1
00:00:13,954 --> 00:00:15,674
Went to China Town;

2
00:00:16,762 --> 00:00:18,842
there were too many bright lights,

3
00:00:19,508 --> 00:00:21,998
asked them to dim sum.

4
00:00:21,998 --> 00:00:24,527
(Laughter)

5
00:00:24,527 --> 00:00:26,777
Thought I'd start with a haiku.

6
00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:28,537
(Laughter)

7
00:00:30,537 --> 00:00:34,997
Hello, I'm Harry, 
and it's nice to be back.

8
00:00:34,997 --> 00:00:38,992
I'm about to finish my degree 
at the University of Bristol,

9
00:00:38,992 --> 00:00:42,858
and so I'd like to share 
a couple of poems from that time.

10
00:00:42,858 --> 00:00:47,708
This first one is called
"How I fell in love at Freshers' Fair",

11
00:00:47,708 --> 00:00:51,282
and I'd like to dedicate it 
to the genius in Bristol

12
00:00:51,282 --> 00:00:55,853
who opened a late night kebab van
and called it Jason Doner Van.

13
00:00:55,853 --> 00:00:57,593
(Laughter)

14
00:01:04,238 --> 00:01:07,958
"We locked eyes from across the room.

15
00:01:07,958 --> 00:01:09,398
Her smile drew me in

16
00:01:09,398 --> 00:01:13,288
like the smell of Jason Doner Van
on a Saturday night.

17
00:01:13,288 --> 00:01:15,983
I walk over before I realize 
what I'm doing.

18
00:01:15,983 --> 00:01:20,513
Heart dancing awkwardly
like Jason Donovan on a Saturday night.

19
00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:24,764
They called her Bex, 
breathtaking Bex, brilliant Bex;

20
00:01:24,764 --> 00:01:26,954
one look, I'm already erect

21
00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:30,054
on my neck... the hairs...

22
00:01:30,054 --> 00:01:32,035
It's poetic!

23
00:01:32,035 --> 00:01:34,906
That's right Bex, 
beautiful Bex, brilliant Bex,

24
00:01:34,906 --> 00:01:36,746
one look and I'm thinking of sex.

25
00:01:36,746 --> 00:01:38,266
She [won't put] on a set theory

26
00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:41,425
that states, at this stage, 
we can't really define what a set is.

27
00:01:41,425 --> 00:01:43,115
But even a naive understanding
of a selection of elements

28
00:01:43,115 --> 00:01:44,355
leads to various paradoxes

29
00:01:44,355 --> 00:01:46,705
like the set of all sets
couldn't really be a set

30
00:01:46,705 --> 00:01:48,605
otherwise it'd have to include itself.

31
00:01:48,605 --> 00:01:51,475
And if I said she'd the beauty
of all the women in the world

32
00:01:51,475 --> 00:01:53,515
it would lead to a similar contradiction,

33
00:01:53,515 --> 00:01:55,835
but if she was a set 
she would be fine-ite.

34
00:01:56,499 --> 00:02:01,409
Bex. She puts bubbles 
in my stomach, like Beck's.

35
00:02:03,509 --> 00:02:07,239
Bex, we all agree 
that she's attractive like Beck's.

36
00:02:07,239 --> 00:02:10,158
I want to send her a text
that ends in an x

37
00:02:10,158 --> 00:02:13,239
maybe even a smiley face
so I could pretend that was fun.

38
00:02:13,239 --> 00:02:16,161
And as her lips begin to part

39
00:02:16,161 --> 00:02:18,752
like crowded lifts with stinky farts

40
00:02:19,750 --> 00:02:25,090
she asks, "Have you ever 
considered pole dancing?"

41
00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:31,428
I tell her, "Not really, 
I'm not really that bloke."

42
00:02:31,428 --> 00:02:33,698
She said, "Girls love it 
when guys come along."

43
00:02:33,698 --> 00:02:34,958
I said, "That's a joke.

