WEBVTT

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I started kindergarten
already being able to read,

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a skill a classmate
would quickly take advantage of.

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He whispered to me in the library one day,

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"Hey Sofia, can you look up the word sex?

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I want to see what
it says in the dictionary."

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I had never heard of this word,
so of course I was curious.

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"Yeah. OK."

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My fingers slowly trailed down the page,

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eagerly searching for the letters

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s-e-x, s-e-x,

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but before I could land
on the desired word,

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I felt a firm tap on my shoulder

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and a stern gaze hovered over me.

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Sat in the principal's office,

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terrified yet unsure of my crime.

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He leaned in close and said, gently,

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"Now, Sofia, why would
a little girl like yourself

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be concerned with a word like that?

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I don't think your parents
would be too happy to hear of it.

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But since this is your first time in here,

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I don't think they need to be told."

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In that simple moment,

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he created the first secret
I would ever keep from my parents --

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(Laughter)

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and a lifelong curiosity
about this shameful word spelled s-e-x.

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We're going to share
a lot of secrets today, you and I,

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and in doing so, I hope that we can lift

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some of the shame
many of us feel about sex.

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How many here have ever been
catcalled by a stranger?

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Lots of women.

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For me, the time I remember best

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is when that stranger
was a student of mine.

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He came up to me after class that night

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and his words confirmed
what I already knew:

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"I am so sorry, professor.

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If I had known it was you,
I would never have said those things."

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(Laughter)

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I wasn't a person to him
until I was his professor.

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This concept, called objectification,

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is the foundation of sexism,

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and we see it reinforced
through every aspect of our lives.

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We see it in the government

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that refuses to punish men

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for raping women.

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We see it in advertisements.

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How many of you have seen an advertisement

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that uses a woman's breast
to sell and entirely unrelated product?

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Or movie after movie after movie

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that portrays women
as only love interests?

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These examples might seem
inconsequential and harmless,

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but they're insidious,

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slowly building into a culture
that refuses to see women as people.

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We see this in the school
that sends home a 10-year-old girl

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because her clothes were
a distraction to boys trying to learn,

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or the government that refuses
to punish men for raping women

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over and over,

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or the woman who is killed

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because she asked a man to stop
grinding on her on the dance floor.

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Media plays a large role in perpetuating
the objectification of women.

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Let's consider
the classic romantic comedy.

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We're typically introduced
to two kinds of women in these movies,

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two kinds of desirable women, anyway.

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The first is the sexy bombshell.

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This is the unbelievably gorgeous woman
with the perfect body.

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Our leading man
has no trouble identifying her

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and even less trouble having sex with her.

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The second is our leading lady,

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the beautiful but demure woman
our leading man falls in love with

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despite not noticing her at first

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or not liking her if he did.

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The first is the slut.

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She is to be consumed and forgotten.

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She is much too available.

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The second is desirable but modest,

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and therefore worthy
of our leading man's future babies.

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Marriage material.

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We're actually told
that women have two roles,

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but these two roles have a difficult time
existing within the same woman.

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On the rare occasion
that I share with a new acquaintance

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that I study sex,

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if they don't end
the conversation right then,

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they're usually pretty intrigued.

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"Oh. Tell me more."

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So I do.

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"I'm really interested
in studying the sexual behaviors

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of pregnant and postpartum couples."

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At this point I get
a different kind of response.

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(Laughter)

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"Oh. Huh.

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Do pregnant people even have sex?

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Have you thought
about studying sexual desire

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or orgasms?

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That would be interesting and sexy."

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Tell me. What are the first words
that come to mind

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when you picture a pregnant woman?

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I asked this question
in a survey of over 500 adults,

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and most responded with "belly" or "round"

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and "cute."

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This didn't surprise me too much.

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What else do we label as cute?

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Babies. Puppies. Kittens.

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The elderly. Right?

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(Laughter)

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When we label an adult as cute, though,

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we take away a lot of their intelligence,

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their complexity.

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We reduce them to childlike qualities.

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I also asked heterosexual men

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to imagine a woman that they're
partnered with is pregnant,

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and then asked women
to imagine that they are pregnant,

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and then tell me
the first words that come to mind

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when they imagine having sex.

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Most of the responses were negative.

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"Gross."

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"Awkward."

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"Not sexy." "Odd."

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"Uncomfortable."

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"How?"

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(Laughter)

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"Not worth the trouble."
"Not worth the risk."

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That last one really stuck with me.

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We might think that because we divorce
pregnant women and moms from sexuality,

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we are removing the constraints
of sexual objectification.

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They experience less sexism. Right?

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Not exactly.

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What happens instead
is a different kind of objectification.

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In my efforts to explain this to others,

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one conversation
led to the Venus of Willendorf,

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a Paleolithic figurine scholars assumed
was a goddess of love and beauty,

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hence the name Venus.

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This theory was later revised, though,

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when scholars noted
the sculptor's obvious focus

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on the figurine's reproductive features:

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large breasts,
considered ideal for nursing;

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a round, possibly pregnant belly;

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the remnants of red dye,
alluding to menstruation or birth.

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They also assumed that she was
meant to be held or placed lying down

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because her tiny feet
don't allow her to be standing.

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She also had no face.

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For this reason, it was assumed
that she was a representation of fertility

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and not a portrait of a person.

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She was an object.

