WEBVTT 00:00:01.583 --> 00:00:05.217 I started kindergarten already being able to read, 00:00:05.217 --> 00:00:08.977 a skill a classmate would quickly take advantage of. 00:00:08.977 --> 00:00:12.181 He whispered to me in the library one day, 00:00:12.181 --> 00:00:15.308 "Hey Sofia, can you look up the word sex? 00:00:15.308 --> 00:00:18.857 I want to see what it says in the dictionary." 00:00:18.857 --> 00:00:22.724 I had never heard of this word, so of course I was curious. 00:00:22.724 --> 00:00:24.550 "Yeah. Okay." 00:00:24.550 --> 00:00:27.501 My fingers slowly trailed down the page, 00:00:27.501 --> 00:00:29.411 eagerly searching for the letters 00:00:29.411 --> 00:00:33.435 s-e-x, s-e-x, 00:00:33.435 --> 00:00:35.477 but before I could land on the desired word, 00:00:35.477 --> 00:00:38.010 I felt a firm tap on my shoulder 00:00:38.010 --> 00:00:41.348 and a stern gaze hovered over me. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:41.348 --> 00:00:44.244 Sat in the principal's office, 00:00:44.244 --> 00:00:47.712 terrified yet unsure of my crime. 00:00:47.712 --> 00:00:50.850 He leaned in close and said, gently, 00:00:50.850 --> 00:00:53.346 "Now Sofia, why would a little girl 00:00:53.346 --> 00:00:56.943 like yourself be concerned with a word like that? 00:00:56.943 --> 00:01:00.577 I don't think your parents would be too happy to hear of it. 00:01:00.577 --> 00:01:02.577 But since this is your first time in here, 00:01:02.577 --> 00:01:05.446 I don't think they need to be told." NOTE Paragraph 00:01:05.446 --> 00:01:08.024 In that simple moment, he created 00:01:08.024 --> 00:01:11.381 the first secret I would ever keep from my parents -- 00:01:11.381 --> 00:01:12.613 (Laughter) -- 00:01:12.613 --> 00:01:19.009 and a lifelong curiosity about this shameful word spelled s-e-x. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:19.009 --> 00:01:21.784 We're going to share a lot of secrets today, you and I, 00:01:21.784 --> 00:01:24.487 and in doing so, I hope that we can lift 00:01:24.487 --> 00:01:28.329 some of the shame many of us feel about sex. NOTE Paragraph 00:01:28.329 --> 00:01:31.970 How many here have ever been catcalled by a stranger? 00:01:34.199 --> 00:01:35.675 Lots of women. 00:01:36.322 --> 00:01:39.046 For me, the time I remember best 00:01:39.046 --> 00:01:43.540 is when that stranger was a student of mine. 00:01:43.540 --> 00:01:46.290 He came up to me after class that night 00:01:46.290 --> 00:01:49.530 and his words confirmed what I already knew: 00:01:49.530 --> 00:01:51.419 "I am so sorry, professor. 00:01:51.419 --> 00:01:53.483 If I had known it was you, I would never have said those things." NOTE Paragraph 00:01:53.483 --> 00:01:57.239 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:01:57.239 --> 00:01:59.468 I wasn't a person to him 00:01:59.468 --> 00:02:02.404 until I was his professor. 00:02:02.404 --> 00:02:05.154 This concept, called objectification, 00:02:05.154 --> 00:02:07.310 is the foundation of sexism, 00:02:07.310 --> 00:02:12.216 and we see it reinforced through every aspect of our lives. 00:02:12.216 --> 00:02:16.001 We see it in the government 00:02:16.001 --> 00:02:19.284 that refuses to punish men 00:02:19.284 --> 00:02:21.300 for raping women. 00:02:21.300 --> 00:02:23.518 We see it in advertisements. 00:02:23.518 --> 00:02:24.979 How many of you have seen an advertisement 00:02:24.979 --> 00:02:31.883 that uses a women's breast to sell and entirely unrelated product? 