44
00:02:34,958 --> 00:02:37,793
Surely any guy that goes 
to Pole-Soc must be a pervert,

45
00:02:37,793 --> 00:02:40,513
a confused Eastern European,

46
00:02:42,656 --> 00:02:43,696
or both.

47
00:02:44,750 --> 00:02:47,150
She maintains it's a great way 
to stay in shape,

48
00:02:47,150 --> 00:02:50,701
and there's a free taster session
where you can discover your potential.

49
00:02:50,701 --> 00:02:54,191
In my head I'm thinking 
less LA Fitness, more LA Confidential.

50
00:02:54,191 --> 00:02:56,861
By which I mean 
the scummy Gentlemen's Club in Ealing

51
00:02:56,861 --> 00:02:59,821
not the 1997 Kevin Spacey crime thriller.

52
00:02:59,821 --> 00:03:03,155
Either way, I say, "I do not think 
I have the arm strength."

53
00:03:03,825 --> 00:03:06,735
At which point, a mate chimes in,
"Show him your arms, Bex."

54
00:03:06,735 --> 00:03:12,005
Now imagine Popeye, on steroids,
seen through a fisheye lens,

55
00:03:12,005 --> 00:03:13,917
but beautiful.

56
00:03:13,917 --> 00:03:17,507
And it's the first week of the term
so I didn't have many friends.

57
00:03:17,507 --> 00:03:21,934
Well, it's the first week of term
so I didn't have any friends.

58
00:03:21,934 --> 00:03:25,021
So it's nice that's someone
that wants to talk to me.

59
00:03:25,021 --> 00:03:26,885
Especially when she's pretty.

60
00:03:26,885 --> 00:03:29,495
So I carry on this conversation
even though I'm iffy.

61
00:03:29,495 --> 00:03:33,585
For every perfectly reasonable question
there is an equally reasonable answer

62
00:03:33,585 --> 00:03:37,015
regardless of the the fact
that I'd be the world's worst pole dancer.

63
00:03:37,015 --> 00:03:39,521
I ask her if she'll be there.

64
00:03:39,521 --> 00:03:44,765
And this is what she said,
"I can give you your own personal lesson."

65
00:03:44,765 --> 00:03:47,645
Obviously, I play it cool
like I see all my friends are doing

66
00:03:47,645 --> 00:03:49,725
but I am definitely
at this taster session.

67
00:03:49,725 --> 00:03:50,979
(Laughter)

68
00:03:50,979 --> 00:03:53,492
if only so I'm united with Bex.

69
00:03:53,492 --> 00:03:57,112
Oh Bex, bewitching Bex, beguiling Bex,

70
00:03:57,112 --> 00:04:01,922
I should have expected 
what happened next, bloody Bex.

71
00:04:02,712 --> 00:04:05,244
There are 50 people
at this taster session,

72
00:04:05,244 --> 00:04:08,114
and I didn't really have to be
a week into my maths degree

73
00:04:08,114 --> 00:04:10,504
to work out I was the only boy.

74
00:04:10,504 --> 00:04:11,746
(Laughter)

75
00:04:11,746 --> 00:04:14,856
And despite all those flirtatious lies 
Bex had said to me

76
00:04:14,856 --> 00:04:18,185
that's precisely the way it's meant to be
'cause after the third time,

77
00:04:18,185 --> 00:04:21,375
the instructor addresses 
everyone as "ladies"

78
00:04:21,375 --> 00:04:24,721
followed by an apologetic smile 
in my direction.

79
00:04:24,721 --> 00:04:27,699
I realise I'm about to spend 
the next 55 minutes

80
00:04:27,699 --> 00:04:29,529
trying to hide my...

81
00:04:30,717 --> 00:04:32,207
...embarrassment.

