Let me warn you,

our main story tonight

...is going to end
with you

getting extremely angry,

at a donkey.

That might not make sense
right now, but, it is going to.

So, lets begin.

Translation

We´ve all seen the comic ways
in which, it can go wrong,

at the chinese signs to say
things like:

Do drunken driving or
fuck vegetables.

I mean, to be fair, yes, that´s a 
silly sign but at the same time,

Fuck vegetables¡
am I right?

Maybe you´ve seen the
youtube videos where

people put songs like 
Let it go into google translate,

then translate them back 
into english and sing the results.

I´ve got to say,
that would be

an amazing tone 
for the Frozen sequel.

A bitter woman, wobbling
about defeat,

in a radioactive ice castle.
I'm in!

I am in!

Look¡

Bad translation can 
be a lot of fun

when the stakes are low,
but, if you´re in a war zone

accurate translation can be 
the difference between life

an dead, and over the last
decade good local interpretres

in Afganistan and Irak, have
saved countless american lives.

Let me show you an afghani 
man named Surosh,

translating a warning
about some IEDS.

He sais that, there's IEDS.

Some one told that ther's
IDES, in this way.

Ok

Thank you

Do you see?, that is a good
message to get exactly right.

You don´t want someone saying
uh¡ to be honest my pashto

is a little shaky, but there´s either
an IED or an Ikea...

...behind those rocks,
some where or

so I think he said something
about, fuck vegetables!

I think!

Ask any veteran...

...and they will tell you
that translators...

...risk their own lives, 
working for us and

because they did that,
they are permanent targets

for insurgents.

Here's what the translator
you just saw,

Srosh,

has been up to lately.

You're probably thinking
right now...

...well, we need to move
heaven and

earth to get that
man and his family,

and bring them to safety.

And the fact that we
are not

is what this story is about, 
because Srosh like a shocking

number of interpreters has apply
for a visa, but is stuck in burocratic

limbo, and the crazy thing is
there is absolutely no good

reson for that.

Congress pasted bills in 2008
and 2009 providing thousands

of special immigrant visas
for local nationals,

who worked for U.S. Military.
But despite huge demand,

very few were issued.

For instance, through the Afganistan
bill, we could have given out

up to 1, 500 visas a year.

Guess how many we gave out
in 2011?

It was three.

The number of visas

for afghanis who
risk their lives for us,

should not be so low that
relatively stupid toddlers

can count up to it.

Relatively intelligent horses,

one, tow, should'nt it be
more than this? Three.

Now, to be fair, things have
improved slightly, recently,

thanks in part to pressure 
from groups like,

the List Project and IRAP,

but it is still not moving 
nearly fast enough.

Help us understand just how
difficult it is for Afghan to work

with you as forces to get 
this special visas.

Is next to impossible, I would 
is like, literally wining the lottery.

Yeah, but, it should not 
be like a lottery were the odds

are terrible, this people risk 
their lives for us.

It should be more like a
little league award ceremony,

where everyone is a winner;
cause their all

an important part of the
¡Fucking team!

Now...

...there are...

There are currently
thousands of interpreters

with visa applications pending 
and if you're wonderin,

Whose fault this is?

The state department has a 
surprising answer.

Jared Blanch, is a deputy
special representative

for Afghanistan and Pakistan
at the state department,

he blames, some of the delays,
on the applicants themselfs.

A lot of those people are accually,
maybe not quite have of them,

control their own timing 
essentially,

so they've started
the application or perhaps...

...they've gotten
to the first step,

but they need to finish their own
paperwork, before

we can take the
next step with them.

That! is some first clase 
victim blamin.

You are on the
edge of saying,

well,
look maybe the taliban

wouldn't be following them
around if this translators

won't dress so slutty. 
Have you thought about that,

but, since he brings up the
paperwork, lets just take a

look at it, because applying for 
special immigrant visa

is a 14 step process which is 
a lot.

Bear in mind that even 
getting off heroin, only takes 12.