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In the history of her interpretation,

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she went from object
of ideal beauty and love

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to object of reproduction.

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I think this transition speaks more

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about the scholars
who have interpreted her purpose

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than the actual purpose
of the figurine herself.

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When a woman becomes pregnant,

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she leaves the realm
of men's sexual desire

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and slides into her reproductive
and child-rearing role.

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In doing so, she also becomes

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the property of the community,

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considered very important
but only because she's pregnant. Right?

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I've taken to calling this
the Willendorf effect,

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and once again we see it reinforced
in many aspects of her life.

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Has anyone here
ever been visibly pregnant?

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(Laughter)

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Yeah. That's me, right?

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So how many of you ever had a stranger
touch your belly during pregnancy,

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maybe without even asking
your permission first?

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Or told what you can and cannot eat

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by somebody who is not your doctor,
your medical care provider?

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Or asked private questions
about your birth plan?

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And then told why
those choices are all wrong?

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Yeah, me too.

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Or had a server refuse
to bring you a glass of wine?

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This one might give you pause,
I know, but stay with me.

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This is a huge secret.

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It is actually safe to drink
in moderation during pregnancy.

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Many of us don't know this

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because doctors don't trust
pregnant women with this secret --

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(Laughter)

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especially if she's less educated
or a woman of color.

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What this tells us is,

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this Willendorf effect,
it's also classist and racist.

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It's present when
the government reminds women

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with every new antichoice bill

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that the contents of her uterus
are not her own,

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or when an ob-gyn says,

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"while it's safe
to have sex during pregnancy,

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sometimes you never know.

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Better safe than sorry, right?"

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She's denied basic privacy
and bodily autonomy

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under the guise of "be a good mother."

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We don't trust her
to make her own decisions.

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She's cute, remember?

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When we tell women

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that sexual pleasure -- excuse me.

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When we tell women that sex
isn't worth the risk during pregnancy,

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what we're telling her is that
her sexual pleasure doesn't matter.

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So what we are telling her
is that she in fact doesn't matter,

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even though the needs of her fetus
are not at odds with her own needs.

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So medical providers,

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such as the American College
of Obstetricians and Gynecologists

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have the opportunity to educate
about the safety of sex during pregnancy.

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So what do the experts say?

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ACOG actually has
no public official statement

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about the safety of sex during pregnancy.

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Guidance from the Mayo Clinic
is generally positive

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but presented with a caveat:

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"Although most women can safely
have sex throughout pregnancy,

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sometimes it's best to be cautious."

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Some women don't want
to have sex during pregnancy,

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and that's OK.

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Some women do want
to have sex during pregnancy,

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and that's OK too.

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What needs to stop
is society telling women

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what they can and cannot do
with their bodies.

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(Applause)

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Pregnant women are not faceless,
identity-less vessels of reproduction

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who can't stand on their own two feet.

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But the truth is, the real secret is,

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we tell all women that
their sexual pleasure doesn't matter.

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We refuse to even acknowledge
that women who have sex with women

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or women who don't
want children even exist.

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"Oh, it's just a phase."

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"She just needs the right man
to come along."

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Every time a women has sex

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simply because it feels good,

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it is revolutionary.

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She is revolutionary.

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She is pushing back
against society's insistence

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that she exist simply for men's pleasure

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or for reproduction.

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A woman who prioritizes
her sexual needs is scary,

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because a woman who prioritizes
her sexual needs prioritizes herself.

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(Applause)

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That is a woman demanding
that she be treated as an equal.

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That is a woman who insists

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that you make room for her
at the table of power,

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and that is the most terrifying of all,

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because we can't make room for her

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without some of us giving up
the extra space we hold.

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(Applause)

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I have one last secret for you.

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I am the mother of two boys

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and we could use your help.

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Even though my boys hear me say regularly

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that it's important for men
to recognize women as equals

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and they see their father modeling this,

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we need what happens in the world
to reinforce what happens in our home.

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This is not a men's problem
or a women's problem.

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This is everyone's problem,

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and we all play a role
in dismantling systems of inequality.

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For starters, we have got
to stop telling women

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what they can and cannot do
with their bodies.

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(Applause)

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This includes not treating pregnant women
like community property.

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If you don't know her,
don't even ask to touch her belly.

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You wouldn't anybody else.

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Don't tell her
what she can and cannot eat.

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Don't ask her private details
about her medical decisions.

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This also includes understanding

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that even if you are
personally against abortion,

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you can still fight
for a woman's right to choose.

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When it comes to women's equality,
the two need not oppose one another.

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If you're somebody who has sex with women,

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prioritize her pleasure.

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If you don't know how, ask.

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If you have children --

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(Laughter)

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have conversations about sex
as early as possible,

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because kids don't look up s-e-x
in the dictionary anymore.

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They look it up on the Internet,

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and when you're having
those conversations about sex,

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don't center them on reproduction only.

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People have sex for many reasons,

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some because they want a baby,

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but most of us have sex
because it feels good.

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Admit it.

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And regardless of whether
you have children or not,

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support comprehensive sex education
that doesn't shame our teenagers.

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(Applause)

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Nothing positive comes from shaming teens

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for their sexual desires, behaviors,

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other than positive STD
and pregnancy tests.

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Every single day,
we are all given the opportunity

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to disrupt patterns of inequality.

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I think we can all agree
that it's worth the trouble to do so.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)