0:00:09.579,0:00:10.850 So, what is empathy, 0:00:11.149,0:00:13.930 and why is it very different than sympathy? 0:00:14.710,0:00:15.479 Empathy 0:00:15.649,0:00:17.020 fuels connection. 0:00:17.139,0:00:19.719 Sympathy drives disconnection. 0:00:20.270,0:00:25.829 Empathy is very interesting. Teresa Wiseman is a nursing scholar who studied 0:00:26.069,0:00:27.159 professions, 0:00:27.170,0:00:29.600 very diverse professions where empathy is relevant and 0:00:29.610,0:00:32.310 came up with four qualities of empathy. Perspective, 0:00:32.319,0:00:32.869 taking 0:00:33.619,0:00:35.310 the ability to take the perspective of another 0:00:35.319,0:00:38.349 person or recognize their perspective as their truth. 0:00:38.360,0:00:42.229 Staying out of judgment, not easy when you enjoy it as much as most of us do. 0:00:44.189,0:00:47.279 Recognizing emotion in other people and then communicating that. 0:00:47.919,0:00:48.720 Empathy 0:00:49.000,0:00:50.849 is feeling with people. 0:00:51.849,0:00:56.020 And to me, I always think of empathy as this kind of sacred space 0:00:56.240,0:01:01.090 when someone's kind of in a deep hole and they shout out from the bottom and they say 0:01:01.270,0:01:04.029 "I'm stuck, it's dark, I'm overwhelmed." 0:01:04.040,0:01:08.080 And then, we look and we say, "Hey—you climb down— 0:01:08.500,0:01:10.000 I know what it's like down here, 0:01:10.459,0:01:11.339 and you're not alone." 0:01:12.160,0:01:13.449 Sympathy is, 0:01:14.319,0:01:14.410 "Oh, 0:01:15.910,0:01:17.000 it's bad. Uh-huh." 0:01:18.180,0:01:20.370 "Uh... No." 0:01:20.690,0:01:22.160 "You want a sandwich?" 0:01:22.470,0:01:23.089 Umm... 0:01:24.360,0:01:26.669 Empathy is a choice, and it's a vulnerable 0:01:26.680,0:01:29.059 choice because in order to connect with you, 0:01:29.150,0:01:33.449 I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling. 0:01:34.199,0:01:39.110 Rarely if ever does an empathic response begin with at least 0:01:41.120,0:01:42.250 I had a, yeah... 0:01:42.930,0:01:45.379 And we do it all the time because you know what, 0:01:45.389,0:01:48.620 someone just shared something with us that's incredibly painful, 0:01:49.029,0:01:52.180 and we're trying to silver lining it. I don't think that's a verb, 0:01:52.739,0:01:53.860 but I'm using it as one. 0:01:54.510,0:01:56.800 We're trying to put the silver lining around it. So, 0:01:57.019,0:01:58.879 I had a miscarriage. 0:01:59.440,0:02:02.910 At least, you know, you can get pregnant. I think my marriage is falling apart. 0:02:03.279,0:02:05.120 At least you have a marriage. 0:02:09.059,0:02:13.259 John's getting kicked out of school. At least Sarah is an A student. 0:02:13.319,0:02:19.828 But one of the things we do sometimes in the face of very difficult conversations 0:02:20.199,0:02:22.089 is we try to make things better. 0:02:22.358,0:02:25.988 If I share something with you that's very difficult, I'd rather you say, 0:02:27.210,0:02:29.740 "I don't even know what to say right now. I'm just so glad you told me." 0:02:31.350,0:02:35.750 Because the truth is rarely can a response make something better. 0:02:36.020,0:02:38.160 What makes something better is connection.