Ok, so, are you ready
for this shit?¡

Lets do it, because first, first
you've got your DS-157 form,

this contains all your basic
information it also needs to come

with a verification of employment
letter from a HR Director,

as well as, a letter of
recomendation

from a direct supervisor.
Now,if you can't find

your former supervisor,
which is entirely

possible, don't worry,
you just need a

DS-158 superviser 
locator form, although,

that will only work if your 
superviser was already employed

by the miliary, if there were
contracs, to which they probably were,

you're shit out of luck.
You will also need to submit

a prove of nacionality form
and a copy of your employe badge,

because, no one has ever 
lost one of those,

once you filled all of this in,
you simply submit it

for approval and then wait
for anything between a few

months and a few years
and if you're approved

then congratulations cause 
you are at the petitio stage.

For this you are going to
need your I-360 form

which is basically the DS-157 form
all over again and remember to

bring that to your interview
at the U.S. embassy, although, in

Afghanistan, funny story;
they're not scheduling those

at the moment,
partly because

the system is so backed up
and partly because this whole

programme is set to expire at
the end of the year

for no fucking reason, 
whatsoever.

At this stage, you as a translater,
may feel a little like this.

But don't¡, don't¡

Because there is light
at the end of the tunel,

well, not light so much as
the DS-260 form, and

this little beauty contains such
questions as:

Are you comming to the
U.S. to practice polygamy?

To which, i'm guessing your
answer is:

To be honest, my main plan
was to not to get killed by the taliban.

I hadn't really worked out 
a plan of attack for my sex life yet.

But don't worry, don't worry.

Don't worry

Don't worry

Because, after all this paperwork
plus of course a visa interview, a

medical examination, security
security clearance and paying out

of pocket for passport, vaccinations
and you're own plain ticket

you get to come to America or
as one translator discovered,

Not!

!What the fuck¡

But now the ghost of
Franz Kafka is thinking

"Don't you dare call this
kafkaresk, I don't whant my

name anywhere near this
shit, because, compared

to this, waking up as a
cockroach is normal.

This whole process, makes
no sense,

and I understand the
need for security screenings,

but america has done this
quicker before.

After the Vietnam War, the U.S.
resettled 140.000 refugees in

just four months.

We did it perfectly at the 
end of the Vietnam War and

there is a sentence you 
don't often get to say out loud.

What we did was we took
everyone to GUAM and

process them there in safety,
so, why aren't we just

doing that again?

What else are we gonna
do with GUAM?

It's GUAM¡

It's 200 square mills of 
palm trees and storage space.

It's GUAM.

And, while the U.S. govermente,
might have doubts, about some

of this translators, the troops
who served alongside them

certainly don't, cause you
remember Serosh?

Well, the marines he served
with, created a crowdfunding page

to finance his medical exams,
where you can read comments

such as: "Thanks brother
for helping us survive and

return to our families alive" 
and "Thanks for saving

our ass so many times.
Time to get you state side".

And it is both, inspiring and
horrifying that the life of a

man who saved americans is
in the hands of the same process

through which we finance
Zach Braff shitty movies.

Let me¡

Let me show you...

Let me show you just one
more case, Mohammad, an

afghani translator, who 
started his application in

September 2010 and finally
made it to America, three years

and four months later so at
least he's here, there is that, but;

this was the atmosphere in
which he had to do that waiting.

The people, who were trying to
hurt me, first they killed my dad

and a their next step
they tried to kill my brothers

they took my little brother, which
I love him more than everyone

once they took him and they told
me to pay almost 35000 dollards.

That's right, they kidnapped
his three year old brother and

he spend hs entire life savings
to get him back, and at that point

it was already two and a half years
into his application process and

having gone through all that, 
when Mohammad finally

got his visa, a clerical error
resulted in his name

been officially changed to
FNU Mohammad, which is

an acronym for 
First Name Unknown

meaning that on official
documents, to all intents and

purposes his name is now FNU
and FNU is Fnot a Fnuking Fname.

I know we can do this quicker
not just because of GUAM

but, because there is, at least
one other documented case

of an evacuee from Irak
who did get processed faster.