Let me warn you,
our main story tonight
...is going to end
with you
getting extremely angry,
at a donkey.
That might not make sense
right now, but, it is going to.
So, lets begin.
Translation
We´ve all seen the comic ways
in which, it can go wrong,
at the chinese signs to say
things like:
Do drunken driving or
fuck vegetables.
I mean, to be fair, yes, that´s a
silly sign but at the same time,
Fuck vegetables¡
am I right?
Maybe you´ve seen the
youtube videos where
people put songs like
Let it go into google translate,
then translate them back
into english and sing the results.
I´ve got to say,
that would be
an amazing tone
for the Frozen sequel.
A bitter woman, wobbling
about defeat,
in a radioactive ice castle.
I'm in!
I am in!
Look¡
Bad translation can
be a lot of fun
when the stakes are low,
but, if you´re in a war zone
accurate translation can be
the difference between life
an dead, and over the last
decade good local interpretres
in Afganistan and Irak, have
saved countless american lives.
Let me show you an afghani
man named Surosh,
translating a warning
about some IEDS.
He sais that, there's IEDS.
Some one told that ther's
IDES, in this way.
Ok
Thank you
Do you see?, that is a good
message to get exactly right.
You don´t want someone saying
uh¡ to be honest my pashto
is a little shaky, but there´s either
an IED or an Ikea...
...behind those rocks,
some where or
so I think he said something
about, fuck vegetables!
I think!
Ask any veteran...
...and they will tell you
that translators...
...risk their own lives,
working for us and
because they did that,
they are permanent targets
for insurgents.
Here's what the translator
you just saw,
Srosh,
has been up to lately.
You're probably thinking
right now...
...well, we need to move
heaven and
earth to get that
man and his family,
and bring them to safety.
And the fact that we
are not
is what this story is about,
because Srosh like a shocking
number of interpreters has apply
for a visa, but is stuck in burocratic
limbo, and the crazy thing is
there is absolutely no good
reson for that.
Congress pasted bills in 2008
and 2009 providing thousands
of special immigrant visas
for local nationals,
who worked for U.S. Military.
But despite huge demand,
very few were issued.
For instance, through the Afganistan
bill, we could have given out
up to 1, 500 visas a year.
Guess how many we gave out
in 2011?
It was three.
The number of visas
for afghanis who
risk their lives for us,
should not be so low that
relatively stupid toddlers
can count up to it.
Relatively intelligent horses,
one, tow, should'nt it be
more than this? Three.
Now, to be fair, things have
improved slightly, recently,
thanks in part to pressure
from groups like,
the List Project and IRAP,
but it is still not moving
nearly fast enough.
Help us understand just how
difficult it is for Afghan to work
with you as forces to get
this special visas.
Is next to impossible, I would
is like, literally wining the lottery.
Yeah, but, it should not
be like a lottery were the odds
are terrible, this people risk
their lives for us.
It should be more like a
little league award ceremony,
where everyone is a winner;
cause their all
an important part of the
¡Fucking team!
Now...
...there are...
There are currently
thousands of interpreters
with visa applications pending
and if you're wonderin,
Whose fault this is?
The state department has a
surprising answer.
Jared Blanch, is a deputy
special representative
for Afghanistan and Pakistan
at the state department,
he blames, some of the delays,
on the applicants themselfs.
A lot of those people are accually,
maybe not quite have of them,
control their own timing
essentially,
so they've started
the application or perhaps...
...they've gotten
to the first step,
but they need to finish their own
paperwork, before
we can take the
next step with them.
That! is some first clase
victim blamin.
You are on the
edge of saying,
well,
look maybe the taliban
wouldn't be following them
around if this translators
won't dress so slutty.
Have you thought about that,
but, since he brings up the
paperwork, lets just take a
look at it, because applying for
special immigrant visa
is a 14 step process which is
a lot.
Bear in mind that even
getting off heroin, only takes 12.