82
00:04:32,207 --> 00:04:33,532
(Laughter)

83
00:04:33,532 --> 00:04:35,132
Not only do I stand out

84
00:04:35,132 --> 00:04:38,519
because of my stand out
Adam's apple,

85
00:04:38,519 --> 00:04:40,943
I am also noticeably terrible

86
00:04:40,943 --> 00:04:43,588
which can't be helped by the fact

87
00:04:43,588 --> 00:04:47,488
that my palms are sweaty, 
knees weak, arms are heavy.

88
00:04:47,498 --> 00:04:50,133
There are friction burns
on my calves already.

89
00:04:50,133 --> 00:04:52,703
I'm nervous, but on the surface 
I look calm and ready

90
00:04:52,703 --> 00:04:53,933
to pole dance

91
00:04:53,933 --> 00:04:56,324
but I keep on forgetting that I can't.

92
00:04:56,324 --> 00:04:57,944
(Laughter)

93
00:04:57,944 --> 00:05:01,414
So once again, I jump and swing,
and knees slam into laminate flooring

94
00:05:01,414 --> 00:05:05,754
causing even more bruising 
of my ego and knees.

95
00:05:05,755 --> 00:05:08,325
Bex makes her way over
for that lesson she promised me

96
00:05:08,325 --> 00:05:10,835
and whilst I still very much 
appreciate her company

97
00:05:10,835 --> 00:05:13,425
her comments of, 
"I can't believe you actually came!"

98
00:05:13,425 --> 00:05:15,350
do little to encourage me.

99
00:05:15,350 --> 00:05:16,355
(Laughter)

100
00:05:16,355 --> 00:05:19,336
And as the Pole-Soc Social Sec
announces the end of the session

101
00:05:19,336 --> 00:05:22,256
any breath that I have left
forms an almighty sigh of relief.

102
00:05:22,256 --> 00:05:24,767
Any dreams or delusions
that haven't been crushed yet

103
00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:26,407
are soon to be [expelled]

104
00:05:26,407 --> 00:05:30,367
She says, "We've got a couple
of socials coming up.

105
00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:34,383
Next week there's a joint pub crawl 
with the American Football Team.

106
00:05:34,383 --> 00:05:38,280
The next month there's the annual 
Pole-Soc photo calendar shoot.

107
00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:43,121
And as she hands out last year's calendars
of sexy girls in lingerie,

108
00:05:43,121 --> 00:05:45,941
I share a look with Bex that says 
everything I want to say

109
00:05:45,941 --> 00:05:50,151
because my mum brought me up 
believing in equality of gender.

110
00:05:50,151 --> 00:05:54,529
And as much as I would love for this face
to represent November

111
00:05:54,529 --> 00:05:56,499
(Laughter)

112
00:05:56,499 --> 00:05:59,948
it's not quite worth 
the 15-pound registration fee.

113
00:05:59,948 --> 00:06:02,338
(Laughter)

114
00:06:02,338 --> 00:06:05,278
Even if it does come 
with a free pair of hot pants!

115
00:06:05,278 --> 00:06:09,298
So as I make my way to a free meal
put on by the Christian Union,

116
00:06:09,298 --> 00:06:11,138
show them my hairless sections of leg,

117
00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:14,394
and tell them that Pole Fitness
is a legitimate form of exercise,

118
00:06:14,394 --> 00:06:16,064
and it's difficult,

119
00:06:16,064 --> 00:06:19,920
I tell myself I need to start 
learning to say no to stuff

120
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,828
or at least bring a friend 
with me next year.

121
00:06:22,828 --> 00:06:23,979
Cheers.

122
00:06:23,979 --> 00:06:25,283
(Applause)

123
00:06:29,969 --> 00:06:31,329
I grew up in London,

124
00:06:31,329 --> 00:06:34,242
and one of the best things 
about growing up in London

125
00:06:34,242 --> 00:06:37,924
is whenever you go anywhere else
it seems very friendly

126
00:06:38,974 --> 00:06:40,504
(Laughter)

127
00:06:40,504 --> 00:06:42,508
and Bristol was no exception.