00:02:32.632 --> 00:02:36.389 Or movie after movie after movie 00:02:36.389 --> 00:02:40.357 that portrays women as only love interests? 00:02:40.357 --> 00:02:43.872 These examples might seem inconsequential and harmless, 00:02:43.872 --> 00:02:45.187 but they're insidious, 00:02:45.187 --> 00:02:50.257 slowly building into a culture that refuses to see women as people. 00:02:50.257 --> 00:02:53.852 We see this in the school that sends home a 10-year old girl 00:02:53.852 --> 00:02:57.879 because her clothes were a distraction to boys trying to learn, 00:02:57.879 --> 00:03:02.579 or the government that refuses to punish men for raping women 00:03:02.579 --> 00:03:04.274 over and over, 00:03:04.274 --> 00:03:08.928 or the woman who is killed because she asked a man to stop grinding on her 00:03:08.928 --> 00:03:12.051 on the dance floor. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:12.051 --> 00:03:18.811 Media plays a large role in perpetuating the objectification of women. 00:03:18.811 --> 00:03:22.449 Let's consider the classic romantic comedy. 00:03:22.449 --> 00:03:24.646 We're typically introduced to two kinds of women 00:03:24.646 --> 00:03:25.954 in these movies, 00:03:25.954 --> 00:03:28.415 two kinds of desirable women, anyway. 00:03:28.415 --> 00:03:31.522 The first is the sexy bombshell. 00:03:31.522 --> 00:03:35.133 This is the unbelievably gorgeous woman with the perfect body. 00:03:35.133 --> 00:03:37.653 Our leading man has no trouble identifying her 00:03:37.653 --> 00:03:40.943 and even less trouble having sex with her. 00:03:40.943 --> 00:03:42.654 The second is our leading lady, 00:03:42.654 --> 00:03:46.482 the beautiful but demure woman our leading man falls in love with 00:03:46.482 --> 00:03:48.521 despite not noticing her at first 00:03:48.521 --> 00:03:52.037 or not liking her if he did. 00:03:52.037 --> 00:03:53.627 The first is the slut. 00:03:53.627 --> 00:03:56.088 She is to be consumed and forgotten. 00:03:56.088 --> 00:03:57.675 She is much too available. 00:03:57.675 --> 00:04:01.792 The second is desirable but modest, 00:04:01.792 --> 00:04:05.469 and therefore worthy of our leading man's future babies. 00:04:05.469 --> 00:04:06.977 Marriage material. 00:04:06.977 --> 00:04:09.470 We're actually told that women have two roles, 00:04:09.470 --> 00:04:14.686 but these two roles have a difficult time existing within the same woman. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:14.686 --> 00:04:17.972 On the rare occasion that I share with a new acquaintance 00:04:17.972 --> 00:04:20.215 that I study sex, 00:04:20.215 --> 00:04:22.508 if they don't end the conversation right then, 00:04:22.508 --> 00:04:24.802 they're usually pretty intrigued. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:24.802 --> 00:04:27.302 "Oh. Tell me more." NOTE Paragraph 00:04:27.302 --> 00:04:28.808 So I do. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:28.808 --> 00:04:32.373 "I'm really interested in studying the sexual behaviors 00:04:32.373 --> 00:04:34.791 of pregnant and postpartum couples." 00:04:34.791 --> 00:04:37.590 At this point I get a different kind of response. NOTE Paragraph 00:04:37.590 --> 00:04:40.358 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:04:40.358 --> 00:04:43.743 "Oh. Huh. 00:04:43.743 --> 00:04:45.949 Do pregnant people even have sex? 00:04:45.949 --> 00:04:48.266 Have you thought about 00:04:48.266 --> 00:04:50.004 studying sexual desire 00:04:50.004 --> 00:04:51.604 or orgasms? 