0:00:13.954,0:00:15.674
Went to China Town;

0:00:16.762,0:00:18.842
there were too many bright lights,

0:00:19.508,0:00:21.998
asked them to dim sum.

0:00:21.998,0:00:24.527
(Laughter)

0:00:24.527,0:00:26.777
Thought I'd start with a haiku.

0:00:26.777,0:00:28.537
(Laughter)

0:00:30.537,0:00:34.997
Hello, I'm Harry, [br]and it's nice to be back.

0:00:34.997,0:00:38.992
I'm about to finish my degree [br]at the University of Bristol,

0:00:38.992,0:00:42.858
and so I'd like to share [br]a couple of poems from that time.

0:00:42.858,0:00:47.708
This first one is called[br]"How I fell in love at Freshers' Fair",

0:00:47.708,0:00:51.282
and I'd like to dedicate it [br]to the genius in Bristol

0:00:51.282,0:00:55.853
who opened a late night kebab van[br]and called it Jason Doner Van.

0:00:55.853,0:00:57.593
(Laughter)

0:01:04.238,0:01:07.958
"We locked eyes from across the room.

0:01:07.958,0:01:09.398
Her smile drew me in

0:01:09.398,0:01:13.288
like the smell of Jason Doner Van[br]on a Saturday night.

0:01:13.288,0:01:15.983
I walk over before I realize [br]what I'm doing.

0:01:15.983,0:01:20.513
Heart dancing awkwardly[br]like Jason Donovan on a Saturday night.

0:01:20.513,0:01:24.764
They called her Bex, [br]breathtaking Bex, brilliant Bex;

0:01:24.764,0:01:26.954
one look, I'm already erect

0:01:26.954,0:01:30.054
on my neck... the hairs...

0:01:30.054,0:01:32.035
It's poetic!

0:01:32.035,0:01:34.906
That's right Bex, [br]beautiful Bex, brilliant Bex,

0:01:34.906,0:01:36.746
one look and I'm thinking of sex.

0:01:36.746,0:01:38.266
She [won't put] on a set theory

0:01:38.266,0:01:41.425
that states, at this stage, [br]we can't really define what a set is.

0:01:41.425,0:01:43.115
But even a naive understanding[br]of a selection of elements

0:01:43.115,0:01:44.355
leads to various paradoxes

0:01:44.355,0:01:46.705
like the set of all sets[br]couldn't really be a set

0:01:46.705,0:01:48.605
otherwise it'd have to include itself.

0:01:48.605,0:01:51.475
And if I said she'd the beauty[br]of all the women in the world

0:01:51.475,0:01:53.515
it would lead to a similar contradiction,

0:01:53.515,0:01:55.835
but if she was a set [br]she would be fine-ite.

0:01:56.499,0:02:01.409
Bex. She puts bubbles [br]in my stomach, like Beck's.

0:02:03.509,0:02:07.239
Bex, we all agree [br]that she's attractive like Beck's.

0:02:07.239,0:02:10.158
I want to send her a text[br]that ends in an x

0:02:10.158,0:02:13.239
maybe even a smiley face[br]so I could pretend that was fun.

0:02:13.239,0:02:16.161
And as her lips begin to part

0:02:16.161,0:02:18.752
like crowded lifts with stinky farts

0:02:19.750,0:02:25.090
she asks, "Have you ever [br]considered pole dancing?"

0:02:27.748,0:02:31.428
I tell her, "Not really, [br]I'm not really that bloke."

0:02:31.428,0:02:33.698
She said, "Girls love it [br]when guys come along."

0:02:33.698,0:02:34.958
I said, "That's a joke.

0:02:34.958,0:02:37.793
Surely any guy that goes [br]to Pole-Soc must be a pervert,

0:02:37.793,0:02:40.513
a confused Eastern European,

0:02:42.656,0:02:43.696
or both.

0:02:44.750,0:02:47.150
She maintains it's a great way [br]to stay in shape,

0:02:47.150,0:02:50.701
and there's a free taster session[br]where you can discover your potential.

0:02:50.701,0:02:54.191
In my head I'm thinking [br]less LA Fitness, more LA Confidential.

0:02:54.191,0:02:56.861
By which I mean [br]the scummy Gentlemen's Club in Ealing

0:02:56.861,0:02:59.821
not the 1997 Kevin Spacey crime thriller.

