0:00:00.876,0:00:03.811 We're going to share[br]a lot of secrets today, you and I, 0:00:03.835,0:00:06.291 and in doing so, I hope that we can lift 0:00:06.315,0:00:08.915 some of the shame[br]many of us feel about sex. 0:00:10.915,0:00:14.395 How many here have ever been[br]catcalled by a stranger? 0:00:16.075,0:00:17.635 Lots of women. 0:00:18.521,0:00:21.178 For me, the time I remember best 0:00:21.202,0:00:24.562 is when that stranger[br]was a student of mine. 0:00:25.595,0:00:28.531 He came up to me after class that night 0:00:28.555,0:00:31.411 and his words confirmed[br]what I already knew: 0:00:31.435,0:00:33.211 "I am so sorry, professor. 0:00:33.235,0:00:37.131 If I had known it was you,[br]I would never have said those things." 0:00:37.155,0:00:39.451 (Laughter) 0:00:39.475,0:00:43.555 I wasn't a person to him[br]until I was his professor. 0:00:44.515,0:00:47.091 This concept, called objectification, 0:00:47.115,0:00:49.171 is the foundation of sexism, 0:00:49.195,0:00:52.715 and we see it reinforced[br]through every aspect of our lives. 0:00:55.635,0:00:57.851 We see it in the government 0:00:57.875,0:01:01.291 that refuses to punish men 0:01:01.315,0:01:03.051 for raping women. 0:01:03.075,0:01:05.371 We see it in advertisements. 0:01:05.395,0:01:07.403 How many of you have seen an advertisement 0:01:07.427,0:01:12.795 that uses a woman's breast[br]to sell an entirely unrelated product? 0:01:14.515,0:01:18.291 Or movie after movie after movie 0:01:18.315,0:01:21.195 that portrays women[br]as only love interests? 0:01:22.195,0:01:25.811 These examples might seem[br]inconsequential and harmless, 0:01:25.835,0:01:27.091 but they're insidious, 0:01:27.115,0:01:31.395 slowly building into a culture[br]that refuses to see women as people. 0:01:31.955,0:01:36.145 We see this in the school[br]that sends home a 10-year-old girl 0:01:36.169,0:01:39.811 because her clothes were[br]a distraction to boys trying to learn, 0:01:39.835,0:01:45.011 or the government that refuses[br]to punish men for raping women 0:01:45.035,0:01:46.611 over and over, 0:01:46.635,0:01:48.091 or the woman who is killed 0:01:48.115,0:01:52.195 because she asked a man to stop[br]grinding on her on the dance floor. 0:01:55.515,0:02:00.275 Media plays a large role in perpetuating[br]the objectification of women. 0:02:01.395,0:02:04.211 Let's consider[br]the classic romantic comedy. 0:02:04.235,0:02:08.131 We're typically introduced[br]to two kinds of women in these movies, 0:02:08.155,0:02:10.891 two kinds of desirable women, anyway. 0:02:10.915,0:02:13.331 The first is the sexy bombshell. 0:02:13.355,0:02:17.011 This is the unbelievably gorgeous woman[br]with the perfect body. 0:02:17.035,0:02:19.651 Our leading man[br]has no trouble identifying her 0:02:19.675,0:02:22.035 and even less trouble having sex with her. 0:02:22.755,0:02:24.611 The second is our leading lady, 0:02:24.635,0:02:28.491 the beautiful but demure woman[br]our leading man falls in love with 0:02:28.515,0:02:30.651 despite not noticing her at first 0:02:30.675,0:02:33.275 or not liking her if he did. 0:02:33.835,0:02:35.851 The first is the slut. 0:02:35.875,0:02:37.891 She is to be consumed and forgotten. 0:02:37.915,0:02:39.195 She is much too available. 0:02:39.795,0:02:43.451 The second is desirable but modest, 0:02:43.475,0:02:46.931 and therefore worthy[br]of our leading man's future babies. 