WEBVTT

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Went to China Town;

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there were too many bright lights,

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asked them to dim sum.

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(Laughter)

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Thought I'd start with a haiku.

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(Laughter)

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Hello, I'm Harry, 
and it's nice to be back.

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I'm about to finish my degree 
at the University of Bristol,

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and so I'd like to share 
a couple of poems from that time.

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This first one is called
"How I fell in love at Freshers' Fair",

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and I'd like to dedicate it 
to the genius in Bristol

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who opened a late night kebab van
and called it Jason Doner Van.

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(Laughter)

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"We locked eyes from across the room.

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Her smile drew me in

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like the smell of Jason Doner Van
on a Saturday night.

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I walk over before I realize 
what I'm doing.

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Heart dancing awkwardly
like Jason Donovan on a Saturday night.

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They called her Bex, 
breathtaking Bex, brilliant Bex;

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one look, I'm already erect

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on my neck... the hairs...

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It's poetic!

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That's right Bex, 
beautiful Bex, brilliant Bex,

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one look and I'm thinking of sex.

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She [won't put] on a set theory

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that states, at this stage, 
we can't really define what a set is.

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But even a naive understanding
of a selection of elements

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leads to various paradoxes

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like the set of all sets
couldn't really be a set

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otherwise it'd have to include itself.

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And if I said she'd the beauty
of all the women in the world

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it would lead to a similar contradiction,

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but if she was a set 
she would be fine-ite.

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Bex. She puts bubbles 
in my stomach, like Beck's.

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Bex, we all agree 
that she's attractive like Beck's.

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I want to send her a text
that ends in an x

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maybe even a smiley face
so I could pretend that was fun.

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And as her lips begin to part

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like crowded lifts with stinky farts

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she asks, "Have you ever 
considered pole dancing?"

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I tell her, "Not really, 
I'm not really that bloke."

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She said, "Girls love it 
when guys come along."

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I said, "That's a joke.

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Surely any guy that goes 
to Pole-Soc must be a pervert,

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a confused Eastern European,

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or both.

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She maintains it's a great way 
to stay in shape,

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and there's a free taster session
where you can discover your potential.

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In my head I'm thinking 
less LA Fitness, more LA Confidential.

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By which I mean 
the scummy Gentlemen's Club in Ealing

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not the 1997 Kevin Spacey crime thriller.

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Either way, I say, "I do not think 
I have the arm strength."

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At which point, a mate chimes in,
"Show him your arms, Bex."

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Now imagine Popeye, on steroids,
seen through a fisheye lens,

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but beautiful.

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And it's the first week of the term
so I didn't have many friends.

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Well, it's the first week of term
so I didn't have any friends.

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So it's nice that's someone
that wants to talk to me.

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Especially when she's pretty.

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So I carry on this conversation
even though I'm iffy.

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For every perfectly reasonable question
there is an equally reasonable answer

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regardless of the the fact
that I'd be the world's worst pole dancer.

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I ask her if she'll be there.

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And this is what she said,
"I can give you your own personal lesson."

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Obviously, I play it cool
like I see all my friends are doing

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but I am definitely
at this taster session.

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(Laughter)

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if only so I'm united with Bex.

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Oh Bex, bewitching Bex, beguiling Bex,

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I should have expected 
what happened next, bloody Bex.

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There are 50 people
at this taster session,

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and I didn't really have to be
a week into my maths degree

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to work out I was the only boy.

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(Laughter)

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And despite all those flirtatious lies 
Bex had said to me

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that's precisely the way it's meant to be
'cause after the third time,

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the instructor addresses 
everyone as "ladies"

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followed by an apologetic smile 
in my direction.

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I realise I'm about to spend 
the next 55 minutes

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trying to hide my...

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...embarrassment.

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(Laughter)

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Not only do I stand out

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because of my stand out
Adam's apple,

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I am also noticeably terrible

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which can't be helped by the fact

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that my palms are sweaty, 
knees weak, arms are heavy.

