0:00:00.000,0:00:04.204 You know what's amazing to me? You can name your kid anything you want. Isn't that incredible? 0:00:04.204,0:00:10.210 There are no laws...There should be a couple of laws. 0:00:10.210,0:00:12.790 None. You can literally name your kid anything. 0:00:12.805,0:00:22.222 You can name your kid a name with no vowels, if you want, like, PNSNDLTN DPTHFFF. 0:00:22.222,0:00:24.291 Just 40 F's, that's his name. 0:00:24.291,0:00:28.654 FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF 0:00:28.654,0:00:32.366 Go clean your room. 0:00:32.366,0:00:36.370 I'd like to name my kind a whole phrase, you know, something like, "Ladies and Gentlemen". 0:00:36.370,0:00:40.974 That would be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen." 0:00:45.636,0:00:49.116 Then when he gets out of hand, I get to say, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!" 0:00:53.501,0:00:57.457 But you've got to be careful what you name your kid. You do have to be careful, because what happens is, 0:00:57.457,0:01:00.661 other kids in school are going to make fun of them. They are going to make fun of their name. 0:01:00.661,0:01:03.931 And you don't have to give them a weird name, because they can do it with any name, 0:01:03.931,0:01:05.599 Kids are geniuses at that! 0:01:05.599,0:01:08.869 Any name, they take it, they go, Louis-screwy, Joey-Blowy, 0:01:08.869,0:01:14.341 Mike, your mother's a dyke...whatever, they find a way, these kids. 0:01:14.341,0:01:18.011 Any name...What's your name? Eric...you fucking asshole! 0:01:18.011,0:01:20.147 See, just like that! 0:01:20.147,0:01:24.284 Lightning speed, these kids got. What's your name? 0:01:24.284,0:01:29.489 Joe? Eat a bag of shit, cuntface. You see? Just like that. 0:01:29.489,0:01:35.295 My daughter is really something else, man. She runs the house. She runs the whole house. She decides 0:01:35.295,0:01:40.968 everything. Like, we were playing hide and seek the other day. We play hide and seek, and we play by her rules. 0:01:40.968,0:01:47.307 That she invented. And do you know why? Because she sucks at hide and seek. And so she covers it with 0:01:47.307,0:01:50.711 this fucking ruse, to level the playing field. 0:01:50.711,0:01:55.214 And I've got to fucking pretend it's all...that she's great. 0:01:55.798,0:01:58.745 No! It's bullshit! Like, we're playing... 0:01:58.807,0:02:03.190 No! fuckin'...I know she's a kid, but fucking listen. 0:02:06.175,0:02:12.199 When it's my turn to hide, she tells me where to hide! She tells me where. 0:02:12.199,0:02:14.401 She goes, "Hide in the closet, Poppa." "But you're going to know where..." "HIDE IN THE CLOSET!" 0:02:14.401,0:02:24.077 "Alright fuck, I'll hide in the closet. Good. Fine." Now I'm standing in the closet like an asshole. 0:02:24.077,0:02:27.639 She comes in, "I found you!" - she's like shitty about it - "I found you!" 0:02:27.639,0:02:35.080 And I'm like, "WOOOW, how did you figure out where you told me to fucking hide?" 0:02:40.633,0:02:46.500 And then when she hides...this is her hiding. She goes over to a wall, and does this. She goes... 0:02:47.491,0:02:58.912 That's it! There's nothing here! What the fuck is this? Like this is some ninja invisibility crouch. 0:03:00.281,0:03:05.452 And I gotta act like an idiot. I can't just walk in and go, "Yeah. You're there." Cuz she'll cry, 0:03:05.452,0:03:09.189 and shit her pants, right? So I gotta walk around like an asshole. 0:03:09.189,0:03:19.121 "Where is she? I have no idea. Where could she be?" - I'm making eye contact! - "I don't see her!" 0:03:21.321,0:03:26.206 It's amazing to me. The other day, we were playing...this is how things have gotten in my house. 