06:37.755
considered very important[br]but only because she's pregnant. Right?

0:06:38.315,0:06:40.811
I've taken to calling this[br]the Willendorf effect,

0:06:40.835,0:06:44.515
and once again we see it reinforced[br]in many aspects of her life.

0:06:45.218,0:06:47.731
Has anyone here[br]ever been visibly pregnant?

0:06:47.755,0:06:48.971
(Laughter)

0:06:48.995,0:06:50.251
Yeah. Lots of you, right?

0:06:50.275,0:06:54.411
So how many of you ever had a stranger[br]touch your belly during pregnancy,

0:06:54.435,0:06:57.771
maybe without even asking[br]your permission first?

0:06:57.795,0:07:00.531
Or told what you can and cannot eat

0:07:00.555,0:07:04.171
by somebody who is not your doctor,[br]your medical care provider?

0:07:04.195,0:07:07.115
Or asked private questions[br]about your birth plan?

0:07:08.075,0:07:10.875
And then told why[br]those choices are all wrong?

0:07:11.555,0:07:12.771
Yeah, me too.

0:07:12.795,0:07:17.051
Or had a server refuse[br]to bring you a glass of wine?

0:07:17.075,0:07:19.811
This one might give you pause,[br]I know, but stay with me.

0:07:19.835,0:07:21.931
This is a huge secret.

0:07:21.955,0:07:25.875
It is actually safe to drink[br]in moderation during pregnancy.

0:07:26.515,0:07:28.051
Many of us don't know this

0:07:28.075,0:07:31.811
because doctors don't trust[br]pregnant women with this secret --

0:07:31.835,0:07:33.595
(Laughter)

0:07:37.355,0:07:41.611
especially if she's less educated[br]or a woman of color.

0:07:41.635,0:07:43.371
What this tells us is,

0:07:43.395,0:07:47.611
this Willendorf effect,[br]it's also classist and racist.

0:07:47.635,0:07:53.531
It's present when[br]the government reminds women

0:07:53.555,0:07:56.211
with every new anti-choice bill

0:07:56.235,0:07:59.091
that the contents of her uterus[br]are not her own,

0:07:59.115,0:08:01.171
or when an OBGYN says,

0:08:01.195,0:08:03.491
"While it's safe[br]to have sex during pregnancy,

0:08:03.515,0:08:04.851
sometimes you never know.

0:08:04.875,0:08:06.515
Better safe than sorry, right?"

0:08:07.395,0:08:11.651
She's denied basic privacy[br]and bodily autonomy

0:08:11.675,0:08:13.675
under the guise of "be a good mother."

0:08:14.155,0:08:16.595
We don't trust her[br]to make her own decisions.

0:08:17.115,0:08:18.715
She's cute, remember?

0:08:21.795,0:08:24.091
When we tell women

0:08:24.115,0:08:27.051
that sexual pleasure -- excuse me.

0:08:27.075,0:08:31.891
When we tell women that sex[br]isn't worth the risk during pregnancy,

0:08:31.915,0:08:36.171
what we're telling her is that[br]her sexual pleasure doesn't matter.

0:08:36.195,0:08:39.491
So what we are telling her[br]is that she in fact doesn't matter,

0:08:39.515,0:08:44.235
even though the needs of her fetus[br]are not at odds with her own needs.

0:08:45.195,0:08:47.451
So medical providers,

0:08:47.475,0:08:50.451
such as the American College[br]of Obstetricians and Gynecologists

0:08:50.475,0:08:55.371
have the opportunity to educate[br]about the safety of sex during pregnancy.

0:08:55.395,0:08:56.795
So what do the experts say?

0:08:57.755,0:09:00.251
ACOG actually has[br]no public official statement

0:09:00.275,0:09:03.435
about the safety of sex during pregnancy.

0:09:04.078,0:09:07.091
Guidance from the Mayo Clinic[br]is generally positive

0:09:07.115,0:09:09.611
but presented with a caveat:

0:09:09.635,0:09:12.786
"Although most women can safely[br]have sex throughout pregnancy,

0:09:12.810,0:09:14.931
sometimes it's best to be cautious."

0:09:14.955,0:09:18.051
Some women don't want[br]to have sex during pregnancy,

0:09:18.075,0:09:19.331
and that's OK.

0:09:19.355,0:09:21.971
Some women do want[br]to have sex during pregnancy,

0:09:21.995,0:09:23.411
and that's OK, too.

0:09:23.435,0:09:26.091
What needs to stop[br]is society telling women

0:09:26.115,0:09:28.435
what they can and cannot do[br]with their bodies.

0:09:29.475,0:09:31.595
(Applause)

0:09:36.035,0:09:40.691
Pregnant women are not faceless,[br]identity-less vessels of reproduction

0:09:40.715,0:09:42.835
who can't stand on their own two feet.

0:09:44.115,0:09:46.531
But the truth is, the real secret is,

0:09:46.555,0:09:50.811
we tell all women that[br]their sexual pleasure doesn't matter.

0:09:50.835,0:09:54.051
We refuse to even acknowledge[br]that women who have sex with women

0:09:54.075,0:09:56.395
or women who don't[br]want children even exist.