Ok, so, are you ready
for this shit?¡
Lets do it, because first, first
you've got your DS-157 form,
this contains all your basic
information it also needs to come
with a verification of employment
letter from a HR Director,
as well as, a letter of
recomendation
from a direct supervisor.
Now,if you can't find
your former supervisor,
which is entirely
possible, don't worry,
you just need a
DS-158 superviser
locator form, although,
that will only work if your
superviser was already employed
by the miliary, if there were
contracs, to which they probably were,
you're shit out of luck.
You will also need to submit
a prove of nacionality form
and a copy of your employe badge,
because, no one has ever
lost one of those,
once you filled all of this in,
you simply submit it
for approval and then wait
for anything between a few
months and a few years
and if you're approved
then congratulations cause
you are at the petitio stage.
For this you are going to
need your I-360 form
which is basically the DS-157 form
all over again and remember to
bring that to your interview
at the U.S. embassy, although, in
Afghanistan, funny story;
they're not scheduling those
at the moment,
partly because
the system is so backed up
and partly because this whole
programme is set to expire at
the end of the year
for no fucking reason,
whatsoever.
At this stage, you as a translater,
may feel a little like this.
But don't¡, don't¡
Because there is light
at the end of the tunel,
well, not light so much as
the DS-260 form, and
this little beauty contains such
questions as:
Are you comming to the
U.S. to practice polygamy?
To which, i'm guessing your
answer is:
To be honest, my main plan
was to not to get killed by the taliban.
I hadn't really worked out
a plan of attack for my sex life yet.
But don't worry, don't worry.
Don't worry
Don't worry
Because, after all this paperwork
plus of course a visa interview, a
medical examination, security
security clearance and paying out
of pocket for passport, vaccinations
and you're own plain ticket
you get to come to America or
as one translator discovered,
Not!
!What the fuck¡
But now the ghost of
Franz Kafka is thinking
"Don't you dare call this
kafkaresk, I don't whant my
name anywhere near this
shit, because, compared
to this, waking up as a
cockroach is normal.
This whole process, makes
no sense,
and I understand the
need for security screenings,
but america has done this
quicker before.
After the Vietnam War, the U.S.
resettled 140.000 refugees in
just four months.
We did it perfectly at the
end of the Vietnam War and
there is a sentence you
don't often get to say out loud.
What we did was we took
everyone to GUAM and
process them there in safety,
so, why aren't we just
doing that again?
What else are we gonna
do with GUAM?
It's GUAM¡
It's 200 square mills of
palm trees and storage space.
It's GUAM.
And, while the U.S. govermente,
might have doubts, about some
of this translators, the troops
who served alongside them
certainly don't, cause you
remember Serosh?
Well, the marines he served
with, created a crowdfunding page
to finance his medical exams,
where you can read comments
such as: "Thanks brother
for helping us survive and
return to our families alive"
and "Thanks for saving
our ass so many times.
Time to get you state side".
And it is both, inspiring and
horrifying that the life of a
man who saved americans is
in the hands of the same process
through which we finance
Zach Braff shitty movies.
Let me¡
Let me show you...
Let me show you just one
more case, Mohammad, an
afghani translator, who
started his application in
September 2010 and finally
made it to America, three years
and four months later so at
least he's here, there is that, but;
this was the atmosphere in
which he had to do that waiting.
The people, who were trying to
hurt me, first they killed my dad
and a their next step
they tried to kill my brothers
they took my little brother, which
I love him more than everyone
once they took him and they told
me to pay almost 35000 dollards.
That's right, they kidnapped
his three year old brother and
he spend hs entire life savings
to get him back, and at that point
it was already two and a half years
into his application process and
having gone through all that,
when Mohammad finally
got his visa, a clerical error
resulted in his name
been officially changed to
FNU Mohammad, which is
an acronym for
First Name Unknown
meaning that on official
documents, to all intents and
purposes his name is now FNU
and FNU is Fnot a Fnuking Fname.
I know we can do this quicker
not just because of GUAM
but, because there is, at least
one other documented case
of an evacuee from Irak
who did get processed faster.