0:02:59.821,0:03:03.155
Either way, I say, "I do not think [br]I have the arm strength."

0:03:03.825,0:03:06.735
At which point, a mate chimes in,[br]"Show him your arms, Bex."

0:03:06.735,0:03:12.005
Now imagine Popeye, on steroids,[br]seen through a fisheye lens,

0:03:12.005,0:03:13.917
but beautiful.

0:03:13.917,0:03:17.507
And it's the first week of the term[br]so I didn't have many friends.

0:03:17.507,0:03:21.934
Well, it's the first week of term[br]so I didn't have any friends.

0:03:21.934,0:03:25.021
So it's nice that's someone[br]that wants to talk to me.

0:03:25.021,0:03:26.885
Especially when she's pretty.

0:03:26.885,0:03:29.495
So I carry on this conversation[br]even though I'm iffy.

0:03:29.495,0:03:33.585
For every perfectly reasonable question[br]there is an equally reasonable answer

0:03:33.585,0:03:37.015
regardless of the the fact[br]that I'd be the world's worst pole dancer.

0:03:37.015,0:03:39.521
I ask her if she'll be there.

0:03:39.521,0:03:44.765
And this is what she said,[br]"I can give you your own personal lesson."

0:03:44.765,0:03:47.645
Obviously, I play it cool[br]like I see all my friends are doing

0:03:47.645,0:03:49.725
but I am definitely[br]at this taster session.

0:03:49.725,0:03:50.979
(Laughter)

0:03:50.979,0:03:53.492
if only so I'm united with Bex.

0:03:53.492,0:03:57.112
Oh Bex, bewitching Bex, beguiling Bex,

0:03:57.112,0:04:01.922
I should have expected [br]what happened next, bloody Bex.

0:04:02.712,0:04:05.244
There are 50 people[br]at this taster session,

0:04:05.244,0:04:08.114
and I didn't really have to be[br]a week into my maths degree

0:04:08.114,0:04:10.504
to work out I was the only boy.

0:04:10.504,0:04:11.746
(Laughter)

0:04:11.746,0:04:14.856
And despite all those flirtatious lies [br]Bex had said to me

0:04:14.856,0:04:18.185
that's precisely the way it's meant to be[br]'cause after the third time,

0:04:18.185,0:04:21.375
the instructor addresses [br]everyone as "ladies"

0:04:21.375,0:04:24.721
followed by an apologetic smile [br]in my direction.

0:04:24.721,0:04:27.699
I realise I'm about to spend [br]the next 55 minutes

0:04:27.699,0:04:29.529
trying to hide my...

0:04:30.717,0:04:32.207
...embarrassment.

0:04:32.207,0:04:33.532
(Laughter)

0:04:33.532,0:04:35.132
Not only do I stand out

0:04:35.132,0:04:38.519
because of my stand out[br]Adam's apple,

0:04:38.519,0:04:40.943
I am also noticeably terrible

0:04:40.943,0:04:43.588
which can't be helped by the fact

0:04:43.588,0:04:47.488
that my palms are sweaty, [br]knees weak, arms are heavy.

0:04:47.498,0:04:50.133
There are friction burns[br]on my calves already.

0:04:50.133,0:04:52.703
I'm nervous, but on the surface [br]I look calm and ready

0:04:52.703,0:04:53.933
to pole dance

0:04:53.933,0:04:56.324
but I keep on forgetting that I can't.

0:04:56.324,0:04:57.944
(Laughter)

0:04:57.944,0:05:01.414
So once again, I jump and swing,[br]and knees slam into laminate flooring

0:05:01.414,0:05:05.754
causing even more bruising [br]of my ego and knees.

0:05:05.755,0:05:08.325
Bex makes her way over[br]for that lesson she promised me

0:05:08.325,0:05:10.835
and whilst I still very much [br]appreciate her company

0:05:10.835,0:05:13.425
her comments of, [br]"I can't believe you actually came!"

0:05:13.425,0:05:15.350
do little to encourage me.

0:05:15.350,0:05:16.355
(Laughter)

0:05:16.355,0:05:19.336
And as the Pole-Soc Social Sec[br]announces the end of the session

0:05:19.336,0:05:22.256
any breath that I have left[br]forms an almighty sigh of relief.

