0:00:01.359,0:00:04.976
I started kindergarten[br]already being able to read,

0:00:05.000,0:00:08.160
a skill a classmate[br]would quickly take advantage of.

0:00:09.160,0:00:11.856
He whispered to me in the library one day,

0:00:11.880,0:00:15.016
"Hey Sofia, can you look up the word sex?

0:00:15.040,0:00:17.320
I want to see what[br]it says in the dictionary."

0:00:18.600,0:00:21.880
I had never heard of this word,[br]so of course I was curious.

0:00:22.440,0:00:23.640
"Yeah. OK."

0:00:24.560,0:00:27.176
My fingers slowly trailed down the page,

0:00:27.200,0:00:29.216
eagerly searching for the letters

0:00:29.240,0:00:32.439
s-e-x, s-e-x,

0:00:33.240,0:00:35.616
but before I could land[br]on the desired word,

0:00:35.640,0:00:37.976
I felt a firm tap on my shoulder

0:00:38.000,0:00:40.120
and a stern gaze hovered over me.

0:00:42.240,0:00:43.856
Sat in the principal's office,

0:00:43.880,0:00:46.520
terrified yet unsure of my crime.

0:00:47.600,0:00:49.920
He leaned in close and said, gently,

0:00:51.040,0:00:54.256
"Now, Sofia, why would[br]a little girl like yourself

0:00:54.280,0:00:56.896
be concerned with a word like that?

0:00:56.920,0:01:00.216
I don't think your parents[br]would be too happy to hear of it.

0:01:00.240,0:01:02.576
But since this is your first time in here,

0:01:02.600,0:01:04.400
I don't think they need to be told."

0:01:05.440,0:01:07.016
In that simple moment,

0:01:07.040,0:01:10.736
he created the first secret[br]I would ever keep from my parents --

0:01:10.760,0:01:12.376
(Laughter)

0:01:12.400,0:01:17.880
and a lifelong curiosity[br]about this shameful word spelled s-e-x.

0:01:18.760,0:01:21.696
We're going to share[br]a lot of secrets today, you and I,

0:01:21.720,0:01:24.176
and in doing so, I hope that we can lift

0:01:24.200,0:01:26.800
some of the shame[br]many of us feel about sex.

0:01:28.800,0:01:32.280
How many here have ever been[br]catcalled by a stranger?

0:01:33.960,0:01:35.520
Lots of women.

0:01:36.360,0:01:39.016
For me, the time I remember best

0:01:39.040,0:01:42.400
is when that stranger[br]was a student of mine.

0:01:43.480,0:01:46.416
He came up to me after class that night

0:01:46.440,0:01:49.296
and his words confirmed[br]what I already knew:

0:01:49.320,0:01:51.096
"I am so sorry, professor.

0:01:51.120,0:01:55.016
If I had known it was you,[br]I would never have said those things."

0:01:55.040,0:01:57.336
(Laughter)

0:01:57.360,0:02:01.440
I wasn't a person to him[br]until I was his professor.

0:02:02.400,0:02:04.976
This concept, called objectification,

0:02:05.000,0:02:07.056
is the foundation of sexism,

0:02:07.080,0:02:10.600
and we see it reinforced[br]through every aspect of our lives.

0:02:13.520,0:02:15.736
We see it in the government

0:02:15.760,0:02:19.176
that refuses to punish men

0:02:19.200,0:02:20.936
for raping women.

0:02:20.960,0:02:23.256
We see it in advertisements.

0:02:23.280,0:02:25.287
How many of you have seen an advertisement

0:02:25.312,0:02:30.680
that uses a woman's breast[br]to sell and entirely unrelated product?

0:02:32.400,0:02:36.176
Or movie after movie after movie

0:02:36.200,0:02:39.080
that portrays women[br]as only love interests?

0:02:40.080,0:02:43.696
These examples might seem[br]inconsequential and harmless,

0:02:43.720,0:02:44.976
but they're insidious,

0:02:45.000,0:02:49.280
slowly building into a culture[br]that refuses to see women as people.

0:02:49.840,0:02:53.936
We see this in the school[br]that sends home a 10-year-old girl

0:02:53.960,0:02:57.696
because her clothes were[br]a distraction to boys trying to learn,

0:02:57.720,0:03:02.896
or the government that refuses[br]to punish men for raping women

0:03:02.920,0:03:04.496
over and over,

0:03:04.520,0:03:05.976
or the woman who is killed

0:03:06.000,0:03:10.080
because she asked a man to stop[br]grinding on her on the dance floor.

