Today I stand before you as a man who lives life to the full
in the here and now.
But for a long time,
I lived for death.
I was a young man who believed
that Jihad is to be understood in the language for force and violence.
I tried to right wrongs through power and aggression.
I had deep concerns for the suffering of others
and a strong desire to help and bring relief to them.
I thought violent Jihad was noble,
chivalrous
and the best way to help.
At a time when so many of our people --
young people especially --
are at risk of radicalization
through groups like Al-Qaeda,
Islamic State
and others,
when these groups are claiming
that their horrific brutality and violence are true Jihad,
I want to say that their idea of Jihad is wrong --
completely wrong --
as was mine, then.
Jihad means to strive to one's utmost.
It includes exertion and spirituality,
self-purification
and devotion.
It refers to positive transformation
through learning, wisdom and remembrance of God.
The word Jihad stands for all those meanings as a whole.
Jihad may at times take the form of fighting,
but only sometimes,
under strict conditions,
within rules and limits.
In Islam,
the benefit of an act must outweigh the harm or hardship it entails.
More importantly,
the verses in the Koran that are connected to Jihad [of] fighting,
do not cancel out the verses that talk about forgiveness,
benevolence,
or patience.
But now I believe that there are no circumstances on Earth
where a violent Jihad is permissible,
because it will lead to greater harm.
But now the idea of Jihad has been hijacked.
It has been perverted to mean violent struggle
wherever Muslims are undergoing difficulties,
and turned into terrorism
by fascistic Islamists like Al Qaeda,
Islamic State
and others.
But I have come to understand
that true Jihad means striving to the utmost
to strengthen and live those qualities which God loves:
honesty,
trustworthiness,
compassion, benevolence,
reliability, respect,
truthfulness --
human values that so many of us share.
I was born in Bangladesh,
but grew up mostly in England.
And I went to school here.
My father was an academic,
and we were in the UK through his work.
In 1971 we were in Bangladesh when everything changed.
The War of Independence impacted upon us terribly,
pitting family against family;
neighbor against neighbor.
And at the age of 12 I experience war,
destitution in my family,
the deaths of 22 of my relatives in horrible ways,
as well as the murder of my elder brother.
I witnessed killing;
animals feeding on corpses in the street;
starvation all around me;
wanton, horrific violence --
senseless violence.
I was a young man --
teenager --
fascinated by ideas.
I wanted to learn,
but I could not go to school for four years.
After the War of Independence,
my father was put in prison for two-and-a-half years,
and I used to visit him every week in prison,
and homeschooled myself.
My father was released in 1973
and he fled to England as a refugee,
and we soon followed him.
I was 17.
So these experiences gave me
a sharp awareness of the atrocities and injustices in the world.
And I had a strong desire --
a very keen, deep desire --
to right wrongs
and help the victims of oppression.
While studying at college in the UK,
I met others who showed me how I could channel that desire
and help through my religion.
And I was radicalized --
enough to consider violence correct,
even a virtue under certain circumstances.
So I became involved in the Jihad in Afghanistan.
I wanted to protect the Muslim [av gone] population against the Soviet army.
And I thought that was Jihad:
my sacred duty,
which would be rewarded by God.
I became a preacher.
I was one of the pioneers of violent Jihad in the UK.
I recruited,
I raised funds,
I trained.
I confused true Jihad with this perversion as presented by the fascist Islamists --
these people who use the idea of Jihad
to justify their lust for power, authority and control on us.
A perversion perpetuated today by fascist Islamic groups
like Al-Qaeda, Islamic State and others.
For a period of around 15 years,
I fought for short periods of time in Kasmir and Burma,
besides Afghanistan.
Our aim was to remove the invaders;
to bring relief to the oppressed victims,
and of course to establish an Islamic State,
a [califate] for God's rule.
And I did this openly.
I didn't break any laws.
I was proud and grateful to be British --
I still am.
And I bore no hostility against this, my country,
nor enmity towards the non-Muslim citizens,
and I still don't.
During one batter in Afghanistan,
some British men and I formed a special bond
with a 15-year-old Afghani boy,
Abdullah.
An innocent, loving and lovable kid
who was always eager to please.
He was poor.
And boys like him did menial tasks in the camp.
And he seemed happy enough,
but I couldn't help wonder,
his parents must have missed him dearly.
And they must have dreamt about a better future for him.
A victim of circumstance caught up in a war,
cruelly thrust upon him
by the cruel circumstances of the time.