0:02:46.955,0:02:48.155 Marriage material. 0:02:48.755,0:02:51.691 We're actually told[br]that women have two roles, 0:02:51.715,0:02:55.955 but these two roles have a difficult time[br]existing within the same woman. 0:02:56.555,0:03:00.211 On the rare occasion[br]that I share with a new acquaintance 0:03:00.235,0:03:01.971 that I study sex, 0:03:01.995,0:03:04.371 if they don't end[br]the conversation right then, 0:03:04.395,0:03:06.395 they're usually pretty intrigued. 0:03:07.315,0:03:09.091 "Oh. Tell me more." 0:03:09.115,0:03:10.315 So I do. 0:03:12.195,0:03:14.811 "I'm really interested[br]in studying the sexual behaviors 0:03:14.835,0:03:16.611 of pregnant and postpartum couples." 0:03:16.635,0:03:20.171 At this point I get[br]a different kind of response. 0:03:20.195,0:03:22.171 (Laughter) 0:03:22.195,0:03:23.995 "Oh. Huh. 0:03:24.675,0:03:26.875 Do pregnant people even have sex? 0:03:28.075,0:03:32.011 Have you thought[br]about studying sexual desire 0:03:32.035,0:03:33.371 or orgasms? 0:03:33.395,0:03:36.395 That would be interesting, and sexy." 0:03:38.115,0:03:40.651 Tell me. What are the first words[br]that come to mind 0:03:40.675,0:03:42.475 when you picture a pregnant woman? 0:03:43.275,0:03:46.691 I asked this question[br]in a survey of over 500 adults, 0:03:46.715,0:03:50.291 and most responded with "belly" or "round" 0:03:50.315,0:03:52.355 and "cute." 0:03:53.035,0:03:54.651 This didn't surprise me too much. 0:03:54.675,0:03:56.315 What else do we label as cute? 0:03:57.835,0:04:00.331 Babies. Puppies. Kittens. 0:04:00.355,0:04:02.011 The elderly. Right? 0:04:02.035,0:04:03.755 (Laughter) 0:04:05.050,0:04:07.707 When we label an adult as cute, though, 0:04:07.731,0:04:10.211 we take away a lot of their intelligence, 0:04:10.235,0:04:11.435 their complexity. 0:04:12.195,0:04:14.675 We reduce them to childlike qualities. 0:04:15.555,0:04:17.211 I also asked heterosexual men 0:04:17.235,0:04:20.371 to imagine a woman that they're[br]partnered with is pregnant, 0:04:20.395,0:04:23.171 and then asked women[br]to imagine that they are pregnant, 0:04:23.195,0:04:25.811 and then tell me[br]the first words that come to mind 0:04:25.835,0:04:27.875 when they imagine having sex. 0:04:28.955,0:04:31.035 Most of the responses were negative. 0:04:32.242,0:04:33.669 "Gross." 0:04:33.693,0:04:35.066 "Awkward." 0:04:35.090,0:04:37.531 "Not sexy." "Odd." 0:04:37.555,0:04:38.755 "Uncomfortable." 0:04:39.235,0:04:40.491 "How?" 0:04:40.515,0:04:42.515 (Laughter) 0:04:43.315,0:04:46.411 "Not worth the trouble."[br]"Not worth the risk." 0:04:46.435,0:04:48.435 That last one really stuck with me. 0:04:49.715,0:04:54.451 We might think that because we divorce[br]pregnant women and moms from sexuality, 0:04:54.475,0:04:59.491 we are removing the constraints[br]of sexual objectification. 0:04:59.515,0:05:01.555 They experience less sexism. Right? 0:05:02.235,0:05:03.811 Not exactly. 0:05:03.835,0:05:06.955 What happens instead[br]is a different kind of objectification. 0:05:07.755,0:05:10.011 In my efforts to explain this to others, 0:05:10.035,0:05:13.811 one conversation[br]led to the Venus of Willendorf, 0:05:13.835,0:05:18.651 a Paleolithic figurine scholars assumed[br]was a goddess of love and beauty, 0:05:18.675,0:05:20.115 hence the name Venus. 