128
00:06:42,508 --> 00:06:45,670
And the other thing about Bristol
in comparison with London

129
00:06:45,670 --> 00:06:48,500
is that it was relatively close 
to the beach.

130
00:06:48,500 --> 00:06:50,242
It just happens that the beach

131
00:06:50,242 --> 00:06:53,892
that it was relatively close to
was Weston-super-Mare.

132
00:06:53,892 --> 00:06:54,972
(Laughter)

133
00:06:54,972 --> 00:06:58,512
These people have been 
to Weston-super-Mare!

134
00:06:58,512 --> 00:07:01,149
But term started in September-October.

135
00:07:01,149 --> 00:07:02,609
I was really excited,

136
00:07:02,609 --> 00:07:05,789
but I thought we should probably wait
till the appropriate time.

137
00:07:05,789 --> 00:07:08,549
So this is a poem about 
what happened when we did go,

138
00:07:08,549 --> 00:07:11,017
and it's called
"Weston-super-Nightmare".

139
00:07:11,017 --> 00:07:13,147
(Laughter)

140
00:07:14,927 --> 00:07:16,817
Picture the scene:

141
00:07:17,483 --> 00:07:19,799
a group of giggling teens.

142
00:07:19,799 --> 00:07:21,249
Two on the left and the right,

143
00:07:21,249 --> 00:07:23,569
you're in the middle with me,
riddled with glee.

144
00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:24,599
So excited,

145
00:07:24,599 --> 00:07:27,210
you're worried that the piddle 
will be trickling free

146
00:07:27,210 --> 00:07:29,120
warming up that back bit of your knee

147
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:32,730
but you hold out;
now very aware that it is cold out

148
00:07:32,734 --> 00:07:37,114
and wearing just swimming trunks,
flip-flops, and a t-shirt feels bold now.

149
00:07:37,114 --> 00:07:39,964
It looked a lot warmer out the window.

150
00:07:39,964 --> 00:07:43,310
But when you're inside it's difficult 
to know how the wind blows

151
00:07:43,310 --> 00:07:45,920
and right now there's 
mini-hurricanes around my shins.

152
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:50,840
So this was the plan: go in, arms out, 
maybe get a bit of a tan,

153
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:53,960
and then race across the glistening 
sand, flip-flops in hand,

154
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,420
and swim about.

155
00:07:55,420 --> 00:07:57,380
Bring a towel, be in and out by sunset;

156
00:07:57,380 --> 00:08:01,500
then, while it's hot, start drying off,
let everything get un-wet and rewarm.

157
00:08:01,508 --> 00:08:03,168
But that ain't how it goes,

158
00:08:03,168 --> 00:08:05,518
and so you wish 
you could have been prewarned

159
00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:09,388
that it's the 25th of February

160
00:08:10,473 --> 00:08:14,183
and just 'cause it's the first day
the sun has properly come out in ages

161
00:08:14,183 --> 00:08:17,273
that don't change the fact 
that it's technically winter,

162
00:08:17,273 --> 00:08:19,878
and it's a lot colder than you thought.

163
00:08:19,878 --> 00:08:22,488
Even with that towel 
around your shoulders for support

164
00:08:22,488 --> 00:08:25,368
and that spare pair of trousers
that're now over your shorts,

165
00:08:25,368 --> 00:08:26,428
you've just arrived,

166
00:08:26,428 --> 00:08:30,188
and you're already wearing all the clothes
you brought, and you are still cold.

167
00:08:30,188 --> 00:08:32,748
You realise sometimes, 
we do things that are stupid

168
00:08:32,748 --> 00:08:34,768
just so we don't feel old.

169
00:08:34,768 --> 00:08:37,662
I'm 20 in a couple of weeks.

170
00:08:37,662 --> 00:08:40,153
And to remedy this
everybody's come to the beach.

171
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:42,283
There's Vanessa, Rebecca, 
Mandala McGregor,

172
00:08:42,283 --> 00:08:43,732
Suzie, Sue, James and us,

173
00:08:43,732 --> 00:08:45,903
and whatever the weather
we're in it together

174
00:08:45,903 --> 00:08:47,333
so why bother making a fuss?