00:04:51.604 --> 00:04:55.176 That would be interesting and sexy." NOTE Paragraph 00:04:55.176 --> 00:04:58.716 Tell me. What are the first words that come to mind 00:04:58.716 --> 00:05:01.388 when you picture a pregnant woman? 00:05:01.388 --> 00:05:04.556 I asked this question in a survey of over 500 adults, 00:05:04.556 --> 00:05:11.386 and most responded with belly or round and cute. 00:05:11.386 --> 00:05:12.871 This didn't surprise me too much. 00:05:12.871 --> 00:05:14.662 What else do we label as cute? 00:05:14.662 --> 00:05:17.959 Babies. Puppies. Kittens. 00:05:17.959 --> 00:05:19.886 The elderly. Right? NOTE Paragraph 00:05:19.886 --> 00:05:22.070 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:05:22.070 --> 00:05:25.541 When we label an adult as cute, though, 00:05:25.541 --> 00:05:27.941 we take away a lot of their intelligence, 00:05:27.941 --> 00:05:30.268 their complexity. 00:05:30.268 --> 00:05:33.682 We reduce them to childlike qualities. 00:05:33.682 --> 00:05:36.624 I also asked heterosexual men to imagine a woman that they're 00:05:36.624 --> 00:05:38.429 partnered with is pregnant, 00:05:38.429 --> 00:05:41.272 and then asked women to imagine that they are pregnant, 00:05:41.272 --> 00:05:43.744 and then tell me the first words that come to mind 00:05:43.744 --> 00:05:46.727 when they imagine having sex. 00:05:46.727 --> 00:05:49.386 Most of the responses were negative. 00:05:49.386 --> 00:05:51.731 Gross. 00:05:51.731 --> 00:05:53.149 Awkward. 00:05:53.149 --> 00:05:54.595 Not sexy. 00:05:54.595 --> 00:05:55.686 Odd. 00:05:55.686 --> 00:05:57.285 Uncomfortable. 00:05:57.285 --> 00:05:58.668 How? NOTE Paragraph 00:05:58.668 --> 00:06:00.955 (Laughter) NOTE Paragraph 00:06:00.955 --> 00:06:04.674 Not worth the trouble. Not worth the risk. NOTE Paragraph 00:06:04.674 --> 00:06:07.817 That last one really stuck with me. 00:06:07.817 --> 00:06:11.034 We might think that because we divorce pregnant women and moms 00:06:11.034 --> 00:06:17.561 from sexuality, we are removing the constraints of sexual objectification. 00:06:22.349 --> 00:06:22.985 They experience less sexism. Right? 00:06:23.213 --> 00:06:23.958 Not exactly. 00:06:23.958 --> 00:06:25.893 What happens instead is a different kind of objectification. 00:06:25.893 --> 00:06:28.013 In my efforts to explain this to others, 00:06:28.013 --> 00:06:32.011 one conversation led to the Venus of Willendorf, 00:06:32.011 --> 00:06:36.745 a Paleolithic figurine scholars assumed was a goddess of love and beauty, 00:06:36.745 --> 00:06:38.675 hence the name Venus. 00:06:38.675 --> 00:06:40.801 This theory was later revised, though, 00:06:40.801 --> 00:06:43.905 when scholars noted the sculptor's obvious focus 00:06:43.905 --> 00:06:47.771 on the figurine's reproductive features: 00:06:47.771 --> 00:06:50.833 large breasts, considered ideal for nursing; 00:06:50.833 --> 00:06:53.551 a round, possibly pregnant belly; 00:06:53.551 --> 00:06:58.126 the remnants of red dye, alluding to menstruation or birth. 00:06:58.126 --> 00:07:01.646 They also assumed that she was meant to be held or placed lying down 00:07:01.646 --> 00:07:03.740 because her tiny feet don't allow her 00:07:03.740 --> 00:07:06.715 to be standing. 00:07:06.715 --> 00:07:08.834 She also had no face. 00:07:08.834 --> 00:07:13.056 For this reason, it was assumed that she was a representation of fertility 00:07:13.056 --> 00:07:15.901 and not a portrait of a person. 