1 00:00:15,287 --> 00:00:18,577 I don't know about you, but 2 00:00:18,577 --> 00:00:21,436 I'm trying to get this beach body, 3 00:00:21,436 --> 00:00:23,380 that P90X, 4 00:00:23,380 --> 00:00:25,434 Brad Pitt, 5 00:00:25,434 --> 00:00:27,395 Bradley Cooper, 6 00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:29,431 Tyrese, 7 00:00:29,431 --> 00:00:31,907 Trey Songz, 8 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,841 Matthew McConaughey 9 00:00:34,841 --> 00:00:36,070 beach body! 10 00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:38,140 I'm trying to sweat in front of everybody. 11 00:00:38,140 --> 00:00:38,573 Word. 12 00:00:38,573 --> 00:00:42,130 And get that shorty with them Angelina Jolie lips 13 00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:43,554 to lick my torso, 14 00:00:43,554 --> 00:00:45,966 get me looking like a wet chocolate. 15 00:00:45,966 --> 00:00:48,500 Look at my biceps. 16 00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:50,532 They're kind of puny. 17 00:00:50,532 --> 00:00:52,164 They're kind of chunky. 18 00:00:52,164 --> 00:00:53,789 But I've been working on them. 19 00:00:53,789 --> 00:00:55,057 We can be models. 20 00:00:55,057 --> 00:00:57,661 I could take off my shirt mad sexy. 21 00:00:57,661 --> 00:00:58,956 I could stare at a camera intensely 22 00:00:58,956 --> 00:01:01,398 for 37 seconds straight and not blink. 23 00:01:01,398 --> 00:01:03,301 I could bathe in baby oil. 24 00:01:03,301 --> 00:01:05,134 I could run on the beach in slow motion. 25 00:01:05,134 --> 00:01:10,474 I could cat walk down a runway in zebra panties. 26 00:01:10,474 --> 00:01:12,960 I can't do that. 27 00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,074 Having a slow metabolism ruins everything. 28 00:01:15,074 --> 00:01:16,931 All my friends will be in tank tops, 29 00:01:16,931 --> 00:01:17,898 and I'll be in a hoodie. 30 00:01:17,898 --> 00:01:19,933 I'm good at zipping up my insecurities, 31 00:01:19,933 --> 00:01:21,469 thinking I could sweat them out. 32 00:01:21,469 --> 00:01:23,703 I'm trying to get this beach body! 33 00:01:23,703 --> 00:01:24,838 I'm too skinny. 34 00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:27,642 I guzzle junk food like my mouth's a garbage chute, 35 00:01:27,642 --> 00:01:30,489 but my intestines are allergic to trans fat. 36 00:01:30,489 --> 00:01:32,245 I want to be a flexing horse leg, 37 00:01:32,245 --> 00:01:35,078 galloping beach sand into a red carpet, 38 00:01:35,078 --> 00:01:36,750 customized for me 39 00:01:36,750 --> 00:01:38,218 to strut the shore side 40 00:01:38,218 --> 00:01:40,351 like a centaur on a conveyor belt. 41 00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:42,656 I'm trying to get this beach body, 42 00:01:42,656 --> 00:01:44,798 but there is salvation in snack closets, 43 00:01:44,798 --> 00:01:46,327 on licked plates of seconds, 44 00:01:46,327 --> 00:01:48,526 at the bottom of a pint of ice cream. 45 00:01:48,526 --> 00:01:51,396 I use Haagen Dazs as a morphine cylinder 46 00:01:51,396 --> 00:01:55,269 because she said my arms weren't strong enough to carry her. 47 00:01:55,269 --> 00:01:56,870 I think I'm weak. 48 00:01:56,870 --> 00:01:58,538 I think I'm fat. 49 00:01:58,538 --> 00:01:59,826 I think I'm ugly. 50 00:01:59,826 --> 00:02:02,067 The beach is no place for a whale like me, 51 00:02:02,067 --> 00:02:04,878 for a mini van with its tank on E. 52 00:02:04,878 --> 00:02:06,848 I want to be Baywatch bareable, 53 00:02:06,848 --> 00:02:10,560 broken, bottle-cut, have you seen my muscles 54 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,192 and my scars? 55 00:02:14,299 --> 00:02:16,503 You smell that? 56 00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:18,497 That's macho moisture. 57 00:02:18,497 --> 00:02:20,735 My hour-long work out routine consists of 58 00:02:20,735 --> 00:02:22,837 5 minutes of push-ups on my bedroom floor, 59 00:02:22,837 --> 00:02:25,673 a denial mirror repelling my lanky limbs; 60 00:02:25,673 --> 00:02:28,641 5 minutes of keeping my chin high over the bar of self doubt; 61 00:02:28,641 --> 00:02:31,178 10 minutes placing 100 pounds of failure on my chest 62 00:02:31,178 --> 00:02:33,014 so it becomes the elephant in the room; 63 00:02:33,014 --> 00:02:34,343 10 minutes jogging with ghosts 64 00:02:34,343 --> 00:02:36,130 chuckling at my chunky thighs, 65 00:02:36,130 --> 00:02:37,184 and I'll smile, 66 00:02:37,184 --> 00:02:40,359 knowing I'll soon be able to fit in my old butt pants; 67 00:02:40,359 --> 00:02:43,588 30 minutes thinking sweat is a masculinity cloak. 68 00:02:43,588 --> 00:02:46,660 And I'm weary from trying to work out my irrational fears, 69 00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:48,662 drown them in a puddle of perspiration, 70 00:02:48,662 --> 00:02:52,175 shove the imperfections I should be proud of under water: 71 00:02:52,175 --> 00:02:53,833 my gap-tooth smile, 72 00:02:53,833 --> 00:02:54,799 my frizzy hair, 73 00:02:54,799 --> 00:02:55,935 my funny shaped head, 74 00:02:55,935 --> 00:02:57,972 the extra weight that kept me grounded, 75 00:02:57,972 --> 00:02:59,484 the missing pounds that make me 76 00:02:59,484 --> 00:03:02,138 a kite flailing free through the wind, 77 00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:04,444 not bound by muscle. 78 00:03:04,444 --> 00:03:05,711 So, yes, 79 00:03:05,711 --> 00:03:08,065 I'm trying to get this beach body, 80 00:03:08,065 --> 00:03:09,540 that Channing Tatum, 81 00:03:09,540 --> 00:03:10,483 David Beckham, 82 00:03:10,483 --> 00:03:14,459 LL Cool J 83 00:03:14,459 --> 00:03:16,781 beach body! 84 00:03:16,781 --> 00:03:18,523 But we're tired 85 00:03:18,523 --> 00:03:20,194 and exhausted 86 00:03:20,194 --> 00:03:23,659 from trying to be something we're not.