175
00:08:47,333 --> 00:08:51,333
Weston-super-Mare
a.k.a. Weston-super-Mud.

176
00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:54,261
My foot hits the ground
with the less than super thud;

177
00:08:54,261 --> 00:08:56,521
more of a squelch if I'm honest.

178
00:08:56,521 --> 00:08:58,590
But I honestly don't care a bit.

179
00:08:58,590 --> 00:09:02,463
I'm knee deep in faeces,
I'm very much aware of it,

180
00:09:02,463 --> 00:09:06,283
but I'm the type of guy 
that likes to see the sights.

181
00:09:06,283 --> 00:09:09,557
So as we're beside the seaside
me and Mandy decide

182
00:09:09,557 --> 00:09:12,007
we won't leave till we've tried the ocean.

183
00:09:12,007 --> 00:09:13,387
Stop motion.

184
00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,677
Snapshot of us mouths open

185
00:09:15,677 --> 00:09:18,497
desperately trying not to swallow mud.

186
00:09:18,497 --> 00:09:20,214
Not quite full hippopotamus,

187
00:09:20,214 --> 00:09:23,244
but there're bits of sludge
going in and around the lot of us.

188
00:09:23,244 --> 00:09:26,934
No concept of worrying about tomorrow,
just wallowing in what's left of today

189
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:30,754
'cause today is potentially adventurey,

190
00:09:30,754 --> 00:09:33,588
and 100% of me, fundamentally believes

191
00:09:33,588 --> 00:09:36,628
the fun is meant to be done inventively

192
00:09:36,628 --> 00:09:39,357
and whenever and wherever possible.

193
00:09:39,357 --> 00:09:44,236
That doesn't mean drunken teens 
[vomiting up] and screaming, "Yolo!"

194
00:09:44,236 --> 00:09:49,659
That's as a kid thinking, 
"How laxative exactly is a pack of Polos?"

195
00:09:50,969 --> 00:09:54,381
And actually having 
the audacity to find out

196
00:09:54,381 --> 00:09:55,491
(Laughter)

197
00:09:55,491 --> 00:09:56,734
quite a lot.

198
00:09:56,734 --> 00:09:57,977
(Laughter)

199
00:10:00,741 --> 00:10:03,491
and coming to the conclusion of "Why not?"

200
00:09:57,977 --> 00:10:00,741
It's carefully considering 
the current consequences

201
00:10:03,495 --> 00:10:07,535
Maybe that's why I almost joined
the pole dancing society at uni,

202
00:10:07,535 --> 00:10:11,739
or decided to try rapping
for my German speaking presentation,

203
00:10:11,739 --> 00:10:14,969
or ended up stripping
for my German speaking presentation

204
00:10:14,969 --> 00:10:16,394
(Laughter)

205
00:10:16,394 --> 00:10:20,217
or was one mark off a first
for my German speaking presentation!

206
00:10:20,217 --> 00:10:22,983
Or, emerging from the sea 
freezing cold and nearly naked,

207
00:10:22,983 --> 00:10:25,403
a little part of me 
cannot help but feel amazing.

208
00:10:25,403 --> 00:10:29,493
Even if, by this point, 
one of my flip-flops slipped off,

209
00:10:29,493 --> 00:10:32,522
tracky bottoms got so sodden 
they had to be ripped off,

210
00:10:32,522 --> 00:10:35,602
t-shirt and towel were teasing the tide
and ended up a bit got,

211
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:38,702
so now I'm just in muddy trunks
and fiending for a chip shop.

212
00:10:38,702 --> 00:10:42,503
But the guardian of the pier is there
to make sure I stay put.

213
00:10:42,503 --> 00:10:46,303
He says, "You cannot come in here,
you might get splinters in your foot."