00:07:15.901 --> 00:07:17.793 She was an object. 00:07:17.793 --> 00:07:19.572 In the history of her interpretation, 00:07:19.572 --> 00:07:22.799 she went from object of ideal beauty and love 00:07:22.799 --> 00:07:25.457 to object of reproduction. NOTE Paragraph 00:07:25.457 --> 00:07:27.687 I think this transition speaks more 00:07:27.687 --> 00:07:31.274 about the scholars who have interpreted her purpose 00:07:31.274 --> 00:07:36.350 than the actual purpose of the figurine herself. 00:07:36.350 --> 00:07:38.537 When a woman becomes pregnant, 00:07:38.537 --> 00:07:42.020 she leaves the realm of men's sexual desire 00:07:42.020 --> 00:07:44.885 and slides into her reproductive 00:07:44.885 --> 00:07:46.964 and child-rearing role. 00:07:46.964 --> 00:07:49.456 In doing so, she also becomes 00:07:49.456 --> 00:07:51.419 the property of the community, 00:07:51.419 --> 00:07:56.325 considered very important but only because she's pregnant. Right? 00:07:56.325 --> 00:07:58.774 I've taken to calling this the Willendorf effect, 00:07:58.774 --> 00:08:03.037 and once again we see it reinforced in many aspects of her life. NOTE Paragraph 00:08:03.037 --> 00:08:05.948 Has anyone here ever been visibly pregnant? NOTE Paragraph 00:08:05.948 --> 00:08:07.679 (Laughter) 00:08:07.679 --> 00:08:08.809 Yeah. That's me, right. 00:08:08.809 --> 00:08:11.007 So how many of you ever had a stranger touch your belly 00:08:11.007 --> 00:08:12.392 during pregnancy, 00:08:12.392 --> 00:08:15.855 maybe without even asking your permission first? 00:08:15.855 --> 00:08:18.117 Or told what you can and cannot eat 00:08:18.117 --> 00:08:21.903 by somebody who is not your doctor, your medical care provider? 00:08:21.903 --> 00:08:26.234 Or asked private questions about your birth plan? 00:08:26.234 --> 00:08:29.641 And then told why those choices are all wrong? 00:08:29.641 --> 00:08:30.839 Yeah, me too. 00:08:30.839 --> 00:08:35.081 Or had a server refuse to bring you a glass of wine? 00:08:35.081 --> 00:08:37.698 This one might give you pause, I know, but stay with me. 00:08:37.698 --> 00:08:39.820 This is a huge secret. 00:08:39.820 --> 00:08:44.687 It is actually safe to drink in moderation during pregnancy. 00:08:44.687 --> 00:08:47.753 Many of us don't know this because doctors don't trust 00:08:47.753 --> 00:08:50.000 pregnant women with this secret -- 00:08:50.000 --> 00:08:53.222 (Laughter) 00:08:53.222 --> 00:08:59.545 especially if she's less educated or a woman of color. 00:08:59.545 --> 00:09:02.330 What this tells us is, 00:09:02.330 --> 00:09:05.791 this Willendorf effect, it's also classist and racist. 00:09:05.791 --> 00:09:12.797 It's present when the government reminds women with every new 00:09:12.797 --> 00:09:17.078 anti-choice bill that the contents of her uterus are not her own, 00:09:17.078 --> 00:09:21.585 or when an OBGYN says, "while it's safe to have sex during pregnancy, 00:09:21.585 --> 00:09:23.041 sometimes you never know. 00:09:23.041 --> 00:09:25.085 Better safe than sorry, right?" 00:09:25.085 --> 00:09:29.598 She's denied basic privacy and bodily autonomy 00:09:29.598 --> 00:09:32.198 under the guise of "be a good mother." 00:09:32.198 --> 00:09:34.833 We don't trust her to make her own decisions. 00:09:34.833 --> 00:09:37.020 She's cute, remember? 00:09:38.040 --> 00:09:46.070 When we tell women 00:09:46.070 --> 00:09:50.078 that sex isn't worth the risk during pregnancy, 00:09:50.078 --> 00:09:54.319 what we're telling her is that her sexual pleasure doesn't matter. 