0:05:20.515,0:05:22.651 This theory was later revised, though, 0:05:22.675,0:05:26.371 when scholars noted[br]the sculptor's obvious focus 0:05:26.395,0:05:29.811 on the figurine's reproductive features: 0:05:29.835,0:05:33.091 large breasts,[br]considered ideal for nursing; 0:05:33.115,0:05:35.731 a round, possibly pregnant belly; 0:05:35.755,0:05:39.235 the remnants of red dye,[br]alluding to menstruation or birth. 0:05:40.555,0:05:44.090 They also assumed that she was[br]meant to be held or placed lying down 0:05:44.114,0:05:48.491 because her tiny feet[br]don't allow her to be freestanding. 0:05:48.515,0:05:49.995 She also had no face. 0:05:50.795,0:05:54.891 For this reason, it was assumed[br]that she was a representation of fertility 0:05:54.915,0:05:57.771 and not a portrait of a person. 0:05:57.795,0:05:59.075 She was an object. 0:05:59.675,0:06:01.491 In the history of her interpretation, 0:06:01.515,0:06:04.651 she went from object[br]of ideal beauty and love 0:06:04.675,0:06:06.515 to object of reproduction. 0:06:07.355,0:06:09.811 I think this transition speaks more 0:06:09.835,0:06:13.611 about the scholars[br]who have interpreted her purpose 0:06:13.635,0:06:17.635 than the actual purpose[br]of the figurine herself. 0:06:18.355,0:06:20.451 When a woman becomes pregnant, 0:06:20.475,0:06:24.211 she leaves the realm[br]of men's sexual desire 0:06:24.235,0:06:28.811 and slides into her reproductive[br]and child-rearing role. 0:06:28.835,0:06:31.451 In doing so, she also becomes 0:06:31.475,0:06:33.251 the property of the community, 0:06:33.275,0:06:37.755 considered very important[br]but only because she's pregnant. Right? 0:06:38.315,0:06:40.811 I've taken to calling this[br]the Willendorf effect, 0:06:40.835,0:06:44.515 and once again we see it reinforced[br]in many aspects of her life. 0:06:45.218,0:06:47.731 Has anyone here[br]ever been visibly pregnant? 0:06:47.755,0:06:48.971 (Laughter) 0:06:48.995,0:06:50.251 Yeah. Lots of you, right? 0:06:50.275,0:06:54.411 So how many of you ever had a stranger[br]touch your belly during pregnancy, 0:06:54.435,0:06:57.771 maybe without even asking[br]your permission first? 0:06:57.795,0:07:00.531 Or told what you can and cannot eat 0:07:00.555,0:07:04.171 by somebody who is not your doctor,[br]your medical care provider? 0:07:04.195,0:07:07.115 Or asked private questions[br]about your birth plan? 0:07:08.075,0:07:10.875 And then told why[br]those choices are all wrong? 0:07:11.555,0:07:12.771 Yeah, me too. 0:07:12.795,0:07:17.051 Or had a server refuse[br]to bring you a glass of wine? 0:07:17.075,0:07:19.811 This one might give you pause,[br]I know, but stay with me. 0:07:19.835,0:07:21.931 This is a huge secret. 0:07:21.955,0:07:25.875 It is actually safe to drink[br]in moderation during pregnancy. 0:07:26.515,0:07:28.051 Many of us don't know this 0:07:28.075,0:07:31.811 because doctors don't trust[br]pregnant women with this secret -- 0:07:31.835,0:07:33.595 (Laughter) 0:07:37.355,0:07:41.611 especially if she's less educated[br]or a woman of color. 0:07:41.635,0:07:43.371 What this tells us is, 0:07:43.395,0:07:47.611 this Willendorf effect,[br]it's also classist and racist. 0:07:47.635,0:07:53.531 It's present when[br]the government reminds women 0:07:53.555,0:07:56.211 with every new anti-choice bill 0:07:56.235,0:07:59.091 that the contents of her uterus[br]are not her own, 0:07:59.115,0:08:01.171 or when an ob-gyn says, 0:08:01.195,0:08:03.491 "While it's safe[br]to have sex during pregnancy, 0:08:03.515,0:08:04.851 sometimes you never know. 0:08:04.875,0:08:06.515 Better safe than sorry, right?" 