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There are friction burns
on my calves already.

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I'm nervous, but on the surface 
I look calm and ready

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to pole dance

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but I keep on forgetting that I can't.

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(Laughter)

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So once again, I jump and swing,
and knees slam into laminate flooring

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causing even more bruising 
of my ego and knees.

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Bex makes her way over
for that lesson she promised me

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and whilst I still very much 
appreciate her company

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her comments of, 
"I can't believe you actually came!"

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do little to encourage me.

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(Laughter)

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And as the Pole-Soc Social Sec
announces the end of the session

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any breath that I have left
forms an almighty sigh of relief.

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Any dreams or delusions
that haven't been crushed yet

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are soon to be [expelled]

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She says, "We've got a couple
of socials coming up.

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Next week there's a joint pub crawl 
with the American Football Team.

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The next month there's the annual 
Pole-Soc photo calendar shoot.

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And as she hands out last year's calendars
of sexy girls in lingerie,

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I share a look with Bex that says 
everything I want to say

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because my mum brought me up 
believing in equality of gender.

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And as much as I would love for this face
to represent November

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(Laughter)

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it's not quite worth 
the 15-pound registration fee.

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(Laughter)

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Even if it does come 
with a free pair of hot pants!

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So as I make my way to a free meal
put on by the Christian Union,

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show them my hairless sections of leg,

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and tell them that Pole Fitness
is a legitimate form of exercise,

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and it's difficult,

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I tell myself I need to start 
learning to say no to stuff

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or at least bring a friend 
with me next year.

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Cheers.

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(Applause)

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I grew up in London,

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and one of the best things 
about growing up in London

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is whenever you go anywhere else
it seems very friendly

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(Laughter)

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and Bristol was no exception.

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And the other thing about Bristol
in comparison with London

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is that it was relatively close 
to the beach.

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It just happens that the beach

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that it was relatively close to
was Weston-super-Mare.

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(Laughter)

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These people have been 
to Weston-super-Mare!

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But term started in September-October.

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I was really excited,

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but I thought we should probably wait
till the appropriate time.

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So this is a poem about 
what happened when we did go,

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and it's called
"Weston-super-Nightmare".

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(Laughter)

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Picture the scene:

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a group of giggling teens.

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Two on the left and the right,

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you're in the middle with me,
riddled with glee.

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So excited,

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you're worried that the piddle 
will be trickling free

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warming up that back bit of your knee

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but you hold out;
now very aware that it is cold out

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and wearing just swimming trunks,
flip-flops, and a t-shirt feels bold now.

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It looked a lot warmer out the window.

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But when you're inside it's difficult 
to know how the wind blows

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and right now there's 
mini-hurricanes around my shins.

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So this was the plan: go in, arms out, 
maybe get a bit of a tan,

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and then race across the glistening 
sand, flip-flops in hand,

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and swim about.

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Bring a towel, be in and out by sunset;

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then, while it's hot, start drying off,
let everything get un-wet and rewarm.

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But that ain't how it goes,

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and so you wish 
you could have been prewarned

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that it's the 25th of February

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and just 'cause it's the first day
the sun has properly come out in ages

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that don't change the fact 
that it's technically winter,

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and it's a lot colder than you thought.

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Even with that towel 
around your shoulders for support

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and that spare pair of trousers
that're now over your shorts,

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you've just arrived,

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and you're already wearing all the clothes
you brought, and you are still cold.

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You realise sometimes, 
we do things that are stupid

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just so we don't feel old.

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I'm 20 in a couple of weeks.

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And to remedy this
everybody's come to the beach.

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There's Vanessa, Rebecca, 
Mandala McGregor,

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Suzie, Sue, James and us,

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and whatever the weather
we're in it together

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so why bother making a fuss?

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Weston-super-Mare
a.k.a. Weston-super-Mud.