0:05:22.256,0:05:24.767
Any dreams or delusions[br]that haven't been crushed yet

0:05:24.767,0:05:26.407
are soon to be [expelled]

0:05:26.407,0:05:30.367
She says, "We've got a couple[br]of socials coming up.

0:05:30.367,0:05:34.383
Next week there's a joint pub crawl [br]with the American Football Team.

0:05:34.383,0:05:38.280
The next month there's the annual [br]Pole-Soc photo calendar shoot.

0:05:38.280,0:05:43.121
And as she hands out last year's calendars[br]of sexy girls in lingerie,

0:05:43.121,0:05:45.941
I share a look with Bex that says [br]everything I want to say

0:05:45.941,0:05:50.151
because my mum brought me up [br]believing in equality of gender.

0:05:50.151,0:05:54.529
And as much as I would love for this face[br]to represent November

0:05:54.529,0:05:56.499
(Laughter)

0:05:56.499,0:05:59.948
it's not quite worth [br]the 15-pound registration fee.

0:05:59.948,0:06:02.338
(Laughter)

0:06:02.338,0:06:05.278
Even if it does come [br]with a free pair of hot pants!

0:06:05.278,0:06:09.298
So as I make my way to a free meal[br]put on by the Christian Union,

0:06:09.298,0:06:11.138
show them my hairless sections of leg,

0:06:11.138,0:06:14.394
and tell them that Pole Fitness[br]is a legitimate form of exercise,

0:06:14.394,0:06:16.064
and it's difficult,

0:06:16.064,0:06:19.920
I tell myself I need to start [br]learning to say no to stuff

0:06:19.920,0:06:22.828
or at least bring a friend [br]with me next year.

0:06:22.828,0:06:23.979
Cheers.

0:06:23.979,0:06:25.283
(Applause)

0:06:29.969,0:06:31.329
I grew up in London,

0:06:31.329,0:06:34.242
and one of the best things [br]about growing up in London

0:06:34.242,0:06:37.924
is whenever you go anywhere else[br]it seems very friendly

0:06:38.974,0:06:40.504
(Laughter)

0:06:40.504,0:06:42.508
and Bristol was no exception.

0:06:42.508,0:06:45.670
And the other thing about Bristol[br]in comparison with London

0:06:45.670,0:06:48.500
is that it was relatively close [br]to the beach.

0:06:48.500,0:06:50.242
It just happens that the beach

0:06:50.242,0:06:53.892
that it was relatively close to[br]was Weston-super-Mare.

0:06:53.892,0:06:54.972
(Laughter)

0:06:54.972,0:06:58.512
These people have been [br]to Weston-super-Mare!

0:06:58.512,0:07:01.149
But term started in September-October.

0:07:01.149,0:07:02.609
I was really excited,

0:07:02.609,0:07:05.789
but I thought we should probably wait[br]till the appropriate time.

0:07:05.789,0:07:08.549
So this is a poem about [br]what happened when we did go,

0:07:08.549,0:07:11.017
and it's called[br]"Weston-super-Nightmare".

0:07:11.017,0:07:13.147
(Laughter)

0:07:14.927,0:07:16.817
Picture the scene:

0:07:17.483,0:07:19.799
a group of giggling teens.

0:07:19.799,0:07:21.249
Two on the left and the right,

0:07:21.249,0:07:23.569
you're in the middle with me,[br]riddled with glee.

0:07:23.569,0:07:24.599
So excited,

0:07:24.599,0:07:27.210
you're worried that the piddle [br]will be trickling free

0:07:27.210,0:07:29.120
warming up that back bit of your knee

0:07:29.120,0:07:32.730
but you hold out;[br]now very aware that it is cold out

0:07:32.734,0:07:37.114
and wearing just swimming trunks,[br]flip-flops, and a t-shirt feels bold now.

0:07:37.114,0:07:39.964
It looked a lot warmer out the window.

0:07:39.964,0:07:43.310
But when you're inside it's difficult [br]to know how the wind blows

0:07:43.310,0:07:45.920
and right now there's [br]mini-hurricanes around my shins.

0:07:45.920,0:07:50.840
So this was the plan: go in, arms out, [br]maybe get a bit of a tan,

0:07:50.840,0:07:53.960
and then race across the glistening [br]sand, flip-flops in hand,

0:07:53.960,0:07:55.420
and swim about.

0:07:55.420,0:07:57.380
Bring a towel, be in and out by sunset;

0:07:57.380,0:08:01.500
then, while it's hot, start drying off,[br]let everything get un-wet and rewarm.

