Subtitles by MisterMascolo
Wake up!
And smell the story, zoners.
It's that time of the year again, when legends are ripped,
screaming and bloody, from the womb of glory.
That's just one of the many disgusting ways
we'll be describing the white knuckle action
of VGHS' FPS clan tryouts,
live here in our mobile news studio at Grand Theft Auditorium.
And speaking of legends,
our special guest of today eats legends for brunch.
Hey, Law, hope you grabbed a snack before the match.
Ehm, I did Scott, thank you.
(insincere laughter)
So, Law, we've got 84 students gunning for just
12 JV and Varsity jackets.
Any pro tips for your fellow mouse jockeys
before they get needy for the death?
Well, I don't know about pro tips, but let me tell you something
I once told a promising young newblade.
VGHS is about being the best.
But you can't be the best unless you be yourself.
So before you walk into tryouts today, I want you to dig deep
before you walk through those doors.
I want you to find out what drives you 'cause once you find that out,
once you know what it is to truly game, then nobody can break you.
(sighs) You guys ready to go?
Chiba, Honzo!
- How did you--? - Fished them out of the dumpster.
You didn't think I'd let you actually throw away your gear, did you?
I fixed them for you. They should be fully functional.
And I've added a few...upgrades.
(chuckles) You guys know you're the best friends ever, right?
We are?
Of course we are!
Now let's go play some video games!
(robot) Now we've seen some great action today,
but this final match is the one that everyone is gabbing about.
In the red corner: the leanest, the meanest
FPS-est varsity crew this school has ever seen.
They must have a pretty good captain.
(robot) And in the blue corner, a ragtag group led by Jenny Matrix,
who's fighting to be the first Sophomore ever to make it
onto the VGHS varsity team.
(sporstcaster) Doesn't help that she's down a man
due to Brian D's expulsion.
Yes, we've got you to thank for that, Law.
Look, when a troublemaker like Brian comes into a school--
STFU, Law, It's Brian D!
Noo!
No!
Don't you understand the meaning of the word "expelled", D?
(D) I signed up. I'm still in the system.
The rules say I can play.
Pff, who sold you that load of molineux?
Huh? 'Round here I'm the dungeon keeper, and my rules are in black and white.
Looks like your fable ends here.
I know it does.
It was my dream to play on a VGHS team and I screwed it up.
Yeah, you messed it up bad! Like a failure.
So what are you doing on my battlefield?
This isn't about you and me.
It's not about getting back in.
It's about one last chance to play with the best of the best.
It's about playing the game.
So at the end of the day, Calhoun, it's all about the game.
GG, Brian D.
He plays!
I can't believe that worked.
Check out Brian D's old school gear!
Don't tell me that's the set-up piece he smoked you with,
Law-lipop.
All right, everybody calm down. The game is about to start.
Showin' up late again, huh, Brian?
You never seem to learn, do you?
Rule number one, Ace. Never give up.
(Ace) Rule number 271: Never quote my rules back to me.
Now sit your punk ass down and best of luck to you.
Y'all know the routine. You keep it clean out there.
(Ace) Match begins in thirty seconds
Get busy fraggin' or get busy dyin'.
Countdown!
All right, bring it in.
You should've stayed home, Brian. You're going to ruin it for all of us.
Yeah, you're expelled. You've no chance of making JV.
Hey, I've seen these two cats meow
and it's about to be a fancy feast tonight.
You plan on bringing the thunder?
You know it.
Good enough for me.
Jenny?
Well, now that you've worked out your feelings,
- are you ready to kick some ass?! - Yeah!
We're pinned down on the left!
Fry my circuits! D and Matrix just grabbed the case!
Bust out your butts and put butt bibs on those butts zoners,
because this gumbo is bubble.
Please, grabbing the case is the easy part.
Let's see how these butts do on the long one back.
Hot crawdads, that kid can play.
I hate that kid.
Bullim! Underclassmen draw first blood!