0:03:26.206,0:03:30.277 Okay, here's a very good example of where it's gone. We're playing a version of hide and seek where 0:03:30.277,0:03:34.548 my wife and I have to decide together where to look. She likes that. She's like "Mama, you tell Poppa 0:03:34.548,0:03:40.554 where to look." Okay. Fine. Ok, she's over there hiding like this, just in plain sght, and my wife and I... 0:03:40.554,0:03:49.363 And my wife's like, "Why don't you look under the bed?" I'm like, "Okay, I'll look...she's not there!" 0:03:49.363,0:03:54.501 Then she says, "Why don't you look in the linen closet?" "Okay." So I open the closet, 0:03:54.501,0:03:58.438 She goes, "That's not the linen closet! We don't put that in there anym..." "Alright, fuckin' Jesus, 0:03:58.438,0:04:00.754 Alright, I'll look in..." So I look in... 0:04:00.754,0:04:04.645 "Why would she be in that closet? That closet has shelves. She can't stand in a shelf" 0:04:04.645,0:04:09.249 "Well maybe she crawled in a shelf"...Now we're having a fight about where to look for this fuckin' kid 0:04:09.249,0:04:11.652 who's standing right there! 0:04:15.375,0:04:21.261 She totally runs the house. I remember at Halloween, last year, couple of days before Halloween, 0:04:21.261,0:04:24.198 my wife comes up to me and goes, like, "We have to get you a cat costume!" 0:04:26.044,0:04:30.070 "No...No, we don't, actually" 0:04:30.070,0:04:32.673 "No! We do! Because she thinks you're going to be a cat! I don't..." 0:04:32.673,0:04:36.343 - It's like she's got a...she's a guy with a gun in the other room, that's what it's like. - 0:04:36.343,0:04:41.014 "She thinks you're going to be a cat! I don't know how she got it in her head, but she's expecting you 0:04:41.014,0:04:45.152 to be a cat on Halloween." 0:04:45.152,0:04:51.225 I was like, "Well, go tell her to go fuck herself, because I'm not doing it." I'm not afraid of her. 0:04:51.225,0:04:58.565 She's two! I'll fucking fight her. I can take her! I could beat the shit out of thousands of two-year-olds 0:04:58.565,0:05:01.137 all day! Just walk around... 0:05:02.769,0:05:08.575 They would never even gang up on me, they suck! I'm not afraid of her. 0:05:08.575,0:05:13.914 So my wife decided that she wanted to get pregnant again. She decided it. And this was back in August 0:05:13.914,0:05:20.625 she told me, "You need to be in town next week." "Why?" "Because, I'm getting...because I'm ovulating." 0:05:20.640,0:05:25.325 Not, "Do you want another kid?" just "Be in town." That's how she handles it. 0:05:25.325,0:05:28.529 I'm like, "I'm not gonna...I don't want another kid, so fuck it " She's like, "Alright." 0:05:28.529,0:05:33.867 The next week, she starts blowing me, right? Now, she hasn't blown me in...Jesus...I don't know if I've ever 0:05:33.867,0:05:40.073 BEEN blown, that's how long it is. She's blowing me on the day she's ovulating, I'm a fucking idiot. 0:05:40.073,0:05:43.436 I'm like, "Yeah, you love it!" Like, I think she digs me now. 0:05:48.144,0:05:50.328 Fuckin' stupid! 0:05:51.470,0:05:55.289 So she's having another baby any day now, she's due, and uh...it's true! 0:05:55.289,0:06:04.231 She's fucking...fuckin'...the whole thing...I'm like ummhmmmhmm...huh, okay...no, no, it's great! [chuckle] 0:06:04.231,0:06:06.166 Fuck it. Fuck it! 0:06:06.166,0:06:10.370 That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "We love each other" it's fuck it, man... 0:06:10.370,0:06:18.531 Fuck it!...Fuck it!...Another kid? Fuck it. Why not, let 'em all in. Good. Fuck it. 0:06:20.208,0:06:27.588 Here's the thing. I never, never, never, never judge other parents now. I never do. I used to. But I never do. 0:06:27.588,0:06:30.724 Like, you know when you see a mother in a McDonalds, or someplace, or in a toy store, and she's just 0:06:30.724,0:06:34.903 melting down on her kid, she's like "Shut up! I hate you! You're ugly!" 0:06:36.210,0:06:40.200 And people are standing around going, "Oh my goodness! She's a horrible mother!" 