0:08:01.508,0:08:03.168
But that ain't how it goes,

0:08:03.168,0:08:05.518
and so you wish [br]you could have been prewarned

0:08:05.518,0:08:09.388
that it's the 25th of February

0:08:10.473,0:08:14.183
and just 'cause it's the first day[br]the sun has properly come out in ages

0:08:14.183,0:08:17.273
that don't change the fact [br]that it's technically winter,

0:08:17.273,0:08:19.878
and it's a lot colder than you thought.

0:08:19.878,0:08:22.488
Even with that towel [br]around your shoulders for support

0:08:22.488,0:08:25.368
and that spare pair of trousers[br]that're now over your shorts,

0:08:25.368,0:08:26.428
you've just arrived,

0:08:26.428,0:08:30.188
and you're already wearing all the clothes[br]you brought, and you are still cold.

0:08:30.188,0:08:32.748
You realise sometimes, [br]we do things that are stupid

0:08:32.748,0:08:34.768
just so we don't feel old.

0:08:34.768,0:08:37.662
I'm 20 in a couple of weeks.

0:08:37.662,0:08:40.153
And to remedy this[br]everybody's come to the beach.

0:08:40.153,0:08:42.283
There's Vanessa, Rebecca, [br]Mandala McGregor,

0:08:42.283,0:08:43.732
Suzie, Sue, James and us,

0:08:43.732,0:08:45.903
and whatever the weather[br]we're in it together

0:08:45.903,0:08:47.333
so why bother making a fuss?

0:08:47.333,0:08:51.333
Weston-super-Mare[br]a.k.a. Weston-super-Mud.

0:08:51.333,0:08:54.261
My foot hits the ground[br]with the less than super thud;

0:08:54.261,0:08:56.521
more of a squelch if I'm honest.

0:08:56.521,0:08:58.590
But I honestly don't care a bit.

0:08:58.590,0:09:02.463
I'm knee deep in faeces,[br]I'm very much aware of it,

0:09:02.463,0:09:06.283
but I'm the type of guy [br]that likes to see the sights.

0:09:06.283,0:09:09.557
So as we're beside the seaside[br]me and Mandy decide

0:09:09.557,0:09:12.007
we won't leave till we've tried the ocean.

0:09:12.007,0:09:13.387
Stop motion.

0:09:13.387,0:09:15.677
Snapshot of us mouths open

0:09:15.677,0:09:18.497
desperately trying not to swallow mud.

0:09:18.497,0:09:20.214
Not quite full hippopotamus,

0:09:20.214,0:09:23.244
but there're bits of sludge[br]going in and around the lot of us.

0:09:23.244,0:09:26.934
No concept of worrying about tomorrow,[br]just wallowing in what's left of today

0:09:26.934,0:09:30.754
'cause today is potentially adventurey,

0:09:30.754,0:09:33.588
and 100% of me, fundamentally believes

0:09:33.588,0:09:36.628
the fun is meant to be done inventively

0:09:36.628,0:09:39.357
and whenever and wherever possible.

0:09:39.357,0:09:44.236
That doesn't mean drunken teens [br][vomiting up] and screaming, "Yolo!"

0:09:44.236,0:09:49.659
That's as a kid thinking, [br]"How laxative exactly is a pack of Polos?"

0:09:50.969,0:09:54.381
And actually having [br]the audacity to find out

0:09:54.381,0:09:55.491
(Laughter)

0:09:55.491,0:09:56.734
quite a lot.

0:09:56.734,0:09:57.977
(Laughter)

0:10:00.741,0:10:03.491
and coming to the conclusion of "Why not?"

0:09:57.977,0:10:00.741
It's carefully considering [br]the current consequences

0:10:03.495,0:10:07.535
Maybe that's why I almost joined[br]the pole dancing society at uni,

0:10:07.535,0:10:11.739
or decided to try rapping[br]for my German speaking presentation,

0:10:11.739,0:10:14.969
or ended up stripping[br]for my German speaking presentation

0:10:14.969,0:10:16.394
(Laughter)

0:10:16.394,0:10:20.217
or was one mark off a first[br]for my German speaking presentation!

0:10:20.217,0:10:22.983
Or, emerging from the sea [br]freezing cold and nearly naked,

0:10:22.983,0:10:25.403
a little part of me [br]cannot help but feel amazing.