0:03:13.400,0:03:18.160
Media plays a large role in perpetuating[br]the objectification of women.

0:03:19.280,0:03:22.096
Let's consider[br]the classic romantic comedy.

0:03:22.120,0:03:26.016
We're typically introduced[br]to two kinds of women in these movies,

0:03:26.040,0:03:28.776
two kinds of desirable women, anyway.

0:03:28.800,0:03:31.216
The first is the sexy bombshell.

0:03:31.240,0:03:34.896
This is the unbelievably gorgeous woman[br]with the perfect body.

0:03:34.920,0:03:37.536
Our leading man[br]has no trouble identifying her

0:03:37.560,0:03:39.920
and even less trouble having sex with her.

0:03:40.640,0:03:42.496
The second is our leading lady,

0:03:42.520,0:03:46.376
the beautiful but demure woman[br]our leading man falls in love with

0:03:46.400,0:03:48.536
despite not noticing her at first

0:03:48.560,0:03:51.160
or not liking her if he did.

0:03:51.720,0:03:53.736
The first is the slut.

0:03:53.760,0:03:55.776
She is to be consumed and forgotten.

0:03:55.800,0:03:57.080
She is much too available.

0:03:57.680,0:04:01.336
The second is desirable but modest,

0:04:01.360,0:04:04.816
and therefore worthy[br]of our leading man's future babies.

0:04:04.840,0:04:06.040
Marriage material.

0:04:06.640,0:04:09.576
We're actually told[br]that women have two roles,

0:04:09.600,0:04:13.840
but these two roles have a difficult time[br]existing within the same woman.

0:04:14.440,0:04:18.096
On the rare occasion[br]that I share with a new acquaintance

0:04:18.120,0:04:19.856
that I study sex,

0:04:19.880,0:04:22.256
if they don't end[br]the conversation right then,

0:04:22.280,0:04:24.280
they're usually pretty intrigued.

0:04:25.200,0:04:26.976
"Oh. Tell me more."

0:04:27.000,0:04:28.200
So I do.

0:04:30.080,0:04:32.696
"I'm really interested[br]in studying the sexual behaviors

0:04:32.720,0:04:34.496
of pregnant and postpartum couples."

0:04:34.520,0:04:38.056
At this point I get[br]a different kind of response.

0:04:38.080,0:04:40.056
(Laughter)

0:04:40.080,0:04:41.880
"Oh. Huh.

0:04:42.560,0:04:44.760
Do pregnant people even have sex?

0:04:45.960,0:04:49.896
Have you thought[br]about studying sexual desire

0:04:49.920,0:04:51.256
or orgasms?

0:04:51.280,0:04:54.280
That would be interesting and sexy."

0:04:56.000,0:04:58.536
Tell me. What are the first words[br]that come to mind

0:04:58.560,0:05:00.360
when you picture a pregnant woman?

0:05:01.160,0:05:04.576
I asked this question[br]in a survey of over 500 adults,

0:05:04.600,0:05:08.176
and most responded with "belly" or "round"

0:05:08.200,0:05:10.240
and "cute."

0:05:10.920,0:05:12.536
This didn't surprise me too much.

0:05:12.560,0:05:14.200
What else do we label as cute?

0:05:15.720,0:05:18.216
Babies. Puppies. Kittens.

0:05:18.240,0:05:19.896
The elderly. Right?

0:05:19.920,0:05:21.640
(Laughter)

0:05:22.880,0:05:25.536
When we label an adult as cute, though,

0:05:25.560,0:05:28.096
we take away a lot of their intelligence,

0:05:28.120,0:05:29.320
their complexity.

0:05:30.080,0:05:32.560
We reduce them to childlike qualities.

0:05:33.440,0:05:35.096
I also asked heterosexual men

0:05:35.120,0:05:38.256
to imagine a woman that they're[br]partnered with is pregnant,

0:05:38.280,0:05:41.056
and then asked women[br]to imagine that they are pregnant,

0:05:41.080,0:05:43.696
and then tell me[br]the first words that come to mind

0:05:43.720,0:05:45.760
when they imagine having sex.

0:05:46.840,0:05:48.920
Most of the responses were negative.

0:05:50.040,0:05:51.296
"Gross."