00:09:54.319 --> 00:09:57.471 So what we are telling her is that she in fact doesn't matter, 00:09:57.471 --> 00:10:03.050 even though the needs of her fetus are not at odds with her own needs. 00:10:03.050 --> 00:10:05.975 So medical providers such as 00:10:05.975 --> 00:10:08.569 the The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists 00:10:08.569 --> 00:10:13.216 have the opportunity to educate about the safety of sex during pregnancy. 00:10:13.216 --> 00:10:15.564 So what do the experts say? 00:10:15.564 --> 00:10:18.144 ACOG actually has no public official statement 00:10:18.144 --> 00:10:21.762 about the safety of sex during pregnancy. 00:10:21.762 --> 00:10:25.150 Guidance from the Mayo Clinic is generally positive 00:10:25.150 --> 00:10:27.548 but presented with a caveat: 00:10:27.548 --> 00:10:30.955 "Although most women can safely have sex throughout prgenancy, 00:10:30.955 --> 00:10:33.149 sometimes it's best to be cautious." NOTE Paragraph 00:10:33.149 --> 00:10:35.962 Some women don't want to have sex during pregnancy, 00:10:35.962 --> 00:10:37.350 and that's okay. 00:10:37.350 --> 00:10:39.816 Some women do want to have sex during pregnancy, 00:10:39.816 --> 00:10:41.591 and that's okay too. 00:10:41.591 --> 00:10:44.109 What needs to stop is society telling women 00:10:44.109 --> 00:10:46.923 what they can and cannot do with their bodies. NOTE Paragraph 00:10:47.893 --> 00:10:50.358 (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:10:53.904 --> 00:10:56.601 Pregnant women are not faceless, 00:10:56.601 --> 00:11:02.092 identity-less vessels of reproduction who can't stand on their own two feet. 00:11:02.092 --> 00:11:04.449 But the truth is, the real secret is, 00:11:04.449 --> 00:11:09.098 we tell all women that their sexual pleasure doesn't matter. 00:11:09.098 --> 00:11:12.278 We refuse to even acknowledge that women who have sex with women 00:11:12.278 --> 00:11:14.924 or women who don't want children even exist. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:14.924 --> 00:11:16.747 "Oh, it's just a phase." NOTE Paragraph 00:11:16.747 --> 00:11:19.475 "She just needs the right man to come along." NOTE Paragraph 00:11:19.475 --> 00:11:22.097 Every time a women has sex 00:11:22.097 --> 00:11:24.433 simply because it feels good, 00:11:24.433 --> 00:11:26.346 it is revolutionary. 00:11:26.346 --> 00:11:28.606 She is revolutionary. 00:11:28.606 --> 00:11:30.977 She is pushing back against society's insistence 00:11:30.977 --> 00:11:33.360 that she exist simply for men's pleasure 00:11:33.360 --> 00:11:35.389 or for reproduction. 00:11:35.389 --> 00:11:40.426 A woman who prioritizes her sexual needs is scary, 00:11:40.426 --> 00:11:45.497 because a woman who prioritizes her sexual needs prioritizes herself. NOTE Paragraph 00:11:45.497 --> 00:11:48.870 (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:11:48.870 --> 00:11:54.014 That is a woman demanding that she be treated as an equal. 00:11:54.014 --> 00:11:56.710 That is a woman who insists that you make room for her 00:11:56.710 --> 00:11:58.804 at the table of power, 00:11:58.804 --> 00:12:00.786 and that is the most terrifying of all, 00:12:00.786 --> 00:12:03.454 because we can't make room for her 00:12:03.454 --> 00:12:07.283 without some of us giving up the extra space we hold. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:07.283 --> 00:12:10.422 (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:12:14.545 --> 00:12:16.949 I have one last secret for you. 00:12:16.949 --> 00:12:18.651 I am the mother of two boys, 00:12:18.651 --> 00:12:21.325 and we could use your help. 00:12:21.325 --> 00:12:25.264 Even though my boys hear me say regularly 00:12:25.264 --> 00:12:29.136 that it's important for men to recognize women as equals, 00:12:29.136 --> 00:12:32.489 and they see their father modeling this, 00:12:32.489 --> 00:12:36.794 we need what happens in the world to reinforce what happens in our home. 00:12:36.794 --> 00:12:40.164 This is not a men's problem or a women's problem. 00:12:40.164 --> 00:12:42.075 This is everyone's problem, 00:12:42.075 --> 00:12:46.645 and we all play a role in dismantling systems of inequality. 00:12:46.645 --> 00:12:49.620 For starters, we have got to stop telling women what they can 00:12:49.620 --> 00:12:51.020 and cannot do with their bodies. NOTE Paragraph 00:12:51.020 --> 00:12:54.692 (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:12:56.415 --> 00:12:59.864 This includes not treating pregnant women like community property. 00:12:59.864 --> 00:13:01.833 If you don't know her, don't even ask to touch her belly. 00:13:01.833 --> 00:13:05.525 You wouldn't to anybody else. 00:13:05.525 --> 00:13:07.622 Don't tell her what she can and cannot eat. 00:13:07.622 --> 00:13:10.929 Don't ask her private details about her medical decisions. 00:13:10.929 --> 00:13:13.180 This also includes understanding that 00:13:13.180 --> 00:13:15.730 even if you are personally against abortion, 00:13:15.730 --> 00:13:18.703 you can still fight for a woman's right to choose. 00:13:18.703 --> 00:13:20.714 When it comes to women's equality, 00:13:20.714 --> 00:13:23.012 the two need not oppose one another. 00:13:23.012 --> 00:13:25.150 If you're somebody who has sex with women, 00:13:25.150 --> 00:13:27.037 prioritize her pleasure. 00:13:27.037 --> 00:13:29.511 If you don't know how, ask. 00:13:29.511 --> 00:13:31.770 If you have children -- 00:13:31.770 --> 00:13:33.376 (Laughter) -- 00:13:33.376 --> 00:13:37.370 have conversations about sex as early as possible, 00:13:37.370 --> 00:13:41.650 because kids don't look up s-e-x in the dictionary anymore. 00:13:41.650 --> 00:13:43.588 They look it up on the Internet, 00:13:43.588 --> 00:13:47.253 and when you're having those conversations about sex, 00:13:47.253 --> 00:13:50.078 don't center them on reproduction only. 00:13:50.078 --> 00:13:51.582 People have sex for many reasons, 00:13:51.582 --> 00:13:53.107 some because they want a baby, 00:13:53.107 --> 00:13:57.648 but most of us have sex because it feels good. Admit it. 00:13:57.648 --> 00:14:01.368 And regardless of whether you have children or not, 00:14:01.368 --> 00:14:03.416 support comprehensive sex education 00:14:03.416 --> 00:14:05.473 that doesn't shame our teenagers. NOTE Paragraph 00:14:05.473 --> 00:14:08.239 (Applause) NOTE Paragraph 00:14:13.645 --> 00:14:16.684 Nothing positive comes from shaming teens 00:14:16.684 --> 00:14:19.038 for their sexual desires, behaviors, 00:14:19.038 --> 00:14:24.813 other than positive STD and pregnancy tests. NOTE Paragraph 00:14:24.813 --> 00:14:27.358 Every single day, we are all given the opportunity 00:14:27.358 --> 00:14:31.129 to disrupt patterns of inequality. 00:14:31.129 --> 00:14:35.015 I think we can all agree that it's worth the trouble to do so. NOTE Paragraph 00:14:35.015 --> 00:14:37.186 Thank you. NOTE Paragraph 00:14:37.186 --> 00:14:39.865 (Applause)