0:08:07.395,0:08:11.651 She's denied basic privacy[br]and bodily autonomy 0:08:11.675,0:08:13.675 under the guise of "be a good mother." 0:08:14.155,0:08:16.595 We don't trust her[br]to make her own decisions. 0:08:17.115,0:08:18.715 She's cute, remember? 0:08:21.795,0:08:24.091 When we tell women 0:08:24.115,0:08:27.051 that sexual pleasure -- excuse me. 0:08:27.075,0:08:31.891 When we tell women that sex[br]isn't worth the risk during pregnancy, 0:08:31.915,0:08:36.171 what we're telling her is that[br]her sexual pleasure doesn't matter. 0:08:36.195,0:08:39.491 So what we are telling her[br]is that she in fact doesn't matter, 0:08:39.515,0:08:44.235 even though the needs of her fetus[br]are not at odds with her own needs. 0:08:45.195,0:08:47.451 So medical providers, 0:08:47.475,0:08:50.451 such as the American College[br]of Obstetricians and Gynecologists 0:08:50.475,0:08:55.371 have the opportunity to educate[br]about the safety of sex during pregnancy. 0:08:55.395,0:08:56.795 So what do the experts say? 0:08:57.755,0:09:00.251 ACOG actually has[br]no public official statement 0:09:00.275,0:09:03.435 about the safety of sex during pregnancy. 0:09:04.078,0:09:07.091 Guidance from the Mayo Clinic[br]is generally positive 0:09:07.115,0:09:09.611 but presented with a caveat: 0:09:09.635,0:09:12.786 "Although most women can safely[br]have sex throughout pregnancy, 0:09:12.810,0:09:14.931 sometimes it's best to be cautious." 0:09:14.955,0:09:18.051 Some women don't want[br]to have sex during pregnancy, 0:09:18.075,0:09:19.331 and that's OK. 0:09:19.355,0:09:21.971 Some women do want[br]to have sex during pregnancy, 0:09:21.995,0:09:23.411 and that's OK, too. 0:09:23.435,0:09:26.091 What needs to stop[br]is society telling women 0:09:26.115,0:09:28.435 what they can and cannot do[br]with their bodies. 0:09:29.475,0:09:31.595 (Applause) 0:09:36.035,0:09:40.691 Pregnant women are not faceless,[br]identity-less vessels of reproduction 0:09:40.715,0:09:42.835 who can't stand on their own two feet. 0:09:44.115,0:09:46.531 But the truth is, the real secret is, 0:09:46.555,0:09:50.811 we tell all women that[br]their sexual pleasure doesn't matter. 0:09:50.835,0:09:54.051 We refuse to even acknowledge[br]that women who have sex with women 0:09:54.075,0:09:56.395 or women who don't[br]want children even exist. 0:09:56.835,0:09:58.531 "Oh, it's just a phase ... 0:09:58.555,0:10:00.875 she just needs the right man[br]to come along." 0:10:02.155,0:10:04.491 Every time a women has sex 0:10:04.515,0:10:06.491 simply because it feels good, 0:10:06.515,0:10:08.251 it is revolutionary. 0:10:08.275,0:10:10.451 She is revolutionary. 0:10:10.475,0:10:13.051 She is pushing back[br]against society's insistence 0:10:13.075,0:10:15.291 that she exist simply for men's pleasure 0:10:15.315,0:10:16.635 or for reproduction. 0:10:18.435,0:10:22.411 A woman who prioritizes[br]her sexual needs is scary, 0:10:22.435,0:10:27.571 because a woman who prioritizes[br]her sexual needs prioritizes herself. 0:10:27.595,0:10:31.371 (Applause) 0:10:31.395,0:10:35.811 That is a woman demanding[br]that she be treated as an equal. 