0:09:56.835,0:09:58.531
"Oh, it's just a phase ...

0:09:58.555,0:10:00.875
she just needs the right man[br]to come along."

0:10:02.155,0:10:04.491
Every time a women has sex

0:10:04.515,0:10:06.491
simply because it feels good,

0:10:06.515,0:10:08.251
it is revolutionary.

0:10:08.275,0:10:10.451
She is revolutionary.

0:10:10.475,0:10:13.051
She is pushing back[br]against society's insistence

0:10:13.075,0:10:15.291
that she exist simply for men's pleasure

0:10:15.315,0:10:16.635
or for reproduction.

0:10:18.435,0:10:22.411
A woman who prioritizes[br]her sexual needs is scary,

0:10:22.435,0:10:27.571
because a woman who prioritizes[br]her sexual needs prioritizes herself.

0:10:27.595,0:10:31.371
(Applause)

0:10:31.395,0:10:35.811
That is a woman demanding[br]that she be treated as an equal.

0:10:35.835,0:10:37.371
That is a woman who insists

0:10:37.395,0:10:40.731
that you make room for her[br]at the table of power,

0:10:40.755,0:10:42.651
and that is the most terrifying of all

0:10:42.675,0:10:45.491
because we can't make room for her

0:10:45.515,0:10:49.035
without some of us giving up[br]the extra space we hold.

0:10:50.835,0:10:53.035
(Applause)

0:10:56.475,0:10:58.115
I have one last secret for you.

0:10:58.955,0:11:00.811
I am the mother of two boys

0:11:00.835,0:11:02.835
and we could use your help.

0:11:03.315,0:11:08.011
Even though my boys hear me say regularly

0:11:08.035,0:11:11.571
that it's important for men[br]to recognize women as equals

0:11:11.595,0:11:14.131
and they see their father modeling this,

0:11:14.155,0:11:18.275
we need what happens in the world[br]to reinforce what happens in our home.

0:11:18.595,0:11:21.891
This is not a men's problem[br]or a women's problem.

0:11:21.915,0:11:23.491
This is everyone's problem,

0:11:23.515,0:11:27.915
and we all play a role[br]in dismantling systems of inequality.

0:11:28.515,0:11:31.131
For starters, we have got[br]to stop telling women

0:11:31.155,0:11:33.571
what they can and cannot do[br]with their bodies.

0:11:33.595,0:11:36.635
(Applause)

0:11:38.235,0:11:42.131
This includes not treating pregnant women[br]like community property.

0:11:42.155,0:11:45.851
If you don't know her,[br]don't even ask to touch her belly.

0:11:45.875,0:11:47.571
You wouldn't anybody else.

0:11:47.595,0:11:49.731
Don't tell her[br]what she can and cannot eat.

0:11:49.755,0:11:52.771
Don't ask her private details[br]about her medical decisions.

0:11:52.795,0:11:54.691
This also includes understanding

0:11:54.715,0:11:57.291
that even if you are[br]personally against abortion,

0:11:57.315,0:11:59.995
you can still fight[br]for a woman's right to choose.

0:12:00.515,0:12:04.275
When it comes to women's equality,[br]the two need not oppose one another.

0:12:04.995,0:12:07.251
If you're somebody who has sex with women,

0:12:07.275,0:12:08.771
prioritize her pleasure.

0:12:08.795,0:12:11.195
If you don't know how, ask.

0:12:12.075,0:12:13.571
If you have children --

0:12:13.595,0:12:15.531
(Laughter)

0:12:15.555,0:12:19.331
have conversations about sex[br]as early as possible,

0:12:19.355,0:12:23.731
because kids don't look up s-e-x[br]in the dictionary anymore.

0:12:23.755,0:12:25.395
They look it up on the internet.

0:12:26.355,0:12:29.035
And when you're having[br]those conversations about sex,

0:12:29.795,0:12:31.731
don't center them on reproduction only.

0:12:31.755,0:12:33.411
People have sex for many reasons,

0:12:33.435,0:12:35.211
some because they want a baby,

0:12:35.235,0:12:38.171
but most of us have sex[br]because it feels good.

0:12:38.195,0:12:39.395
Admit it.

0:12:40.795,0:12:43.371
And regardless of whether[br]you have children or not,

0:12:43.395,0:12:47.651
support comprehensive sex education[br]that doesn't shame our teenagers.

0:12:47.675,0:12:50.355
(Applause)

0:12:56.155,0:12:58.731
Nothing positive comes from shaming teens

0:12:58.755,0:13:01.355
for their sexual desires, behaviors,

0:13:02.155,0:13:05.635
other than positive STD[br]and pregnancy tests.

0:13:06.635,0:13:09.691
Every single day,[br]we are all given the opportunity

0:13:09.715,0:13:12.435
to disrupt patterns of inequality.

0:13:12.995,0:13:16.475
I think we can all agree[br]that it's worth the trouble to do so.

0:13:17.235,0:13:18.451
Thank you.

0:13:18.475,0:13:25.431
(Applause)