WEBVTT

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Four years ago, a cup of mocha 
changed my life.

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Let me take you back
to when I was just 17 years old.

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I had just won a trophy
at a major bikini fitness competition,

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one of the largest in the country.

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This was me.

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I prepared for this competition 
for six months;

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I worked out every single day;

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I dieted hardcore;

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and I thought that revolving
my life around fitness

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would help fix my
poor-body image struggles,

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but it only made things worse.

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While everybody was telling me
how great I looked,

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how fit I was,

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how dedicated I was,

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my mental health was just falling apart,

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and I was obsessed with anything
that went in my mouth

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that was not on my diet,

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even if it was just a handful of almonds.

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What nobody knew

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was that behind this perfect bikini body

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was a broken girl

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that was completely obsessed
with her weight.

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Have you ever been in this position?

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Have you ever been obsessed 
with your weight

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or how your body looks in general?

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Unfortunately, too many of us
struggle with not liking how we look.

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Some of us go to extremes, like I did,

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and some of us want
to change a few things:

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a little tighter here,
a little smoother there,

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a lot thinner everywhere,

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but not too thin of course because curves,

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curves are in, ladies and gentlemen,

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but only here and here,
but nowhere in between.

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(Laughter)

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So, flash forward to a few months
after this bikini competition,

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I get a mid afternoon text from my mom:

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"Want to meet for coffee at 12?" she asks.

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"Sure, I'll be there soon", I replied.

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And as I'm driving to go meet her,

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I get another text from her;

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it says: "Sitting outside.
I got you a mocha."

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A mocha? A mocha! How could she?

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The calories, the sugars, the dairy!

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Didn't she know that I was on a diet?!

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I'm driving, I'm so angry,
and as I pull up to the café,

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my mom, who's sitting outside, 
she sees my crying,

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runs over to my car door,
tries to open it,

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but I wouldn't let her in.

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"No mom, I just can't believe
you'd get me a freaking mocha,"

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I screamed as I closed the door
and drove away,

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feeling instantly ashamed
at how I just lashed out on her.

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As I'm driving,

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I'm having one of those
ugly cry moments,

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you know, it's like what Oprah refers to,

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when you're crying so hard
you can't breath,

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you got snot coming out of your nose.

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It's not pretty like the movies!
It's really ugly.

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That was me in that moment.

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And at this rock bottom,
I get another text from my mom.

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It says this - that's the real text -

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[I just want you to know
that I love you very much..

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I am here for you anytime you need me]

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As I read the words
on the screen, I paused.

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I finally stopped crying.

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I took a deep breath,

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so relieved that she had
already forgiven me.

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And I let myself feel her love,

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because my mom loved me
when I couldn't love myself.

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In this moment, I also realized
that my body image struggles

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robbed me of so many
of life's beautiful experiences.

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I mean, what should've been 
a lovely coffee date

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with one of my favorite people

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turned in to an absolute disaster

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because of my fears about food.

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My body image took away 
from so much of me,

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and I missed out on so much of my life

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because I was too busy hating myself.

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Have you ever felt like
you missed out on your life?

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Maybe you didn't go to the pool party

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because you don't want
to get in a swimsuit.

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Or if you did go, you didn't take
your clothes off to go in the water,

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because you don't want people to see you.

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Or you spent the party
obsessing over the calories in the cookie

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instead of spending it connecting
with your friends and loved ones.

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I've been there one too many times.

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I mean, I missed out on the little things,

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like baking cookies
with my little sister -

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she's in the audience right now.

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And I missed out on the big things,
like my graduation parties,

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where I was too scared of the calories
in the cookies, so I didn't go.

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And also my grandfather's 
70th birthday party,

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where my grandma had cooked
all of this delicious food,

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and I refused to have a single bite 
because I was on a diet.

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And we usually use this term "body image"
quite a bit, but what does it mean?

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We usually use "body image" to describe
how we feel about ourselves,

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particularly our bodies,

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and because of rising concerns
and negative body image struggles,

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a lot of people have tried to help
girls and women especially

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feel more positively
about their body image.

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This idea of body positivity
has become really popular lately.

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"Let's all feel really good 
about our bodies and how we look" -

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which is great;

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it's definitely a step forward -

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but what if all this hyper-focus
on our body's image,

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whether it's positive or negative,

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is actually what's causing
all the insecurities, discomforts

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and lack of confidence 
in our bodies in the first place?

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I mean, we already live
in such an image driven society.

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Somebody even called 
our generation "The selfie culture."

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So, not only do we see our own image
reflected back to us in the mirror

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when we are getting ready in the morning,

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but we also see our image in a selfie -

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if you happen to be into that -

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but if not, you also see
everybody else's selfie,

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and usually it's their perfect,
picture-perfect selfie,

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on social media every single day.

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I mean, It's no wonder that 96% of women

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report feeling unhappy with their bodies
or wanting to change something.

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96%!

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96% of us struggle with body image.

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But our bodies,
our bodies are not an image.

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They're an experience,
and they're a beautiful experience.

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So we cannot keep letting our body image
ruin our life experience.

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That afternoon, after getting 
that loving text from my mom,

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I realized the true cause 
of my obsession with my body image:

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missing out on my life.

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And I also made a decision 
to change my life.

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I made a decision to not only heal
my own body image struggles

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by actually not focusing on my image
and instead just living my life,

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and I also made a commitment

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to help any women who's ever hated herself
shift her focus and change her life.

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Actually, I have an exercise for you

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that is a simple three-step process

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that's scientifically proven
to help you do just that:

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shift your focus and get out
of those negative thought patterns

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anytime you're feeling
not good about yourself.

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So the first step.

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First, you're going to pause -

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just like I did when I got this text -

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pause and face what you're feeling.

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I mean, it's so easy
to deflect and push away

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and try to avoid the situation.

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How many of us stay busy 
just to avoid what we're feeling?

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So guilty.

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(Laughter)

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But the difficult thing to do is to pause.

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Next, breathe -

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and this part is really important -

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as you breathe,

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focus you energy and attention
to the area around your heart.

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This is going to help 
shift your focus from your mind,

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from those negative thought patterns,

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to your heart,

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towards unconditional love for yourself.

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So as you breathe, just picture sending 
all that energy to your heart space.

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And lastly, let yourself feel the love.

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And notice how I said "let yourself"

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because a lot of us, we say,
"Just love yourself!"

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But that's a lot easier said than done.

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You first have to give yourself permission
to feel your own love.

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And give yourself some compassion.

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Think of at least one thing

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that you can appreciate or you love
about your body or yourself in general.

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Talk to yourself as if you're 
your own mom or best friend.

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Pause, breathe, 
and let yourself feel the love.

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Actually, let's all do this together.

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Not to put you on the spot or anything,

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but wherever you're at,
just straighten up a little bit.

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(Inhales deeply)

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And now pause right here with me.

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Take this moment for yourself.

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Now, take a deep breath

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(Inhales deeply)

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and as you breathe,

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(Exhales)

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picture sending all that loving energy
to this area around your heart.

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And now let yourself feel the love,

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and think of one thing that you
can appreciate about yourself right now.

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How did that feel?

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So the next time you don't feel 
so good about yourself -

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maybe you don't like
how you look that day,

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or your hair is not cooperating with you,

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or you're just struggling
with self-worth in general -

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remember to pause, breathe
and let yourself feel the love.

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Because in doing so,

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you will turn those lowest moments
into your greatest strength.

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In fact, I was actually preparing
for this exact talk,

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at that same café,

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while happily sipping my mocha.

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(Applause)