0:00:01.583,0:00:05.217 I started kindergarten[br]already being able to read, 0:00:05.217,0:00:08.977 a skill a classmate[br]would quickly take advantage of. 0:00:08.977,0:00:12.181 He whispered to me in the library one day, 0:00:12.181,0:00:15.308 "Hey Sofia, can you look up the word sex? 0:00:15.308,0:00:18.857 I want to see what[br]it says in the dictionary." 0:00:18.857,0:00:22.724 I had never heard of this word,[br]so of course I was curious. 0:00:22.724,0:00:24.550 "Yeah. Okay." 0:00:24.550,0:00:27.501 My fingers slowly trailed down the page, 0:00:27.501,0:00:29.411 eagerly searching for the letters 0:00:29.411,0:00:33.435 s-e-x, s-e-x, 0:00:33.435,0:00:35.477 but before I could land[br]on the desired word, 0:00:35.477,0:00:38.010 I felt a firm tap on my shoulder 0:00:38.010,0:00:41.348 and a stern gaze hovered over me. 0:00:41.348,0:00:44.244 Sat in the principal's office, 0:00:44.244,0:00:47.712 terrified yet unsure of my crime. 0:00:47.712,0:00:50.850 He leaned in close and said, gently, 0:00:50.850,0:00:53.346 "Now Sofia, why would a little girl 0:00:53.346,0:00:56.943 like yourself be concerned[br]with a word like that? 0:00:56.943,0:01:00.577 I don't think your parents[br]would be too happy to hear of it. 0:01:00.577,0:01:02.577 But since this is your first time in here, 0:01:02.577,0:01:05.446 I don't think they need to be told." 0:01:05.446,0:01:08.024 In that simple moment, he created 0:01:08.024,0:01:11.381 the first secret I would ever[br]keep from my parents -- 0:01:11.381,0:01:12.613 (Laughter) -- 0:01:12.613,0:01:19.009 and a lifelong curiosity about[br]this shameful word spelled s-e-x. 0:01:19.009,0:01:21.784 We're going to share[br]a lot of secrets today, you and I, 0:01:21.784,0:01:24.487 and in doing so, I hope that we can lift 0:01:24.487,0:01:28.329 some of the shame many of us[br]feel about sex. 0:01:28.329,0:01:31.970 How many here have ever been[br]catcalled by a stranger? 0:01:34.199,0:01:35.675 Lots of women. 0:01:36.322,0:01:39.046 For me, the time I remember best 0:01:39.046,0:01:43.540 is when that stranger[br]was a student of mine. 0:01:43.540,0:01:46.290 He came up to me after class that night 0:01:46.290,0:01:49.530 and his words confirmed[br]what I already knew: 0:01:49.530,0:01:51.419 "I am so sorry, professor. 0:01:51.419,0:01:53.483 If I had known it was you,[br]I would never have said those things." 0:01:53.483,0:01:57.239 (Laughter) 0:01:57.239,0:01:59.468 I wasn't a person to him 0:01:59.468,0:02:02.404 until I was his professor. 0:02:02.404,0:02:05.154 This concept, called objectification, 0:02:05.154,0:02:07.310 is the foundation of sexism, 0:02:07.310,0:02:12.216 and we see it reinforced[br]through every aspect of our lives. 0:02:12.216,0:02:16.001 We see it in the government 0:02:16.001,0:02:19.284 that refuses to punish men 0:02:19.284,0:02:21.300 for raping women. 0:02:21.300,0:02:23.518 We see it in advertisements. 0:02:23.518,0:02:24.979 How many of you have seen[br]an advertisement 0:02:24.979,0:02:31.883 that uses a women's breast to sell[br]and entirely unrelated product? 0:02:32.632,0:02:36.389 Or movie after movie after movie 0:02:36.389,0:02:40.357 that portrays women[br]as only love interests? 0:02:40.357,0:02:43.872 These examples might seem[br]inconsequential and harmless, 0:02:43.872,0:02:45.187 but they're insidious, 0:02:45.187,0:02:50.257 slowly building into a culture[br]that refuses to see women as people. 0:02:50.257,0:02:53.852 We see this in the school[br]that sends home a 10-year old girl 0:02:53.852,0:02:57.879 because her clothes were a distraction[br]to boys trying to learn, 0:02:57.879,0:03:02.579 or the government that refuses[br]to punish men for raping women 0:03:02.579,0:03:04.274 over and over, 0:03:04.274,0:03:08.928 or the woman who is killed because[br]she asked a man to stop grinding on her 0:03:08.928,0:03:12.051 on the dance floor. 