214
00:10:46,303 --> 00:10:48,143
(Laughter)

215
00:10:50,763 --> 00:10:53,983
Now, in a West Country accent 
you can say anything.

216
00:10:53,983 --> 00:10:56,133
It's very difficult to sound menacing.

217
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,263
(Laughter)

218
00:10:57,263 --> 00:11:01,176
But I realise at this point
this place ain't quite what I thought.

219
00:11:01,176 --> 00:11:04,176
There is something inherently creepy
about a seaside resort

220
00:11:04,176 --> 00:11:07,026
at night time in the middle of winter.

221
00:11:07,026 --> 00:11:12,580
So I think it might be time to go home,
but the next train isn't for three hours,

222
00:11:12,580 --> 00:11:15,390
and by that point, 
I would definitely be dead.

223
00:11:15,390 --> 00:11:16,402
(Laughter)

224
00:11:16,402 --> 00:11:19,133
So instead, I valiantly vow 
to continue with my quest.

225
00:11:19,133 --> 00:11:21,713
Some people want to get rich,
some want to get famous.

226
00:11:21,713 --> 00:11:23,213
I just want to get dressed.

227
00:11:23,213 --> 00:11:26,593
After getting kicked out of New Look,
which was probably for the best,

228
00:11:26,593 --> 00:11:30,163
I'd like to stress, other than death,
I only had one option left

229
00:11:30,163 --> 00:11:35,773
and usually my innate fashion sense,
powerful street cred,

230
00:11:35,773 --> 00:11:39,006
or inspirational moral fibre
might prevent what happened next,

231
00:11:39,006 --> 00:11:42,696
but these are running low
and everywhere is closed,

232
00:11:42,696 --> 00:11:48,436
so, "Let's all go to Tesco,
where Harry buys his best clothes,

233
00:11:48,436 --> 00:11:52,356
la, la, la, la, na, na, na, na.

234
00:11:52,356 --> 00:11:57,056
They sell dressing gowns and flip-flops
I'm desperately in need of

235
00:11:57,056 --> 00:12:01,476
na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na."

236
00:12:01,476 --> 00:12:03,144
Every little helps!

237
00:12:03,144 --> 00:12:04,634
(Laughter)

238
00:12:04,634 --> 00:12:08,274
I love the beach,
and I love swimming in the sea.

239
00:12:08,274 --> 00:12:11,041
I love having adventures
because I love feeling free.

240
00:12:11,041 --> 00:12:13,851
I love people who are up 
for stuff and spontaneity.

241
00:12:13,851 --> 00:12:17,481
The truth is I love life,
and I love people who love life like me.

242
00:12:17,481 --> 00:12:22,021
Sometimes it's for the glory,
sometimes it's for the story,

243
00:12:22,021 --> 00:12:25,270
mostly it's because I believe
we weren't made to be ordinary.

244
00:12:25,270 --> 00:12:29,100
So, at the end of the day, 
what's done is done,

245
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:31,850
and nothing beats fun because fun is fun

246
00:12:31,850 --> 00:12:35,536
and stuff is approximately 40% 
more fun in a dressing gown.

247
00:12:35,536 --> 00:12:37,516
(Laughter)

248
00:12:37,516 --> 00:12:40,106
Especially if you're naked underneath.

249
00:12:40,106 --> 00:12:41,576
(Laughter)

250
00:12:41,576 --> 00:12:45,956
Imagine the fun that you're having,
and then adding the feeling of fleece.

251
00:12:45,956 --> 00:12:47,466
(Laughter)

252
00:12:51,986 --> 00:12:56,315
Combine that with a cool breeze
and the fact I love feeling free.

253
00:12:56,315 --> 00:13:00,415
It is having the audacity 
to find out quite a lot.

254
00:13:00,415 --> 00:13:03,550
It is carefully considering
the current consequences

255
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:07,300
and coming to the conclusion of "Why not?"

256
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:08,791
Thank you.

257
00:13:08,791 --> 00:13:10,380
(Applause)