(Intro music)
Yeah
A lot of things happened in the past
then i was born
then i went to Texas
to show. (Ho!)
Now I'd like to tell you a little bit about me
I grew up in Central New Jersey.
I had a childhood too.
I liked skateboarding. I found it relaxing and fun!
(That's true!)
Then i did some jobs for money.
They were not as fun as the skateboarding. (No!)
Now I do live comedy shows (Can you handle that?)
Sometimes on T.V. (Like right now!)
Get ready to have your ass blown off by me
With subtle...subtle (Low energy) Comedy. (Low energy, Ho!)
(Crowd cheers) (Hey!)
Thank you.
Thank you audience. Thanks.
Thanks for being here for my special.
Those are the best claps I'm going to get so I'm going to end on that.
Oh okay, they're saying I should do more, alright.
I saw a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a while and I went in to shake his hand,
I went in for the handshake.
When I went to shake his hand, he squeezed just the fingers part
he cut me off
Making me give him a wussy handshake.
But I thought, like, quickly and I just went with it, I just went..
"Charmed."
You cut me off, I'll curtsy on your ass.
I hate when I go in for a handshake
and I'm coming in traditional. I'm showing you my hand
and then the person comes back here with like, the fist thing
Then i gotta scramble, like, upgrade, oh we're doing the fist, OK.
Because yours is newer I gotta do your thing
So I don't do it I just go like
Paper covers rock bitch.
Best of one!
When I thought about, I like rock paper scissors two-thirds. You know what I mean?
Rock breaks scissors. These scissors are bent. They're destroyed.
I can't cut stuff so i lose.
Scissors cuts paper. They're just strips
This is not even paper, this going to take me forever to put together. You got me
Paper covers rock. Rock is fine! No stuctural damage to rock
Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word
Paper sucks.
It should be rock, dynamite with a cutable wick, scissors.
I like to stand there at the ATM machine when somebody types in their PIN number
I go, "Got it!" And then I run away.
And staying in hotels because you can leave a message for somebody
and you don't even need to know their name
Just like a room number, you know.
Hey can I get a pen-I just want to leave a my friends in 710, yeah thanks.
"Leprechauns are gonna fuck you up at midnight."
"Honey what the hell is this? Did you anger a small Irishman?"
When I'm drinking I like to have a straw. You know what I mean.
The straw enables you to drink without using your wrist
The straw is your friend.
If you lose eye contact with the straw...
Then he'll betray you and make you look like an idiot.
I just act like I'm surprised at something like, cover it up you know.
My God!
That's what you had for breakfast?! (mouths "WOW!")
Then I gotta pull the straw to the side "The hell do you think you're doing?"
"The last time I checked you were right by my mouth!"
"What the hell are you doing on the other side of the glass?"
"I don't need you, you're a luxery."
The ice is even worse!
I get to the bottom of the glass, just me and the ice. OK.
Just one of you, I want something to chew on. Come on.
And the ice is like"Hold!" "Brothers hold! Everybody strike! Now!"
Jeez!
I wonder how good this spotlight works...
Pretty good.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
"You're a dick."
"You deserve this."
"Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."
"Jerk."
I wonder what's the smallest garbage can I can put on the curb outside my house.
And have them empty it and put it back.
"I hate this guy. I hate this guy. Freakin tiny gar- four really?
Four tiny garbage cans are you kidding me?"
"He chained them up man come on!"
Then on time I would leave a tiny sweater. Next to the cans.
So when the garbage man come up he's like "Wait a minute!"
"This guys not a jerk, we have a tiny resident living here!"
"This is appropriately sized, never mind."
"Regular sized house though, he's doing very well for himself."
I was sitting in a bench in New York and I was trying to work
I was sitting there, I was writing in my note book and I suddenly heard...
(Kissing noises) So I looked up and I was like "Huh?"
And there was a guy standing four feet from me just going (kissing noises)
To a squirrel that was three feet from me. So I looked at the squirrel and
he wasn't looking up. I realized "Ah man are you kidding me?"