0:05:51.320,0:05:52.856
"Awkward."

0:05:52.880,0:05:55.416
"Not sexy." "Odd."

0:05:55.440,0:05:56.640
"Uncomfortable."

0:05:57.120,0:05:58.376
"How?"

0:05:58.400,0:06:00.400
(Laughter)

0:06:01.200,0:06:04.296
"Not worth the trouble."[br]"Not worth the risk."

0:06:04.320,0:06:06.320
That last one really stuck with me.

0:06:07.600,0:06:12.336
We might think that because we divorce[br]pregnant women and moms from sexuality,

0:06:12.360,0:06:17.376
we are removing the constraints[br]of sexual objectification.

0:06:17.400,0:06:19.440
They experience less sexism. Right?

0:06:20.120,0:06:21.696
Not exactly.

0:06:21.720,0:06:24.840
What happens instead[br]is a different kind of objectification.

0:06:25.640,0:06:27.896
In my efforts to explain this to others,

0:06:27.920,0:06:31.696
one conversation[br]led to the Venus of Willendorf,

0:06:31.720,0:06:36.536
a Paleolithic figurine scholars assumed[br]was a goddess of love and beauty,

0:06:36.560,0:06:38.000
hence the name Venus.

0:06:38.400,0:06:40.536
This theory was later revised, though,

0:06:40.560,0:06:44.256
when scholars noted[br]the sculptor's obvious focus

0:06:44.280,0:06:47.696
on the figurine's reproductive features:

0:06:47.720,0:06:50.976
large breasts,[br]considered ideal for nursing;

0:06:51.000,0:06:53.616
a round, possibly pregnant belly;

0:06:53.640,0:06:57.120
the remnants of red dye,[br]alluding to menstruation or birth.

0:06:58.440,0:07:01.976
They also assumed that she was[br]meant to be held or placed lying down

0:07:02.000,0:07:06.376
because her tiny feet[br]don't allow her to be standing.

0:07:06.400,0:07:07.880
She also had no face.

0:07:08.680,0:07:12.776
For this reason, it was assumed[br]that she was a representation of fertility

0:07:12.800,0:07:15.656
and not a portrait of a person.

0:07:15.680,0:07:16.960
She was an object.

0:07:17.560,0:07:19.376
In the history of her interpretation,

0:07:19.400,0:07:22.536
she went from object[br]of ideal beauty and love

0:07:22.560,0:07:24.400
to object of reproduction.

0:07:25.240,0:07:27.696
I think this transition speaks more

0:07:27.720,0:07:31.496
about the scholars[br]who have interpreted her purpose

0:07:31.520,0:07:35.520
than the actual purpose[br]of the figurine herself.

0:07:36.240,0:07:38.336
When a woman becomes pregnant,

0:07:38.360,0:07:42.096
she leaves the realm[br]of men's sexual desire

0:07:42.120,0:07:46.696
and slides into her reproductive[br]and child-rearing role.

0:07:46.720,0:07:49.336
In doing so, she also becomes

0:07:49.360,0:07:51.136
the property of the community,

0:07:51.160,0:07:55.640
considered very important[br]but only because she's pregnant. Right?

0:07:56.200,0:07:58.696
I've taken to calling this[br]the Willendorf effect,

0:07:58.720,0:08:02.400
and once again we see it reinforced[br]in many aspects of her life.

0:08:03.120,0:08:05.616
Has anyone here[br]ever been visibly pregnant?

0:08:05.640,0:08:06.856
(Laughter)

0:08:06.880,0:08:08.136
Yeah. That's me, right?

0:08:08.160,0:08:12.296
So how many of you ever had a stranger[br]touch your belly during pregnancy,

0:08:12.320,0:08:15.656
maybe without even asking[br]your permission first?

0:08:15.680,0:08:18.416
Or told what you can and cannot eat

0:08:18.440,0:08:22.056
by somebody who is not your doctor,[br]your medical care provider?

0:08:22.080,0:08:25.000
Or asked private questions[br]about your birth plan?

0:08:25.960,0:08:28.760
And then told why[br]those choices are all wrong?

0:08:29.440,0:08:30.656
Yeah, me too.

0:08:30.680,0:08:34.936
Or had a server refuse[br]to bring you a glass of wine?

0:08:34.960,0:08:37.696
This one might give you pause,[br]I know, but stay with me.

0:08:37.720,0:08:39.816
This is a huge secret.

