[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.29,0:10:55.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Intro music)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A lot of things happened in the past
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then i was born
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then i went to Texas
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to show. (Ho!)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I'd like to tell you a little bit about me
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I grew up in Central New Jersey.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a childhood too.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I liked skateboarding. I found it relaxing and fun!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(That's true!)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then i did some jobs for money.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They were not as fun as the skateboarding. (No!)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I do live comedy shows (Can you handle that?)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes on T.V. (Like right now!)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Get ready to have your ass blown off by me
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,With subtle...subtle (Low energy) Comedy. (Low energy, Ho!)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Crowd cheers) (Hey!)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you audience. Thanks.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thanks for being here for my special.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those are the best claps I'm going to get\Nso I'm going to end on that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh okay, they're saying I should do more, alright.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I saw a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a\Nwhile and I went in to shake his hand,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went in for the handshake.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I went to shake his hand,\Nhe squeezed just the fingers part
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he cut me off
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Making me give him a wussy handshake.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I thought, like, quickly and\NI just went with it, I just went..
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Charmed."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You cut me off, I'll curtsy on your ass.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hate when I go in for a handshake
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm coming in traditional.\NI'm showing you my hand
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then the person comes back here\Nwith like, the fist thing
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then i gotta scramble, like,\Nupgrade, oh we're doing the fist, OK.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because yours is newer I gotta do your thing
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I don't do it I just go like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Paper covers rock bitch.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Best of one!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I thought about, I like rock paper\Nscissors two-thirds. You know what I mean?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rock breaks scissors. These scissors are bent.\NThey're destroyed.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't cut stuff so i lose.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Scissors cuts paper. They're just strips
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is not even paper, this going to take\Nme forever to put together. You got me
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Paper covers rock. Rock is fine!\NNo stuctural damage to rock
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Rock can break through paper\Nat any point. Just say the word
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Paper sucks.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It should be rock, dynamite\Nwith a cutable wick, scissors.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I like to stand there at the ATM machine\Nwhen somebody types in their PIN number
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I go, "Got it!" And then I run away.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And staying in hotels because you\Ncan leave a message for somebody
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you don't even need to know their name
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just like a room number, you know.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Hey can I get a pen-I just want to leave a\Nmy friends in 710, yeah thanks.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Leprechauns are gonna fuck \Nyou up at midnight."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Honey what the hell is this? \NDid you anger a small Irishman?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I'm drinking I like to have a straw.\NYou know what I mean.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The straw enables you to drink without\Nusing your wrist
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The straw is your friend.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you lose eye contact with the straw...
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then he'll betray you and make you look\Nlike an idiot.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just act like I'm surprised at something,\Nlike, cover it up you know.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My God!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what you had for breakfast?! \N(mouths "WOW!")
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then I gotta pull the straw to the side\N"The hell do you think you're doing?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"The last time I checked you were right\Nby my mouth!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What the hell are you doing on the other side of the glass?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I don't need you, you're a luxery."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The ice is even worse!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I get to the bottom of the glass, just me\Nand the ice. OK.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just one of you, I want something to chew on.\NCome on.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the ice is like"Hold!"\N"Brothers hold! Everybody strike! Now!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Jeez!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wonder how good this spotlight works...
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Pretty good.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The easiest time to add insult to injury\Nis when you're signing somebody's cast.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You're a dick."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You deserve this."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Jerk."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wonder what's the smallest garbage can\NI can put on the curb outside my house.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And have them empty it and put it back.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I hate this guy. I hate this guy. Freakin\Ntiny gar- four really?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Four tiny garbage cans\Nare you kidding me?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"He chained them up man come on!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then on time I would leave a tiny sweater.\NNext to the cans.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when the garbage man come up he's like\N"Wait a minute!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"This guys not a jerk, we have a tiny\Nresident living here!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"This is appropriately sized, never mind."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Regular sized house though, he's doing\Nvery well for himself."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was sitting in a bench in New York and\NI was trying to work
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was sitting there, I was writing in my\Nnote book and I suddenly heard...
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Kissing noises) So I looked up and\NI was like "Huh?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there was a guy standing four feet\Nfrom me just going (kissing noises)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To a squirrel that was three feet from me.\NSo I looked at the squirrel and
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he wasn't looking up. I realized\N"Ah man are you kidding me?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm less focused on squirrels?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm working and i hear (kissing noise)\N"Huh what's that? Is it kissing?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Aimed at the squirrel. He's like\Ncome on man, really?\N
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nice try, stupid. I got an acorn.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I saw a sign on this door, it said\N"Exit Only"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I entered it and I went up to the\Nguy working there and i was like,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I have some good news.""You have severely\Nunderestimated this door over here."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"By like 100% man."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hate heavy doors!\NI hate when there's a heavy door because
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there should be a sign on it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A sign that says, "Warning! You're going\Nto look weak right Now!"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Damn it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why didn't you tell me man? I'm walking\Nwith a girl here
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want to struggle to\Nget into the bar!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So now I treat every door like it's heavy.\NBecause I don't want to get burned again.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The problem is, every door isn't heavy.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I'm like slamming doors.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want to slam a door and not\Nhave an emotion to go with the activity
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That look crazy.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what happens when I go into a\Nconvenience store and i'm just like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,BAM! I need some gum NOW!
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't have time to mess around man,\NI've got some bad breath.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why is your door so light?\NThat looks delicious.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to make a revolving door that says\Npull on it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just see how obedient people are\NYou know?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're like, "Oh it's one of these, \NI'm sorry, excuse me."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"It's the door, not me."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Thank you."