0:10:35.835,0:10:37.371 That is a woman who insists 0:10:37.395,0:10:40.731 that you make room for her[br]at the table of power, 0:10:40.755,0:10:42.651 and that is the most terrifying of all 0:10:42.675,0:10:45.491 because we can't make room for her 0:10:45.515,0:10:49.035 without some of us giving up[br]the extra space we hold. 0:10:50.835,0:10:53.035 (Applause) 0:10:56.475,0:10:58.115 I have one last secret for you. 0:10:58.955,0:11:00.811 I am the mother of two boys 0:11:00.835,0:11:02.835 and we could use your help. 0:11:03.315,0:11:08.011 Even though my boys hear me say regularly 0:11:08.035,0:11:11.571 that it's important for men[br]to recognize women as equals 0:11:11.595,0:11:14.131 and they see their father modeling this, 0:11:14.155,0:11:18.275 we need what happens in the world[br]to reinforce what happens in our home. 0:11:18.595,0:11:21.891 This is not a men's problem[br]or a women's problem. 0:11:21.915,0:11:23.491 This is everyone's problem, 0:11:23.515,0:11:27.915 and we all play a role[br]in dismantling systems of inequality. 0:11:28.515,0:11:31.131 For starters, we have got[br]to stop telling women 0:11:31.155,0:11:33.571 what they can and cannot do[br]with their bodies. 0:11:33.595,0:11:36.635 (Applause) 0:11:38.235,0:11:42.131 This includes not treating pregnant women[br]like community property. 0:11:42.155,0:11:45.851 If you don't know her,[br]don't even ask to touch her belly. 0:11:45.875,0:11:47.571 You wouldn't anybody else. 0:11:47.595,0:11:49.731 Don't tell her[br]what she can and cannot eat. 0:11:49.755,0:11:52.771 Don't ask her private details[br]about her medical decisions. 0:11:52.795,0:11:54.691 This also includes understanding 0:11:54.715,0:11:57.291 that even if you are[br]personally against abortion, 0:11:57.315,0:11:59.995 you can still fight[br]for a woman's right to choose. 0:12:00.515,0:12:04.275 When it comes to women's equality,[br]the two need not oppose one another. 0:12:04.995,0:12:07.251 If you're somebody who has sex with women, 0:12:07.275,0:12:08.771 prioritize her pleasure. 0:12:08.795,0:12:11.195 If you don't know how, ask. 0:12:12.075,0:12:13.571 If you have children -- 0:12:13.595,0:12:15.531 (Laughter) 0:12:15.555,0:12:19.331 have conversations about sex[br]as early as possible, 0:12:19.355,0:12:23.731 because kids don't look up s-e-x[br]in the dictionary anymore. 0:12:23.755,0:12:25.395 They look it up on the internet. 0:12:26.355,0:12:29.035 And when you're having[br]those conversations about sex, 0:12:29.795,0:12:31.731 don't center them on reproduction only. 0:12:31.755,0:12:33.411 People have sex for many reasons, 0:12:33.435,0:12:35.211 some because they want a baby, 0:12:35.235,0:12:38.171 but most of us have sex[br]because it feels good. 0:12:38.195,0:12:39.395 Admit it. 0:12:40.795,0:12:43.371 And regardless of whether[br]you have children or not, 0:12:43.395,0:12:47.651 support comprehensive sex education[br]that doesn't shame our teenagers. 0:12:47.675,0:12:50.355 (Applause) 0:12:56.155,0:12:58.731 Nothing positive comes from shaming teens 0:12:58.755,0:13:01.355 for their sexual desires, behaviors, 0:13:02.155,0:13:05.635 other than positive STD[br]and pregnancy tests. 0:13:06.635,0:13:09.691 Every single day,[br]we are all given the opportunity 0:13:09.715,0:13:12.435 to disrupt patterns of inequality. 0:13:12.995,0:13:16.475 I think we can all agree[br]that it's worth the trouble to do so. 0:13:17.235,0:13:18.451 Thank you. 0:13:18.475,0:13:25.431 (Applause)