One day I picked up this unexploded mortar shell in a trench,
and I had it deposited in a makeshift mud hut lab.
And I went out on a short, pointless skirmish --
always pointless --
and I came back a few hours later
to discover he was dead.
He had tried to recover explosives from that shell.
It exploded and he died a violent death,
blown to bit by the very same device that had proved harmless to me.
So I started to question.
How did his death serve any purpose?
Why did he die and I lived?
I carried on.
I fought in Kashmir.
I also recruited from the Philipines,
Bosnia and Chechnya.
And the questions grew.
Later in Burma,
I came across [Rohinga] fighters,
who are barely teenagers,
born and brought up in the jungle,
carrying machine guns and grenade launches.
I met two 13-year-olds with soft manners and gentle voices,
looking at me they begged me to take them away to England.
They simply wanted to go to school.
That was their dream.
My family --
my children were the same age --
were living at home in the UK,
going to school,
living a safe life.
And I couldn't help wonder
how much these young boys must have spoken to one another
about their dreams for such a life.
Victims of circumstances.
These two young boys,
sleeping rough on the ground,
looking up at the stars,
cynically exploited by their leaders
for their personal lust for glory and power.
I soon witnessed boys like them killing one another
in conflicts between rival groups.
And it was the same everywhere:
Afghanistan, Kashmir, Burma,
Philipines, Chechnya;
petty warlords got the young and vulnerable to kill one another
in the name of Jihad.
Muslims against Muslims.
Not protecting anyone against invaders or occupiers,
not bringing relief to the oppressed.
Children being used,
cynically exploited,
people dying in conflicts which I was supporting in the name of Jihad.
And it still carries on today.
Realizing that the violent Jihad I had engaged in abroad
was so different,
such a chasm between what I had experienced
and what I thought was sacred duty,
I had to reflect on my activities here in the UK.
I had to consider my preaching,
recruiting,
fundraising,
training,
but most importantly, radicalizing --
sending young people to fight and die
as I was doing all totally wrong.
So I got involved in violent Jihad in the mid-'80s,
starting with Afghanistan.
And by the time I finished it was the year 2000.
I was completely immersed in it.
All around me people supported,
applauded,
even celebrated what we were doing in their name.
But by the time I learned to get out,
completely disillusioned in the year 2000,
15 years had passed.
So what goes wrong?
We were so busy talking about virtue,
and we were blinded by a cause.
And we did not give ourselves a chance to develop a virtuous character.
We told ourselves we were fighting for the oppressed,
but these were un-winable wars.
We became the very instrument through which more deaths occurred,
complicit in causing further misery
for the selfish benefit of the cruel few.
So over time --
a very long time --
I opened my eyes.
I began to dare to face the truth,
to think,
to face the hard questions.
I got in touch with my soul.
What have I learned?
That people who engage in violent Jihadism,
that people who are drawn to these types of extremisms,
are not that different to everyone else.
But I believe such people can change.
They can regain their hearts and restore them
by filling them with human values that heal.
When we ignore the realities,
we discover that accept what we are told without critical reflection.
I will ignore the gifts and advantages that many of us would cherish
even for a single moment in their lives.
I engaged in actions I thought were correct.
But now I began to question how I knew what I knew.
I endlessly told others to accept the truth,
but I failed to give doubt its rightful place.
This conviction that people can change is rooted in my experience,
my own journey.
Through wide reading,
reflecting,
contemplation,
self-knowledge,
I discovered --
I realized that Islamists' world of us and them is false and unjust.
Through considering the uncertainties in all that we had asserted,
to the inviolable truths --
incontestable truths --
I developed a more nuanced understanding.
I realized that in a world crowded with variation and contradiction,
foolish preachers --
only foolish preachers like I used to be --
see no paradox in the myths and fictions they use to assert authenticity.
So I understood the vital importance of self-knowledge,
politcal awareness
and the necessity for a deep and wide understanding of our committments
and our actions,
how the effect others.
So my plea today to everyone,
especially those who sincerely believe in Islamist Jihadism,
refuse dogmatic authority;
let go of anger, hatred and violence;
learn to right wrongs
without even attempting to justify cruel, unjust and futile behavior.
Instead create a few beautiful and useful things
that outlive us.
Approach the world --
life --
with love.
[In all,] learn to develop,
or cultivate your hearts,
to see goodness, beauty and truth in others and in the world.
That way, we do matter more to ourselves;
to each other;
to our communities,
and for me,
to God.
This is Jihad --
my true Jihad.
Thank you.