0:06:40.200,0:06:45.672 Well guess what, those people aren't fucking parents. They don't have kids. Because any parents who 0:06:45.672,0:06:49.974 are in that store are thinking, "What did that shitty kid do to that poor woman?" 0:06:53.144,0:06:58.183 That poor woman, I wish I could help. 0:06:58.183,0:07:03.290 Because you don't know, man, you don't know. Or like when you see a parent that seems to be negligent, 0:07:03.290,0:07:09.697 like you see a parent in McDonalds with the kid, and the parent's like, "I can't take this shit anymore." Just collapsed, 0:07:09.697,0:07:14.902 and all the shopping bags are just strewn every where. And the kid's happy! The kid's eating french fries. 0:07:14.902,0:07:18.105 And the kid asks a question, like, "Mama, why is the sky blue?" 0:07:18.105,0:07:21.508 And she's like, "Just shut up and eat your french fries." 0:07:21.508,0:07:26.246 And you think, "What a terrible mother! Why doesn't she answer her child?" 0:07:26.246,0:07:31.251 "When I have a child, I will answer all of their questions! 0:07:31.251,0:07:35.322 And open their minds to the wonders of the world!" 0:07:35.322,0:07:40.260 Well guess what? You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You can't answer a kid's question. 0:07:40.260,0:07:43.797 They don't accept any answer. A kid never goes, "Oh, thanks, I get it." 0:07:43.797,0:07:49.418 They fucking never say that! They just keep coming, more questions, why? why? why? Until you don't even 0:07:49.418,0:07:52.139 know who the fuck you are anymore at the end of the conversation. 0:07:52.139,0:07:55.075 It's an insane deconstruction...It's ama.. 0:07:55.075,0:07:58.412 This is my daughter the other day. "Poppa, why can't we go outside?" 0:07:58.412,0:08:05.886 "Well, cuz it's raining." "Why?"...."Well, water's coming out of the sky." "Why?" 0:08:05.886,0:08:15.362 Because it was in a cloud. "Why?" Well, clouds...form...when there's...vapor. 0:08:19.839,0:08:29.130 "Why?" I don't know. I don't know any more things. Those are all the things I know. 0:08:33.509,0:08:35.955 "Why?" 0:08:38.252,0:08:41.788 Because I'm stupid, okay? I'm stupid. 0:08:41.788,0:08:43.190 "Why?" 0:08:43.190,0:08:47.661 Well because I didn't pay attention in school. I went to school, but I didn't listen in class. 0:08:47.661,0:08:48.795 "Why?" 0:08:48.795,0:08:50.864 Because I was high all the time. I smoked too much pot. 0:08:53.126,0:08:54.801 "Why?" 0:08:54.801,0:08:57.337 Because my parents gave me go guidance, they didn't give a shit. "Why?" 0:08:57.337,0:09:02.676 Because they fucked in a car and had me and they resented me for taking their youth. "Why?" 0:09:02.676,0:09:06.280 Because they had bad morals, they just had no compass. "Why?" 0:09:06.280,0:09:08.749 Because they had bad parents...it just keeps going like that. "Why?" 0:09:08.749,0:09:12.553 Because, fuck it, we're alone in the universe. Nobody gives a shit about us. 0:09:13.122,0:09:19.159 I'm going to stop here to be polite to you for a second. But this goes on for hours and hours and it 0:09:19.159,0:09:21.490 gets so weird and abstract...at the end it's like, "Why?" 0:09:21.490,0:09:24.390 Well, because some things are, and some things are not. 0:09:26.590,0:09:31.171 "Why?" Well because things that are not can't be! 0:09:34.309,0:09:40.950 "Why?" Because then nothing wouldn't be! You can't have fuckin' nothing isn't! Everything is! 0:09:42.308,0:09:46.186 "Why?" Because if nothing wasn't, there'd be fucking all kinds of shit that we don't...like giant ants 0:09:46.186,0:09:51.191 with tophats dancing around. There's no room for all that shit! "Why?" 0:09:51.191,0:09:55.796 Aww fuck you! Eat your french fries you little shit, goddammit. 0:09:55.796,9:59:59.000 Thank you very much everybody, goodnight.