0:03:12.051,0:03:18.811 Media plays a large role in perpetuating[br]the objectification of women. 0:03:18.811,0:03:22.449 Let's consider the classic[br]romantic comedy. 0:03:22.449,0:03:24.646 We're typically introduced[br]to two kinds of women 0:03:24.646,0:03:25.954 in these movies, 0:03:25.954,0:03:28.415 two kinds of desirable women, anyway. 0:03:28.415,0:03:31.522 The first is the sexy bombshell. 0:03:31.522,0:03:35.133 This is the unbelievably gorgeous woman[br]with the perfect body. 0:03:35.133,0:03:37.653 Our leading man has no trouble[br]identifying her 0:03:37.653,0:03:40.943 and even less trouble having sex with her. 0:03:40.943,0:03:42.654 The second is our leading lady, 0:03:42.654,0:03:46.482 the beautiful but demure woman[br]our leading man falls in love with 0:03:46.482,0:03:48.521 despite not noticing her at first 0:03:48.521,0:03:52.037 or not liking her if he did. 0:03:52.037,0:03:53.627 The first is the slut. 0:03:53.627,0:03:56.088 She is to be consumed and forgotten. 0:03:56.088,0:03:57.675 She is much too available. 0:03:57.675,0:04:01.792 The second is desirable but modest, 0:04:01.792,0:04:05.469 and therefore worthy of our[br]leading man's future babies. 0:04:05.469,0:04:06.977 Marriage material. 0:04:06.977,0:04:09.470 We're actually told that women[br]have two roles, 0:04:09.470,0:04:14.686 but these two roles have a difficult time[br]existing within the same woman. 0:04:14.686,0:04:17.972 On the rare occasion that I share[br]with a new acquaintance 0:04:17.972,0:04:20.215 that I study sex, 0:04:20.215,0:04:22.508 if they don't end[br]the conversation right then, 0:04:22.508,0:04:24.802 they're usually pretty intrigued. 0:04:24.802,0:04:27.302 "Oh. Tell me more." 0:04:27.302,0:04:28.808 So I do. 0:04:28.808,0:04:32.373 "I'm really interested in studying[br]the sexual behaviors 0:04:32.373,0:04:34.791 of pregnant and postpartum couples." 0:04:34.791,0:04:37.590 At this point I get[br]a different kind of response. 0:04:37.590,0:04:40.358 (Laughter) 0:04:40.358,0:04:43.743 "Oh. Huh. 0:04:43.743,0:04:45.949 Do pregnant people even have sex? 0:04:45.949,0:04:48.266 Have you thought about 0:04:48.266,0:04:50.004 studying sexual desire 0:04:50.004,0:04:51.604 or orgasms? 0:04:51.604,0:04:55.176 That would be interesting and sexy." 0:04:55.176,0:04:58.716 Tell me. What are the first words[br]that come to mind 0:04:58.716,0:05:01.388 when you picture a pregnant woman? 0:05:01.388,0:05:04.556 I asked this question in a survey[br]of over 500 adults, 0:05:04.556,0:05:11.386 and most responded with[br]belly or round and cute. 0:05:11.386,0:05:12.871 This didn't surprise me too much. 0:05:12.871,0:05:14.662 What else do we label as cute? 0:05:14.662,0:05:17.959 Babies. Puppies. Kittens. 0:05:17.959,0:05:19.886 The elderly. Right? 0:05:19.886,0:05:22.070 (Laughter) 0:05:22.070,0:05:25.541 When we label an adult as cute, though, 0:05:25.541,0:05:27.941 we take away a lot of their intelligence, 0:05:27.941,0:05:30.268 their complexity. 0:05:30.268,0:05:33.682 We reduce them to childlike qualities. 0:05:33.682,0:05:36.624 I also asked heterosexual men[br]to imagine a woman that they're 0:05:36.624,0:05:38.429 partnered with is pregnant, 0:05:38.429,0:05:41.272 and then asked women to imagine[br]that they are pregnant, 0:05:41.272,0:05:43.744 and then tell me the first words[br]that come to mind 0:05:43.744,0:05:46.727 when they imagine having sex. 0:05:46.727,0:05:49.386 Most of the responses were negative. 0:05:49.386,0:05:51.731 Gross. 0:05:51.731,0:05:53.149 Awkward. 