0:08:39.840,0:08:43.760
It is actually safe to drink[br]in moderation during pregnancy.

0:08:44.400,0:08:45.936
Many of us don't know this

0:08:45.960,0:08:49.696
because doctors don't trust[br]pregnant women with this secret --

0:08:49.720,0:08:51.480
(Laughter)

0:08:55.240,0:08:59.496
especially if she's less educated[br]or a woman of color.

0:08:59.520,0:09:01.256
What this tells us is,

0:09:01.280,0:09:05.496
this Willendorf effect,[br]it's also classist and racist.

0:09:05.520,0:09:11.416
It's present when[br]the government reminds women

0:09:11.440,0:09:14.096
with every new antichoice bill

0:09:14.120,0:09:16.976
that the contents of her uterus[br]are not her own,

0:09:17.000,0:09:19.056
or when an ob-gyn says,

0:09:19.080,0:09:21.376
"while it's safe[br]to have sex during pregnancy,

0:09:21.400,0:09:22.736
sometimes you never know.

0:09:22.760,0:09:24.400
Better safe than sorry, right?"

0:09:25.280,0:09:29.536
She's denied basic privacy[br]and bodily autonomy

0:09:29.560,0:09:31.560
under the guise of "be a good mother."

0:09:32.040,0:09:34.480
We don't trust her[br]to make her own decisions.

0:09:35.000,0:09:36.600
She's cute, remember?

0:09:39.680,0:09:41.976
When we tell women

0:09:42.000,0:09:44.936
that sexual pleasure -- excuse me.

0:09:44.960,0:09:49.776
When we tell women that sex[br]isn't worth the risk during pregnancy,

0:09:49.800,0:09:54.056
what we're telling her is that[br]her sexual pleasure doesn't matter.

0:09:54.080,0:09:57.376
So what we are telling her[br]is that she in fact doesn't matter,

0:09:57.400,0:10:02.120
even though the needs of her fetus[br]are not at odds with her own needs.

0:10:03.080,0:10:05.336
So medical providers,

0:10:05.360,0:10:08.336
such as the American College[br]of Obstetricians and Gynecologists

0:10:08.360,0:10:13.256
have the opportunity to educate[br]about the safety of sex during pregnancy.

0:10:13.280,0:10:14.680
So what do the experts say?

0:10:15.640,0:10:18.136
ACOG actually has[br]no public official statement

0:10:18.160,0:10:21.320
about the safety of sex during pregnancy.

0:10:21.880,0:10:24.976
Guidance from the Mayo Clinic[br]is generally positive

0:10:25.000,0:10:27.496
but presented with a caveat:

0:10:27.520,0:10:30.616
"Although most women can safely[br]have sex throughout pregnancy,

0:10:30.640,0:10:32.816
sometimes it's best to be cautious."

0:10:32.840,0:10:35.936
Some women don't want[br]to have sex during pregnancy,

0:10:35.960,0:10:37.216
and that's OK.

0:10:37.240,0:10:39.856
Some women do want[br]to have sex during pregnancy,

0:10:39.880,0:10:41.296
and that's OK too.

0:10:41.320,0:10:43.976
What needs to stop[br]is society telling women

0:10:44.000,0:10:46.320
what they can and cannot do[br]with their bodies.

0:10:47.360,0:10:49.480
(Applause)

0:10:53.920,0:10:58.576
Pregnant women are not faceless,[br]identity-less vessels of reproduction

0:10:58.600,0:11:00.720
who can't stand on their own two feet.

0:11:02.000,0:11:04.416
But the truth is, the real secret is,

0:11:04.440,0:11:08.696
we tell all women that[br]their sexual pleasure doesn't matter.

0:11:08.720,0:11:11.936
We refuse to even acknowledge[br]that women who have sex with women

0:11:11.960,0:11:14.280
or women who don't[br]want children even exist.

0:11:14.720,0:11:16.416
"Oh, it's just a phase."

0:11:16.440,0:11:18.760
"She just needs the right man[br]to come along."

0:11:20.040,0:11:22.376
Every time a women has sex

0:11:22.400,0:11:24.376
simply because it feels good,

0:11:24.400,0:11:26.136
it is revolutionary.

0:11:26.160,0:11:28.336
She is revolutionary.

