You know what's amazing to me? You can name your kid anything you want. Isn't that incredible?
There are no laws...There should be a couple of laws.
None. You can literally name your kid anything.
You can name your kid a name with no vowels, if you want, like, PNSNDLTN DPTHFFF.
Just 40 F's, that's his name.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Go clean your room.
I'd like to name my kind a whole phrase, you know, something like, "Ladies and Gentlemen".
That would be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen."
Then when he gets out of hand, I get to say, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"
But you've got to be careful what you name your kid. You do have to be careful, because what happens is,
other kids in school are going to make fun of them. They are going to make fun of their name.
And you don't have to give them a weird name, because they can do it with any name,
Kids are geniuses at that!
Any name, they take it, they go, Louis-screwy, Joey-Blowy,
Mike, your mother's a dyke...whatever, they find a way, these kids.
Any name...What's your name? Eric...you fucking asshole!
See, just like that!
Lightning speed, these kids got. What's your name?
Joe? Eat a bag of shit, cuntface. You see? Just like that.
My daughter is really something else, man. She runs the house. She runs the whole house. She decides
everything. Like, we were playing hide and seek the other day. We play hide and seek, and we play by her rules.
That she invented. And do you know why? Because she sucks at hide and seek. And so she covers it with
this fucking ruse, to level the playing field.
And I've got to fucking pretend it's all...that she's great.
No! It's bullshit! Like, we're playing...
No! fuckin'...I know she's a kid, but fucking listen.
When it's my turn to hide, she tells me where to hide! She tells me where.
She goes, "Hide in the closet, Poppa." "But you're going to know where..." "HIDE IN THE CLOSET!"
"Alright fuck, I'll hide in the closet. Good. Fine." Now I'm standing in the closet like an asshole.
She comes in, "I found you!" - she's like shitty about it - "I found you!"
And I'm like, "WOOOW, how did you figure out where you told me to fucking hide?"
And then when she hides...this is her hiding. She goes over to a wall, and does this. She goes...
That's it! There's nothing here! What the fuck is this? Like this is some ninja invisibility crouch.
And I gotta act like an idiot. I can't just walk in and go, "Yeah. You're there." Cuz she'll cry,
and shit her pants, right? So I gotta walk around like an asshole.
"Where is she? I have no idea. Where could she be?" - I'm making eye contact! - "I don't see her!"
It's amazing to me. The other day, we were playing...this is how things have gotten in my house.
Okay, here's a very good example of where it's gone. We're playing a version of hide and seek where
my wife and I have to decide together where to look. She likes that. She's like "Mama, you tell Poppa
where to look." Okay. Fine. Ok, she's over there hiding like this, just in plain sght, and my wife and I...
And my wife's like, "Why don't you look under the bed?" I'm like, "Okay, I'll look...she's not there!"
Then she says, "Why don't you look in the linen closet?" "Okay." So I open the closet,
She goes, "That's not the linen closet! We don't put that in there anym..." "Alright, fuckin' Jesus,
Alright, I'll look in..." So I look in...
"Why would she be in that closet? That closet has shelves. She can't stand in a shelf"
"Well maybe she crawled in a shelf"...Now we're having a fight about where to look for this fuckin' kid
who's standing right there!
She totally runs the house. I remember at Halloween, last year, couple of days before Halloween,
my wife comes up to me and goes, like, "We have to get you a cat costume!"
"No...No, we don't, actually"
"No! We do! Because she thinks you're going to be a cat! I don't..."
- It's like she's got a...she's a guy with a gun in the other room, that's what it's like. -
"She thinks you're going to be a cat! I don't know how she got it in her head, but she's expecting you
to be a cat on Halloween."
I was like, "Well, go tell her to go fuck herself, because I'm not doing it." I'm not afraid of her.
She's two! I'll fucking fight her. I can take her! I could beat the shit out of thousands of two-year-olds
all day! Just walk around...