0:05:53.149,0:05:54.595 Not sexy. 0:05:54.595,0:05:55.686 Odd. 0:05:55.686,0:05:57.285 Uncomfortable. 0:05:57.285,0:05:58.668 How? 0:05:58.668,0:06:00.955 (Laughter) 0:06:00.955,0:06:04.674 Not worth the trouble.[br]Not worth the risk. 0:06:04.674,0:06:07.817 That last one really stuck with me. 0:06:07.817,0:06:11.034 We might think that because[br]we divorce pregnant women and moms 0:06:11.034,0:06:17.561 from sexuality, we are removing[br]the constraints of sexual objectification. 0:06:22.349,0:06:22.985 They experience less sexism. Right? 0:06:23.213,0:06:23.958 Not exactly. 0:06:23.958,0:06:25.893 What happens instead is a different[br]kind of objectification. 0:06:25.893,0:06:28.013 In my efforts to explain this to others, 0:06:28.013,0:06:32.011 one conversation led to[br]the Venus of Willendorf, 0:06:32.011,0:06:36.745 a Paleolithic figurine scholars assumed[br]was a goddess of love and beauty, 0:06:36.745,0:06:38.675 hence the name Venus. 0:06:38.675,0:06:40.801 This theory was later revised, though, 0:06:40.801,0:06:43.905 when scholars noted the sculptor's[br]obvious focus 0:06:43.905,0:06:47.771 on the figurine's reproductive features: 0:06:47.771,0:06:50.833 large breasts, considered[br]ideal for nursing; 0:06:50.833,0:06:53.551 a round, possibly pregnant belly; 0:06:53.551,0:06:58.126 the remnants of red dye,[br]alluding to menstruation or birth. 0:06:58.126,0:07:01.646 They also assumed that she was[br]meant to be held or placed lying down 0:07:01.646,0:07:03.740 because her tiny feet don't allow her 0:07:03.740,0:07:06.715 to be standing. 0:07:06.715,0:07:08.834 She also had no face. 0:07:08.834,0:07:13.056 For this reason, it was assumed[br]that she was a representation of fertility 0:07:13.056,0:07:15.901 and not a portrait of a person. 0:07:15.901,0:07:17.793 She was an object. 0:07:17.793,0:07:19.572 In the history of her interpretation, 0:07:19.572,0:07:22.799 she went from object[br]of ideal beauty and love 0:07:22.799,0:07:25.457 to object of reproduction. 0:07:25.457,0:07:27.687 I think this transition speaks more 0:07:27.687,0:07:31.274 about the scholars who have[br]interpreted her purpose 0:07:31.274,0:07:36.350 than the actual purpose[br]of the figurine herself. 0:07:36.350,0:07:38.537 When a woman becomes pregnant, 0:07:38.537,0:07:42.020 she leaves the realm[br]of men's sexual desire 0:07:42.020,0:07:44.885 and slides into her reproductive 0:07:44.885,0:07:46.964 and child-rearing role. 0:07:46.964,0:07:49.456 In doing so, she also becomes 0:07:49.456,0:07:51.419 the property of the community, 0:07:51.419,0:07:56.325 considered very important[br]but only because she's pregnant. Right? 0:07:56.325,0:07:58.774 I've taken to calling this[br]the Willendorf effect, 0:07:58.774,0:08:03.037 and once again we see it reinforced[br]in many aspects of her life. 0:08:03.037,0:08:05.948 Has anyone here ever been[br]visibly pregnant? 0:08:05.948,0:08:07.679 (Laughter) 0:08:07.679,0:08:08.809 Yeah. That's me, right. 0:08:08.809,0:08:11.007 So how many of you ever had[br]a stranger touch your belly 0:08:11.007,0:08:12.392 during pregnancy, 0:08:12.392,0:08:15.855 maybe without even asking[br]your permission first? 0:08:15.855,0:08:18.117 Or told what you can and cannot eat 0:08:18.117,0:08:21.903 by somebody who is not your doctor,[br]your medical care provider? 0:08:21.903,0:08:26.234 Or asked private questions[br]about your birth plan? 0:08:26.234,0:08:29.641 And then told why those choices[br]are all wrong? 0:08:29.641,0:08:30.839 Yeah, me too. 0:08:30.839,0:08:35.081 Or had a server refuse[br]to bring you a glass of wine? 0:08:35.081,0:08:37.698 This one might give you pause, I know,[br]but stay with me. 0:08:37.698,0:08:39.820 This is a huge secret. 