Law, it looks like your ex-girlfriend and arch rival
are really kicking your team's ass.
Jenny Matrix has almost done.
These underclassmen are one point away from the biggest upset
in clan tryout's history.
And that's not all, shotbot. Another round like that,
and Brian D. could actually get back into VGHS.
Now how's that do ya, Law?
He's gone.
He left.
All right, you three left flank. Everyone else with me.
This is it, boys and girls--
THE LAW HAS ENTERED THE GAME!
Wait, The Law?!
Game over, man.
Game all over our faces!
Okay, everybody calm down.
Don't panic. As long as we keep our--
(Law) HEADSHOT!
Law'll ready for this?
Run!
Yowza!
Lesson learned. Hell hath no fury like a Law scorned!
(robot) I know me some ownage, but that's got to be
one of the fastest case grabs I've ever--
Oh great Carmak's ghost!
He scored again!
(robot) Tie game.
You know what that means, Colonel Slanders.
It's time for a sudden death!
Three minutes, no respawns, no mercy.
Ladies and gentlemen, it does not get better than this.
Two incredible stories, one villain of Quakesperian proportions,
and it all comes down to this final play.
Jenny, Brian...
make it a good one.
Everybody, stop! We can still win this thing.
Get real, Matrix. We're donezo.
- The Law is coming-- - For me.
The Law is here because I'm here, so I say let him have me.
You know you're almost back in school, right?
I know.
All right, here's the plan.
LAW! (echoing)
He's mine.
Jenny.
Law.
Awkward!
So...
What's happening, captain?
Should we just shoot each other?
Oh, we could, but that won't get you on Varsity now, would it?
Here's how this is gonna work. You're gonna go grab the intel.
I'm gonna say hi to Brian.
And I'll see you at Varsity practice tomorrow.
You think I'd be caught dead on your team?
Matrix, please.
I should go before people start talking.
Hey, Brian.
Argh.
Argh!
Jenny just shot me in the back.
Oh wait, no.
I'm sorry.
She just stabbed you in the back!
Really, Brian?
Really?
I gotta admire your gumption, kid.
You really want to play this game one last time?
Okay.
But the clock's ticking, so why don't you put that 'nade on your noggin
and we'll put this all "is anybody on Earth better than The Law" issue to bed.
Brian...
do the face.
I'm not the bad guy here. You were nothing and noone
and then you met me and the whole world gave you
a shot and you blew it.
You proved you were nothing.
But surprise!
Here's your pal, The Law, coming here to give you one last chance.
So are you gonna take it? Come on, you've got nothing to lose.
Almost nothing.
Law, ready for that?!
Brian D...
Congratulations!
You're once again the lowest ranked player in VGHS.
Welcome to the team.
Thanks.
I'm sorry about Varsity.
It's okay.
I'm happy with what I've got.
Sorry, that was completely unprofessional.
It's okay.
I am your captain now, though.
Oh, well, it won't happen again.
- Captain... - Good.
That was your first kiss, wasn't it?
And my last, 'cause now I'm going to go die.
No, Brian, it was...
I'm...(laughs)
That was better.
Good...
'cause that was the last one, right?
Yeah.
- I hate this school. - (laughs)
Practice starts tomorrow.
See you there....
captain.
Hey, sorry, DK. I'll catch you later.
Fare thee well, young Theodore, for we drift at daybreak.
Oh, hey,Ted. Turns out your girlfriend
here is quite the rocker. She can learn a thing or two
I'm sure she is, dad. She's pretty awesome at everything.
Ted, you can play cool all you want, but we both know at the end of the day--
Look, it's Brian!
Oh, see you later, pops.
Brian freaking D!
Congratulations, Brian.
I knew you'd make it back!
Roommates forever!
Thanks, guys.
Whoa, you've made your teams!
Yeah, she melted my old man's face off.
Literally.
Oh no, not literally, but I did do very well.
So did Ted.
Put your jacket on. Let's get some victory pizzas!
Pizza sounds great right about now.