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My foot hits the ground
with the less than super thud;

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more of a squelch if I'm honest.

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But I honestly don't care a bit.

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I'm knee deep in faeces,
I'm very much aware of it,

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but I'm the type of guy 
that likes to see the sights.

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So as we're beside the seaside
me and Mandy decide

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we won't leave till we've tried the ocean.

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Stop motion.

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Snapshot of us mouths open

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desperately trying not to swallow mud.

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Not quite full hippopotamus,

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but there're bits of sludge
going in and around the lot of us.

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No concept of worrying about tomorrow,
just wallowing in what's left of today

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'cause today is potentially adventurey,

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and 100% of me, fundamentally believes

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the fun is meant to be done inventively

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and whenever and wherever possible.

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That doesn't mean drunken teens 
[vomiting up] and screaming, "Yolo!"

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That's as a kid thinking, 
"How laxative exactly is a pack of Polos?"

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And actually having 
the audacity to find out

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(Laughter)

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quite a lot.

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(Laughter)

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and coming to the conclusion of "Why not?"

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It's carefully considering 
the current consequences

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Maybe that's why I almost joined
the pole dancing society at uni,

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or decided to try rapping
for my German speaking presentation,

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or ended up stripping
for my German speaking presentation

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(Laughter)

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or was one mark off a first
for my German speaking presentation!

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Or, emerging from the sea 
freezing cold and nearly naked,

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a little part of me 
cannot help but feel amazing.

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Even if, by this point, 
one of my flip-flops slipped off,

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tracky bottoms got so sodden 
they had to be ripped off,

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t-shirt and towel were teasing the tide
and ended up a bit got,

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so now I'm just in muddy trunks
and fiending for a chip shop.

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But the guardian of the pier is there
to make sure I stay put.

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He says, "You cannot come in here,
you might get splinters in your foot."

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(Laughter)

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Now, in a West Country accent 
you can say anything.

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It's very difficult to sound menacing.

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(Laughter)

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But I realise at this point
this place ain't quite what I thought.

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There is something inherently creepy
about a seaside resort

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at night time in the middle of winter.

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So I think it might be time to go home,
but the next train isn't for three hours,

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and by that point, 
I would definitely be dead.

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(Laughter)

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So instead, I valiantly vow 
to continue with my quest.

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Some people want to get rich,
some want to get famous.

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I just want to get dressed.

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After getting kicked out of New Look,
which was probably for the best,

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I'd like to stress, other than death,
I only had one option left

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and usually my innate fashion sense,
powerful street cred,

00:11:35.773 --> 00:11:39.006
or inspirational moral fibre
might prevent what happened next,

00:11:39.006 --> 00:11:42.696
but these are running low
and everywhere is closed,

00:11:42.696 --> 00:11:48.436
so, "Let's all go to Tesco,
where Harry buys his best clothes,

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la, la, la, la, na, na, na, na.

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They sell dressing gowns and flip-flops
I'm desperately in need of

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na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na."

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Every little helps!

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(Laughter)

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I love the beach,
and I love swimming in the sea.

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I love having adventures
because I love feeling free.

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I love people who are up 
for stuff and spontaneity.

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The truth is I love life,
and I love people who love life like me.

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Sometimes it's for the glory,
sometimes it's for the story,

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mostly it's because I believe
we weren't made to be ordinary.

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So, at the end of the day, 
what's done is done,

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and nothing beats fun because fun is fun

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and stuff is approximately 40% 
more fun in a dressing gown.

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(Laughter)

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Especially if you're naked underneath.

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(Laughter)

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Imagine the fun that you're having,
and then adding the feeling of fleece.

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(Laughter)

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Combine that with a cool breeze
and the fact I love feeling free.

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It is having the audacity 
to find out quite a lot.

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It is carefully considering
the current consequences

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and coming to the conclusion of "Why not?"

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Thank you.

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(Applause)