0:08:39.820,0:08:44.687 It is actually safe to drink[br]in moderation during pregnancy. 0:08:44.687,0:08:47.753 Many of us don't know this[br]because doctors don't trust 0:08:47.753,0:08:50.000 pregnant women with this secret -- 0:08:50.000,0:08:53.222 (Laughter) 0:08:53.222,0:08:59.545 especially if she's less educated[br]or a woman of color. 0:08:59.545,0:09:02.330 What this tells us is, 0:09:02.330,0:09:05.791 this Willendorf effect,[br]it's also classist and racist. 0:09:05.791,0:09:12.797 It's present when the government[br]reminds women with every new 0:09:12.797,0:09:17.078 anti-choice bill that the contents[br]of her uterus are not her own, 0:09:17.078,0:09:21.585 or when an OBGYN says, "while it's safe[br]to have sex during pregnancy, 0:09:21.585,0:09:23.041 sometimes you never know. 0:09:23.041,0:09:25.085 Better safe than sorry, right?" 0:09:25.085,0:09:29.598 She's denied basic privacy[br]and bodily autonomy 0:09:29.598,0:09:32.198 under the guise of "be a good mother." 0:09:32.198,0:09:34.833 We don't trust her[br]to make her own decisions. 0:09:34.833,0:09:37.020 She's cute, remember? 0:09:38.040,0:09:46.070 When we tell women 0:09:46.070,0:09:50.078 that sex isn't worth the risk[br]during pregnancy, 0:09:50.078,0:09:54.319 what we're telling her is that[br]her sexual pleasure doesn't matter. 0:09:54.319,0:09:57.471 So what we are telling her[br]is that she in fact doesn't matter, 0:09:57.471,0:10:03.050 even though the needs of her fetus[br]are not at odds with her own needs. 0:10:03.050,0:10:05.975 So medical providers such as 0:10:05.975,0:10:08.569 the The American College[br]of Obstetricians and Gynecologists 0:10:08.569,0:10:13.216 have the opportunity to educate[br]about the safety of sex during pregnancy. 0:10:13.216,0:10:15.564 So what do the experts say? 0:10:15.564,0:10:18.144 ACOG actually has no public[br]official statement 0:10:18.144,0:10:21.762 about the safety of sex during pregnancy. 0:10:21.762,0:10:25.150 Guidance from the Mayo Clinic[br]is generally positive 0:10:25.150,0:10:27.548 but presented with a caveat: 0:10:27.548,0:10:30.955 "Although most women can safely[br]have sex throughout prgenancy, 0:10:30.955,0:10:33.149 sometimes it's best to be cautious." 0:10:33.149,0:10:35.962 Some women don't want to have[br]sex during pregnancy, 0:10:35.962,0:10:37.350 and that's okay. 0:10:37.350,0:10:39.816 Some women do want to have[br]sex during pregnancy, 0:10:39.816,0:10:41.591 and that's okay too. 0:10:41.591,0:10:44.109 What needs to stop[br]is society telling women 0:10:44.109,0:10:46.923 what they can and cannot do[br]with their bodies. 0:10:47.893,0:10:50.358 (Applause) 0:10:53.904,0:10:56.601 Pregnant women are not faceless, 0:10:56.601,0:11:02.092 identity-less vessels of reproduction[br]who can't stand on their own two feet. 0:11:02.092,0:11:04.449 But the truth is, the real secret is, 0:11:04.449,0:11:09.098 we tell all women that their[br]sexual pleasure doesn't matter. 0:11:09.098,0:11:12.278 We refuse to even acknowledge[br]that women who have sex with women 0:11:12.278,0:11:14.924 or women who don't[br]want children even exist. 0:11:14.924,0:11:16.747 "Oh, it's just a phase." 0:11:16.747,0:11:19.475 "She just needs the right man[br]to come along." 0:11:19.475,0:11:22.097 Every time a women has sex 0:11:22.097,0:11:24.433 simply because it feels good, 0:11:24.433,0:11:26.346 it is revolutionary. 0:11:26.346,0:11:28.606 She is revolutionary. 0:11:28.606,0:11:30.977 She is pushing back against[br]society's insistence 0:11:30.977,0:11:33.360 that she exist simply for men's pleasure 0:11:33.360,0:11:35.389 or for reproduction. 