"I'm less focused on squirrels?"
I'm working and i hear (kissing noise) "Huh what's that? Is it kissing?"
Aimed at the squirrel. He's like come on man, really?
Nice try, stupid. I got an acorn.
I saw a sign on this door, it said "Exit Only"
So I entered it and I went up to the guy working there and i was like,
"I have some good news.""You have severely underestimated this door over here."
"By like 100% man."
I hate heavy doors! I hate when there's a heavy door because
there should be a sign on it.
A sign that says, "Warning! You're going to look weak right Now!"
Damn it.
Why didn't you tell me man? I'm walking with a girl here
I don't want to struggle to get into the bar!
So now I treat every door like it's heavy. Because I don't want to get burned again.
The problem is, every door isn't heavy.
So I'm like slamming doors.
I don't want to slam a door and not have an emotion to go with the activity
That look crazy.
So what happens when I go into a convenience store and i'm just like
BAM! I need some gum NOW!
I don't have time to mess around man, I've got some bad breath.
Why is your door so light? That looks delicious.
I want to make a revolving door that says pull on it.
Just see how obedient people are You know?
They're like, "Oh it's one of these, I'm sorry, excuse me."
"It's the door, not me."
"Thank you."
So this is a large pad. On this pad, I have data from the last year.
These are findings. So I'd like to get into that.
OK. I'm going to start with a simple chart. OK this is pretty simple
This is 'how short the person is' vs. 'how drunk the person is'
And this line is how funny it is.
You see the shorter and more drunk the person is, the funnier it is.
This up here would be a midget or a small child who's very drunk.
Here this guys like 6 foot and he's just like buzzed. And it's like (shrug noise)
But here we have a dwarf about to take a dive off a chair
Can I get this man another shot, maybe some whiskey in a thimble
OK. Break down of Hummer owners.
Tough guys come at 43% of the owners. Pricks are 27%.
Douche bags are 17%, Now dildos are almost 15%
and this is interesting because I never had to pluralize dildo before..
I don't know if that sorta looks like dildas
I hope I never have to again. Like in a deposition or something.
How many dildos were there?
I don't know, but I'm sore and I want to go home
How funny I find farts by location.
School is pretty funny, church is funnier, my face isn't funny at all that's negative
My brothers face is off the charts though.
Scuba, I'm not sure.It depends, if you can see the bubbles come
out of the wet suit.
That's pretty funny because HAHA we have a man punishing fishermen
in the distance. Very nice.
Actually it's probably funnier if you can't see the bubbles come out.
Cuz then you see a guy swimming then all of the sudden he just starts to
Struggle in his own air supply. "Must stop farting into own nostrils."
"Never tacos before scuba!"
Flow chart of clowns.Circus, annoying. Birthday clowns, sad.
One that's just around, is creepy. But if any of them get hurt, it's funny.
There's a saying that goes 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw
stones'
OK. How about, nobody should throw stones.
That's crappy behavior!
My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing situation.
Don't do it!
There is one exception though. If you're trapped in a glass house...
And you have a stone, then throw it!
What are you an idiot?
So really, it's only people in glass houses should throw stones.
Provided they are trapped. In a house. with a stone.
It's a little longer but you know.
Pony tail locations. OK.
Pony's ass, OK. Back of my friend's dad's head, not okay.
Mostly because of this area right here. This isn't helping this.
That's not good.
This is the pie chart of procrastination.
Okay, this is very autobiographical This is the cuteness of the girl
Versus how interested I am in hearing about how intuitive her cat is.
You see, the cuter the girl is, the more I'm willing to hear about the cat
Oh really yeah he's very intuitive.
But you'll notice at a certain point, I don't care how cute you are.
I don't want to hear about your fucking cat anymore.
I hate your cat.
When you leave the room, I try to get it.
This is my ability to draw mountains over time.
I learned something on the road, travelling around.
State shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state,
The harder it is to live in that state.
So if you live in a regular polygon. get the hell out of there!
You've gotta move to a squiggly area
Culture is attracted to squiggles.