0:10:25.403,0:10:29.493
Even if, by this point, [br]one of my flip-flops slipped off,

0:10:29.493,0:10:32.522
tracky bottoms got so sodden [br]they had to be ripped off,

0:10:32.522,0:10:35.602
t-shirt and towel were teasing the tide[br]and ended up a bit got,

0:10:35.602,0:10:38.702
so now I'm just in muddy trunks[br]and fiending for a chip shop.

0:10:38.702,0:10:42.503
But the guardian of the pier is there[br]to make sure I stay put.

0:10:42.503,0:10:46.303
He says, "You cannot come in here,[br]you might get splinters in your foot."

0:10:46.303,0:10:48.143
(Laughter)

0:10:50.763,0:10:53.983
Now, in a West Country accent [br]you can say anything.

0:10:53.983,0:10:56.133
It's very difficult to sound menacing.

0:10:56.133,0:10:57.263
(Laughter)

0:10:57.263,0:11:01.176
But I realise at this point[br]this place ain't quite what I thought.

0:11:01.176,0:11:04.176
There is something inherently creepy[br]about a seaside resort

0:11:04.176,0:11:07.026
at night time in the middle of winter.

0:11:07.026,0:11:12.580
So I think it might be time to go home,[br]but the next train isn't for three hours,

0:11:12.580,0:11:15.390
and by that point, [br]I would definitely be dead.

0:11:15.390,0:11:16.402
(Laughter)

0:11:16.402,0:11:19.133
So instead, I valiantly vow [br]to continue with my quest.

0:11:19.133,0:11:21.713
Some people want to get rich,[br]some want to get famous.

0:11:21.713,0:11:23.213
I just want to get dressed.

0:11:23.213,0:11:26.593
After getting kicked out of New Look,[br]which was probably for the best,

0:11:26.593,0:11:30.163
I'd like to stress, other than death,[br]I only had one option left

0:11:30.163,0:11:35.773
and usually my innate fashion sense,[br]powerful street cred,

0:11:35.773,0:11:39.006
or inspirational moral fibre[br]might prevent what happened next,

0:11:39.006,0:11:42.696
but these are running low[br]and everywhere is closed,

0:11:42.696,0:11:48.436
so, "Let's all go to Tesco,[br]where Harry buys his best clothes,

0:11:48.436,0:11:52.356
la, la, la, la, na, na, na, na.

0:11:52.356,0:11:57.056
They sell dressing gowns and flip-flops[br]I'm desperately in need of

0:11:57.056,0:12:01.476
na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na."

0:12:01.476,0:12:03.144
Every little helps!

0:12:03.144,0:12:04.634
(Laughter)

0:12:04.634,0:12:08.274
I love the beach,[br]and I love swimming in the sea.

0:12:08.274,0:12:11.041
I love having adventures[br]because I love feeling free.

0:12:11.041,0:12:13.851
I love people who are up [br]for stuff and spontaneity.

0:12:13.851,0:12:17.481
The truth is I love life,[br]and I love people who love life like me.

0:12:17.481,0:12:22.021
Sometimes it's for the glory,[br]sometimes it's for the story,

0:12:22.021,0:12:25.270
mostly it's because I believe[br]we weren't made to be ordinary.

0:12:25.270,0:12:29.100
So, at the end of the day, [br]what's done is done,

0:12:29.100,0:12:31.850
and nothing beats fun because fun is fun

0:12:31.850,0:12:35.536
and stuff is approximately 40% [br]more fun in a dressing gown.

0:12:35.536,0:12:37.516
(Laughter)

0:12:37.516,0:12:40.106
Especially if you're naked underneath.

0:12:40.106,0:12:41.576
(Laughter)

0:12:41.576,0:12:45.956
Imagine the fun that you're having,[br]and then adding the feeling of fleece.

0:12:45.956,0:12:47.466
(Laughter)

0:12:51.986,0:12:56.315
Combine that with a cool breeze[br]and the fact I love feeling free.

0:12:56.315,0:13:00.415
It is having the audacity [br]to find out quite a lot.

0:13:00.415,0:13:03.550
It is carefully considering[br]the current consequences

0:13:03.550,0:13:07.300
and coming to the conclusion of "Why not?"

0:13:07.300,0:13:08.791
Thank you.

0:13:08.791,0:13:10.380
(Applause)