0:11:35.389,0:11:40.426 A woman who prioritizes[br]her sexual needs is scary, 0:11:40.426,0:11:45.497 because a woman who prioritizes[br]her sexual needs prioritizes herself. 0:11:45.497,0:11:48.870 (Applause) 0:11:48.870,0:11:54.014 That is a woman demanding[br]that she be treated as an equal. 0:11:54.014,0:11:56.710 That is a woman who insists[br]that you make room for her 0:11:56.710,0:11:58.804 at the table of power, 0:11:58.804,0:12:00.786 and that is the most terrifying of all, 0:12:00.786,0:12:03.454 because we can't make room for her 0:12:03.454,0:12:07.283 without some of us giving up[br]the extra space we hold. 0:12:07.283,0:12:10.422 (Applause) 0:12:14.545,0:12:16.949 I have one last secret for you. 0:12:16.949,0:12:18.651 I am the mother of two boys, 0:12:18.651,0:12:21.325 and we could use your help. 0:12:21.325,0:12:25.264 Even though my boys hear me say regularly 0:12:25.264,0:12:29.136 that it's important for men[br]to recognize women as equals, 0:12:29.136,0:12:32.489 and they see their father modeling this, 0:12:32.489,0:12:36.794 we need what happens in the world[br]to reinforce what happens in our home. 0:12:36.794,0:12:40.164 This is not a men's problem[br]or a women's problem. 0:12:40.164,0:12:42.075 This is everyone's problem, 0:12:42.075,0:12:46.645 and we all play a role in dismantling[br]systems of inequality. 0:12:46.645,0:12:49.620 For starters, we have got to stop[br]telling women what they can 0:12:49.620,0:12:51.020 and cannot do with their bodies. 0:12:51.020,0:12:54.692 (Applause) 0:12:56.415,0:12:59.864 This includes not treating pregnant women[br]like community property. 0:12:59.864,0:13:01.833 If you don't know her, don't even ask[br]to touch her belly. 0:13:01.833,0:13:05.525 You wouldn't to anybody else. 0:13:05.525,0:13:07.622 Don't tell her what she can[br]and cannot eat. 0:13:07.622,0:13:10.929 Don't ask her private details[br]about her medical decisions. 0:13:10.929,0:13:13.180 This also includes understanding that 0:13:13.180,0:13:15.730 even if you are personally[br]against abortion, 0:13:15.730,0:13:18.703 you can still fight for a woman's[br]right to choose. 0:13:18.703,0:13:20.714 When it comes to women's equality, 0:13:20.714,0:13:23.012 the two need not oppose one another. 0:13:23.012,0:13:25.150 If you're somebody who has sex with women, 0:13:25.150,0:13:27.037 prioritize her pleasure. 0:13:27.037,0:13:29.511 If you don't know how, ask. 0:13:29.511,0:13:31.770 If you have children -- 0:13:31.770,0:13:33.376 (Laughter) -- 0:13:33.376,0:13:37.370 have conversations about sex[br]as early as possible, 0:13:37.370,0:13:41.650 because kids don't look up s-e-x[br]in the dictionary anymore. 0:13:41.650,0:13:43.588 They look it up on the Internet, 0:13:43.588,0:13:47.253 and when you're having[br]those conversations about sex, 0:13:47.253,0:13:50.078 don't center them on reproduction only. 0:13:50.078,0:13:51.582 People have sex for many reasons, 0:13:51.582,0:13:53.107 some because they want a baby, 0:13:53.107,0:13:57.648 but most of us have sex[br]because it feels good. Admit it. 0:13:57.648,0:14:01.368 And regardless of whether[br]you have children or not, 0:14:01.368,0:14:03.416 support comprehensive sex education 0:14:03.416,0:14:05.473 that doesn't shame our teenagers. 0:14:05.473,0:14:08.239 (Applause) 0:14:13.645,0:14:16.684 Nothing positive comes from shaming teens 0:14:16.684,0:14:19.038 for their sexual desires, behaviors, 0:14:19.038,0:14:24.813 other than positive STD[br]and pregnancy tests. 0:14:24.813,0:14:27.358 Every single day, we are all given[br]the opportunity 0:14:27.358,0:14:31.129 to disrupt patterns of inequality. 0:14:31.129,0:14:35.015 I think we can all agree[br]that it's worth the trouble to do so. 0:14:35.015,0:14:37.186 Thank you. 0:14:37.186,0:14:39.865 (Applause)