0:11:28.360,0:11:30.936
She is pushing back[br]against society's insistence

0:11:30.960,0:11:33.176
that she exist simply for men's pleasure

0:11:33.200,0:11:34.520
or for reproduction.

0:11:36.320,0:11:40.296
A woman who prioritizes[br]her sexual needs is scary,

0:11:40.320,0:11:45.456
because a woman who prioritizes[br]her sexual needs prioritizes herself.

0:11:45.480,0:11:49.256
(Applause)

0:11:49.280,0:11:53.696
That is a woman demanding[br]that she be treated as an equal.

0:11:53.720,0:11:55.256
That is a woman who insists

0:11:55.280,0:11:58.616
that you make room for her[br]at the table of power,

0:11:58.640,0:12:00.536
and that is the most terrifying of all,

0:12:00.560,0:12:03.376
because we can't make room for her

0:12:03.400,0:12:06.920
without some of us giving up[br]the extra space we hold.

0:12:08.720,0:12:10.920
(Applause)

0:12:14.360,0:12:16.000
I have one last secret for you.

0:12:16.840,0:12:18.696
I am the mother of two boys

0:12:18.720,0:12:20.720
and we could use your help.

0:12:21.200,0:12:25.896
Even though my boys hear me say regularly

0:12:25.920,0:12:29.456
that it's important for men[br]to recognize women as equals

0:12:29.480,0:12:32.016
and they see their father modeling this,

0:12:32.040,0:12:36.160
we need what happens in the world[br]to reinforce what happens in our home.

0:12:36.480,0:12:39.776
This is not a men's problem[br]or a women's problem.

0:12:39.800,0:12:41.376
This is everyone's problem,

0:12:41.400,0:12:45.800
and we all play a role[br]in dismantling systems of inequality.

0:12:46.400,0:12:49.016
For starters, we have got[br]to stop telling women

0:12:49.040,0:12:51.456
what they can and cannot do[br]with their bodies.

0:12:51.480,0:12:54.520
(Applause)

0:12:56.120,0:13:00.016
This includes not treating pregnant women[br]like community property.

0:13:00.040,0:13:03.736
If you don't know her,[br]don't even ask to touch her belly.

0:13:03.760,0:13:05.456
You wouldn't anybody else.

0:13:05.480,0:13:07.616
Don't tell her[br]what she can and cannot eat.

0:13:07.640,0:13:10.656
Don't ask her private details[br]about her medical decisions.

0:13:10.680,0:13:12.576
This also includes understanding

0:13:12.600,0:13:15.176
that even if you are[br]personally against abortion,

0:13:15.200,0:13:17.880
you can still fight[br]for a woman's right to choose.

0:13:18.400,0:13:22.160
When it comes to women's equality,[br]the two need not oppose one another.

0:13:22.880,0:13:25.136
If you're somebody who has sex with women,

0:13:25.160,0:13:26.656
prioritize her pleasure.

0:13:26.680,0:13:29.080
If you don't know how, ask.

0:13:29.960,0:13:31.456
If you have children --

0:13:31.480,0:13:33.416
(Laughter)

0:13:33.440,0:13:37.216
have conversations about sex[br]as early as possible,

0:13:37.240,0:13:41.616
because kids don't look up s-e-x[br]in the dictionary anymore.

0:13:41.640,0:13:43.280
They look it up on the Internet,

0:13:44.240,0:13:46.920
and when you're having[br]those conversations about sex,

0:13:47.680,0:13:49.616
don't center them on reproduction only.

0:13:49.640,0:13:51.296
People have sex for many reasons,

0:13:51.320,0:13:53.096
some because they want a baby,

0:13:53.120,0:13:56.056
but most of us have sex[br]because it feels good.

0:13:56.080,0:13:57.280
Admit it.

0:13:58.680,0:14:01.256
And regardless of whether[br]you have children or not,

0:14:01.280,0:14:05.536
support comprehensive sex education[br]that doesn't shame our teenagers.

0:14:05.560,0:14:08.240
(Applause)

0:14:14.040,0:14:16.616
Nothing positive comes from shaming teens

0:14:16.640,0:14:19.240
for their sexual desires, behaviors,

0:14:20.040,0:14:23.520
other than positive STD[br]and pregnancy tests.

0:14:24.520,0:14:27.576
Every single day,[br]we are all given the opportunity

0:14:27.600,0:14:30.320
to disrupt patterns of inequality.

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I think we can all agree[br]that it's worth the trouble to do so.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)