WEBVTT

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I don't know about you, but

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I'm trying to get this beach body,

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that P90X,

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Brad Pitt,

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Bradley Cooper,

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Tyrese,

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Trey Songz,

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Matthew McConaughey

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beach body!

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I'm trying to sweat in front of everybody.

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Word.

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And get that shorty with them Angelina Jolie lips

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to lick my torso,

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get me looking like a wet chocolate.

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Look at my biceps.

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They're kind of puny.

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They're kind of chunky.

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But I've been working on them.

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We can be models.

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I could take off my shirt mad sexy.

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I could stare at a camera intensely

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for 37 seconds straight and not blink.

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I could bathe in baby oil.

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I could run on the beach in slow motion.

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I could cat walk down a runway in zebra panties.

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I can't do that.

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Having a slow metabolism ruins everything.

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All my friends will be in tank tops,

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and I'll be in a hoodie.

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I'm good at zipping up my insecurities,

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thinking I could sweat them out.

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I'm trying to get this beach body!

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I'm too skinny.

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I guzzle junk food like my mouth's a garbage chute,

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but my intestines are allergic to trans fat.

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I want to be a flexing horse leg,

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galloping beach sand into a red carpet,

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customized for me

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to strut the shore side

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like a centaur on a conveyor belt.

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I'm trying to get this beach body,

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but there is salvation in snack closets,

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on licked plates of seconds,

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at the bottom of a pint of ice cream.

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I use Haagen Dazs as a morphine cylinder

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because she said my arms weren't strong enough to carry her.

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I think I'm weak.

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I think I'm fat.

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I think I'm ugly.

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The beach is no place for a whale like me,

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for a mini van with its tank on E.

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I want to be Baywatch bareable,

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broken, bottle-cut, have you seen my muscles

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and my scars?

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You smell that?

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That's macho moisture.

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My hour-long work out routine consists of

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5 minutes of push-ups on my bedroom floor,

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a denial mirror repelling my lanky limbs;

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5 minutes of keeping my chin high over the bar of self doubt;

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10 minutes placing 100 pounds of failure on my chest

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so it becomes the elephant in the room;

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10 minutes jogging with ghosts

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chuckling at my chunky thighs,

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and I'll smile,

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knowing I'll soon be able to fit in my old butt pants;

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30 minutes thinking sweat is a masculinity cloak.

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And I'm weary from trying to work out my irrational fears,

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drown them in a puddle of perspiration,

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shove the imperfections I should be proud of under water:

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my gap-tooth smile,

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my frizzy hair,

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my funny shaped head,

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the extra weight that kept me grounded,

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the missing pounds that make me

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a kite flailing free through the wind,

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not bound by muscle.

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So, yes,

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I'm trying to get this beach body,

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that Channing Tatum,

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David Beckham,

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LL Cool J

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beach body!

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But we're tired

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and exhausted

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from trying to be something we're not.