They would never even gang up on me, they suck! I'm not afraid of her.
So my wife decided that she wanted to get pregnant again. She decided it. And this was back in August
she told me, "You need to be in town next week." "Why?" "Because, I'm getting...because I'm ovulating."
Not, "Do you want another kid?" just "Be in town." That's how she handles it.
I'm like, "I'm not gonna...I don't want another kid, so fuck it " She's like, "Alright."
The next week, she starts blowing me, right? Now, she hasn't blown me in...Jesus...I don't know if I've ever
BEEN blown, that's how long it is. She's blowing me on the day she's ovulating, I'm a fucking idiot.
I'm like, "Yeah, you love it!" Like, I think she digs me now.
Fuckin' stupid!
So she's having another baby any day now, she's due, and uh...it's true!
She's fucking...fuckin'...the whole thing...I'm like ummhmmmhmm...huh, okay...no, no, it's great! [chuckle]
Fuck it. Fuck it!
That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "We love each other" it's fuck it, man...
Fuck it!...Fuck it!...Another kid? Fuck it. Why not, let 'em all in. Good. Fuck it.
Here's the thing. I never, never, never, never judge other parents now. I never do. I used to. But I never do.
Like, you know when you see a mother in a McDonalds, or someplace, or in a toy store, and she's just
melting down on her kid, she's like "Shut up! I hate you! You're ugly!"
And people are standing around going, "Oh my goodness! She's a horrible mother!"
Well guess what, those people aren't fucking parents. They don't have kids. Because any parents who
are in that store are thinking, "What did that shitty kid do to that poor woman?"
That poor woman, I wish I could help.
Because you don't know, man, you don't know. Or like when you see a parent that seems to be negligent,
like you see a parent in McDonalds with the kid, and the parent's like, "I can't take this shit anymore." Just collapsed,
and all the shopping bags are just strewn every where. And the kid's happy! The kid's eating french fries.
And the kid asks a question, like, "Mama, why is the sky blue?"
And she's like, "Just shut up and eat your french fries."
And you think, "What a terrible mother! Why doesn't she answer her child?"
"When I have a child, I will answer all of their questions!
And open their minds to the wonders of the world!"
Well guess what? You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You can't answer a kid's question.
They don't accept any answer. A kid never goes, "Oh, thanks, I get it."
They fucking never say that! They just keep coming, more questions, why? why? why? Until you don't even
know who the fuck you are anymore at the end of the conversation.
It's an insane deconstruction...It's ama..
This is my daughter the other day. "Poppa, why can't we go outside?"
"Well, cuz it's raining." "Why?"...."Well, water's coming out of the sky." "Why?"
Because it was in a cloud. "Why?" Well, clouds...form...when there's...vapor.
"Why?" I don't know. I don't know any more things. Those are all the things I know.
"Why?"
Because I'm stupid, okay? I'm stupid.
"Why?"
Well because I didn't pay attention in school. I went to school, but I didn't listen in class.
"Why?"
Because I was high all the time. I smoked too much pot.
"Why?"
Because my parents gave me go guidance, they didn't give a shit. "Why?"
Because they fucked in a car and had me and they resented me for taking their youth. "Why?"
Because they had bad morals, they just had no compass. "Why?"
Because they had bad parents...it just keeps going like that. "Why?"
Because, fuck it, we're alone in the universe. Nobody gives a shit about us.
I'm going to stop here to be polite to you for a second. But this goes on for hours and hours and it
gets so weird and abstract...at the end it's like, "Why?"
Well, because some things are, and some things are not.
"Why?" Well because things that are not can't be!
"Why?" Because then nothing wouldn't be! You can't have fuckin' nothing isn't! Everything is!
"Why?" Because if nothing wasn't, there'd be fucking all kinds of shit that we don't...like giant ants
with tophats dancing around. There's no room for all that shit! "Why?"
Aww fuck you! Eat your french fries you little shit, goddammit.
Thank you very much everybody, goodnight.